Pregnant after a Loss

Underwhelming response?

We told our parents and siblings about the pregnancy today.  Because of my job, I have to tell my boss this week, and it's likely that my coworkers will figure out I'm pregnant (I have to switch to different duties because my job is hazardous).  Once people at work find out, I can't guarantee that someone won't say something on Facebook...so it made sense to tell them now.   We told them this early last time as well (for the same reasons).

My mom's response?  "Oh. Well. That's nice." FMIL?  "Great."  FFIL?  "Are you sure this time?"  ?!?!?!?

Not the responses we were hoping for.

Our sisters, on the other hand, were both ecstatic.

Anyone else get an underwhelming response when telling family about a pregnancy after a loss? 

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Re: Underwhelming response?

  • My step mom and Dad were definitely a little reserved when we told them but once they saw this weeks us they realized it was definitely real and are now REALLY excited. It's kind of funny. They said they were just scared for us so they didn't want to act too excited. I'm sorry their response was lack luster but hopefully they get better!

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  • Yeah, I kind of shamed my mom, and I think she felt bad...
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  • Yes! My husband's family was less than enthusiastic when he told them. We had 3 miscarriages in the last 4 years. When he told his best friend he got the same response. He felt comfortable enough to ask him why. His BF said he was just very worried about me if we went through another loss.

    They are starting to come around now at 20 weeks!

     

  • Oh yes, pretty much both sides were reserved about me being pregnant after two losses, we are extremely close to our families and we all share everything. They are normally really good for support so we were pretty shocked and hurt... They will get excited, give them time. People are just cautious about loss and when they see a family member hurting they hurt as well, nobody wants to see a family member hurting in any way.
    Hang in there!!!
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  • I want to be careful about how I say this, because I completely understand why you're feeling hurt and frustrated. But I also wanted to share my experience and our choices.

    We've had two losses since January 2012, and, both times, my mom and dad--who live numerous states away--knew right from the start about the pregnancies. (The first time, virtually no one else knew; the second time, nearly everyone did.) Watching my parents go through the pain of our miscarriages (we will be the first--and likely only--grandchild for them, if our little Button sticks) was incredibly difficult for me. They wanted to support us, but they were grieving, too. As a result, we decided not to tell them early this time (they won't know until 13 weeks, assuming we reach that point). The reason had much less to do with us and much more to do with them. I know that I felt anxious, terrified, and even resentful at the start of this pregnancy, and I didn't want them to feel any part of that. Now that we've been through several bleeding scares and 4 ultrasounds, I'm actually really glad that they haven't had to be on that rollercoaster with us.

    I know it's not fair to compare what your family is going through with regard to being PgAL with what you and your SO are going through, but I think it's just a reality of the place where all of us are. Our families love us and want the best for us, but they also want to protect themselves from the pain and hurt of a(nother) loss.

    One cool thing that did happen to us is that our BFFs found out very early (5w) this time, but it was unintentional (we didn't want to tell them until after 1st tri, but they were staying with us during one of the spotting episodes when we had to go to an emergency u/s). It was hard telling them because they didn't seem excited--just resolved that this was happening to us again. However, about 2 weeks ago, my BFF sent me a text and asked me when I'd be out of first tri officially. I told her, and she asked if DH and I could tell her and her BF (who is my DH's BFF) again then so that they could really, truly celebrate with us. I loved that idea! Maybe setting a date for a small family party as you get closer to the end of first tri would give you something to look forward to as your family gets more excited about your news?

    Sorry that got so insanely long!


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  • I get that they are hesitant to be excited due to the previous loss, but they should at least be happy and supportive to you two. My dad was happy but reserved because he wants a grand baby so bad. He calls every week to see how things are going. Hope things get better and you get a more excited and supportive response soon.
    imageimageMy hubby and I have been together since 2008. Married 3 years in Dec. DX with PCOS and annovulatory hypothalamus. TTC for about 3.5 years. Timed cycles on Clomid July and Aug 2012, missed Sep due to irregular cycle. We started clomid again in Oct 2012 and did the ovidrel trigger again with a IUI on 11/1/12. BFP! mmc on Dec 21. D&C 2 rounds of Letrozole and IUI #3 BFN April 2013 Follistim injections May 15, 2013 BFP! Stick baby stick! EDD Jan 24th, 2014image

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  • As others have mentioned, I truly believe our families get Pgal brain too.  We had to tell our in-laws early (7 weeks) because they were staying with us over the 4th of July, and there was absolutely no way they'd buy the excuses of why I wasn't drinking for four whole days.  They gave a less than stellar reaction, too.  But after we let them know that our first appointment went well and there was a strong heartbeat, they began to get more excited.

    It's frustrating, I know.  Hopefully they'll warm up soon!   

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  • Our parents were kept informed of our infertility journey so they were very excited to hear our news. I will say though that my mom and I are extremely close (she actually knew about the baby before DH due to the fact that I was having a spotting scare and he was in the field when I found out) and she confided in me that this has been extremely difficult for her because she did not want to see us go through the pain of another loss. I am sorry your parents didn't react the way that you had hoped for, but do keep in mind that they hurt when you hurt and might be playing down their excitement because of their own version of PGAL brain. Oh and our 1st loss we only lived about 8 hours from DH's brother but the rest of our family was 20 hours away. We visited them a week after we found out we were expecting and decided to tell them in person since we wouldn't get to tell the rest of our family in person, their response "I hope you are ready." Gee thanks guys, us too! Needless to say, they were the last to know this time around. 
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  • ejb23ejb23
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    Yes, both sets of parents said something disappointing. I think they didn't want to set themselves and us up for more disappointment if it ended in a loss again. They've all come around since its later in the game now. Hang in there, I know it's frustrating and sad but I'm sure it will be better soon!

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    -My step-daughter is 12 years old.

    -BFP #1 on 9/2/12, D&C 10/18/12 no heartbeat on US @ 10 weeks.

    -BFP #2 on 1/7/13, R was born on 9/22/13 via C-Section

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  • My DH wanted to wait a little longer to tell his parents about this PG because he felt our two losses were difficult for them. Even after we told them they still hardly mentioned the pregnancy until well into the second tri. They have since warmed up and are very excited to meet their first grandchild in a few weeks. For them, it wasn't a lack of excitement, it was more of being nervous about another loss. Hopefully your families will show their excitement more as your PG progresses.

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  • My parents and DH's parents were the same way. I feel like they were guarding themselves just as I was. It was disappointing though. I'm sorry!

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  • Thank you for posting this. I have been worried about the response that I'm going to get when I tell my family too. I'm 8 weeks right now and lost my previous at 20w so I don't know if I will ever feel safe telling them. I'm going to wait till I'm about 14w to tell everyone and hope for a good response
  • My FIL could care less. He and his wife live an hour and a half away and he hasn't really ever been there for DH.

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  • When we first told my parents about this pregnancy, my mom was over the hill excited.  My dad, on the other hand, was apprehensively excited.  I could tell that he wanted to be excited, but he was afraid to be.  I can't say that I blame him.  I was, and still is to a certain extent, afraid to get excited.  Pgal brain is hard on family sometimes too. 

    My dad now is excited just like my mom and asks how the baby is doing every time I see them. I'm sorry that the original response wasn't what you would have liked, but give them time.  They might still be grieving their lost grandchild and not be ready to open their arms to the next one yet.

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  • So my mom sent me an e-card (?!?) that said that she IS excited, she just wasn't expecting it so soon after my return from Afghanistan (?!?!)   She knew that delaying TTC again because of the deployment was a cause of stress for me, and I've been home over a month....so....yeah.

    I think you're right that they are just worried about us suffering another loss.  We're worried about that too, but keep reminding ourselves that they are two separate events.  But they weren't really terribly supportive or understanding when we were going through the loss in the first place...

     

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  • My dad and bonus mom were so excited it really made me nervous. My mom, an L and D nurse who has had 2 losses herself, was very reserved. I asked her about it later, and she was just worried about me. She is over the top excited now and although this will be her 6th grandchild, it will be her first to attend the delivery of.
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  • My families were both very excited. We had two losses last year and had a hard tune getting pregnant. I think they all knew how much it meant to us and we all agreed that it is better to celebrate it now and enjoy what time we have with the bean growing inside compared to worrying about another loss.
    And we told them before we had even confirmed at the obs. So it was great.
    I do understand that they were hurt my mom drove me to the hospital for my first mc but I think your parents should realize you need support not more doubt. Because we all know we Pgals more then enough doubting.
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