I think I lost my friend...(long)
fenway2010
member
So this is just really bothering me today, and I wanted to write about it. I've been friends with "Sue" since first grade. We went to different colleges, have lived in different places, etc., since then, but we always stayed close. She was the maid of honor in my wedding.
As recently as May, things were great between us. We'd had a couple of visits lately (she lives about an hour away), and we were planning to go to a big concert together in October. Then I told her that I was pregnant.
Sue has always been an independent, career minded person. Pretty much all of her friends are childless and/or single. Since I told her I was pregnant, she hasn't returned any calls or voicemails. And one of them concerns a check I sent her for the concert tickets...it hasn't been cashed (it's been a few months, and I had emailed her the day I sent it to let her know it was in the mail, and to let me know if she didn't receive it). She isn't even responding to emails that say "can you at least let me know if you don't have the check so that I can stop payment on it. I'm worried it's lost."
I realize that this is really her problem, not mine. It just makes me really sad. Is 28 years of friendship really out the window just because I'm having a baby? When I do email her, I don't mention the baby at all...so I know this isn't because "all I do is talk about the baby."
She did stop talking to another mutual friend several years ago right around the same time she announced her pregnancy with her first child. But she had all sort of excuses for why they no longer talked, which had nothing to do with a baby. I just decided then that what ever was going on between the two of them was between the two of them, and I wasn't going to get in the middle of it. Now, looking back, I wonder if that really was just because of the baby, too.
Thanks for letting me vent. Any insight/advice would be appreciated. I'm just really in a funk about this today.
Re: I think I lost my friend...(long)
Wow - what's up with your friend. I am sorry to hear that she is acting in such a way towards you. Are you sure nothing has happend to her?
I would personally stop trying to reach out to her - obviously she is not as true a friend as you thought she was. Good luck.
That is not reason enough to just completely stop talking to someone. I struggled with infertility too and I would never imagine doing that to my friends.
This exactly and I'm sorry you are going through this...its tough...
I am fairly certain she's not struggling with IF. She doesn't have a SO (not that that is indicative, necessarily), but she has made many references over the course of our lives that she's not really interested in having children. Even if she were struggling with IF, and was keeping it to herself, I still can't fathom just completely cutting someone off...maybe keeping distance, but not ignoring. And like I said before, when I have emailed or left voicemails, I've taken care to not mention the baby at all...
I guess it's true that maybe she isn't the friend I thought she was...but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that it took 28 years to see her true colors.
She could have gone through some tragedy related to pregnancy that you know nothing about. I can't imagine what it might be, but we don't know what kind of things could effect someone like that. Not necessarily IF, or anything but maybe she was raped early in life and got pregnant and had to give up the kid or something extreme like that.
It might sound far-fetched, but it could be the case. I'd still do as a PP stated and quit trying to reach out to her. I know it stinks to lose a friend, but it's not working trying to keep her as a friend either. I'd also just go ahead and stop payment on the check. JMHO.
That's sort of the conclusion that I came to as well, after the last lack of response to my "please let me know if my check is lost email." So I think it's just really weighing heavily on me today with the realization that this friendship really is over.
That shouldn't matter. To just stop talking to someone, because they're having a baby and she can't (or hasn't yet) is just wrong.
To the OP, your friend sounds a little immature if she's just going to stop talking to you because you're pregnant. I'm sorry she's doing this to you.
And, I'd just stop payment on the check. That way you don't have to worry about it.
This. I'm a big believer that some people come into our lives for a lifetime, and others are meant for a season, regardless of how long or short that season may be.
Even if she is struggling with IF, that's no reason to cut a friend out.
When I was struggling with IF and my friends were getting pregnant one after another, this did not make me want to lose touch with them. I was a little envious but 100% excited for them. It seemed to me that they were the ones that were not keeping our friendship going. They started hanging out with new friends, ones that had kids. When I did talk to them everything was about the kids and they always had to let me know because a baby was crying or they were running off to some playdate or doctor appointment. I was sad but I just figured they didn't think we had as much in common anymore. Now that I am pregnant, I have gotten back into contact with 2 of them, one being my "best friend" since 3rd grade. I have also noticed my single, childless friends have been distancing themselves from me. I am doing everything I can to keep in touch with them. Like you said, not talking about the baby, etc. It still seems like they are avoiding me and they are not even interested in having children so I know that is not why. It sounds to me like you are doing everything right. I guess sometimes lives change and we just have to go along with it.
I would not just accept the fact that you have lost her as a friend. She may be having a hard time excepting you are having a baby. I would give her a little space but not completely give up on the situation. It is obviously something really deep bothering her that she does not want to discuss with anyone. She would have to discuss the issue with you if she wants to keep your friendship.
Maybe she was told she can never have children of her own. She could be embarressed about it or so hurt she may never want to discuss it with anyone. That could be why she is so focused on her career. It keeps her mind off of something she can never have.
Don't give up!
I'm dealing with a whole group of friends (guys and girls from college) that are just now getting married and buying houses while it's been 2-3 years for us. We're on a slightly different schedule and were ready for kids. Now we're getting pushed out (I suspect by some of the women) because I'm pregnant.
I've been told by one of my closest friends that she's starting to hang out with other girls and their SOs because I won't be around as much. I'm pissed because it seems the decision has been made for me and instead of the change coming in 4 months, it's happening now when I can still hang out almost all the time. I deal with this while DH's friends are all about hanging out with him as much as they can. Shows how different guys and girls are.
I'm sorry you're going through this and it's a horrible way for her to just end things (if that's the case). I wouldn't flat out give up yet, I would confront her in an email and see if she responds. (You may have done this, my brain is not retaining everything I read lately, sorry) If she still doesn't respond, that's when I would walk away. But that may just be me, I attract some real winners in my life and had to walk away more then a couple times.
Whatever her situation, considering you guys have been friends for so long, it's odd that she wouldn't open up to you about it and just let you know what was wrong. You know? "I'm sorry, I just can't celebrate right now with you because I'm struggling with this or this..." Even if she didn't come out with specifics, she could at least acknowledge that things are off between you two and that she just needs time. Odd for someone to just stop communicating completely... I'm sure you are bummed, but for now just enjoy your friends who are supportive and understand what being a friend means!
I've gone thru a similar situation... 13 year friendship with my MOH down the tubes last December. I still haven't completely recovered.... it's hard, but sometimes when you're in a different place than your friends are, they can't handle it... it hurts to look at the wedding pictures (we still haven't ordered our album 18 months after the wedding because I don't want pics of her in it... but she's the MOH!), and it hurts to know that all of the love and energy you put into a friendship was all for naught.
I'm so sorry about your friendship.