September 2013 Moms

In-laws visiting after baby's arrival

Background: my MIL is very caring and means well and we have a good relationship, though she does tend to annoy me with being very pushy & opinionated.

So, she's pushing DH and I to tell her when they can come visit us after the baby is born. (DH and I live in NY, and they live down south, so they're going to have to fly). I just honestly have no idea what to tell her since A) nobody knows when the baby will actually be born, and B) I have no idea how I'm going to feel, ie, if I'm going to want alone time with DH for 2 days vs a full week, or if we'll want them visiting right away. She said she just "doesn't want to have this conversation after the baby is born," but in my mind I don't know how I can make this call until the baby is born! We also have to factor in my parents visiting, though they have been good and haven't been pushing for a date.

I know that she's just excited about seeing the baby, but the extra pressure of needing to know right this minute about when they can visit is stressing me out. Anyone else dealing with this? If so, how are you timing parents' visits with DH's paternity leave? (Are you having parents visit when he'll be home, or after he goes back so that you're not alone?)

Re: In-laws visiting after baby's arrival

  • My due date is Sept 18th and since I don't know exactly when my little one will be born, I've told my mom she can plan her trip to visit any time in October.  I highly doubt my doctor will let me go much past 1 week past due and that should allow us a week or 2 home by ourselves.  My husband's paternity leave is also still up in the air since we don't know the exact date.  I'm trying to be flexible but understand my parents will want to visit as soon as possible.  I would maybe give your inlaws a range of dates that will work for you.  Personally I'd rather have my mom visit when DH is back at work but if it was his parents visiting, I would definitely want him to be there to buffer them when needed.
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  • image cabusbey:
    Personally I'd rather have my mom visit when DH is back at work but if it was his parents visiting, I would definitely want him to be there to buffer them when needed.

     This, exactly. I definitely want them visiting when DH will be home, too, so he can buffer. Thanks for the reminder on that! 

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    When DS was born we got home from the hospital on a Monday afternoon. My mom came down that evening and stayed through Wednesday afternoon.  Then we had the night to ourselves and DH's mom came down the following afternoon and stayed two weeks.  DH was home that first week and it was then nice to have his mom here after he went back to work.  

    I'm not sure what we'll be doing this time.   

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  • I would tell her just what you said.... say you appreciate that she wants to come and visit, but you'd like to wait until you have the baby and feel like you can spend some time figuring out a new routine, then visitors are welcome. 

    If she continues to push, tell her the answer is never :) 

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  • My mom is going to book her ticket as soon as I deliver LO for that following weekend and staying for just a few days (she's a teacher and can't take a bunch of time).  DH's paternity leave may or may not be taken right away depending on where he is in training so we aren't concerned about timing with when my mom is coming.  MIL is overbearing so I've already decided she isn't coming right away.  DH and I decided the best time for both sides of the family to meet LO (other than my mom) would be at Christmas.  We live far away from our families and it isn't easy to come see us.  We knew that by Christmas we would have a good schedule with LO and that I would be hopefully healed and not emotional/crazy/whatever else PP hormones have in store for me.

    We made our decision a long time ago, told MIl our plan, and stuck to it.  She still stresses me out when she tries to sway my decision, but I know that I won't budge.  Let your MIL know exactly what you are thinking and leave it at that.  Do whatever is best for you and your family. 

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  • I feel similarly, but to be fair to their plans, we do try to give them a time frame. Generally, we say a month after EDD is when my ILs can come. MIL wants to be helpful, and is if we are very clear with what do to, but also need to be more ready for them to come as guests compared to my parents. 

    Are you having other help more immediately?  My mom comes for a couple of weeks, then we like to have about a week or a few days before more visitors. At a month, or 6 weeks past EDD, baby is still small but I'm recovered a lot more.

    So for this time, with my being due the 8th, we have suggested coming the first or second week of October.  Then they can plan their tickets, and I understand your MIL's feeling of not wanting to wait until after the birth to talk timing. 

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  • Sorry, I have no advice whatsoever.  My ILs will be showing up when we call to say the baby is born and MIL is taking a week's holidays at that time.  She will show up here and hold the baby all day.  That is it.  I will be entertaining her all week and wanting to pull my hair out b/c she won't be helpful at all.  I know, I shouldn't expect her to do things around my house, but she shouldn't expect me to make her 3 meals a day and do her laundry after just giving birth.  Good luck with whatever you work out. 

    What if you set a date that is far past your due date that you KNOW LO will be here by, and tell them to come then.  Like middle of October - that would give you some time to get a schedule going and to get comfortable in your own routine before having them there. 

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  • In your situation, I would probably tell them to come in October. Gives you plenty of wiggle room for the baby's arrival and tickets should be cheap for them since it is not near a holiday.  
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  • image GermanShredders:
    In your situation, I would probably tell them to come in October. Gives you plenty of wiggle room for the baby's arrival and tickets should be cheap for them since it is not near a holiday.  

    I think this is a really good idea. My only concern is her complaining that it's so far long after the baby is born. Would she think it's rude of me to have her wait that long to come and visit? (Note that I don't think it's that long, but I can definitely see her saying that, and that her feelings are hurt). Ugh.

  • Edit to above post: my EDD is Sept 1.
  • image NYHeel:

    image GermanShredders:
    In your situation, I would probably tell them to come in October. Gives you plenty of wiggle room for the baby's arrival and tickets should be cheap for them since it is not near a holiday.  

    I think this is a really good idea. My only concern is her complaining that it's so far long after the baby is born. Would she think it's rude of me to have her wait that long to come and visit? (Note that I don't think it's that long, but I can definitely see her saying that, and that her feelings are hurt). Ugh.

    When I asked MIL what she wanted to do, she said that she would come mid October for a few days, that when she had my husband she remembered really only wanting to be around her husband/mom and wanting time alone with the baby.  I also have a pretty awesome MIL so there's that.   I'd just propose it as how about mid October that way we can be sure baby will be here and we'll be used to taking care of him a bit/ I'll be more recovered so we can really enjoy our time together.  I'm also planning on having the baby baptized while they are here so I don't know if you can incorporate that into a reason for waiting a bit. 


  • My mother in law relationship sounds like yours.  My in laws wanted to be around right away and were willing to help.  I took them up on that offer and they did things like pick up meals for us, wash laundry and hold the baby so we could sleep for a while.  If they are willing to be helpful, I would have them come out sooner than october.  If they just want to sit around and party, tell them wait until October.  
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  • image NYHeel:

    image GermanShredders:
    In your situation, I would probably tell them to come in October. Gives you plenty of wiggle room for the baby's arrival and tickets should be cheap for them since it is not near a holiday.  

    I think this is a really good idea. My only concern is her complaining that it's so far long after the baby is born. Would she think it's rude of me to have her wait that long to come and visit? (Note that I don't think it's that long, but I can definitely see her saying that, and that her feelings are hurt). Ugh.

    Just assure her the baby will still be small then. I think my MIL probably frets about the same thing and would come the day of the birth if I let her, but she respects our wishes.  You really don't have to worry about how she feels about it beyond that, if you are comfortable in your decision and being respectful/understanding of their desire to come and their place in your lives (even if annoying sometimes!)

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  • My in-laws live a few minutes away, but are very respectful of space. Primarily because they don't really get out much. They would visit every day, but would call first, bring food and keep the stay short.
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  • My sister, who I'm not close with, is going to visit about 2 weeks after my due date. She needed to get a ticket in advance and get the time off on her work schedule. She won't be helpful, will be annoying, but at that point I'll barely know up from down, so it's fine. And that early on, I have every excuse to be rude, not hang out, etc. Later, I'd feel the need to play hostess.
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  • image princessvespa1:

    Sorry, I have no advice whatsoever.  My ILs will be showing up when we call to say the baby is born and MIL is taking a week's holidays at that time.  She will show up here and hold the baby all day.  That is it.  I will be entertaining her all week and wanting to pull my hair out b/c she won't be helpful at all.  I know, I shouldn't expect her to do things around my house, but she shouldn't expect me to make her 3 meals a day and do her laundry after just giving birth.  Good luck with whatever you work out. 

    What if you set a date that is far past your due date that you KNOW LO will be here by, and tell them to come then.  Like middle of October - that would give you some time to get a schedule going and to get comfortable in your own routine before having them there. 

    Not to hijack the post, but damn, you need to put your foot down. No way would that be happening in my home.

    OP, I think you just need to be firm with MIL and tell her exactly what you said here. If she can't accept that, then you can tell her it is her only option to see the baby period.  


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  • image princessvespa1:

    Sorry, I have no advice whatsoever.  My ILs will be showing up when we call to say the baby is born and MIL is taking a week's holidays at that time.  She will show up here and hold the baby all day.  That is it.  I will be entertaining her all week and wanting to pull my hair out b/c she won't be helpful at all.  I know, I shouldn't expect her to do things around my house, but she shouldn't expect me to make her 3 meals a day and do her laundry after just giving birth.  Good luck with whatever you work out. 

    What if you set a date that is far past your due date that you KNOW LO will be here by, and tell them to come then.  Like middle of October - that would give you some time to get a schedule going and to get comfortable in your own routine before having them there. 

    I don't mean to derive from the OP but you need to seriously put your foot down and establish boundaries NOW.  There is no way in hell I would be waiting on a guest after just having had a baby.  If someone wishes to come and visit, they need to know that they should not expect to just hold the baby while I'm cleaning up after them, cooking them meals.

    It's your home, your baby, and your rules.  If she doesn't respect that, she should stay home.  I'm so surprised that your DH isn't stepping in on this - how does he feel? 


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  • image MommaDall:
    If they are willing to be helpful, I would have them come out sooner than october.  If they just want to sit around and party, tell them wait until October.  

     

    My DH said basically this when we were discussing MIL and her BF coming from out of state the week after my EDD. But, for me, there is no way to determine what it will really be like when they get here. And I couldn't figure out a polite way of saying, "You can come visit immediately after baby is born, but only if you do my laundry and help with chores."

    Yes, MIL "says" she is coming to help out, but I know I will end up entertaining them and trying to find things for them to do. They mean well, but know better that it will be more of a hassle to have them there. (Especially her creepy BF). But since I don't want to hurt her feelings, I said she could come, but the BF would be too much and we'd rather just her come. 

     

  • I read your initial post, but I haven't read through all of the responses so I apologize if I repeat anything or ask something that has already been answered. 

    My husband and I have spoken about it and we've decided that we don't want him to take the full paternity leave...because we want to get the Hell out of Dodge ASAP (he's military, and taking the 10 days could put him back and we hate this place). 

    The way that we're choosing to work it is to have my mom come a week or so before I go into labor so that she can assist both of us (I guess she's going to be like my doula?), and because both of us are first time parents and have NO idea what we're doing. She's going to stay for a week or two after that, and then his parents are going to come up a few days before she leaves to kind of overlap, I guess. His mom will stay for another couple of weeks to continue to help us and make sure that we've got a grasp on parenthood. 

    My point is to do what works for you. I wouldn't have a big gathering at the hospital (which you already seem like you've decided against). Explain to her that you're unsure about how your delivery is going to go, and you want to make sure that you have enough time for you and your husband to bond with your child. It may be a conversation for after the baby comes just so you have a better idea of how you feel. 

    If you don't want her there for a month afterward, then that's your decision, but that's how we're doing it. 
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  • image cabusbey:
    I would definitely want him to be there to buffer them when needed.

     YES! Thanks for saying this. I now know I feel the same way! :)

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