July 2012 Moms

bday party drama....WWj12D?

I think i've mentioned here before what a hassle my ILs are. 

Refusing to acknowledge that I exist (those are their words) after evie was born.

Storming out of our wedding because H told his daughter to stop with the attitude (his mother doesn't believe anyone should reprimand my SD)

Leaving our wedding without ever once speaking to my parents (who paid for their flights into town, their entire hotel stay for 3 nights at a GREAT hotel, and got them a limo to get them around to everything the whole weekend) 

Showing up at one of SDs cheering competitions and trying to come over and take Evie from me (she was 2 months old), when H told her he didn't even want her there, let alone around our daughter.

Anyway... now H and his parents are slowly trying to work things out. SLOWLY. I have not gotten involved yet, I'd like to see that they can have a decent relationship with out "set backs" before I put myself into this. They have met Evie and spent a little tie with her (about 3 hours on 3 occasions). But I'm not ready to try to make things right until I'm sure they're around for awhile. I've seen too many things change too quickly between MIL and H to worry about how my relationship is with her right now.

So, the issue is that Evie's party is Aug 10th. It's at my parents house for a million different reasons. They have a bigger, nicer house. We live a lot further from our entire family than my parents. I have 2 dogs we don'tlike crowds around. Oh, and I'll have anywhere from a 3 week old baby to a 3 day old baby.

H would like to invite his mother to as a gesture of good faith. I am not ok with this really. If he's ready for me to sort of have a relationship with them, then I'm ready to try to make things better. But I'm not sure that this is the venue to be trying to mend fences. It's at my parents hosue, and they'd be fine with them going, but I think it's asking a lot considering how rude ILs were to my parents. I also haven't seen them in almost 2 years and they've said HORRIBLE things to me since then, and horrible things about me to my SD (baby mama put a stop to that ASAP). Oh, and I'll be pp crazy and don't want to worry about anything else at Evie's party. 

H is not mad, or pushing this. It's just something he's brought up. He said he understands if I'm not ready or if this isn't the time to do it. But I don't want to make the wrong choice.

WWJ12D?! 

(sorry this is so long) 

3 under 3... June 2015!


 BFP 11-19-11, EDD 07-30-12, E was born 08-08-2012
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BFP 11-13-12, EDD 07-25-13, C was born 07-26-2013
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Re: bday party drama....WWj12D?

  • Honestly I'd try to avoid it as well, just so that there isn't any drama at the party. I can see your H wanting the two of you to hang out at some point, but IMO, the party isn't a good place for the first time.

    I'm sorry things are so awful with your IL's. The whole situation just sounds crappy Peg. GL no matter what happens!

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  • hijoihijoi
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    If the party was at your house, I wouldn't hesitate to invite them. A grandkid's birthday seems like a good, neutral place to start mending. But, since it's at your parents house, I guess ask your parents how they would feel with the ILs there and decide from there. Good luck with deciding.
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  • As someone who has your husband's parents, I wouldn't invite them.  If you are okay with it, maybe suggest that he take Evie to lunch to celebrate her birthday with them.

    I know how my mom is--the same as your husband's, and probably ten times crazier.  I wouldn't want the drama or the heightened emotions and anxieties that seeing her for the first time would bring.  I don't think it's the time or place.  On this board, people will probably tell you that she's Evie's grandmother and it's not fair to keep them apart, but it's not fair to subject her to the back and forth and instability if it doesn't work out.  Plus you will have a new baby and I just really think it won't be the right time.  Good luck with everything!

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  • No way!  You can have a little birthday celebration with them privately.  Don't let her ruin your family's party.
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  • Well they sound like lovely people....insert eye roll here. However, many people consider a first birthday a huge deal. And by not inviting her you may make things much worse to the point that there would be no hope of mending the relationship. As much as it would pain me to do so, I would invite her in hopes of mending the relationship. HOWEVER if that bish tried to pull any crap at the party I wouldn't hesitate to throw her butt to the curb. 
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  • I personally wouldn't invite them.  Like Wheeler mentioned you don't want to have to deal with the drama at the party and while it is great if they really do want to work on things Evie's party is not the time or place.  Plus Caz will be minutes old and you will have enough to worry about.

     

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  • I wouldn't do anything else to add stress to the day. Evie and Caz should be all you're worrying about that day. I'd express your concerns to your husband and then let him decide if he wants to set up some kind of separate time they can see Evie for her bday.

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  • JennMMJennMM
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    I wouldn't invite them. I wouldn't want to take the chance that some sort of drama breaks out at your daughter's party and at your parents' house. I would do something separate maybe like PP suggested.

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  • Nope. Not the time or place. We had the same issue with sil . We don't have a relationship with the IL. She instead saw him a week later. This party is more for you than anyone, Evie won't remember it. If she can nicely say '' I undertsnd'' you know things are changing and maybe do dinner a week after.
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  • I don't think that's the venue to do that.

    If they want to celebrate Evie's birthday I would do something separate from the party since they aren't afraid to cause a scene judging by the wedding incidents. This way it would be be less stress (for everybody since they were rude to your parents), and you could enjoy the party.  If something does go down its not at your daughter's birthday party, which would suck for you guys and make it awkward for the other guests.

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  • Thanks everyone. I think I just needed to know I wasn't being a total B about it. 

    On another note, they live 6 hours away and don't get why they can't just jump into our lives. So a small thing might be better, but harder to coordinate.. but not my problem. that's on H and ILs as of now. Thanks!  

    3 under 3... June 2015!


     BFP 11-19-11, EDD 07-30-12, E was born 08-08-2012
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    BFP 11-13-12, EDD 07-25-13, C was born 07-26-2013
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  • I agree with PPs that the birthday party is probably not the best venue, especially since it seems that your MIL can't behave at public events anyway.  It's great that she and your H are trying to work on a relationship but I don't think its fair to you for your first experience with her to be at your daughters birthday party.  Maybe suggest that they come to your house at some point after the party to wish Evie a happy birthday and to meet Caz?  Or you could do lunch at a neutral location?
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  • Your situation sounds a lot like mine.  My MIL just can't be nice to me. ever.  We invited the inlaws to dinner on T's birthday, but I think they are embarrassed to be around my parents.  (So I think your inlaws might not want to go to a party at your parents). 

    We made other arrangements to "celebrate" with them and they also didn't want to do that.  They said they would try to meet up another time.  I'm not holding my breath.

    In the end, I wouldn't invite them.  See if you can make plans for another day to meet and then the ball is in their court. They obviously have no respect for you, so if they say something rude you can just put it on the list.  

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  • I wouldn't invite them to your parents' house. Could you do a separate meeting at a neutral location to celebrate her birthday? Maybe an ice cream shop? Or restaurant if you're feeling ambitious?
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