Parenting

Having some doubts and fears..

Hi all!

It's nice coming from theknot.com to thebump.com! We were married June 22, 2013 and we have babies on the brain! My husband will be 37 this December and I will be 30 in November. While we would love to hold off and enjoy married life for a few years, we also do not want to wait for a variety of reasons (age, siblings have young children, our parents are getting older, etc).

The past few months, I couldnt wait until we were married and I could get off the pill. Now that I am off, I'm starting to worry. My brother has identical twin girls that are 14 months. They are the cutest babies and we love them to death. However, it seems that everytime I babysit or am with them for long periods of time, I start questioning if this is what I want? The life change, the "me time" totally gone, the stress it could place on our marriage, or the time it takes away from us. I worry if i can handle it all. I am a good aunt, and i think I'll be a good mom, but I'm scared of everything that comes with it. I know all the moms i talk to say it will be tough, it will be hard but at the end of it all, it was the best choice i made. So maybe when the time comes, you just learn to go with it? Or is the way I feel a sign I shouldnt be a parent? My husband is on board and wants a family but he even feels the way i do at times, moreso about the impact it will have on us. Any advice or suggestions?! Aplogize for posting on multiple boards (just trying to find the right one!) Thanks!!

Re: Having some doubts and fears..

  • SpookoSpooko
    10000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its Second Anniversary
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    You don't have to rush into it. You can wait awhile before you decide. It's probably advisable to wait awhile if you're on the fence, because that's one decision you can't just take back. Just because you get stressed taking care of twins that aren't even yours doesn't mean you aren't fit to be a mother, either.

  • Other people's kids aren't a great gauge. When it's your own, you'll be so in love with that little person you won't believe it.

    If you're both ready, go for it. If people avoided having kids because they were scared, no one would ever do it.

    But If you need more time, take it. Once they're here it's game over.


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  • It's OK to have "me" time and "couple" time. DS was born after we were married 8 years and I treasure that time we had together first. We were close to your ages, btw.

    It's more important that you build a family on a time table that works for your immediate family than one that suits potential grandparents or even helps your kids fit in with cousins. DS's oldest grandmother was 78 when he was born and delighted in him. His much younger and more vital grandparents were busy enjoying their empty nest. His nearest cousin in age is 8 years older, but now that he's older he's quite connected with them.

    It's hard to say if your twin nieces represent a real trial run. Multiples can be a lot of work. Caring for children whose parents parent differently than you might isn't always easy either. The whole "it's different when it's your own" didn't ring true for me. I adored my older niece. I spent a lot of time caring for her and helped raise her after her mom died. She's part of why I even had a child once I got married and in a lot of ways I am more connected to her in some ways than my own DS. 

     

  • It's ok to wait if you're unsure right now.  If you don't want to wait, that's ok too.

    I had similar feelings when I was engaged.  I loved my niece and nephews, but MH and I weren't sure if we wanted kids of our own after seeing them grow through the various stages of infancy and toddlerhood.  Once we were married, we ditched the bc, and after a few months we felt more confident that we did want to start a family.

    Talk about it with your H, and keep all options on the table.  See if your feelings change or not.  GL.

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  • It's normal to have fears and a little uncertainty, because it is a whole new world that you cant know until you're actually there -- I agree with the PP who said other people's kids arent a good way to gauge for sure if it's what you want...it is different when it's your own

    I was in the same boat as you, with similar fears.  When I got pregnant it actually wasnt planned.  I was off the pill because we were thinking of trying SOON and I wanted my body to regulate, but we were still using other methods of BC ...and it's funny because the month I got pregnant I had actually told my H that I wanted to put it off another year because I wasnt sure we were ready yet (really I just kept getting cold feet, with similar fears you had)....so .. you can imagine how surprised I was when apparently an oops happened and I tested positive later that month! 

    Now that it's happened, I do not regret it one bit! The amount of love you feel for your own child is so powerful it practically hurts, and it cannot be imagined until you're actually in that position.  Is it hard? YES... can it be frustrating sometimes not to have the same freedoms you once did -- Of course.  But is it ultimately worth it? Yes times a million... I wouldnt trade my son for anything

    If you want children and you feel like you're both emotionally ready to settle down and give yourself to a child -- go for it... and it's OK to be nervous and be afraid of the unknown...You will figure it out and it will be Ok!

    If you are having REAL doubts and need some more time ...that's OK too! Enjoy married life for awhile, because I wont sugar coat it -- it is tough, especially while you're getting the hang of things in the very beginning and you need a good solid relationship with your husband 

    Either way -- best of luck to you!! 


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  • I really wanted children when I met DH.  When we finally became pregnant, I was in a panic.  I was terrified and it was finally very real that I would be bringing a little person into the world that I would always be in a way responsible for. 

    As soon as I saw his little face, it all made sense to me.  There are days I long for the independence that we once had, to be able to just pick up and leave and not have to worry about anyone other than ourselves, but those feelings are fleeting.  We will not always have to bring a baby along where we go, those days are truly short.  DS is 18 months and I cannot believe how fast time really goes by.   

    I know it's always said, but nothing has ever brought me such joy as he has.  The love is so deep and intense, I could not imagine my life without him, even during the hard days.  He gives me a purpose and meaning to my life that I never could achieve through other avenues. 

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  • Doubts and fears are normal. Having kids is a major decision, after all. Many people question it...it's really common eveb on the 1st Tri board to see newly pregnant women in a sudden panic once they get their positive tests and that's even having planned it. And they've already made the leap.

    My H and I were 33 and 31 when we got married, respectively. We got started right away and were pregnant 2 months after our wedding. I am 34 now and he is 36 and we have 2 kids...a toddler and a newborn.

    I won't lie and tell you that having children, especially a demanding newborn, doesn't place some stress on even the strongest marriage...and I consider DH and I to have a very strong marriage. But we make sure to communicate and we do work as a team and that helps. We do argue more now, post kids, though. I think it's also hard for us because we don't really have much local family help with the kids so we haven't had a date night in awhile and we have only had one overnight just us since our first was born.

    You need to make your own decision, of course, and you'll never love another child like you will your own. The rewards are sweet and many, but its also hard work...especially with an infant...and it's one bell that can't be unrung so I think you're wise to think hard about it. OTOH, there is no "perfect" time although there are better times, to start a family. Does that make sense?

    I'd say depending on how long you've been together, there's nothing wrong with taking a little time to enjoy being newlywed, either. You will never have such freedom again once kids come so now is the time to do the traveling, enjoy the spontaneity, etc. It doesn't mean you'll never have that again, of course...it just takes a lot more planning.

    I love my kids with everything in me and wouldn't change anything but there ARE days I long for the carefree newlywed days again. And then my 2yr old daughter will do something amazingly sweet or I will get a snuggle from my 6wk old son and its a reminder all the sacrifices are worth it.

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  • I would be concerned if you weren't having any doubts or fears.  Becoming a parent IS scary. 

    I was straight up terrified, almost paralyzed with fear and completely overwhelmed the first 4-6 weeks of my daughter's life.  But each day, I figured something else out and it got easier and I relaxed.  I think that's pretty typical.

    Anyone that thinks they are "ready" to have children (like I did-- H and I were married almost 4 years at the time, in our early 30s, both employed, had spare bedrooms etc) is in for a shock.

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  • I've been a lurker on this board for a while and just entered the parenting world two weeks ago. My LO wasn't exactly planned. DH and I got married August 2012 and planned a honeymoon for our first anniversary. We agreed to try for kids after a year of marriage and after we had some time to get more financially stable. We had decided that one of us would be a SAH parent when we finally were ready. Two months into our marriage, I was staring at a positive pregnancy test. DH was very relaxed and " go with the flow" about it while I was freaking out. I've always known I wanted children, but it was still a terrifying realization to know that "some day" was actually " today." Now that I'm holding my little girl, I couldn't imagine not having her. We have known each other for two weeks, and she is already my world. It helps that I have a wonderful husband who is also my best friend to love and support us.

    My point is, I think it will be scary even if you are 100 percent ready. But if you decide together that you want a family, in your own time, you won't regret it.
  • Our ds was a surprise. I was off bc and definitely wanted a baby, but we were going to wait a few more months before actually trying. I was hysterical when I found out because I was freaked out by the logistics. Everything has worked out and we adore ds; I not sure what we did before him. I don't think you are ever truly ready. Give yourself some time if you are on the fence, kids are forever. I do think some apprehension is normal. .. becoming a parent is scary.

    FWIW , were married 3 years when ds was born together 10 years total.
    Always bumping from phone or iPad, please excuse typos!


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  • MeesheMeeshe
    Ancient Membership 500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
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    When I was debating it, someone said to me, you can totally appreciate everything you have to give up to become a parent.  What you can't understand is everything you will get in return.  I have found that to be true.  Your own kids are totally different than other people's kids in many good ways (and some less good).  Whatever you decide will be fine.  Good luck!
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