Stay at Home Moms

I can't take it anymore! Need parenting advice/books or something!

DS's whining has gotten awful. He has now started throwing fits in public, which really sucks. I've asked my mom for advice, but she apparently never had to deal with it and claims we weren't whiners. sure mom, thanks.

Any advice on books I could read or techniques on how to deal with this to help it stop or at least get better? 

Here are the main examples of his repeat behavior: He is a little dictator and any time I do anything not 100% centered on him he decides he must eat right then and screams he is hungry over and over until I have to put him in time out. I find myself snapping at him because it is just so grating. (he is not hungry, many times he has just finished a meal) He is obsessed with my mom because she gives him treats and gives him his way, so whenever he is upset he will scream that he misses gramma over and over and wont talk to anyone. Whenever he is mad about not getting his way he screams that he doesn't feel good and has a tummy ache, which usually makes people feel bad for him, because they don't know that he has 100 tummy aches per day and none are real. I think he knows this makes me look bad in public because I don't care that he has a tummy ache. 

I am having a hard time admitting it, but he is becoming kind of a little snot! DH and I have always had rules and enforced them consistently, so I don't think it's a lack of clarity on the rules. He just wants control constantly. 

Where did my sweet boy go!? HELP! 

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Re: I can't take it anymore! Need parenting advice/books or something!

  • 2-Step2-Step
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    I should also mention that he is an angel at preschool and his teachers say he never breaks the rules and is very helpful and sweet.
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  • I like the 1 2 3 Magic book, it doesn't all apply but it may be a start.
  • image 2-Step:
    I should also mention that he is an angel at preschool and his teachers say he never breaks the rules and is very helpful and sweet.

    This makes me think that he's figured out how he can manipulate you personally. For whatever reason his behavior is getting him what he wants. So the simple answer is you have to change, so that he doesn't get whatever he is he's looking for. But, expect it to get worse before it gets better. 

    He won't like the changes, so he'll probably throw even bigger fits at first because he's used to them working.  

    I liked the book "Love and Logic" for behavior issues. 

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  • image hayleydeee:

    image 2-Step:
    I should also mention that he is an angel at preschool and his teachers say he never breaks the rules and is very helpful and sweet.

    This makes me think that he's figured out how he can manipulate you personally. For whatever reason his behavior is getting him what he wants. So the simple answer is you have to change, so that he doesn't get whatever he is he's looking for. But, expect it to get worse before it gets better. 

    He won't like the changes, so he'll probably throw even bigger fits at first because he's used to them working.  

    I liked the book "Love and Logic" for behavior issues. 

    I agree with this completely including the book rec.  I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch right now.  It sounds very frustrating.

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  • 2-Step2-Step
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    image sbevmc09:
    image hayleydeee:

    image 2-Step:
    I should also mention that he is an angel at preschool and his teachers say he never breaks the rules and is very helpful and sweet.

    This makes me think that he's figured out how he can manipulate you personally. For whatever reason his behavior is getting him what he wants. So the simple answer is you have to change, so that he doesn't get whatever he is he's looking for. But, expect it to get worse before it gets better. 

    He won't like the changes, so he'll probably throw even bigger fits at first because he's used to them working.  

    I liked the book "Love and Logic" for behavior issues. 

     

    Thanks. completely including the book rec.  I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch right now.  It sounds very frustrating.

    Thanks. I agree that it must be something he is getting from me or not getting that is making him act this way which is why the book recs help, so I can try to evaluate my behavoir.

    I actually have the Love and Logic book and I started it awhile back. I've tried the "giving choices" technique often and it absolutely does not seem to work with him, which made me give up on the rest of the book. I guess I should keep going though.

    I tried so hard with the choices, but it seems like he just wants to push me either way. For instance if I give him a choice between two or three things then he immediately decides he doesn't want either. Even if he originally did want one of those choices, now he's mad he didn't come up with it, so he wants something totally different that I know he won't even like. If I am the one that came up with the choices then they are unacceptable to him. Maybe I need to keep reading.

    I thought four was supposed to be better, but so far it's heading toward worse! 

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  • image stacymills99:
    I like the 1 2 3 Magic book, it doesn't all apply but it may be a start.
    This. 1,2,3 magic is amazing.

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  • Just want to throw this out there... are you one hundred percent sure that his stomach isn't actually hurting him? I would be cautious about just ignoring it.

    I got stuck on that part of your post because the boy I nanny for complained of stomach aches nonstop as soon as he could talk, and it was written off to the point that he came to think it was normal and stopped complaining. This past year, at 7, he was diagnosed with lactose intolerance, wheat/ gluten allergies, and several other digestive issues. It's horrible to think of him really being in pain all that time. Just make sure it's not a legitimate complaint!
    imageimage
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  • Kids save their best for their parents. We are their safe place. It is okay for him to fall apart with you. If he is behaving at school you are doing fine hang in there.
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  • image kikalynne:
    Just want to throw this out there... are you one hundred percent sure that his stomach isn't actually hurting him? I would be cautious about just ignoring it. I got stuck on that part of your post because the boy I nanny for complained of stomach aches nonstop as soon as he could talk, and it was written off to the point that he came to think it was normal and stopped complaining. This past year, at 7, he was diagnosed with lactose intolerance, wheat/ gluten allergies, and several other digestive issues. It's horrible to think of him really being in pain all that time. Just make sure it's not a legitimate complaint!

    Yeah, especially if he is doing it right after meals, like you said.


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  • I agree with the pps on the book advice and advice in general.

    He may also have an actual stomach problem...wouldn't hurt to check. Kids can be downright awful when they can't express something is bothering him.

    Have you tried just not giving choices. I know it seems to go against all the advice and the "should dos" but some kids just don't do well with choices. My nephew is one of them at 4. It's just overwhelming and confusing to him yet, which caused him to act out much like you describe. My SIL finally learned to tell him how it was going to be, what's going to happen in detail etc. and then she ignored the whining with a simple, "You've been told. This is what we're doing. You know it." It got a lot better after that. She now reserves choices for stuff that doesn't matter as in, "What color bath towel would you like?" "What shoes do you want?"

  • image 2-Step:
    image sbevmc09:
    image hayleydeee:

    image 2-Step:
    I should also mention that he is an angel at preschool and his teachers say he never breaks the rules and is very helpful and sweet.

    This makes me think that he's figured out how he can manipulate you personally. For whatever reason his behavior is getting him what he wants. So the simple answer is you have to change, so that he doesn't get whatever he is he's looking for. But, expect it to get worse before it gets better. 

    He won't like the changes, so he'll probably throw even bigger fits at first because he's used to them working.  

    I liked the book "Love and Logic" for behavior issues. 

     

    Thanks. completely including the book rec.  I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch right now.  It sounds very frustrating.

    Thanks. I agree that it must be something he is getting from me or not getting that is making him act this way which is why the book recs help, so I can try to evaluate my behavoir.

    I actually have the Love and Logic book and I started it awhile back. I've tried the "giving choices" technique often and it absolutely does not seem to work with him, which made me give up on the rest of the book. I guess I should keep going though.

    I tried so hard with the choices, but it seems like he just wants to push me either way. For instance if I give him a choice between two or three things then he immediately decides he doesn't want either. Even if he originally did want one of those choices, now he's mad he didn't come up with it, so he wants something totally different that I know he won't even like. If I am the one that came up with the choices then they are unacceptable to him. Maybe I need to keep reading.

    I thought four was supposed to be better, but so far it's heading toward worse! 

    No advice, but your DS sounds a lot like mine.  I have tried the Love and Logic, but like yours, if he gets two choices, he chooses a third.  1 2 3 Magic has not been effective because he waits until I am about to get to 3 before changing behavior, but sometimes he decides the consequence is worth the fight.  I read a good book called Positive Discipline which helps explain each behavior, but it didn't really help me solve the behavior.  Sometimes I just really don't care about why he is acting out, I just need him to get with the program.  It was an interesting read, though. 

    It is nice to know that your mom was also a perfect parent who raised perfect children who did not dream to challenge authority.  My mom told me the other day that it is hard to watch her children raise children when she knows there is a much better way.  Did I mention, her way includes spanking, shaming, degrading, and washing mouths out with soap? 


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  • 2-Step2-Step
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    image kikalynne:
    Just want to throw this out there... are you one hundred percent sure that his stomach isn't actually hurting him? I would be cautious about just ignoring it. I got stuck on that part of your post because the boy I nanny for complained of stomach aches nonstop as soon as he could talk, and it was written off to the point that he came to think it was normal and stopped complaining. This past year, at 7, he was diagnosed with lactose intolerance, wheat/ gluten allergies, and several other digestive issues. It's horrible to think of him really being in pain all that time. Just make sure it's not a legitimate complaint!

    I've wondered about this before, because his brother is lactose intolerant, but I've tested it by giving him his way when he is complaining about his stomach hurting and then POOF his stomach ache is gone every time the second I give in. I will still mention it to his dr though, because it is worth checking out at his appt. coming up.  

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  • I like 1 2  3 magic too. I heard the author speak a few months ago and it has helped us a ton. He was very realistic about how difficult these early years are for some parents.  

    My kid sounds very similar to yours...unhelpful mother an all.  Although I read love and logic, I didn't think the techniques were all of the helpful for my strong headed little boy. I like the principles about how to speak to kids in general though...worth the read.  Ive heard that this is a stage lots of boys go through so crossing my fingers  it will pass.  DS 1 is getting better but it's been a lot of work with consistency of time outs.  Also, not all kids stay in time out...DS 1 went through a stage where he wouldnt stay in time out.  It was exhausting putting him back in constantly but he realized I was dead serious and now is super effective for us.  good luck!!

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  • image 2-Step:
    image sbevmc09:
    image hayleydeee:

    image 2-Step:
    I should also mention that he is an angel at preschool and his teachers say he never breaks the rules and is very helpful and sweet.

    This makes me think that he's figured out how he can manipulate you personally. For whatever reason his behavior is getting him what he wants. So the simple answer is you have to change, so that he doesn't get whatever he is he's looking for. But, expect it to get worse before it gets better. 

    He won't like the changes, so he'll probably throw even bigger fits at first because he's used to them working.  

    I liked the book "Love and Logic" for behavior issues. 

     

    Thanks. completely including the book rec.  I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch right now.  It sounds very frustrating.

    Thanks. I agree that it must be something he is getting from me or not getting that is making him act this way which is why the book recs help, so I can try to evaluate my behavoir.

    I actually have the Love and Logic book and I started it awhile back. I've tried the "giving choices" technique often and it absolutely does not seem to work with him, which made me give up on the rest of the book. I guess I should keep going though.

    I tried so hard with the choices, but it seems like he just wants to push me either way. For instance if I give him a choice between two or three things then he immediately decides he doesn't want either. Even if he originally did want one of those choices, now he's mad he didn't come up with it, so he wants something totally different that I know he won't even like. If I am the one that came up with the choices then they are unacceptable to him. Maybe I need to keep reading.

    I thought four was supposed to be better, but so far it's heading toward worse! 

    Did you get to the part in "Love & Logic" about not showing your frustration & the thinking chair or whatever it is called ( you name it, for someone it was Disneyland) for the child to go pull the self together.  I think that was in the parent in-service nights we did for parents from L & L if I remember correctly. A lot of parents said it worked for their strong willed kids. 

    Even from teaching I learned some kids just feed off getting you all wound up. It took a lot of practice to be able to not show my frustration because I'm a very emotional person.

     

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  • Kids are generally worse for their parents because they know you will love them no matter what they pull. Consistency and positive reinforcement are the key. I would start out with immediate reward for good behavior like asking politely for something or not interrupting a conversation. Sticker charts or stamps are magical.

    As far as correcting bad behavior goes, I love the super nanny method. Kids get 1 warning unless it's dangerous behavior. If they do not comply they get put into time out for 1 minute for their age. You must remain calm. Once they see that they can get under your skin, they will continue to do it for the attention.
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  • image hayleydeee:

    image 2-Step:
    I should also mention that he is an angel at preschool and his teachers say he never breaks the rules and is very helpful and sweet.

    This makes me think that he's figured out how he can manipulate you personally. For whatever reason his behavior is getting him what he wants. So the simple answer is you have to change, so that he doesn't get whatever he is he's looking for. But, expect it to get worse before it gets better. 

    He won't like the changes, so he'll probably throw even bigger fits at first because he's used to them working.  

    I liked the book "Love and Logic" for behavior issues. 

    Agreed I love the "Love and Logic" approach! 

    image




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