LGBT Parenting

Nonbio mom books?

Hey all,

So, DW was talking with me today about being non bio and having some concern about bonding with baby. I know this is a completely normal feeling for non bio parents, but I want to help her feel a little better. Can any of you recommend books or resources for her? Thank you!

TTC our first. Married to, and madly in love with, my beautiful wife. Living with our fur baby and enjoying 19 nieces and nephews. 
  • DW and I have been tracking, preparing, getting medical testing since January 2013.
  • First Cycle: Unmedicated ICI w/ Donor Sperm 08/02/13: BFN
  • Second Cycle: Unmedicated ICI w/ Donor Sperm 09/11/13, 09/13/13, 09/15/13: BFN
  • Third Cycle: Unmedicated ICI w/ Donor Sperm: 10/13/13, 10/15/13, 10/17/13, 10/21/13: BFN
  • January 2014: Sonohysterogram shows excellent lining & tubes have no blockages
  • Fourth Cycle:  Monitored clomid cycle  w/ ICI's at home: 1/24/14 and 1/25/14. Ovulation verified:  BFN
  • Fifth Cycle: 02/2014 Femara 5mg with ovidrel trigger CD14: BFN
  • Taking a few months off to evaluate if we want to keep trying


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image

Re: Nonbio mom books?

  • Hey! I have been looking for these lately as well! I have found a few...I don't know how good they are but they might be worth a check!

     

    - Confessions of the other mother: non-biological lesbian moms tell all (Harlyn Aizley) 

    - She looks just like you: A memoir of (nonbiological lesbian) motherhood (Amie Klemonauer Miller) 

     

     

     

    Queer coupled and having a BABY with the love of my life! Love my life and wouldn't have it any other way!
    First IUI 1/22/2013 BFN: 2/7/2013
    Second IUI 2/21/2013 BFN: 3/9/2013 
    Third IUI 4/23/2013 BFN: 5/8/2013
    Fourth IUI 5/24/2013 BFN: 6/7/2013
    Fifth IUI 6/24/2013 BFN: 7/8/2013
    C began IUI's
    7/23/2013 C's first IUI BFN
    8/21/2013 C's second IUI BFN
    Took a break in September and October
    11/05/2013 C's 3rd IUI (TWW...we meet again...) BFN
    Took off the month to switch to an RE.
    01/01/2014 C's 4th IUI...BFP!!!!!!!! Beta #1- 17, Beta #2- 34, Beta #3-140....  6W Ultra-Sound Reveals nothing in Gestation Sack... Natural M/C at 7W, 2/3/2014
    03/21/2014 IUI #10...BFP!!! Beta #1- 48, Beta #2- 416, Beta #3- 1018. GROW BABY GROW!!!

    1st Ultrasound 4/22/2014 Baby Squints is PERFECT! Measuring at 6w2d with a heartbeat of 129. EDD: 12/12/14.
  • Thanks! I saw these on amazon, but the reviews scare me! I want an honest book, but not one that is full of negativity. I am thinking that having her talk to other non bio moms could help, too.

    TTC our first. Married to, and madly in love with, my beautiful wife. Living with our fur baby and enjoying 19 nieces and nephews. 
    • DW and I have been tracking, preparing, getting medical testing since January 2013.
    • First Cycle: Unmedicated ICI w/ Donor Sperm 08/02/13: BFN
    • Second Cycle: Unmedicated ICI w/ Donor Sperm 09/11/13, 09/13/13, 09/15/13: BFN
    • Third Cycle: Unmedicated ICI w/ Donor Sperm: 10/13/13, 10/15/13, 10/17/13, 10/21/13: BFN
    • January 2014: Sonohysterogram shows excellent lining & tubes have no blockages
    • Fourth Cycle:  Monitored clomid cycle  w/ ICI's at home: 1/24/14 and 1/25/14. Ovulation verified:  BFN
    • Fifth Cycle: 02/2014 Femara 5mg with ovidrel trigger CD14: BFN
    • Taking a few months off to evaluate if we want to keep trying


    image
    image
  • KH826KH826
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    member
    I second the recommendation for She Looks Just Like You -- my wife and I both read it and it was a great read!

    Me - 30, My wife - 301 , Together for 9.5 yrs - Married August 2012

    5 medicated IUIs w/ RE (March - July 2013) = BFN

    Fresh IVF Cycle in September 2013 resulted in 18 mature eggs, 16 fertilized, 12 made it to day 5. Transfer of 2 Grade A blastocysts on 9/15/13, and 10 embryos in the freezer!      BFP on 9/25/13 - betas: @10dp5dt = 232; @12dp5dt = 465; @15dp5dt = 1,581    Anatomy scan on 1/15/14 -- We are having a baby girl!!! :)                                             Baby girl is due 6/3/14!

    BabyFetus Ticker

     

  • Hmm...I haven't looked at any of the reviews...I was able to reserve both of these at my local library...maybe try that before you buy a book you're not crazy about!
    Queer coupled and having a BABY with the love of my life! Love my life and wouldn't have it any other way!
    First IUI 1/22/2013 BFN: 2/7/2013
    Second IUI 2/21/2013 BFN: 3/9/2013 
    Third IUI 4/23/2013 BFN: 5/8/2013
    Fourth IUI 5/24/2013 BFN: 6/7/2013
    Fifth IUI 6/24/2013 BFN: 7/8/2013
    C began IUI's
    7/23/2013 C's first IUI BFN
    8/21/2013 C's second IUI BFN
    Took a break in September and October
    11/05/2013 C's 3rd IUI (TWW...we meet again...) BFN
    Took off the month to switch to an RE.
    01/01/2014 C's 4th IUI...BFP!!!!!!!! Beta #1- 17, Beta #2- 34, Beta #3-140....  6W Ultra-Sound Reveals nothing in Gestation Sack... Natural M/C at 7W, 2/3/2014
    03/21/2014 IUI #10...BFP!!! Beta #1- 48, Beta #2- 416, Beta #3- 1018. GROW BABY GROW!!!

    1st Ultrasound 4/22/2014 Baby Squints is PERFECT! Measuring at 6w2d with a heartbeat of 129. EDD: 12/12/14.
  • I actually hated "She looks just like you". I found the writer's experience of not being the "real mother" very upsetting. While I respect people's rights to self identify that way if they choose, she seemed to feel forced into it because she couldn't get pregnant.
    ****signature and ticker warning*****

    We're queer. I'm 33 and don't have any fallopian tubes left. My love ("Manada" on the boards, 32) was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve. We did Partner IVF (my eggs, her uterus).

    Our TTC and Infertility history:
    with @Manada: IUI# 1-7 (December 2012- September 2013) all BFN. Tried natural, femara, clomid, puregon/follistim, clomid and menopur combo, both the ovidrel and HCG triggers.

    with me: blocked tube dx'd via HSG in December 2012; polyps dx'd via sonohysterogram in 12/2012 and removed via hysteroscopy in 1/2013; hydrosalpinx & ovarian cyst dx'd in 5/2013 via transvaginal ultrasound. Laparoscopy performed 6/2013 to deal with hydrosalpinx--dx of Stage IV Endo & bilateral salpinectomy during surgery. Repeat hysteroscopy 10/2013 with two polyps removed.

    Our IVFs:
    IVF November/December 2013: Cancelled IVF due to poor response

    IVF January/February 2014
    BCPs and lupron overlap
    Stimmed: 1/22-2/2: Bravelle and Menopur (dosage ranged from B300 and M150 to B375 and M150 to B300 and M225)
    2/4 retrieved 10 eggs. Endo was much worse than expected. Only 3 eggs fertilized; February 7 transferred two day 3 embryos, froze one. All great condition.
    HPT BFP on 2/13 evening (6dp3dt); Beta 1 (2/18 at 11dp3dt): 110; Beta 2 (2/20 at 13dp3dt): 175; Beta 3 (2/22 at 15dp3dt):  348; Beta 4 (2/26 at 19dp3dt): 2222; Beta 5 (2/28 at 21dp3dt): 4255
    1st ultrasound (3/6  6w 1d): TWINS!!!! Twin A measuring 6w1d with a heartbeat of 118bpm. Twin B measuring 6w0d with a heartbeat of 113bpm. 9 week ultrasound (3/26): We saw both move! Twin A measuring 8w6d with a heartbeat of 182 and Twin B measuring 8w5d with a heartbeat of 180.

    image  image


    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • My partner has been reading Confessions of the Other Mother. It has seemed to help her.
  • KH826KH826
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    member

    image healz413:
    I actually hated "She looks just like you". I found the writer's experience of not being the "real mother" very upsetting. While I respect people's rights to self identify that way if they choose, she seemed to feel forced into it because she couldn't get pregnant.

    That's interesting. I read the book over a year ago, and hearing you say that makes me want to re-read it. I am in a much different place now with TTC and views on parenthood (and even partnership)... and I might interpret it differently now than I did then. With that being said, I remember feeling like her experiences were honest and real... and I took her comments regarding the "real mother sentiment" you are describing to be more of a feeling of loss over not being able to carry and having to find a way to grieve that loss and relate to her child in ways she had not planned on (since she had always assumed that she would carry)...

    Don't get me wrong, I totally respect your opinion, and now I am actually intrigued to revisit the book and see if perhaps my view on it might be different now than it was last year...

    Me - 30, My wife - 301 , Together for 9.5 yrs - Married August 2012

    5 medicated IUIs w/ RE (March - July 2013) = BFN

    Fresh IVF Cycle in September 2013 resulted in 18 mature eggs, 16 fertilized, 12 made it to day 5. Transfer of 2 Grade A blastocysts on 9/15/13, and 10 embryos in the freezer!      BFP on 9/25/13 - betas: @10dp5dt = 232; @12dp5dt = 465; @15dp5dt = 1,581    Anatomy scan on 1/15/14 -- We are having a baby girl!!! :)                                             Baby girl is due 6/3/14!

    BabyFetus Ticker

     

  • image KH826:

    image healz413:
    I actually hated "She looks just like you". I found the writer's experience of not being the "real mother" very upsetting. While I respect people's rights to self identify that way if they choose, she seemed to feel forced into it because she couldn't get pregnant.

    That's interesting. I read the book over a year ago, and hearing you say that makes me want to re-read it. I am in a much different place now with TTC and views on parenthood (and even partnership)... and I might interpret it differently now than I did then. With that being said, I remember feeling like her experiences were honest and real... and I took her comments regarding the "real mother sentiment" you are describing to be more of a feeling of loss over not being able to carry and having to find a way to grieve that loss and relate to her child in ways she had not planned on (since she had always assumed that she would carry)...

    Don't get me wrong, I totally respect your opinion, and now I am actually intrigued to revisit the book and see if perhaps my view on it might be different now than it was last year...



    It is also totally possible that I read it through a very specific lens related to the things M and I were going through. :
    ****signature and ticker warning*****

    We're queer. I'm 33 and don't have any fallopian tubes left. My love ("Manada" on the boards, 32) was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve. We did Partner IVF (my eggs, her uterus).

    Our TTC and Infertility history:
    with @Manada: IUI# 1-7 (December 2012- September 2013) all BFN. Tried natural, femara, clomid, puregon/follistim, clomid and menopur combo, both the ovidrel and HCG triggers.

    with me: blocked tube dx'd via HSG in December 2012; polyps dx'd via sonohysterogram in 12/2012 and removed via hysteroscopy in 1/2013; hydrosalpinx & ovarian cyst dx'd in 5/2013 via transvaginal ultrasound. Laparoscopy performed 6/2013 to deal with hydrosalpinx--dx of Stage IV Endo & bilateral salpinectomy during surgery. Repeat hysteroscopy 10/2013 with two polyps removed.

    Our IVFs:
    IVF November/December 2013: Cancelled IVF due to poor response

    IVF January/February 2014
    BCPs and lupron overlap
    Stimmed: 1/22-2/2: Bravelle and Menopur (dosage ranged from B300 and M150 to B375 and M150 to B300 and M225)
    2/4 retrieved 10 eggs. Endo was much worse than expected. Only 3 eggs fertilized; February 7 transferred two day 3 embryos, froze one. All great condition.
    HPT BFP on 2/13 evening (6dp3dt); Beta 1 (2/18 at 11dp3dt): 110; Beta 2 (2/20 at 13dp3dt): 175; Beta 3 (2/22 at 15dp3dt):  348; Beta 4 (2/26 at 19dp3dt): 2222; Beta 5 (2/28 at 21dp3dt): 4255
    1st ultrasound (3/6  6w 1d): TWINS!!!! Twin A measuring 6w1d with a heartbeat of 118bpm. Twin B measuring 6w0d with a heartbeat of 113bpm. 9 week ultrasound (3/26): We saw both move! Twin A measuring 8w6d with a heartbeat of 182 and Twin B measuring 8w5d with a heartbeat of 180.

    image  image


    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • ManadaManada
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    member
    image KH826:

    image healz413:
    I actually hated "She looks just like you". I found the writer's experience of not being the "real mother" very upsetting. While I respect people's rights to self identify that way if they choose, she seemed to feel forced into it because she couldn't get pregnant.

    That's interesting. I read the book over a year ago, and hearing you say that makes me want to re-read it. I am in a much different place now with TTC and views on parenthood (and even partnership)... and I might interpret it differently now than I did then. With that being said, I remember feeling like her experiences were honest and real... and I took her comments regarding the "real mother sentiment" you are describing to be more of a feeling of loss over not being able to carry and having to find a way to grieve that loss and relate to her child in ways she had not planned on (since she had always assumed that she would carry)...

     I didn't hate the book as much as H. did -- but I did find that I had a hard time identifying with the book because she (the writer) was so set and resentful that being a non-bio mom made her less of a parent. 

     I read the book before we started TTC and again when I was coming to terms with not being a birth parent (probably, who knows what'll happen) --- so I dunno.... but I guess everyone sees something different in it.

     

     

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    queer couple - 31 (me) & 32 (my love) years old - donor sperm,

    Our IF/TTC journey:
    Me: dx of DOR in Nov. 2012. Low AMH, AFC - 6, Normal FSH, SS-A (RO) Antibodies (Autoimmune issues), tubes clear, Sono (November 2013) NORMAL! <p>

    7 IUI's - December 2012-September 2013.  Medicated, Injected, Triggered.... all BFN.

    My Love:  (the amazing Healz413)
    Normal AMH & FSH, AFC ~27, blocked tube dx'd via HSG in 2012.   Hydrosalpinx & ovarian cyst dx'd in May 2013.
    dx of Stage IV Endo & bilateral salpinectomy in June 2013.  

    image

    Partner IVF#1a- December 2013 - H's eggs, my Ute - CANCELLED due to low response
    Partner IVF #1b - February 2014 - H's eggs, my Ute - ER February 4 (10 retrieved, 3 fertilized), Transfer Feb 7 of one Grade 1 and one Grade 2 day 3 embryos.  1 - Day 3, Grade 1 frosty saved.   BFP - 6dp3dt via FRER, Beta #1 - 110, Beta #2 175, Beta #3 - 348, Beta #4 - 2222!, Beta #5 - 4255.  Ultrasound (6w1d) - TWO HEARTBEATS!   Rocky 1 & Rocky 2 are rocking out in there.


  • 2MamazinSeattle had suggested a book to me and now I can't find the name of it... It was about carrying a non-bio child though, which is slightly different.
    M&K met 8/2002 married 6/2012
    TTC with RE since March 2012
    3 missed O's, 6 IUIs = 1 BFP then 8 w M/C, 5 BFNs
    (2 unmedicated IUIs, 2 clomid IUI, 2 femara IUI)
    Shared maternity/partner IVF, transfer #1 BFP!
    EDD 11/28/13
  • Thank you for the tips! After looking into the books and reading reviews, as well as all the reviews on the bump, we decided that DW should just talk to the other non-bio moms that we know. There are a few and I think having that real life discussion will help a lot. 

    Thanks again!!

    TTC our first. Married to, and madly in love with, my beautiful wife. Living with our fur baby and enjoying 19 nieces and nephews. 
    • DW and I have been tracking, preparing, getting medical testing since January 2013.
    • First Cycle: Unmedicated ICI w/ Donor Sperm 08/02/13: BFN
    • Second Cycle: Unmedicated ICI w/ Donor Sperm 09/11/13, 09/13/13, 09/15/13: BFN
    • Third Cycle: Unmedicated ICI w/ Donor Sperm: 10/13/13, 10/15/13, 10/17/13, 10/21/13: BFN
    • January 2014: Sonohysterogram shows excellent lining & tubes have no blockages
    • Fourth Cycle:  Monitored clomid cycle  w/ ICI's at home: 1/24/14 and 1/25/14. Ovulation verified:  BFN
    • Fifth Cycle: 02/2014 Femara 5mg with ovidrel trigger CD14: BFN
    • Taking a few months off to evaluate if we want to keep trying


    image
    image
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