Paranoia

Okay so I'm turning to the boards to write about how I feel. So I'm eleven weeks pregnant and as far as I know my baby is still alive and kicking but I have this ever present worry that I lost my baby. My second ultrasound is on wednesday and I'm almost tempted to ask my mom to take me to the emergency room or something so I can be reassured that my baby's heart is still beating. I'm so paranoid because I'm tired enough that I sleep all day and then when  I finally get going I'm not hungry and the baby isn't craving anything so I'm not eating 2000 calories per day and I didn't take my prenatals or dha for a week and I'm SCARED that my behavior will result in my losing the baby. I haven't drank alcohol and before I found out I was pregnant I had an aversion to alcohol and I haven't had coffee even though there were a few days where I would've LOVED a mocha but I was like no it's wayyyy to risky imo. My friend said that one or two cups of coffee a day is okay while pregnant but I'm like IDFC! I'm not taking the risk I'm already paranoid that I lost my baby. It doesn't help that she's had a lot of miscarriages so I don't know how supportive she'd be and my mom was concerned about how much I'm sleeping so she's like you need to go to the doctor and have them check your iron levels. I'm concerned that I'm still anemic because I've been anemic alot in the past and I read somewhere that if you're anemic you have an increased chance of hemorraghing during delivery and now I'm positively terrified of delivery because I'm scared I'll hemorraghe and die and I don't want to die because I LOVE MY FIANCE and the idea of not being able to have a long and happy life with him is enough to make me bawl as I'm writing this. So in a way I'm almost like well if I am anemic then maybe if I did lose my baby it'd be more bearable because there is a reason to it. I don't want to leave my fiance all alone with a baby. I sure as hell don't want his parents raising my precious child. I've been trying to eat healthier and I ate over 1000 calories which is an improvement over past days and today I'm going to force myself to eat. But yesterday I puked after I brushed my teeth and my instinct says that I didnt puke because of morning sickness. I've had slight waves of nausea under 10 times the entire time I've been pregnant and I'm 11 weeks pregnant. When I was nauseous I never puked. I think it had to do with touching my tongue, like it upsets my gag reflex or something. So I'm paranoid that I'm going to lose my baby but whenever I try to talk to someone about it they've been like you're not going to have a miscarriage and I HATE HATE HATE being placated. It's like I don't like being scared and I don't easily admit to being scared so if I tell you (not you reading but you as in my friends) I'm scared take me seriously and don't try to freaking placate me. Then my fiance is in freaking Afghanistan it's not like he is here to support me through this and I don't want to have a miscarriage and then have to tell him because I'm not there with him I don't know how attached he is to the baby and I don't know how he'd handle it because I know he really really wants a baby but I know if I'm pregnant it's for a reason but being pregnant now is not the best timing because df isn't here and we arent married and I cant nest at my mom's house and I feel like I'm depressed and the more I read what I've written the more I seem like a crazy hormonal pregnant woman but I've been holding my feelings back and I can't any longer. I'm scared that I miscarried and I don't want to find out for sure because I'm not sure how I'll handle it although thinking about it makes me cry so I'm worried I'll be a mess and then my mom is bugging me so I couldn't handle her trying to be all comforting and then I'm not sure if she'd blame me and then my best friend has had numerous miscarriages and I'm worried she'd brush it off like no big deal and I DO NOT want to tell his mother that I lost the baby because she'd most likely blame me for losing my baby and then I'd have to tell Danny and I don't want to tell Danny because I can't comfort him and I don't want him to feel bad for not being here to take care of me because I know he can't be here and if I couldnt handle that I wouldnt be with him. Then on monday I start work training on wednesday I'll be 11.5 weeks pregnant and thats when my second ultrasound is and I'lll find out for sure then because there will either be a heartbeat or there wont and I'm going by myself and I don't want to be alone but I'm not sure what else to do because my mom has to work and I'm fairly certain that kat does also and I REFUSE to call his mom. She is not who I'd want to see or deal with if I found out I lost the baby. So I'm worried that I'd have to go to training if I found out I lost the baby and I don't think I could handle that. Like when my grandma died I went to school the next day and when my stepdad died I went to work and school and I don't know how to grieve because I still feel like I'm grieving for them so I'm like I'm not sure how attached I am to the baby so I'm not sure how I would react if I lost it because if something was wrong with my baby or if I am indeed anemic I'd rather have a miscarriageand then fix whatever caused me to lose the baby so Danny and I can try again and hopefully have a healthy baby.  I feel so horrible for saying that because I know babies are a gift from God and I feel like a horrible person for wanting to choose me if it came to me or the baby. So I think on wednesday I'm going to talk to my OB and be like I'm scared I lost my baby and I feel like I'm depressed and I need to talk to someone so I'm able to figure out if something is wrong or if I"m just letting my emotions get the best of me. Although I think that once I am able to see my baby's heartbeat and hear it I will be okay.