Working Moms

NWMR: Daddy Issues

My father just left after a visit and I'm just so....angry. 

He's never really been a Cliff Huxtable type of dad. He lived very far away for a big chunk of my childhood (and he told me it was partially my fault), then he moved closer, only to marry and start another family that he only partially abandoned (he and my stepmom have been married for 20+ years, but have despised each other for over a decade).

If it wasn't for my DS, I don't think we would really have any kind of relationship. In fact, he didn't even know I was pregnant until my aunt invited him to the baby shower (he didn't come anyway). He's been alright as a grandfather, bringing big gifts, picking up DS for the day (sometimes dropping him off with my sister and brother while he goes off to gamble). But he's still been a piss-poor father, one notable example: he walked out of my mother's funeral because he swore up and down that an analogy the preacher made was about him. He is also a consummate, unabashed womanizer. He has numerous girlfriends and is constantly pulling my DH aside to regale him with stories of his latest "adult party". DH grins and bears it. 

He had a serious heart attack last winter (oh the display my stepmom put on!) and I thought that was going to slow him down. It didn't. Within a week, he was back to cigarillos, cognac and running off to St. Louis to do God-knows-what. In fact, he told me at my brother's graduation last month that he won't live to see DS graduate from high school; "at this point, [he's] just trying to leave a good looking corpse".

Today was more of the same. He stopped over to visit DS and DH after heading to Ohio for more escapades. I just kinda sat in the living room, waiting for him to talk to me. When he did come and ask me about what I was watching (Sister Wives), he declared that the best way to handle 4 wives was to line the all up and smack the crap out of all of them. REALLY?! You have two daughters! We got very little time to talk....on the way to the ATM to get him the money I owe him. The conversation was "how can you live around all these [Mexicans]?" and something about his new girlfriend. 

Poor DH. He's getting the brunt of all my daddy rage right now. I should just get over it and let it roll off my back.  

Re: NWMR: Daddy Issues

  • I'm sorry that your dad hasn't been there for you in the past.

    I'm not trying to be snarky, but since he's like that, why are you allowing him to remain involved in your life?  Why are you allowing him around your son when he says things about women like that?  Why are you borrowing money from him? 

    I know it's complicated because it's family, but, honestly, nothing in the post makes me think you have much fondness for this man other than blood.

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    Lilypie - (vjFY)image

  • image bearsbearsbears:
    I'm sorry that your dad hasn't been there for you in the past.I'm not trying to be snarky, but since he's like that, why are you allowing him to remain involved in your life?nbsp; Why are you allowing him around your son when he says things about women like that?nbsp; Why are you borrowing money from him?nbsp; I know it's complicated because it's family, but, honestly, nothing in the post makes me think you have much fondness for this man other than blood.


    I'm thinking the same, particularly why you would be letting your DS hang around with that kind of influence alone. I understand that the situation is complicated, but it doesn't sound like he's a reliable person to leave your DS with.
  • ReeB83ReeB83
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
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    image Ya Never Know:
    I'm thinking the same, particularly why you would be letting your DS hang around with that kind of influence alone. I understand that the situation is complicated, but it doesn't sound like he's a reliable person to leave your DS with.

    I struggled with this for a while, which is part of the reason why he didn't know I was even pregnant until I was ready to pop.

    Truth is, there aren't many grandparents left. FIL passed away almost ten years ago and DS was only 4 months old when my mother passed.  

    I keep thinking it will just wash over DS. Apparently, my grandfather was a similar kind of cad that my mother wanted very little to do with but I just knew him as my funny grandpa that told crazy stories and smelled funny. 

  • I have nothing to do with my biological father. It's a long story but the short of it was he left when I was little and my stepdad stepped up and was my dad so when I got married my stepdad deserved to walk me down the isle not my biological father and he got mad about that and disowned me. So that whole side of the family has no idea that I was pregnant and had a baby and that's ok because I don't want my daughter to have anything to do with people so petty. She has my mom and stepdads family and DH family. Sorry you have to go through that :(

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  • I'mn kind of "jaw on the ground" that you're letting this man spend time w/ your son, much less time ALONE with your son.  And you think all the $hit he says is just going to "wash over" your son?

    Being "a" grandparent by genetics doesn't make a person a GOOD grandparent.  So what that your son doesn't have any more living grandparents?  His one living grandparent is a misogynistic, cheating, drinking a$$hole.  That's really a person you think should spend ALONE timew/ your DS?

    Put aside your Normal Rockwell concepts of what makes a happy family and do what is RIGHT for yourself, your son and your DH.  Your son shouldn't be exposed to your father, and your DH sure as heck shouldn't be taking the brundt of your anger. 

    This is a man who told you, his CHILD, that it's partially your fault that he wasn't there for your childhood.  COME ON.  He's not a good man. 

    The ONLY time I'd let him spend w/ my child is supervised time, and with that, if ANYTHING inappropriate ws said in front of my child, that would be the end of supervised visits.

    And seriously- get yourself to counseling to deal w/ your issues over your dad.  The fact that you're trying to justify why you let him in  your DSs life speaks VOLUMES to how affected you are and how much help YOU need.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Agree with PPs-why is this person in your life and around your son?  Are those really the attitudes you want your son to learn?  Isn't it better for your son to have other role models, even if they aren't related, than to have him around a person just because there's a blood tie?  

    I know it's tough to cut ties with family; after years of alcohol abuse, neglect, and narcissism from my father, I decided he didn't deserve to have a relationship with me or my daughter.  When I made that decision, it felt as though a weight was lifted from my shoulders.  Fortunately, I have an amazing stepfather, but even if he wasn't around, I wouldn't change my decision.   

    Do what's best for you and your son, not your father.  It doesn't matter if someone is a "blood" grandparent or not, if they don't model the behavior you want to see in your DS, ask yourself if they really belong in his life. 


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