1st Trimester
saturdaynightdoubletree
member
(vent) why do people assume this is unplanned...
saturdaynightdoubletree
member
Most people we've told outside of family, and really close friends have instantly said, "Well this wasn't planned, right?" SERIOUSLY!!!? You wouldn't say that to someone having their first baby, even if it were true... and why is it such an awful CRAZY thing that we PLANNED to have two babies within 14 months of each other. Yes, I know it will be hard. Yes, I planned this. Please don't ask or assume it was a "mistake"... UGH!
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Re: (vent) why do people assume this is unplanned...
Also, I'm pretty sure your first reaction to this pregnancy was "hold shiit how am I going to do this is that what I really want". So why can't others have that same initial reaction you did?
I hear it every time my SO or I tell someone. They assume that since we aren't married, that it wasn't planned.
Unmarried doesn't equal poor birth control habits.
People don't generally plan to have kids back to back. some people may- or say they did as an afterthought (DH actually wants them back to back, I told him that was fine, he can get a uterus and do that then), but the friends I have who had kids less than 2 years apart definitely did not plan it that way- and they were all very open about it.
ETA- with this said, I would never actually SAY that to anyone.
as someone who totally planned on having kids close togeth- even i wonder "was it planned" when i see someone prepping for 2u2.
it's completely normal.
look at the birds | bless this food
So I take back the part about not saying it to someone having their first baby... I would never say that to anyone, and I think it's just RUDE!!!
It's totally natural to think "holy sh!t I'm pregnant! Am I ready... etc... etc..." No matter how many children you have. I don't see that as a grounds for others to make open rude assumptions.
Actually I think a lot of people will think that you're having an "oops" baby..As PP said they ask first timers that all the time and the fact that they are so close will just make them think that even more.
My cousin had her son 16 months from her daughter (prob would have been sooner if her DH wasnt in boot camp)..He was planned but everyone in the family thought it was an accident..
I get that all the time. DH and I got married in July so because it's, "so soon." people automatically jump to that assumption. People also say, "wow you guys are sooo young." Well I'm 25 and DH is 28... it's not like I'm 14!
I'm noticing being PG = a lot of rude comments from people. For some reason some people just can't keep their mouths shut the second they find out you're expecting.
I am sure it gets annoying hearing that question over and over. But consider that people don't equate "unplanned" to "mistake" and even for me being a mom, I would probably wonder the same thing.
DD #1 passed away in January 2011 at 14 days old due to congenital heart disease
DD#2 lost in January 2012 at 23 weeks due to anhydramnios caused by a placental abruption
Another note, I can honestly tell you that this decision was 110% planned to have babies back to back... it was my decision to make, and other people judging that (and wrongly assuming things about it) is just annoying to me.
And that's not to say an unplanned pregnancy isn't/can't be amazing and special.
Pot meet kettle.
You are queen of the rude assumptions - do I need to remind you that you think you friend shouldn't be able to mourn her miscarriage b/c she wasn't jumping for joy when she found out she was pregnant?
FOR THE RECORD! MY BABY WAS NOT PLANNED AND IS CERTAINLY NOT A MISTAKE! Just because a baby is unplanned doesn't mean it's a mistake. There are many women on this board with surprise pregnancies so you should probably watch what you say!
Well of course! No one is saying an unplanned pregnancy is a mistake or an accident. If someone said "Your baby must have been an accident" I would probably get bent way more out of shape.
I think the point is that it is quite rude to ask someone if it is planned. To me, it is just a very personal question.
zing!
look at the birds | bless this food
Sorry, I don't accept comments like that from people. I will never get used to it. If you don't like my vent, move on and comment somewhere else.
No lie. This is only the start.
We got the "Is this planned" when we were on our FOURTH PREGNANCY IN A YEAR AFTER THREE LOSSES. Ya fricken' THINK it was planned? Still, it's just the first in a loooooong line of idiotic assumptions. Just wait till you're further along and they ask you about dilation, when you'll deliver, whether you'll breast or bottle feed, when you'll go back to work, etc.
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First of all, that whole thing shouldn't have been posted (my bad) I was in a weird place, and what got written didn't reflect the situation well. Second, I would NEVER say anything rude to someone if they didn't deserve it. Third, totally not a friend.
But that's cool, attack a post because of the past... even though it has NOTHING to do with the subject at hand.
And if you don't "accept" those comments from people then "move on" and ignore it.
*side eye*
This is a message board...
but she doesn't accept it damnit!!!
look at the birds | bless this food
I agree. It just annoys me. It's my life, my baby I need to raise... why do YOU need to add your two sense of my decisions. Even if it wasn't planned, how is that a helpful thing for someone to say?! Grrr. (haha)
Previous posts tell a lot about a person's character hun, just like any other day-to-day interaction.
I take back my post.
I was sharing my situation, but clearly your a looney toon.
For the record -- I was quoting what people say to me, not what I think. Unplanned pregnancies are just as amazing as planned pregnancies (I thought I said that further down, but maybe you missed it). The general reaction I am getting is "that was a mistake, you couldn't have planned that!"
*Butting in*
I ran into an old manager today (who is about, 25 years my senior, married, with children close to my age).. and he said "I hear you're expecting, congrats! Are you planning on breastfeeding?" (said with his arm around my shoulder, looking down at me ((and my chest))...)
-cue the chirping crickets-
Yeah- the personal questions get far worse than "was it planned"... I would have liked him to ask that instead, actually :-P
*Butting out*
WTF? For reals?
Exactly.
Yeah. I wanted to take a shower when I got home because it made me feel so gross. lol. I'm REALLY not far enough along that the topic of breastfeeding should be forefront in my mind let alone anyone else's- and who asks people that? When you're a 40+ year old man? Gross. I didn't think breastfeeding was really spank tank material if that's what he was fishing for.
I had one of my male co-workers ask me when I was KU with DD what kind of breast pump I was planning on getting because I would really need a good one when returning to work. He automatically assumed that I would be BFing and returning to work...which I did but come on!
It is an annoying question, sure. I've been married for almost 5 years and people knew we were planning to have kids at some point, so I'm pretty surprised we've been asked so many times if this was a "surprise".
That said, as others have mentioned, pregnancy just seems to bring out the annoying/crazy questions from all sorts of people in your life. Unfortunately I don't think you'll be able to prevent them from happening.
Mother's Day, 2011
i do think that must be annoying, but it doesn't shock me at all.
we also plan to have our children close together, and i am sure we will get questions like that when we are pg with #2 (if we are lucky enough to get pg right away). its just natural for people to assume that. just like a pp said if you are unmarried they assume unplanned. or if you are having multiples they assume you were undergoing fertility treatment (one thing to assume, another to ask, which many people will). people are naturally curious.
just like today a coworker said to me "i hope you are planning on getting an epidural!" - is it her business what kind of labor i am planning? NO. but i just let it go b/c i witnessed her criticize another coworker last year when she shared she was planning to go med-free.
unfortunately we just gotta get used to the obnoxious questions and comments. but yes, i agree with you that its annoying.
Just because everyone does it, doesn't make it right. Some people just have no manners or communication skills.
:lurking from 2nd tri: I've had people assume this baby (our first) wasn't planned. I've even had a couple of people remark that DH and I must've had a bit of fun over too many Christmas wines (I wasn't open to all and sundry about our IVF). It sucks, but I think people say stupid comments to almost every pregnant woman.
Either tell the person the truth or ignore them and move on.
Well I think people are NUTS to have babies that close together so the "was it planned" comment is something I would probably say. :-P
Eff that man, wait until you have TWO toddlers on hand.