December 2012 Moms

What am I doing wrong?????

Oh my god. I cannot stand bed time. I have come to hate and dread putting my baby to bed. My husband has a MUCH easier time than me and that alone pisses me off. Even naps take me 2530 mins to get her asleep. It takes him 2. He's not always here though.

She's currently crying in her crib because I HAD to walk away for a min. Yes, I had to walk away and I chose to come here and vent and ask for help.

It's been 1 hour now I've been trying to get her asleep. She's fed, dry, and tired. Rubbing her eyes, yawning, eyes start to roll back in her head and then HELLO!!!! IM AWAKE!

I don't know what to do anymore. I try stupid "sleep routines" and nothing ever works. It's always a screaming battle that makes me want to pull my hair out.
Someone help.

Ok..I hate hearing her cry even for 3 mins so I'm going back in...I'll one back in 6 hours when she's finally asleep. yes I'm being a smart a
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Re: What am I doing wrong?????

  • image carlydrozd:
    what does your husband do when he puts her to bed? i'm assuming you tried doing what he does?


    We do the same thing. Every time. I've tried varying it but that doesn't work either. I have tried leaving her for like 5 mins. Max 10 maybe 15 to see if she just needs to release come energy but that usually backfires.

    She will nurse to sleep sometimes but I try not to do that bc then she comes to expect it. And when I lay her down she wakes up.

    She's fussing in there now. Fussing ill let her do. Crying I can't for long.
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  • Are you a bf mom? I can't remember. Sometimes my girl wont go to sleep because she thinks she needs to eat when I try to put her down. I know she doesnt need to because she had just eaten. So then my H goes in and she will go down after a bit of rocking. Super frustrating.

     That is basically all I have to contribute. Just a reason why dd goes down better for my H than me.

     Good luck! I know how you feel.  

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  • image schumakr:
    Are you a bf mom? I can't remember. Sometimes my girl wont go to sleep because she thinks she needs to eat when I try to put her down. I know she doesnt need to because she had just eaten. So then my H goes in and she will go down after a bit of rocking. Super frustrating.nbsp;That is basically all I have to contribute. Just a reason why dd goes down better for my H than me.nbsp;Good luck! I know how you feel.nbsp;nbsp;


    Yeah we bf. most of what I read says to have anyone else put her to bed but short of asking a neighbor to come do it every night she's stuck with me most the time.
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  • My suggestion: nurse her to sleep. If it works, then don't try to fix it. She's only a baby once and when she is older and you get into a routine and catch up on sleep then you can switch the nursing routine. I nurse Mili a little bit then when she does one of her unlatchimg moves I pop the pacifier in her mouth and she falls right to sleep.
    I feel like you have to do what is best to allow your family sleep, comfort and peace of mind.

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  • Do you have a sling or a carry harness?  Maybe if you put her in it and lay back with her in it she won't assume you're feeding her and she'll go to sleep instead?
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  • IMO nurse her to sleep. I do not understand the big evil of doing it and why we are all trying so hard not to. If she will go down for DH without nursing call it success that she can. do without nursing if she needs to. And you should feel like you're both doing a good job and set yourself free to nurse her.

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  • image jsoubel:
    IMO nurse her to sleep. I do not understand the big evil of doing it and why we are all trying so hard not to. If she will go down for DH without nursing call it success that she can. do without nursing if she needs to. And you should feel like you're both doing a good job and set yourself free to nurse her.

    This is so encouraging for me. I have felt guilty that I rock my baby to sleep, but it's what feels right to me. Thank you for reminding me that even if my girl can't put herself to sleep, we're all doing ok!

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  • image carlydrozd:

    image perfectlove09:
    image carlydrozd:
    what does your husband do when he puts her to bed? i'm assuming you tried doing what he does?


    We do the same thing. Every time. I've true varying it but that doesn't work either. I have tried leaving her for like 5 mins. Max 10 maybe 15 to see if she just needs to release come energy but that usually backfires.

     

    It could be your anxiety that she is picking up?  If your husband hasn't had problems then he's probably confident come bedtime and she senses his calm, but since you are dreading bedtime your anxiety probably increases and she can sense that stress which makes her stressed.  I noticed this with DS when my mom stayed with us for a week when he was a month old. I was having such a hard time at naptimes that I was stressing when I had to put him down and he would cry, but my mom would rest him on her shoulder and he'd be asleep in minutes.  As soon as I changed my thinking and accepted fact that it would take a long time for him to fall asleep instead of dreading rocking him for an hour he started falling asleep quicker.  I don't do sleep training, but that could be something to look into.  Now that DS is older he doesn't always fall asleep before we put him in the crib, so if he's still awake after reading a story and  a bottle we give him a kiss, put him in the crib and walk out.  I find it makes him upset if we linger in the room and he can see us. Also if I DO have to go in I try to gently stroke his back before picking him up, sometimes he will settle down with that.  I also started putting a receiving blanket or burp cloth in with him because he likes to play with them which keeps him occupied until he falls asleep. Hope any of that helps... GL!



    I feel like I've done a good job of keeping my anxiety down around her. I start every night off as if its going to be fine. I don't eer assume that it's going to be bad...I try to stay calm and relaxed and its not until much later that I'm having to walk away.

    I do want to try a blanket something for we to snuggle but she's still in the sleep suit and I don't trust that she has enough range of motion to get out from under something if it ends on her face.
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  • image velazquezk1:
    My suggestion: nurse her to sleep. If it works, then don't try to fix it. She's only a baby once and when she is older and you get into a routine and catch up on sleep then you can switch the nursing routine. I nurse Mili a little bit then when she does one of her unlatchimg moves I pop the pacifier in her mouth and she falls right to sleep.
    I feel like you have to do what is best to allow your family sleep, comfort and peace of mind.


    It's funny that you say that about the paci. When I do end up nursing her to sleep I have to pop the paci in her mouth fast if she unmatches. When she doesn't unlatch I have to quickly unlatch her and put the paci in.

    The only reason I don't nurse her to sleep every night is bc she seems to have some good nights where I don't have to and I feel like I'm taking steps backwards when I do.
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  • image prncebride:
    Do you have a sling or a carry harness? nbsp;Maybe if you put her in it and lay back with her in it she won't assume you're feeding her and she'll go to sleep instead?


    I have a bjorn and another carrier like that but not one that would work. Thank you though for the suggestion
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  • image MrsBigTime:
    image jsoubel:
    IMO nurse her to sleep. I do not understand the big evil of doing it and why we are all trying so hard not to. If she will go down for DH without nursing call it success that she can. do without nursing if she needs to. And you should feel like you're both doing a good job and set yourself free to nurse her.

    This is so encouraging for me. I have felt guilty that I rock my baby to sleep, but it's what feels right to me. Thank you for reminding me that even if my girl can't put herself to sleep, we're all doing ok!


    I feel like I'm taking steps backward if I let her nurse to sleep. And sometimes it doesn't work or she wakes up right when I lay her down. If I could nurse her to sleep, lay her down, and not worry about her waking back up then I'd do it every night but that's not always the case. I do like hearing though from people that say its ok. I did it all the time before my husband said it was preventing her from ever falling asleep alone :[
    It seems like what ever I do it's wrong.
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  • image perfectlove09:
    image MrsBigTime:
    image jsoubel:
    IMO nurse her to sleep. I do not understand the big evil of doing it and why we are all trying so hard not to. If she will go down for DH without nursing call it success that she can. do without nursing if she needs to. And you should feel like you're both doing a good job and set yourself free to nurse her.
    This is so encouraging for me. I have felt guilty that I rock my baby to sleep, but it's what feels right to me. Thank you for reminding me that even if my girl can't put herself to sleep, we're all doing ok!
    I feel like I'm taking steps backward if I let her nurse to sleep. And sometimes it doesn't work or she wakes up right when I lay her down. If I could nurse her to sleep, lay her down, and not worry about her waking back up then I'd do it every night but that's not always the case. I do like hearing though from people that say its ok. I did it all the time before my husband said it was preventing her from ever falling asleep alone :[ It seems like what ever I do it's wrong.

    You're not doing anything wrong.  My Lo unless it's her last bottle for the night fights me tooth and nail to go to sleep.  Most of the time i either need to bring her into bed with me or hold her until she's too exhausted to fight anymore.

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  • I hope I'm not repeating anyone, but here are my suggestions:

    1.  Our pedi suggested laying DS down and staying in the room but moving further away each night until eventually you are out of the room.  She can still see you and know you're there.  

    2. Does she nap in her crib? When we transitioned DS to the crib, we had to first put the PNP in his room, then put the mattress in his crib on top of his crib mattress, and finally he would sleep in the crib without the PNP mattress.  If she naps in a swing or something else maybe you try starting there at night and transition.  

    3.  I noticed you said you've tried bedtime routines, but maybe you and DH need to decide on one routine and do it together (if possible).  

    I used to have to hold DS for about an hour after he fell asleep before I could put him down or he'd wake up and we'd have to start all over again.  I got so much crap from my mom and in-laws, but it worked for us until we decided to sleep train. In any case, I agree with others.  Do what you have to and what makes your family and baby happy.  Don't feel like something should be or shouldn't based on anyone's opinion but your own.  GOOD LUCK! 

  • Am still nursing LO to sleep ... it is ok for you and DH to have different methods.
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  • image perfectlove09:
    image MrsBigTime:
    image jsoubel:
    IMO nurse her to sleep. I do not understand the big evil of doing it and why we are all trying so hard not to. If she will go down for DH without nursing call it success that she can. do without nursing if she needs to. And you should feel like you're both doing a good job and set yourself free to nurse her.
    This is so encouraging for me. I have felt guilty that I rock my baby to sleep, but it's what feels right to me. Thank you for reminding me that even if my girl can't put herself to sleep, we're all doing ok!
    I feel like I'm taking steps backward if I let her nurse to sleep. And sometimes it doesn't work or she wakes up right when I lay her down. If I could nurse her to sleep, lay her down, and not worry about her waking back up then I'd do it every night but that's not always the case. I do like hearing though from people that say its ok. I did it all the time before my husband said it was preventing her from ever falling asleep alone :[ It seems like what ever I do it's wrong.

    Re. nursing to sleep... it doesn't work well for all babies. My LO was only taking 40 minute naps, and he wasn't getting the rest he needed. He couldn't fall asleep at all without nursing, and he woke up after his first sleep cycle because the breast was gone. He went from the most angelic baby all the time to a baby who had a melt down every night. Once we figured out how to get him to sleep for more than one cycle, he went back to angel babe. Most of the time, at least.  

    I don't know if this will help you, OP, but here's what we did. I started nursing him first thing when he woke up. Then, when he was tired and needed a nap, I put him in his crib and tried anything and everything I could to get him to fall asleep on his own, as long as it wasn't a negative nursing association.  I'd shoosh him and rub/pat his side, hold his hands and move his arms back and forth rhythmically (though if he started drifting off I did something else soothing - I didn't want him associating holding my hands with sleeping), stroked his head/cheek, etc. I tried to stick with one thing for a while - I figured it would be more stimulating than relaxing if I switched too often. That last bit was just my gut feeling, I never read it anywhere or anything. If he was escalating his crying, I generally tried doing something new. If he got really upset and was crying REALLY hard, I did pick up / put down, but only for a minute or two.

    I just kept soothing until he eventually fell asleep. I never left him alone, as I'm personally not comfortable with CIO. To each his own - I'm totally not judging others who do CIO! I made sure I was home and he was in his crib for all of his sleep for 1.5 weeks. (I barely left the house... a fun couple of weeks!) It was really hard, and I had multiple sessions where it took the kid 1 or 1.5 hours of soothing to fall asleep, but he did fall asleep, and by the end of the 1.5 weeks he was able to sleep with less than 15 minutes of soothing. Now, I'm able to put him down, sing him a lullaby, give him a kiss and walk away. I don't have to nurse him, hold him, rock him, sooth him, etc. He just falls asleep on his own. Once he falls asleep, he's generally asleep for 1:15 to 2 hours. It's HEAVENLY! 

    This is more or less what is suggested in the Baby Whisperer Solves all Your Problems. She probably goes into more detail and gives important info I'm not mentioning. If you do something similar to this, I'll warn you that there's often a regression after some initial improvement. It's tempting to try something new then, but that's actually when you need to double down (in my experience, which is far from extensive!).  

    Good luck!!!

  • If nursing to sleep works, do it. I nurse DD to sleep, did with DS until he weaned at 14 months or so. Yes there are nights I get so frustrated and annoyed, then there are nights that I cherish. Before I know it she will be going into first grade like DS and I would do anything for one more moment of her as a baby.


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  • I can't help but wonder if it is time to stop using the sleep suit. My LO (7 mths today) has gotten to be very physical and just wants to move, even in his sleep. He moves all over the crib during the night (I joke that he needs a king size crib) but he's asleep pretty much the whole time. At this age babies are really learning to move and use their bodies, and maybe she's got too much pent up.

    We didn't use a sleep suit but did swaddle. The transistion is tough but for us it was worth it. 

     I'm no expert and don't know if this is good advice, but the first thing I thought when I read that you are still using a  sleep suit was "Silas would hate that now."

     Good luck! 

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  • JJ_13JJ_13
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    First of all, you're not doing anything "wrong." Having a baby who has difficulty sleeping is H-A-R-D. Really, really, really hard. I've been there. I am still there, although things are much, much better.

    I'm sure you've heard this (if you're like me, you have read every sleep site on the internet), but consistency is key.

    After a lot of reading, I decided to follow the methods in Kim West's Good Night Sleep Tight book. Prior to implementing this, I was having to rock or nurse LO down for every nap or night sleep and lay her down ever ever ever so gently praying that she wouldn't wake up. Her naps were 40 minutes long and she was getting up an insane number of times in the night.

    Anyway, I read the book, highlighted, discussed points of confusion with DH and developed our plan. This took a couple of weeks. Then, we started on Tuesday night of July 4th week and took Weds and Friday off (Thurs was the 4th) so we could have several days to focus on this. We made no plans and literally our sole project for those days was to work on sleep.

    Is it perfect now? No, but it is a gazillion times better. Right now, at least, the only challenges we have are that her afternoon nap is still kinda short (usually 50 minutes) and she usually has one wake up at night where she resists being put down (cries a lot) and one of us has to pick her up quite a bit to calm her down. But otherwise, she goes down drowsy but awake and sleeps for long stretches. It's amazing. I am enjoying time with her so much more and no longer dread naps and nighttime. I know there will be regressions in the future, but I feel equipped to manage them and I will be able to remind myself - from experience - that it won't last forever. A month ago, I was in sleep hell and now I feel really good about it. That's amazing.

     I would get rid of the sleep suit and transition to a sleep sack. My LO is 7 months 1 week and moves ALL OVER. This morning she was facing literally 180 degrees from the way I had last put her down. Oh, and she only woke up once last night (it took a while for her to settle after nursing and I don't leave her to CIO, so I ended up being up for almost an hour, but still, only ONCE!).

    Other tips which you probably already do: strong, consistent bedtime routine + loud rumbly, low white noise (we use the "brown noise" option on the Simply Noise app).

    Oh, and there's nothing wrong with nursing to sleep as long as it's working for you. It just doesn't sound like it's working for you and you might want to take other steps. Good luck.

    ETA: We also introduced a lovey (one of those animals with the small blanket attached) about two weeks prior to implementing sleep training. She loves her lovey now. We also use a pacifier when we put her down and have several of them around the crib so she can get to them if she wakes and wants it.

  • image prncebride:

    image perfectlove09:
    image MrsBigTime:
    image jsoubel:
    IMO nurse her to sleep. I do not understand the big evil of doing it and why we are all trying so hard not to. If she will go down for DH without nursing call it success that she can. do without nursing if she needs to. And you should feel like you're both doing a good job and set yourself free to nurse her.
    This is so encouraging for me. I have felt guilty that I rock my baby to sleep, but it's what feels right to me. Thank you for reminding me that even if my girl can't put herself to sleep, we're all doing ok!
    I feel like I'm taking steps backward if I let her nurse to sleep. And sometimes it doesn't work or she wakes up right when I lay her down. If I could nurse her to sleep, lay her down, and not worry about her waking back up then I'd do it every night but that's not always the case. I do like hearing though from people that say its ok. I did it all the time before my husband said it was preventing her from ever falling asleep alone :[ It seems like what ever I do it's wrong.

    You're not doing anything wrong.  My Lo unless it's her last bottle for the night fights me tooth and nail to go to sleep.  Most of the time i either need to bring her into bed with me or hold her until she's too exhausted to fight anymore.

    Honestly, perfectlove09, I think you're at a point where you need to do whatever works for you.  If that's nursing to sleep, then nurse to sleep.  No worries that you will not be nursing your college age kiddo to sleep.  She needs good sleep, YOU need good sleep, and even if you're trying to keep your own anxieties in check, I am quite certain that your LO is picking up on things, especially because you're BFing.

    I agree with others that you and DH can have different routines; they may even be opposing bedtime routines.  I firmly believe that each kiddo learns to respond to each parent/caregiver in his/her own way.  My LO has a different going-to-bed/nap routine for me, for my DH, and for our DCP.  He eats differently for me than for DH.  He plays differently with DH than me.  

    Girl, give yourself grace and do whatever works. 

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  • You're not doing anything wrong.  Hugs.

    I still nurse my youngest to sleep, but my husband can get him down when I'm not home too.  I still sometimes nurse my 23 month old to sleep.  And always for his naps (when I'm home for nap, just 2-3 days a week).  Meh.

    I understand your reluctance to "move backwards," but there is much to be said for embracing things that make our lives as mamas simpler.

    My oldest has never slept in a crib.  He flat wouldn't have it.  He moved from our bed to a dense futon mattress on the floor to a floor bed (real mattress).  You have to do what works for you and your family and there is no right or wrong!!

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