DH is a lying sack of sh!t (long)
Sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense. I am so mad right now I can't even see straight. Long story short, last summer DH's ex went through a "rough patch" and dealt with it by latching on to DH. She was texting him day and night, starting out using their sons as an excuse, but then getting into inappropriate personal things that she had no business texting an ex. Not excusing the fact that his lame ass went along with it because he didn't want to "upset her" any more. So, as of last August we agreed that there would be no more texting between them. If they needed to discuss an issue concerning the boys they could talk on the phone. My ex and I do not text and we coparent very effectively. It is not necessary.
Fast forward to saturday. DH's phone buzzes. He looks at it and says "oh, my phone is dying", not realizing that I can see he just got a text. I call him on it. He does his best to hide if from me but come to find out, it is from her. He swears up and down he has no idea why she is texting him out of the blue...they NEVER text. Riiiiight. I had a bad feeling about it then, but I gave him every opportunity to tell me then if he was still texting her. I told him that if it was nothing, they were texting about the boys or whatever, then there was no reason to lie to me about it. I also told him straight up that I was going to call Verizon and get the detail from the bill and that if he was lying to me I was done. Yes, I have issues, he knew that when he married me. Nothing on earth makes me more crazy than being lied to.
So as you might have guessed, when I called verizon today they confirmed that there has been a significant increase in texts between him and her since Oct 16th...right about the time we found out that she is pregnant. I've had an "off" feeling since about that time but we were in the process of moving, DH was interviewing for his new job, new baby on the way...lots of changes so I put it out of my mind. Silly me.
I don't know what I want to do at this point. The only thing I have proof of is the texting, but the lying makes me madder than anything. I am due to have a baby in 3 days and I am so mad I could honestly kick him out of the house a barely bat an eye.
Re: DH is a lying sack of sh!t (long)
I totally get why you're mad. I think that since you delivered an ultimatum - if you're lying, we're done - you're now obligated to follow through, because if you don't, you're going to send him a clear message that you're going to keep putting up with this no matter how angry it makes you.
If you're not ready for divorce, I think you need to insist on marriage counseling starting immediately.
By saying that she's pregnant and you've had an "off" feeling since then do you think he's been having an affair with her? Not sure what you were getting at with that.
That being said, I'm sorry you are going through this! I think you can get a print out of the actual text messages. My parents were able to get that when my sister was being stalked and they were able to secure a restraining order against the scumbag with proof of the text messages. If you're concerned, I would look into it.
And if I were in your situation I'd be handing DH his balls in a jar. Just sayin!
I must have issues too because lying is huge to me. This is something I would have done and said. I hate being lied to!
I don't really have any kind of advice.Just wanted to say I'm sorry your having to deal with this, especially so close to your due date. I'd be mad as hell too if I were you.
I would be upset and suspicous and I'm not one to normally be suspicous without good cause. Lies are a big no-no, how would he feel if you lied to him about communication with your ex?
THIS!! I'm insane when it comes to stuff like this. I would be going NUTS. I would be calling her or even going to see her to see what was up. I don't fvck around with stuff like that. I'm getting pissed just thinking about it!
I completely agree with Ibis. And I must ask as well if you think he might be the father of her child?
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. honestly I would throw him out of the house at least because he needs to realize you are serious and what he did will not be tolerated. I'm so so sorry! I feel horrible for you and your family!
This.
The thought didn't really cross my mind until today when I got the detail from verizon and realized that is when they started texting like crazy. I'm not sure exactly when I started feeling things were strange, there has just been a lot going on lately, so I really wasn't suspicious. Now it seems like pieces are falling into place and I am thinking the worst.
I feel like I am obligated to hold up the ultimatum too. If it wasn't for my DD I would have done it the instant I knew he was lying. I feel like a total failure for bringing him into her life and letting her get attached to him.
Can you insist on seeing the texts or does he delete them? Do they communicate via email?
Whether you toss him out of the house or not, it's on him to prove his innocence and to fix what's broken.
You are NOT a failure. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! You repeat that to yourself over and over again. It isn't your fault that he lied to you! How you react to this situation is what will show your daughter what an amazing Mom you are! Your daughter doesn't need to know about all of this right now either. You can just say that he is going to be "helping a friend" so we won't be staying at the house. White lies are ok in this situation if you ask me. I know it is so much easier said then done, but be strong. You will make it through this. Like i said before, I would at least kick him out of the house and get the text message records to see what they say. Then I would take some time to think it over before jumping one way or the other. Talk to a close friend, fill her in on the situation and she how she can help out. Because you will need help both with the children and for your mental health. We are here for you too! I'm so sorry!
First thing that popped into my mind too for him to be suddenly so involved when she finds out she's PG. Wow, IDK what to even say to that except I'm sorry and hopefully it all works out for the best no matter what happens!
I don't know what to say that is a rough situation and I hope it works out favorably. I guess the first thing to do would be focus on getting the baby here healthy and safely then work on marriage counseling next?
Good luck with everything!!
Natural M/c 12/13/08 at 8w5d
I agree 100%. Do you think you could start with counseling?
You didn't fvck up, he did! Don't take the blame on... I'm sure he would be only too happy to put it there, but that's not where it belongs. This was HIS mistake, not yours.
I'm just here to second the pp who said, "YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!" I've read your posts on Blended Families before, and you seem to be the kind of woman who went into this marriage with caution and foresight and good will. You are not responsible for his actions. It would be one thing if he was lying, cheating, etc before you got married and you went ahead and married him anyways, but I'm pretty certain this wasn't the case, right? So, you went into it expecting him to act like a man and treat you with respect and it's NOT YOUR FAULT that he let you down!
FWIW, this would also be a HUGE deal to me. Contacting Verizon is not crazy---texting your ex about anything other than co-parenting issues when you are re-married is the crazy part!
I also agree with pp who said you should immediately demand counseling. Making the decision to get divorced 3 days before your due date would be so stressful for you, but you just need to do whatever you feel a peace about. I would probably just kick him out until he agrees to counseling, if I were in your shoes, but of course we don't know the whole story.
I'll say a prayer for you and your family! You can do this, for you and DD and LO---you will be happy with your babies!
1. Throat punch him for lying to you!
2. I wouldnt hesitate to call her and tell her to stop. If your name is on the bill too, you legally can file harrassment charges as long as she has been told to stop...that might scare her into leaving him alone.
3. Could be worse...BM went through a phase where she liked to "accidently" send inappropriate pic messages to DH.
OH and FYI...you can go on verizon's website now and see who texts were incoming from AND outgoing to, so if its mostly her texting him maybe its less to worry about than you think. If not...throat punch him again just for the hell of it!
Sorry he's being a butt. Hopefully he gets his head out of his rear!
I am so sorry you are going through this. I do have to agree with some of the other pp's that I would be highly suspicious of texting right around the time when you found out she was pregnant. BUT I also agree that you should try to find out if the texts were coming from HER mostly, and not him. She could be reaching out to him because she is pregnant (by someone else) and there is a comfort level with him. NOT that that justifies it by any means either way!
This is a huge trust issue and you have every right to protect yourself, your DD and your LO to come. You are not a failure, and you will do what's best for your children. We are here for you - and I hope that all gets better!
Hugs to you!