Baby Showers
Should I Throw Her A Shower? (long)
My husband and I have been married for nearly 3 years, trying for a baby the whole time, and just this past Sunday found out that we are finally pregnant after 3 rounds of Clomid and a long time of stressing about it and one miscarriage. My best friend Mary married my husband's cousin this past fall, and found out that on their first month trying, are already pregnant and due in October. (We'll be due the very end of October or mid-November). So, I've know that Mary is pregnant for nearly a month now, and I am still having difficulty determining whether or not I should offer to throw her a baby shower. Why I'm against it: Money is tight. Really tight. How can I afford to have 10-20 people over for a party where I'd need to supply food and drinks? Previous to knowing our own news: I was jealous that it wasn't me. Not so much a factor anymore. Now that she's family, isn't it rude for me to throw it, since family throwing a shower is like asking for gifts? Except I still consider her friend before family, so this argument in my mind isn't very strong. My husband hates having parties, and he would have to help set up for it, given my own condition. What if I have a miscarriage between now and then? Wouldn't that make it that much harder to throw a baby shower for her? Why I'm for it: She's my friend; my best friend. Selfish reasoning - so she will throw me one. I love throwing parties. And given the time of year, it would likely be over the summer, so we could have it outside and not be so crammed into our tiny house. I could keep the foods really simple, just beverages and cookies or something... What are your thoughts on this? I've thought about asking my husband's aunt (Mary's mother-in-law) for help in throwing it - asking her to chipping in money and things, but I tried that with Mary's sister-in-law's baby shower and got completely tossed out of the process. She loves planning parties too, and takes me out of the picture. Not what I want. Plus, she really is family. No arguments about it. But Mary doesn't really have any other friends in this area, where all the rest of our family lives, so it's not like there is someone else to share the expenses with... Any advice or suggestions are welcome! Thanks!
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Re: Should I Throw Her A Shower? (long)
Fellow IF'er here.
First - ignore the woman who was harsh to you. She's never walked in the shoes and she doesn't "get it."
Second - it's early. You've had a previous loss.
Don't make this decision now.
Focus on and cherish every moment of your pregnancy. Put a note in your calendar to revisit this subject again in another month or 2.
There's a lot to process mentally in the beginning of an IF pregnancy. Even more so when you're finally pregnant again after a loss. I think you'll find that you're able to separate your stuff from hers much easier once you're clear of your first trimester and feeling more confident about this baby.
And.... if you're anything but overjoyed about hosting a shower for her at that point - don't do it. And - don't feel guilty about it.
You will have another chance later on in life to host a shower for someone when you're in a better place and will truly be able to put your heart into it. For now no one should blame you for focusing on your own pregnancy - especially considering the road to achieving it. It's finally your turn to cherish your little one growing inside of you. Take care of you and that baby first.
GL to you!
((((HUGS))))
Shell
PS - I don't think I've seen you on the "SAIF" (success after infertility) board but I haven't been on much lately.
Try posting this same question over there for some responses from women who may have a better understanding of where you are emotionally with this pregnancy. I think you'll find a lot of responses similar to mine.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Is this for me? LOL. I think I "get" IF more that you or the OP.
What I don't get is an attitude that it is ok to be bitter and jealous towards someoene you would call a best friend when they experience good fortune. But I do agree with you that if someone's heart isn't in it, then they shouldn't offer to throw a party. And it is not ok to give someone a party if the only reason behind it is they might return the favor. It would hurt my feellings very much if I knew my "best" friend thought about me like that.
I agree with everyone else that you should wait to worry about this, however I do have a suggestion for when/if you do decide to start planning in a few months. You didn't really mention if this is the situation, but is her DH's mom/sister, etc. in your area? You could ask them to co-host. That way, since you think she will get two showers, this one will be hosted by "her DH's family" and the other one that is 2 hours away will be hosted by "her family."