Pregnant after a Loss

34 weeks and still emotionally uncomfortable

Subject (for mobile): 34 weeks and still emotionally uncomfortable

I haven't been posting at all recently... sorry for that. I'm finding it still so hard to talk about my pregnancy. This manifests mostly in face to face conversations but here too to some extent. The farther along I get, the more questions turn to how I'm feeling, my delivery plans, and my after baby plans. It's weird because I'm totally focused on my baby, my pregnancy, and all the things that people want to talk about... but I just don't want to talk about it with them. All the questions make me so uncomfortable.

Maybe its part of PGAL/IF brain, maybe its part of being a FTM (not really, but its just easier to say that since I've never done most of the things people want to ask me about) or maybe its just normal stuff that anyone about to have a baby might be feeling at this stage. Maybe its because people talk to me like this baby is imminent, but I'm not actually due for another 6 weeks.

I don't know, I just wish I could answer their questions politely and quickly without feeling like I'm leaving them hanging... or like my answers aren't right. Its too much attention on such a sensitive subject. Blah.

TTC #1 since January 2011
BFP#1 April 12, 2011, EDD December 24, 2011, strong heart beat at 7w3d, d&c at 10w6d
BFP#2 Oct 24, 2011, natural miscarriage, EDD unknown
After RPL testing my losses and subsequent infertility are considered unexplained.
Cycle #22: Femara, TI, and progesterone = BFP!! 
BFP#3 Dec 21, 2012. Beta #1 @14dpo = 134, progesterone 67.8. Beta #2 @ 17dpo = 664! Team green, EDD 9/1/13, healthy baby boy born 9/12/13!
imageimage  My chart.


Congratulations to the fabulous KGS2003! Her sweet boys are here! Grow boys grow!!!

Re: 34 weeks and still emotionally uncomfortable

  • km_mdkm_md
    5000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its Fifth Anniversary
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    I don't have any advice or anything, I just wanted to give you ((hugs)). I think that the things that you are feeling are totally normal, given what you've been through, but it doesn't make it suck any less to feel that way. 
    Married my own Prince at Walt Disney World Resort on September 9th, 2010 
    BFP#1 - 25/Aug/12 - EDD 2/May/13 - M/C - 08/Sept/12 - 6w2d - Never in my arms, forever in my heart <3
    BFP#2 - 13/May/13 - EDD 25/Jan/14 - Evelyn born January 27th 2014 

    My Blog

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    Congratulations to all of my TTCAL Treehouse friends on their BFPs and Rainbow Babies!!
  • Hugs, HH. I have no advice, but I am so happy to read any kind of update from you--I've been thinking about you a lot lately and hoping you and the little hippo are well!

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    BFP #1 (natural): 12/15/11; missed m/c and D&C at 7-8w
    BFP #2 (Menopur + Ovidrel + IUI#2): 11/20/12; hb@6w2d, no hb@7w6d; D&C
    BFP #3 (Menopur + Ovidrel + IUI#3): 6/7/13; Baby Button born via c/s 2/8/14
    Praying for Jenn0021's future rainbow--I love you, friend!
    ~~All welcome in my posts!~~
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  • I think what your feeling is normal and I know I feel that way too.  Our "safety Net" feeling of a normal pregnancy has been ripped from us.  Until I am holding a little healthy baby in my arms I don't think I will really feel confident talking about the future with her. 
  • I don't have any advice, but I can understand your feelings. I'm a very private person and I am dreading the questions when they come. For what it's worth I don't think any answer you give is the "wrong" answer. It's your baby, your body, so give them as little or as much detail as you feel comfortable. They don't need to know everything.
    imageimage
    BFP with #1 (twins!) 11/18/2011 - missed m/c at 8weeks3days; d&c 1/19/2012; myomectomy to remove 18cm+,10cm & 5cm fibroids 4/2012; TTC again 7/2012; BFP #2 (twins) 11/13/2012; missed m/c at 7weeks;
    BFP #3: EDD 3/6/2014: The Fruit

    Balaustine: an anthology about wanting family
  • [[HUGS]]
    BFP#1 9/28/2012 - EDD 6/3/2013 - MMC discovered 11/21/2012 @ 12w2d - D&C 11/24/2012
    BFP#2 4/4/2013 - Born at 37w3d on 11/26/13 via emergency c-section
    Loving our beautiful rainbow baby boy Archer!
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  • nice to hear from you, HH

    I feel like I could've written that post verbatium. In fact, I almost did, in a private livejournal group of friends I post with.

    It's really hard for me to get overly excited - my mom was talking to my belly and touching it on saturday. freaked me out. I don't know if it's more that I just have personal space issues and am very private or what, but it's tough.

    so know you're not alone in this. I hope it gets more comfortable for you. don't be afraid of telling people that  you're not ok with their questions.  

    BFP #1 - Mango - 6/11/12, EDD 2/22/12 Natural MC 7/15/12
    BFP #2 - Nacho - 10/14/12, EDD 6/20/13, MMC 8 weeks, D&C 11/16/12
    All testing shows both H and I are perfectly normal. Baby Nacho had triploidy. 
    Back to normal business December 2012
    BFP #3 - Froggy - 1/15/13, EDD 9/27/13 TEAM GREEN
    It's a girl! Alice - Born 9/20/13, 8lbs 2oz

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  • image km_md:
    I don't have any advice or anything, I just wanted to give you ((hugs)). I think that the things that you are feeling are totally normal, given what you've been through, but it doesn't make it suck any less to feel that way. 

    This.  (((hugs)))


    TTC since August 2011
    BFP#1 3/16/12 EDD 11/21/12 Delivered 6/1/12 at 15 weeks 2 days
    "If there ever comes a day when we can't be together... Keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever." ~ Winnie the Pooh

    BFP#2 4/14/13 EDD 12/24/13 Please be our rainbow after the storm!
    Beta#1 @ 15dpo 274, P4 16.9 Beta#2 @ 18dpo 940!! Doubling time of 40 hours!! u/s @ 6w2d showed a beautiful HB of 120! u/s @ 10w1d HB 174!! Grow, LO Grow!! Found out 7/22 we are TEAM BLUE!!
    Zaiden Harper was born 12/22/13 at 1:46 am. 9lbs 8oz and 22in
    ~*~AL Always Welcome~*~
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  • Big (((hugs))). I'm sorry, HH. 

    I can relate to what you're describing here. At a recent family get-together, some relatives wanted to talk about baby names. It's one of those conversations that I always desperately wanted while we were TTC, but when it was actually happening I just wanted it to stop. "Uncomfortable" really is the best word I can come with, too.

    BFP #1 1.2.12 EDD 9.15.12 :: mmc 2.22.12. / d&c 2.23.12 :: 2nd d&c 3.16.12

    "there is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

    BFP #2 2.27.13 EDD 11.8.13 Grow, baby, grow!

    My Ovulation Chart

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Anniversary

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    ~ all ALers welcome ~

  • Just giving you some *hugs*

    BFP #1 09/15/09, MMC 09/28/09
    BFP #2 06/04/12, EDD 02/09/13, MC at 6w3d on 06/18/12
    BFP #3 01/16/13, EDD 10/04/13, Born 09/17/13

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

  • Thanks, all, for the hugs and relating to my post. I do feel pretty cheated still about even little things like sorting through these feelings without the extra complications of loss and IF. Like how much of this is just me being a private person and how much is just me being protective of my heart because of all the extra fear?

    It is such a good "problem" to have, and every day I'm aware of how lucky I am to be here. Thanks for the support no matter where I am at.  

    TTC #1 since January 2011
    BFP#1 April 12, 2011, EDD December 24, 2011, strong heart beat at 7w3d, d&c at 10w6d
    BFP#2 Oct 24, 2011, natural miscarriage, EDD unknown
    After RPL testing my losses and subsequent infertility are considered unexplained.
    Cycle #22: Femara, TI, and progesterone = BFP!! 
    BFP#3 Dec 21, 2012. Beta #1 @14dpo = 134, progesterone 67.8. Beta #2 @ 17dpo = 664! Team green, EDD 9/1/13, healthy baby boy born 9/12/13!
    imageimage  My chart.


    Congratulations to the fabulous KGS2003! Her sweet boys are here! Grow boys grow!!!
  • It's normal. I went through the same thing. It's like I was afraid that talking about it would make something bad happen or that acknowledging it was tempting fate. Just hang in there and just do what you're comfortable doing. HUGS!
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    BFP #1 12/7/2011 EDD 8/21/2012 Delivered at 15 weeks 2/27/2012
    "I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."
    BFP#2 10/19/2012 EDD 6/30/2013 Muppet delivered 6/28/2013

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    My Blog: Dancing My Way Through Life, Loss, and Books

    Everyone is welcome in my posts.

  • The closer I get to the end, the more anxious I get. I feel a disconnect that I feel will only resolve when I hold her. You aren't alone. Huge hugs!
    BabyFruit Ticker Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • Giant Hugs! I am glad you gave us all an update.
    Wedding 08/08/08

    BFP #1 12/29/10 EDD 08/29/11 Blighted Ovum 02/09/11 D&C 02/11/11

    Clomid 50mg BFP #2 09/21/11 EDD 05/29/11 Chemical Pregnancy 10/4/11

    BFP #3 4/19/13 Beta1- 106 Beta2- 524 Beta3- 3500 EDD 12/22/13 LO born 12/31/13

  • I've "come out" to a lot of people in the past couple weeks and feel the same way. I appreciate their congratulations and kind words, but I don't want to talk about it further. 

    Truly I think we need to do whatever we need to do to take care of ourselves emotionally. If that means other people think we're being rude or weird, so be it. Take care of yourself and the little nugget and worry about them later.

    Big hugs to you! 

     

     

     

    BFP #1 June 2009 - Evangeline born 3/5/2010
    BFP #2 August 2012 - Partial Molar Pregnancy, D&C September 2012
           BFP #3 January 2013 - Chemical Pregnancy

    BFP #4 April 2013 - EDD 12/15/13

    Baby Charlie born 12/7/13!

  • I don't really understand the need for People to talk about all things pregnancy and baby related, and for the most part I avoid talking about them with the exception of a small group because frankly, I don't want to open myself up to their "advice". Some people do like to talk non stop about it, good for them. They're probably also incredibly boring people.
    Point being YOU are thinking about them, and that's all that's important. Because on some level, you do need to be somewhat prepared.

    I also think its incredibly hard as AL'ers to blindly accept that nothing is going to happen, and there's really no way of ever shaking that fear. And as we near the end, the stakes are even higher even if the odds are in our favor. And let's face it, we've been on the losing end of those odds before, why WOULD we think it can't happen to us?

    I've personally had to make an incredibly effort to do everything I can to try and enjoy this pregnancy; and for the most part succeeded, at least for me. But when I compare myself to girls on the BMB's I'm 20 steps behind them in terms of being "ready" and optimistic thinking. The crib is still in the box, the name is only a list, I only just had my shower, etc etc. You'll get there in your own time, on your own terms, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. One day it will feel real, even if that day is when your knee deep in poopy diapers and haven't slept for a week, it's OK!
    Married My Love on 6/18/2006
    BFP#1 10/1/2011. Our perfect little girl, Her heart stopped @ 12w1d. D&E 11/23/11
    BFP#2 3/13/12 Weird CP/Possible EP @ 6w0d
    BFP#3 5/28/12 CP @ 5w0d
    BFP/WTF#4 10/26/12 CP
    BFP#5 12/10/12 EDD 8/23/2013
    <3 Baby Boy Born 8/22/13 <3
     photo ellie.gifPhotobucket
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  • image TheSloppySwish:

    I've "come out" to a lot of people in the past couple weeks and feel the same way. I appreciate their congratulations and kind words, but I don't want to talk about it further. 

    Truly I think we need to do whatever we need to do to take care of ourselves emotionally. If that means other people think we're being rude or weird, so be it. Take care of yourself and the little nugget and worry about them later.

    Big hugs to you! 

    I'm worried about telling people, when we choose to, for this same reason. I can't imagine just talking about it so plainly and openly, it freaks me out. I feel VERY private about it, even changing the subject when close friends who know inquire about it.

    I'm also worried about making anyone who is secretly dealing with IF or losses upset. I know how hard it hurt for me and I don't want to do that to anyone!

    Big hugs to you, Hippo and posters. 

    BzeetyD = 38, Mr. BzeetyD = 44 together 12/02 married 9/08
    TTC #1 since 1/10
    DX: Unexplained/??? MFI issues

    Our lil' lost sparks:
    5w3d loss 7/30/10 - EDD March 2011
    8w loss 4/15/11 - EDD November 2011
    8w3d loss 8/2/12 - EDD March 2013
    4w c/p loss 10/29/12 - EDD July 2013

    Long story: trying on our own + testing testing testing with 6 rounds of Clomid, more testing, injectables + TI, laparoscopy - one tube blocked, 2 IUIs with Follistim...BFNs.
    RPL testing all normal, Karyotyping normal

    Moving on to IVF.

    IVF #1 April 2012 = BFN, IVF #2 June 2012 = BFP. U/S 7/23 = saw heartbeat but measuring behind. Follow up U/S on 7/30 - no heartbeat. D&C 8/2. Trisomy 12. IVF #3 Oct 2012 = Chemical Pregnancy

    Phone consult with CCRM on 12/12/12 - ODWU 1/4/13 - both tubes clear(!) - AFC 24, AMH 3.2, FSH 9.6, LH 5.4, E2 25. DH has high frag rate but improved!
    IVF #4 March 2013 CCRM. EP protocol w/ Menopur, Gonal-F & Dexamethasone. ER 3/29 & IMSI, PICSI. 43R 13M 10F 6blasts bio'd. CCS testing reveals 3 normals!!!
    FET 5/31/13 of 1 4AA blast - thawed and expanded. 4dp5dt BFP.
    Beta 9dp5dt = 181, 11dp5dt = 427. 1st u/s showed a healthy heartbeat! EDD 2/16/14

    After 4 years of hoping and heartbreak, our sweet little bean was born on 2/19/14
    We are so in love with her.

    "I'm not telling you it's going to be easy, I'm telling you it's going to be worth it."

    Everybody is welcome!!!
  • (((Hugs))) my friend. I think most of can relate to what you are feeling. I think the anxiety that comes with loss it a hard deal.  I also do not like to talk about my pregnancy and most people think I'm not happy about.  It's just too scary! 

    You know I'm here  if you need to talk. 

    image 

     

    image imageimage Nikki Majka's photo.

    Mom to 5 Angels and a wonderful DD   #1 3/92 M/C  12 W, #2 5/94 M/C  6 W, #3 8/02 M/C 8 W, #4 9/03 DD born.  
    10/10 our IVF Journey Began…  12/10 IVF 1= BFN  4/11 FET#1 = BFP!!  M/C 6/17/11 at 12 W #6 FET#2 BFP!! on 9/19/11  M/C 10/17/11 7W 3D  FET#3 1/27/2012 = BFN
    IVF Cycle 2 February 2013 ER = 2/15  FET = 4/12  BFP!! on  4/22 Beta 1 = 157 Beta 2 = 356 <p> 5/15 =Twins!!
    EDD 12/27/2013. Born on 9/29/13 at 27 weeks 2 days   
    Congratulations to My TTCAL Buddy Delino on the birth of her Baby Girl
     Congratulations to my TTCAL Buddy HungryHippo on the birth of her Baby Boy!
  • image katharine25:
    I don't really understand the need for People to talk about all things pregnancy and baby related, and for the most part I avoid talking about them with the exception of a small group because frankly, I don't want to open myself up to their "advice". Some people do like to talk non stop about it, good for them. They're probably also incredibly boring people.
    Point being YOU are thinking about them, and that's all that's important. Because on some level, you do need to be somewhat prepared.

    I also think its incredibly hard as AL'ers to blindly accept that nothing is going to happen, and there's really no way of ever shaking that fear. And as we near the end, the stakes are even higher even if the odds are in our favor. And let's face it, we've been on the losing end of those odds before, why WOULD we think it can't happen to us?

    I've personally had to make an incredibly effort to do everything I can to try and enjoy this pregnancy; and for the most part succeeded, at least for me. But when I compare myself to girls on the BMB's I'm 20 steps behind them in terms of being "ready" and optimistic thinking. The crib is still in the box, the name is only a list, I only just had my shower, etc etc. You'll get there in your own time, on your own terms, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. One day it will feel real, even if that day is when your knee deep in poopy diapers and haven't slept for a week, it's OK!


    Couldn't have said it better myself. You're not alone, hon. Hugs to you.
    ***PgAL February Siggy Challenge***
    image image image
    BFP#1 1/19/2012 - EDD 9/21/2012 - missed miscarriage discovered 2/14/2012 - D&C 2-24-2012
    BFP#2 7-27-2012 - EDD 4/8/2013 - blighted ovum discovered 8-23-2012 - D&C 8-27-2012
    BFP#3 12-7-2012 - EDD 8/12/2013 - "Please don't take my Sunshine away."
    Ticker
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