1st Trimester
nowmrsbinkc
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Am I selfish?
nowmrsbinkc
member
DH thinks I'm being selfish that I don't want ANYONE at the hospital until I've had the baby, we've had family time just the three of us, and I've had a nap/shower/make-up/food/whatever I want. My family is totally cool with this, but his is going to FLIP! He told me he needs them there "for support" but I told him there was no way in h*ll they were coming into my room and there was no way in h*ll he was going to leave me to go talk to them, so he'd better get over it. I feel like his focus should be me and the baby at that time...and with the mother he has, it would become all about her.
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Re: Am I selfish?
I dont think its selfish, its a matter of what you are comfortable with.
I dont really want a ton of people either, but I am sure my parents will want to be there.
I agree with this. I think you guys should compromise - maybe allow them to be there but not in the room or anything. And your DH won't leave while you're in labor to go chat with them, he'll be too focused on you and the baby.??
We did that. With DD we asked that they not come to the hospital since it was an early induction and we said no one could come in my room anyway. They listened surprisingly. My family lives far away, so it's not a problem. They aren't here anyway. DH's family wasn't happy with our decision, but they dealt with it since we said they couldn't come in my room anyway. DD was born after visiting hours so they couldn't come till the next afternoon either (they all work). With DS, I went into the hospital so early, we didn't call anyone, but a friend to come stay with DD. We called after he was born, but asked that they not come till after noon since we were up since about 3 that morning.
I don't think you're selfish. I think your DH is. What does HE need support for? He's supposed to be supporting YOU. I can understand the MIL issue. My MIL makes everything about herself too.
Not Selfish! If it is so am I! I'm with you I don't want people around. Hell My husband started getting queasy at the idea of it I told him he doesn't need to be there. I'm a private person and let?s just say his family is not.
I see this side of it. I guess I just feel like since I'm the one who will be going through all the physical stuff I should get my way on this. Also, like I said before, his mom would make it all about her and we wouldn't get any time just us and the baby.
Nope, I totally agree!!! We've told both sides of our families that we will call them after we've had the baby, napped, showered, and are actually ready for visitors.
This is DH and my special time to bond with eachother and the new baby, I don't want my mom or his mom rushing in right after the baby is born. They can be mad if they want, but it's our decision and our family.
I think you can reach a compromise where they can come to the hospital whenever (and really, how can you stop them - the waiting room is public) but certainly they do not have to come into the delivery room. After you deliver you're going to be tired, so I think it would be reasonable to ask for X hours to rest before you see any visitors.
As for your H, you may not need him there for every single second of labor, wouldn't it be okay if he goes to sit with his family after you deliver? Say you take a little nap and he spends an hour in the waiting room?
I just think that you're going down a bad road if you already start ignoring your husband's feelings during pregnancy... a lot of men feel isolated from the experience because they have no physical part in it. I don't think you need to drive that home to him, it's only going to ruin your intimacy as a couple. It's important to remember your marriage when you actually have the baby as well. Don't make your H the enemy, he is on your team. GL
Actually it's quite simple. All you have to do is tell your nurses that you do not want anyone in the room until you give the go ahead. They will keep them out. People can't just come in your room if you don't want them to.
I completely agree that you should be the one to decide who comes into your room and when. No selfishness there. Childbirth is extremely hard work and you deserve some time and rest, if you want it, before the parade of visitors begins.
However, yes, I think it is selfish to bar them from the hospital at all. First, you can't do it. They will be allowed in the waiting room anyway so, why push it? And, if your DH wants to go out and get some support from his family he has that right.
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I guess I have a different perspective. Although having the babies is a life changing and amazing time for DH and I, its also literally the biggest thing that has happened to either of our families and as much as I want to keep parts of it to ourselves (and we will) I just cant imagine not having everyone at the hospital and waiting to see the babies. They are so excited and want to be a part of as much as they can. I love the idea of delivering the babies and then DH running out to tell everyone that they are ok and although Id like to compose myself to some extent in the room after, I want everyone to be part of being with the babies and with me.
'Til He returns, or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I stand.
That, all of it.
While you are the one delivering, it is his baby, and I do think he may need support. It's often very difficult to watch your spouse in pain or agony and if something were to go wrong in an emergency, he could use the support of his family.
There are plenty of ways to compromise here - and a nurse can help ensure that the in-laws remain in the waiting room instead of entering your room and there is no reason your DH has to be there at your side every single second.
And don't forget, you may end up there overnight and they don't show because it's inconvenient, or you may find that you would actually like some company or distraction. In other words - be flexible, because there is no reason to be otherwise right now.
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I can see both sides of it....
I can totally understand your husband wanting family AT the hospital for support.....but, I wouldnt want people in the room right away after the birth.
The hospital where is will deliver and where I had my daughter....they allow you to have your spouse and up to 2 other "support people" during the labor. I had my mom and best friend there during labor but, made them leave when it was time to push. Then it was just my husband and I.
This hospital has a rule that anyone who was not in the room for the actual delivery (dh and if you want, the support people) cannot come up to the room until an hour after the baby is born to give you time to recover a little and spend some time together. So, our families had no choice but, to wait until an hour after I had her. By that time, they have given me something to eat and I was feeling more ready and willing to see people........
I thought I'd care about fixing myself up......but, I really did not care at all!!!!
While you are the one giving birth, DH is also having a baby, and if he needs support I think you should be prepared to come to some sort of a compromise. It's kind of_shitty of you to tell him that he doesn't deserve to have support when he has specifically stated that he does.
Generally I think it's selfish to not entertain a compromise on anything in a marriage when one partner has needs that differ from the other's. In my opinion, that's an integral part of marriage and it speaks volumes that you are rejecting him out of hand.
ETA: OK, I realize that this sounds harsh. I should say that I understand you not wanting them in the room, and I think that is understandable. What I think is crummy is not allowing his family to come to the hospital at all, particularly when your own husband wants them to be there. If he said that he didn't want them there that would be one thing - but to tell him "nope, sorry if that's what you want, I don't" - I think that is selfish.
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Here is what we did with DS #1. Our families knew in advance that only DH and doctors/nurses would be in the room with me for the actual delivery. I knew my mom would really want to check on me. So she and my dad were in the waiting room a lot that day (their choice!) and when I felt okay enough for visitors, they would come in for a few minutes to chat. This was all before I was in hard labor.
DH called his little sister to be there (the rest of their family lives 3 hours away). I don't think she stopped in to say, she came closer to the delivery part. She and my mom waited at the hospital until I delivered, but they didn't come into our room until at least an hour post delivery. I was (mostly) cleaned up - not showered or anything though. DH, DS and I still got some time alone and a little time to soak everything in, just the three of us.
They stayed only long enough to congratulate us, give DS a couple of kisses and then they were on their way (it was past midnight by this time and we were all exhausted).
Is there some kind of compromise you could agree to like this? Like, they can be there, but can only visit if/when you and your DH say it's okay. That way they can stay the whole time, if they want, it would be their choice to do so, knowing that they may not get much time to talk to you.
I know you don't want this to be about your MIL - hopefully if you put out clear expectations it won't be an issue? I know this isn't possible with all family members
I think it's important for your DH to have the support he may need, just like you need your support, but I agree that you should be comfortable with it....
I hope you guys can figure something out!
I don't think you're being selfish. My husband and I aren't going to have anyone there either. We want to share the first few hours alone together with our baby. The family will have more than enough time to see the baby, they've already waited 9 months, what's another day?
After I had both of my babies, I wasn't able to stand up for a while (I actually thought I could walk to the bathroom, and almost passed out and the poor nurse was basically holding me up on the toilet - not one of my best moments). So the showering thing may be a little bit lofty a goal
My parents and brother/sil saw me for **maybe** 30 minutes about 2 hours after my kids were born. They saw the babies from the nursery. Everyone came the next day, after we were able to rest up, etc. and I could walk to the bathroom without fainting.
My only thing is, you'll never know what your birth will be like until it happens. Your DH might just need them there because he's stressed that the woman he loves is going through something so big, that he can't imagine, and he needs someone to hold his hand.
PS - my DH passed out when my DD#2 was born when he saw a drop of blood. They aren't always superheroes
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You're expressing your needs to DH and he's expressing his to you and you're not honoring them. How about a happy compromise where family is allowed at the hospital and he can break to see them for support but you don't have to see them until you're ready? It's about him a little bit too.
As the pp said you can ask the nurses not to allow anyone by DH into your room. But honestly, the hospital waiting room is public. And God forbid something happened to you and/or the baby, your poor DH would need his family there to support him. He's already knows this much, obviously, which is why he's mentioned it in the first place.
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My family will be there, though not necessarily in the room, and I am not worried my husband is going to run off and leave me all that often. Do you really think your husband will? My family is used to have a ton of people in the room when a baby is born. It's an amazing event! My husband is not so keen on this, so we compromised with just my mother and sister (both nurses) because they can help where he can't and can tend to things so he can stay with me after the baby is born and getting cleaned up and all that. Labor and childbirth isn't like how you see it in the movies. It can be long and difficult and exhausting for both of you. There will be intimate moments, particularly when that baby comes out, but the whole process isn't all that intimate and sexy. You may welcome other visitors.
I think we will do the same.. altho my DH family lives 3.5 hours away.. so we may not have to have them not be in our room for the hour after.. they might show up 2 hours late.. LOL.. unless later on I decide to be induced..
I do see both sides on this issue and have realized that, unfortunately, it just depends on the type of people you're dealing with. ALL our sibilings would be awesome to have there. My parents, honestly, don't care to be there. My mom says she had three kids, she knows what it's like and she'd rather be out shopping or at our house cleaning/cooking than sitting around a hospital (she used to be a nurse so she's over hospitals). MIL I could not stand there and honestly, FIL and all his teasing/joking would annoy the crap out of me too. Same goes with friends of ours...some could come hang out, be low key, and help us take our minds off everything/give us a break. Some, however, would just add more stress or would be annoying. With family I don't feel like we can say some members are allowed and some are not. Friends, I feel like we could as long as we swore them to secrecy about being allowed up!
I think it has to be to each couple their own: you've gotta make the choice that is best for you based on the people in your lives. GL to everyone...especially those in a pickle like I am! 
ETA: My mom would be shopping for baby and cooking/cleaning so we can enjoy more time with baby...she said she would need to feel like she's doing something useful, not wasting time sitting on her butt! LOL!
Unfortunately with MIL, yes. She will cry if he doesn't stay and talk to her as much as she wants and if he doesn't go update her as much as she wants. So he would feel guilty and do what makes her happy. Also, I wouldn't put it past her to get her feelings hurt/cry when I don't want to see her and won't allow her in the room. I honestly think banning them all completely would be better for our relationship in the long-run than allowing them to wait at the hospital. She'll get over it as soon as she sees the baby! I, on the other hand, would not get over it so quickly if she was there and was a headache and/or stressed DH and me out. She would get a piece of my mind...which I've been holding in for years...and it would not be pretty.
I think that you are being a little selfish, to be honest. I do think it is completely reasonable to not want people in the labor and delivery room, but I don't think it is right to tell your husband's family that they can't even be in the hospital, especially if he wants them there. Yes, you are the one giving birth, and that's why I feel like you have the right to restrict people in the L&D room. However, it is your DH's child, and his wishes should be respected as well. If it makes you feel better, it is very unlikely that it will become all about your MIL. Once the baby is born, that is where everyone's focus will be!
Maybe it's just me, but I don't see the point of having people at the Hospital waiting. Waiting rooms are uncomfortable and IMO annyoing. Who in the world would want to sit in a waiting room for hours? I wouldn't. Plus, it is easier to call people and tell them the news rather than DH leaving his newborn and wife to go tell his family. It just sounds very 1950's sitcom to me.
My family is very good about respecting the new family's wishes. When my sister had her DS, she called everyone to announce the news and then told them that she was exhausted and didn't want any visitors until after supper so that she could rest. Everyone understood and respected that.
I also have a comment about having to concider what DH needs. I think he should have a say, but really I am the one going through this. I was there and supportive for him when he had surgery and did everything the way he wanted so that he was comfortable, why should he have as much say as I do when I am going through something. I know it's not the same but it's close enough in my mind.