Friends not happy for us
I'm just now at 9 weeks, so DH and I have been very selective about who we've told about the pregnancy (we want to wait until after 12 weeks to be on the safe side before making a "public" announcement).
Anyway, we met up with some friends yesterday, and I was caught off-guard when, in the middle of a conversation on an entirely different topic, the woman asked if I was pregnant yet. I said that I was and then she changed the subject like I had said nothing more than "Gee, the sky sure is blue today."
The husband made a comment about my pregnancy once or twice throughout the rest of the day, but not once did they seem happy for us or say the words "Congratulations". They didn't ask how far along I am, or whether we plan on moving, or what we're doing with finances (I recently was laid off, so these are questions that they normally ask when we get together with them).
It almost seemed like they were bitter about my pregnancy. The wife has been TTC for a few months now, but their reaction just really surprised (and saddened) me. Even my husband, who is usually oblivious to this sort of thing, noticed their reaction and was taken aback by it. Until this couple, we've received nothing but excitement and well-wishes from whomever we've told. I'm not sure if she's envious I've conceived before her or what, but that is the only thing I can think of that would cause them to act this way.
We're not sure how to feel about their reaction - has anyone else experienced this? If so, what did you do? I don't know if we should just act like nothing is wrong, or if we should maybe not hang out with them for a while and hope they come around... any suggestions would be helpful! This is very confusing for my husband and me since they are close friends of ours. Thanks.
Re: Friends not happy for us
Sorry about their reaction but you never know what someone else maybe going through, just like you didn't want to tell people until you were out of your 1st trimester, maybe they had a recent loss but didn't want to tell anyone or some other problems. Sometimes its so hard to be happy for others when you are so incredibly sad for yourself.
I would tell them how you feel and maybe they'll explain why the reacted the way they did to it.
Everyone we told was super excited for us except my grandma. She even went as far as telling me I should be ashamed to be pregnant and not married and that if I'm not going to get married before the baby is born I shouldn't have the baby. My fiance and I have been engaged for almost two years and marriage isn't really all that important to us (for the most part we only got engaged in the first place because we figured that would be the next step in our relationship), especially now that our focus is going to be on the baby. We have the rest of our lives to get married, and have til April to get ready for baby.
I know she's stressed out about TTC, but there haven't been any recent losses. I understand being frustrated - I felt that way when my cousin announced she was pregnant, but I still sent her a note to congratulate her and her husband. Perhaps it's my hormones that are making me overly sensitive to this situation... but for people that are supposed to be close friends of ours (I've known the husband since high school), their reaction - or lack thereof - really just hurts my feelings.
As someone who tried for over 3 years before concieving I am very sympathetic to those TTC. I have to admit I did not react as well as I could have to some PG announcements however, I sucked it up, cried to my husband and continued on with those friendships. I don't think that asking them why they reacted that way will do anything to improve your friendship. In fact it could put more strain on it. I would just continue on normally as you would have if they reacted the way you "think" they should react.
After all you can only control the way you respond to things, not how others do!
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Having a diagnosed condition that meant it was going to hard for us and we would need medical help to get pregnant I can kind of see where she might be coming from.
Some people aren't open abour their struggles and you never know what they might be dealing with. Personally I would just leave it alone, hopefully in time, and as your more PG she and he might come around. There is always the possiblity they won't and may be more distant but that is life all of our relationships grow and change as we do.
I know it's terribly hurtful, and there's no way you (or I) would ever act that way. But now that I'm 33 and have had pg/married friends for quite a few years, I have come accross a few couples that have TTC'd unsucessfully, some for quite a few years. Each one reacted to the stress differently, and usually they didn't want to talk about it with pg friend. One went so far as to cut all pg friends out of her life as soon as she found out they were pg - the emotional agony was just too strong for her. Eventually she had IVF twins and now we're hanging out and friends again. I just had to give her space. Another has left the country and moved to Australia to start again after failed infertility treatment, as she just couldn't live in her old life with friends that have all had babies while she had a stillbirth and failed IVF. A couple of others have been much more graceful and remained friends and shown happiness for pgs. It's hard to know how one might react unless you've 'walked a mile in their shoes'.
I'd just leave them alone and wait, give them space. When you're TTC the world crawls by so slowly. There's a very British saying "rise above" that makes me smile in situations like these. x
I'm sure you meant nothing by this comment, and no offense at all to you, but as you said, you really have no idea how you would act until you've walked a mile in their shoes.
I see what you mean - it could be read in a greater-than-thou way. I didn't notice that before. I was just refering to the feeling of not ever doing those actions oneself. You know; "Why would they act that way? Even if I was gutted I'd at least make an effort to look happy for them!" That's the way one intially feels about the situation until thinking it through further. Sorry for the gaff.
It is strange of her to purposefully ask you about it, and then not react. However, that is how my SIL reacted when we told her about our pregnancy (she is struggling with IF issues). She just said "This is weird" and hasn't talked to us since then.
I wouldn't bring it up with her again. She may just be having a hard time, and having someone try to discuss it with her may only make things worse.
Let her have some time to adjust, and if she wants to talk about it again (which she probably will, if she is a good friend) let her be the one to bring it up.
Evelyn (3.24.10), Graham (5.30.13) & Miles (8.28.16)
As someone who took over a year to conceive, I think you're taking this too personally.
Maybe she was just as shocked by your answer and she didn't know what to say. Maybe she is jealous, but if they're feeling bad and you're their friend, why would you bring it up? That is insensitive. Trouble TTC is very difficult for many to deal with and they probably don't want to talk about it over dinner or with their friends.
Realistically, you aren't going to get the "perfect" reaction from everyone and you can't take it personally. If you and your husband are happy about the pregnancy, that's all that matters.
I absolutely would not say anything to them. Although you think you know what is going on with them, chances are you do not. 90% of our friends/family had no idea we were struggling with infertility. This could be the same thing for them. I had the same reaction when a lot of girlfriends told me they were pregnant. And, as bad as it may sound right now - I severed some friendships b/c of my jealousy.
IF is such a personal thing. Nobody has any idea how each individual deals with it.
I totally agree, I wouldn't confront them about it or necessarily avoid them either. I would try to let it go. Continue doing the same activities you would with them and that way the situation doesn't escalate.
I understand that their reaction or lack there of may have hurt your feelings. I do not for any reason condone their actions but as someone who has had problems of my own I know that each time I found out someone was pregnant it literally felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart. It also felt like EVERYONE that could possibly be pregnant was, except for me.
I can also say that I after a few mc and problems trying to conceive we stopped telling even our closest family and friends that we were continuing to have problems. You cannot know with absolute certainty that they have not experienced a loss or have not received news that she may be infertile.
Calling her will only make it worse. You are both hurt but calling will only make her even more bitter. If she doesn't come around after a few months than maybe you should call but right now I would just leave it alone.
Infertility and loosing a baby is beyond heartbreaking and one of the worse experiences anyone could go through. The pain is something that cannot be explained and sometimes makes you act in ways that you otherwise wouldn't. It is not ok to hurt others but the pain is hard to keep inside.
She may be a close friend, but there's no way you can say this with absolute certainty.
Evelyn (3.24.10), Graham (5.30.13) & Miles (8.28.16)
We have friends who live very far away so DH told them over the phone and I got a voice mail from one of them that literally said:
"I was just calling to say congratulations...I guess? I mean, that's what I'm supposed to say, right? But you know, you guys seem really happy about it so, uh...good for you. Ok bye."
I was horrified. This coming from a couple who says they never, ever want kids, ever. It seemed like a very disappointed tone of voice which I read into as jealousy...although maybe it wasn't, I don't know....but I understand how you are feeling. I was like, wow, way for our "friends" to be happy for us! Why not just "congrats" without all the other himming and hawing?
I wouldn't say anything to your friends though...just let their reaction be and try to let it go. Bringing it up may make things worse. Sometimes I guess people don't always come up with exactly what they want to say right at the moment. And maybe they do have some issues or she has had some losses that just haven't been made public.
Seriously??? It's not that big of a deal. Just because you're expecting a certain reaction doesn't mean you will get it, and just because you didn't get it doesn't mean you should be upset and end a friendship. THAT is ridiculous.
You can't expect everyone to be happy for you all the time or you will always be disappointed with people. The only person I expected to be as happy as I am, was my husband, everyone else's happiness is just extra.
Clearly, you've never struggled with IF. I haven't either, but I know of several people that have, and I know that it's heartbreaking for them.
I think your reaction to this topic is unacceptable, quite frankly. Have some compassion, and try to understand how hard it may be for other people to feel that everyone can have a baby except for them.
Evelyn (3.24.10), Graham (5.30.13) & Miles (8.28.16)
First of all CONGRATS to you!
Secondly, just blow it off. TTC is a very touch subject for some people. It can become frustrating when you have been trying and then your friend tells you she is expecting like it no big deal. And it is to you! THEY both should have been happy for you. THey will have their turn. It is just not their time yet. I would confront them and tell them how much it hurt you. If you're really close, tell them you would really like their support and hopefully you can experience some part of pregnancy together.