Success after IF

Worth the "friendship"?

Hi Ladies,

I am 8 weeks pregnant with twins after a 5 year journey with infertility.  Of course, I am overjoyed beyond belief!!  While I am not completely naive to the risks I face, I have a friend who seems to want to keep focusing on the negative, talking about miscarriage and asking me things like, "Did your doctor say what the miscarriage rate is with twins?  Is it higher?". This friend is someone who I became friends with by default because she is married to my husband's friend.  They got married after us and she just gave birth to her third child.  I have never been jealous, just wanted respect as any friend would going through the pain of infertility.

We had a falling out for several months while she was pregnant this past time because she was seriously considering the name I'd told her many times I was saving for my baby one day.  Her reaction was that I needed to get over it, that I couldn't tell her what she could name her child.  Although she always claims to be such a good friend, in this case, there was no true compassion for what I have gone through or understanding of how much the name meant to me.  She said she didn't remember me telling her all those times...  Maybe she just doesn't listen.  I have many times felt the relationship was one-sided and she was just using me to be a busy body.  

I find it interesting that I got pregnant while our friendship was on hiatus. We just recently are back in each others lives.  But now I'm feeling her negative force on me again and am wondering whether I just need to call her out next time she starts up or if I am better off without her in my life altogether...


p.s. my husband can't stand her and doesn't think we should go out of our way anymore to be friends with them as they are so negative and toxic. 


Re: Worth the "friendship"?

  • I think you answered your own question in your ps... It seems to me that if you and your husband agree then it's time to put some distance between you. You have been through a lot and deserve to be happy about your pregnancy! If she is making you unhappy then don't talk to her. When you have to be in the same social situation b/c of the common group of friends steer the conversation away from your pregnancy. (BTW - twins are high risk but as far as i know the m/c rate is the same.) As far as the name goes, I actually think you both have a point. If you love the name then use it. It doesn't even sound like you are/will be close enough to these people to worry about it. Congratulations! H& H 9 months!
    Unexplained Infertility

    After two Clomid cycles, three injectable IUI cycles, two IVFs, two miscarriages, and one lap surgery, IVF #2 has brought us our little boy!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    TTC #2
    After months of being postponed or cancelled, FET #1.3 (Natural FET) brought us twin girls!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Your answer is in your PS. Sorry you are dealing with this. Congrats and HH 9 mos!!


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I would follow your husbands lead & yes multiples can lead to a more challenging pregnancy but not for everyone & even those with complications can have happy endings :) best of luck & I hope it all goes great for you.
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • I say keep your distance. You don't need the stress or aggravation. Just sit back and enjoy your pregnancy bc it is truly a blessing.

    And ditto PP. Multiples makes you a high risk pregnancy, but I don't think it changes the m/c rate. GL!!


    TTC#1: 4/2010 - Me: 31 DH: 31 – unexplained
    9 medicated/monitored cycles = BFN | IVF 1.2 = BFP!!
    Beta#1: 162 | Beta#2: 535 | Beta#3: 2,445 | Beta#4: >9,000!

    Sophie Joy was born 2/10/2013

    TTC#2: 2/2014 - pre-testing completed to prepare for FET#1. Surprise BFP the cycle before FET!!
    Beta#1: 301 | Beta#2: 612 | Beta#3: 3,200 | Beta#4: >11,000!

    Praying for my sister, RunCC37, to have her own miracle!


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  • kmc84kmc84
    Long-Lasting Membership 5000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its
    image imoverit:
    Your answer is in your PS. Sorry you are dealing with this. Congrats and HH 9 mos!!

    TTC# 1 since 5/10
    Me:30 Type 1 Diabetes, Ankylosing Spondylitis, Hypothyroid DH:30 Perfect
    DX: Unexplained IF
    Many IUI's with various meds all BFFN
    IVF #1 11/11 canceled due to OHSS
    IVF #2 Feb/March 2012 ET of 2 on day 3 4/7 BFP! 5/1 u/s blighted ovum
    IVF #3 July 2012 ET of 3 on day 3 7/24 BFP!
    U/S 6w2d One perfect bean with a HR of 125
    Healthy baby girl born at 36w4d on 3/9/13

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    TTC #2
    DX now PCOS
    IVF #4 May/June 2014 ER 6/4 18R 8M 8F ET 6/9 1 blast, 2 frosties
    Beta 6/18 BFFN

    FET of 2 blasts 7/24...BFP!
    Beta 8/2 201*Beta 8/4 554*Beta 8/6 1206
    U/S 8/21 One baby with a HB (132) and a small SCH
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Like PPs have said, you seem to have answered your own question.  When I run into a situation like this, I remind myself that friendships are supposed to bring us joy.  If you don't enjoy it, there's no point to it. 
    Miracle Twins after 2 years TTC thanks to IVF! 10*18*06
    Lilypie - (6EmG)



  • image MrsLee04:
    Like PPs have said, you seem to have answered your own question.  When I run into a situation like this, I remind myself that friendships are supposed to bring us joy.  If you don't enjoy it, there's no point to it. 

    This! You will also find that once you have kids, it is easier to end friendships you don't enjoy. You will also make new friends with people that have similar aged kids or other multiple moms. Good luck! No need to officially tell her it is over, just fade away.  

    And congrats on your pregnancy! 

    TTC Since 3/2010
    Me-36, Unexplained Infertility, DH-35, all clear
    Clomid 50mg 12/2011 = BFN
    Clomid 100mg 1/2012 = BFN, with Cyst
    IVF #1 Lupron/Menopur/Gonal-f/HCG Trigger
    ER 4/19/12 = 11 retrieved, 6 fertilized,
    ET 4/22/12 = 2 transfered (day 3), remaining 3 weren't good enough to freeze
    Beta 5/3 = BFP, 87 Beta #2 5/7 560.9 Beta #3 5/9 1376.5 First u/s One Baby, 125bpm!
    Second u/s, 176bmp! Kicked over to the OB by the RE at 8w. Team Green!! 
    Baby girl J arrived two weeks early! Born into water, med-free. Hooray for Team Pink!

    TTC #2 - back to the RE, treatment started 12/2014. 

  • DrRxDrRx
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper

    I totally think, as others have mentioned, that you've answered your own question.  If your DH doesn't even want to hang out with his friend (her husband) anymore, why would you waste your time with them? 

    If they are negative and/or don't really respect you as people, I say keep your distance and focus on other things, like the fact that you are doing great so far in your pregnancy!  Since there was never a really deep bond or connection with them, why waste time to foster a relationship that they act as if they don't even care about?  

    TTC Since July 2008.
    Me: PCOS DH: Low everything (MFI)
    Clomid with TI x 3 2010 BFN
    Clomid+IUI+Ovidrel 2010 BFN
    IVF w/ICSI #1 2011
    9/8/11 Beta #1: 2082!! 9/19/11 Beta#2 34,689!! U/S 9/22/11 HR 127! 11/8/11 HR 150! 12/6/11 HR 136! 12/14/11 HR 139! Born at 26w2d on 2/4/2012! After 83 days in the NICU, Adalyn came home on 4/26/12!
    FET 1 3/2013 BFN
    FET 2 5/2013 BFN
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • Cut her loose!

    Seriously, though, I would not make a point of "ending the friendship" or make big dramatics about it, but I would just slowly phase her out of my life as much as possible. If you see her in a social setting, be friendly and nice, but I would not make a point to be good friends with her.

    As for the name situation, I know how you feel as I had a coworker pretty much do the exact same thing to me...but, at the end of the day, no one owns a name and you can still use it if you want to.  Besides, if she isn't really in your life anymore, who cares if your kids have the same name?

    IF DX: DOR & Fragile X pre-mutation carrier
    2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
    BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
    Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
    BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014

    May 2014 January Siggy Challenge:
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