Parenting after a Loss

So how often...

Do you get out? We go out once a week for dinner with the boys and I've gone out to lunch with a friend once since DS2 was born.

DH thinks I should go out 2 or 3 times a week and leave the boys with his mom. He golfs 3 or 4 times a week, so I'm home a lot with the boys alone. I'm not comfy leaving the boys with her, so I go out when I have other arrangements and honestly I just like spending time with them. I work during the day.
TTC January 2010
BFP #1 10-11-10 ectopic discovered 10-22-10, 10-23-10 methotrexate & emergency surgery, lost right tube BFP #2 12-1-10 Found to be tissue dropped from salingectomy or missed heterotopic pregnancy from BFP #1 BFP #3 1-30-11 DS arrived on due date 10-10-11 BFP #4 Surprise 9-3-12 EDD 5-9-13 DS2 arrived 5-5-13 BFP #5 5-14-14 Emergency D&C 6-16-14 9 weeks

Re: So how often...

  • Maybe once every two weeks by myself. I take L with me a lot. I hate feeling like I'm pawning him off on people since, like you, I work and want to spend my evenings and weekends with him.

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  • Man 2-3x a week sounds like a dream! We've only gotten out 2 or 3 times total since the girls were born. I try to leave once a week to run to Target or something but I leave the girls with DH so I'm not gone too long. I really need to work on getting out more. I don't have many friends where we live so most of my time is spent with 2 infants. Smile
  • delinodelino
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    I try to get out at least once a week so that I can learn to not freak out and prepare properly and she gets used to it. This week will be three times! When I say out, I mean to the store or to my parents. Pretty sure we have a party this weekend...which we rarely have. I go back to work in a couple if weeks, so she'll be in DC 5 long days a week. Weekends will probably be spent cuddling.
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  • I have no desire to constantly leave my kid with someone else for no real reason. I'll leave her with my mom if I have a doctor's or dentist appt or if DH and I do something together (every few weeks). I go to Target, grocery store, baby shower, etc without her and DH stays home with her, but there is no reason that I feel its necessary to repeatedly leave her with a babysitter or family member other than DH (unless its something work related if you work).

    Your husband only gets a set amount of free time outside of work to spend with his family and he is still going golfing 3-4 times a week? Wow. I would not be okay with that.

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  • I go out everyday with DS. I take him grocery shopping, over to my parents and sisters, to the splash part etc.

    With DH, we go out once every couple of weeks for supper.

    Without DS, I rarely go out unless it's for an appt. I may leave him at my mom's quickly if I am there already and realize I need something quick and don't want to bring him with.

    My in-laws take him every now and then for an afternoon because they like to spend time with him and they offer to take him. It seems whenever I need a babysitter they aren't available so this works out nicely.

    DH and I went on our first date last Sunday on our anniversary since DS was born in September. My mom has DS at the cabin with her and my dad till tomorrow.


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  • Maybe once every two-three weeks by myself. Otherwise, I take Cheeks with me when I can to run errands. I work outside the home too and so treasure the evenings at home.
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    First BFP! 9/5/11- M/C 9wk5 1st U/S, no HB.
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  • DD is with me most of the time.  I SAH and have only left her for an hour or two at a time when I had a doctor appointment, hair appointment, etc.  DH and I have had 2 date nights without her since she was born.  She has always stayed at my parents' when needed.  If my parents didn't live so close, I don't know that I would have left her at all besides maybe with DH.  DD is a pretty chill baby though and seems to like car rides and checking things out at restaurants or stores.  Her and I at least go through a drive thru for lunch or run an errand most days.  If she wasn't so even tempered, I would probably leave her with DH a bit more on weekends so I could run errands in peace.  However, we see so little of him during the week that I like to get all the errands out of the way during the week so we can spend time together on the weekend.  DH works 50-60 hours a week and does travel overnight a bit for work too so I have learned to be fairly independent with her.  
  • Aside from work, DH and I pretty much bring B with us everywhere we go! We've gone out once together without B since he was born, and that was in May for DH's birthday. Both he and I have had some "me" time without B. DH has gone out with the guys a few times, and I have mainly gone out to Target, etc, or for church meetings (I'm a deacon in my church and also serve on some committees). 

    I really don't have a huge desire to go out without my child... Although I'm sure that will change as he gets older, lol. I would LOVE to go to the movies with DH sometime soon, though....  

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  • image RachaelA:
    I Your husband only gets a set amount of free time outside of work to spend with his family and he is still going golfing 34 times a week? Wow. I would not be okay with that.


    He's big on his need to be social. It's gotten worse over the last 2 years. I prefer to be with the boys and they are pretty good on runs to Target, Meijer, and BBB. What's weird is he wants me to go out some without him and gives me a hard time for not having any friends who are available to go out to a bar or the country club. I've been past that for awhile...even before I was KU.

    His mom wanted to move in with us. Her babysitting would involve her staying the night since she has cataracts and is legally blind. She is the one who told DH he needs to remain social and connected.
    TTC January 2010
    BFP #1 10-11-10 ectopic discovered 10-22-10, 10-23-10 methotrexate & emergency surgery, lost right tube BFP #2 12-1-10 Found to be tissue dropped from salingectomy or missed heterotopic pregnancy from BFP #1 BFP #3 1-30-11 DS arrived on due date 10-10-11 BFP #4 Surprise 9-3-12 EDD 5-9-13 DS2 arrived 5-5-13 BFP #5 5-14-14 Emergency D&C 6-16-14 9 weeks
  • image theresat858:
    ETA: While I understand a need to maintain a social life, for most men that does not include 5 hour golfing sessions more than once a week. Just sayin.

    Yes 

     

    This would NEVER fly in my house. When you choose to have kids, you accept that your social life changes. Plus, you don't just do whatever the hell you want and just assume your wife will deal. You also don't listen to your mother and use that as reasoning to why you need to have a social life. Also, you don't have someone that is legally blind babysit your kids unless BOTH parents feel comfortable with it. You also don't ask your wife to let your mother move in.

    I'm on a roll today. Bottom line, your husband's behavior is not normal.

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  • I work full time so that is my out time alone without DD.  I do fit in a massage once a month and maybe a movie by myself once every two months.  I only do these when I can leave DD with DH.  He's a busy busy guy, so I sometimes force them to have alone time (not that he minds, I just want to make sure they are able to have their time too).

    We get out with DD a few times a week.  We love the dog park, and she's great when we're shopping whether it's the grocery store or the mall.

    I understand the wanting to spend time with them since you work during the day.  If you don't want to leave them with his mother, he doesn't need to force it.  Enjoy that cuddle time.  They're only babies once.

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  • I work all week so I really don't like it when people tell me that I NEED to go out or have alone time or whatever.  What I NEED is to spend as much time with my kid as possible because it makes me happy and what they NEED to do is mind their own business.  It drives me crazy.

    Anyways, DH and I go out to dinner and shopping and all that with DD.  If I have an errand that would be much easier without her I try to do it during my lunch break.  We have left her 2 times with a babysitter.  Once we went on a date for my b-day and the other time was when we went to a no kids wedding.  We had our days of going out and partying and right now our lives revolve around DD and we like it that way.  

    If you are happy with the way things are then so be it.  You are the only one that can judge your marriage.  It sounds like he wants you to go out so that he doesn't feel guilty about being gone so much.

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  • image mkc5869:

    It sounds like he wants you to go out so that he doesn't feel guilty about being gone so much.

    I was thinking this same thing.

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  • Thanks for the replies. I didn't think people with families went out that much and I guess I was right. DH was trying to insist that anyone I know who doesn't go out is weird or in the minority. I'm not sure if he feels guilty though.
    TTC January 2010
    BFP #1 10-11-10 ectopic discovered 10-22-10, 10-23-10 methotrexate & emergency surgery, lost right tube BFP #2 12-1-10 Found to be tissue dropped from salingectomy or missed heterotopic pregnancy from BFP #1 BFP #3 1-30-11 DS arrived on due date 10-10-11 BFP #4 Surprise 9-3-12 EDD 5-9-13 DS2 arrived 5-5-13 BFP #5 5-14-14 Emergency D&C 6-16-14 9 weeks
  • esdesd
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    I am rarely out without the kids. Maybe 2 to 3 times a month. I work full time and I want to be able to spend the rest if my time with them.

    There is no way my husband would be golfing that much. I wouldn't care how social he thinks he needs to be.

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  • I agree with PP; DH being gone so much by choice would bother me. My DH is a soccer coach in his "free" time, which takes up 3 evenings and one weekend day per week. I'm not thrilled when he takes extra "me" time to golf, go see a movie, etc. but he needs his down time too, ya know? He does what your DH does and always tells me to do whatever I want and just let the ILs watch DD, but I don't. Like PP, I work full time and spend enough time away from my kiddo. I want to spend as much time as possible with her whenever I can. Also, ILs watch her 2 days per week, so they're still getting their time. When she was still BF, I was even more reluctant to leave her with anyone, since pumping any more than necessary for work was just super unpleasant.

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  • vflipovflipo
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    I go out alone twice a week. No DH, no kid. It's relaxing and necessary. The nice thing about going out without DH is that I don't have to worry about someone I don't trust watching my kid. DH and I go out together maybe once or twice a month, if we're lucky.
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  • martinimommamartinimomma
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    edited July 2013

    What is this "out" you speak of?

    My work = 50+ hours per week plus commuting.  M-F, I see DS for 45 minutes in the morning and an hour to an hour and fifteen when I get home if I am lucky.  If I have to work late, have a client meeting that runs over or otherwise miss my train, I get less or no time in the evening, and that makes me sad, so I am not inclined to do it on purpose.

    Weekends we have to do the grocery and other household shopping, laundry, oversee our ongoing construction project, tidy up and attempt to do things with DS.  Throw in a few family obligations, a wedding or other event here and there, and there goes that time, too.  We never see our friends anymore, together or separately, as there is just no time.  We have been out together without DS twice for dinner in 21 months.

    I honestly can't think of when I would do anything by myself on a regular basis if I wanted to.  Two weeks ago DH and I went tile shopping on a Saturday and left DS with my parents for 3 hours.  Last weekend I went to one day of a 3-day music fesitval with DH and my folks again took DH for a chunk of the day.  That's about it.  DH is going to his annual Lollapalooza weekend with his friends at my urging, as he loves it and otherwise dedicates his time to the family (he works slightly - very slightly - fewer hours than I do and is so amazing at taking care of us). 

    I'm hoping to get away next month on a weekend day for a pregnancy massage, as I am a sore old pregnant lady and that sounds like heaven to do before the baby comes.  That's about all I can imagine at the moment.

    I could not take the golf 3x a week thing at all.  But there is no way my DH could do that anyway, so I don't think it will ever be an issue.

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