Parenting after a Loss

XP: Hanging on to BF by a thread

I'm having such a hard time admitting defeat. I wanted to BF our daughter so badly. We got off to a rough start and she lost a lot of weight so we supplemented with formula and I pumped. In the beginning she was getting about half of her intake from me. I continued to try to increase my supply. Now she's 9w old and I barely get one bottle a day. DH says to be happy I gave her what I could for as long as I could. To me I feel like I failed and it's the worst type of fail because it has to do with her. I know there's nothing wrong with formula and she's thriving. It's just something I wanted for her so badly. I look forward to putting the pump away and getting my boobs back, but I can't seem to pull the plug knowing that it will be her last bit of BM. It breaks my heart.

If you went through this, any tips for helping me get past that final bottle?
3 ectopic pregnancies (EDD's 1/30/12-tube removed, 6/2/12-methotrexate and 10/2/12-methotrexate)
IVF and Natural FET resulted in BFN's and a hole in our wallets
Natural BFP #4 on 9/7/12 gave us our miracle on 5/18/13
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Re: XP: Hanging on to BF by a thread

  • I'm so sorry D, I know exactly how you feel. I wanted to BF so badly. Bc they were early and had a weak suck at first I relied heavily on pumping and had to supplement to help them put on weight. Thrn i got shingles when they were 2w old and had to EP to keep them safe. Despite everything I did to improve supply I was never able to pump more than a half ounce a day total. At 8w I decided to put the pump away because I felt like I was spending more time with it than them. It still hurts knowing I wasn't able to provide for them in that way but I was much less stressed after I made the decision. I was able to focus on them and not how much I wasn't getting.

    You've done a great job, please don't beat yourself up about it. Big HUGS mama!
  • delinodelino
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    Thanks Jbug. I'm sorry you had to go through this too. :::hugs:::
    3 ectopic pregnancies (EDD's 1/30/12-tube removed, 6/2/12-methotrexate and 10/2/12-methotrexate)
    IVF and Natural FET resulted in BFN's and a hole in our wallets
    Natural BFP #4 on 9/7/12 gave us our miracle on 5/18/13
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • I don't have any advice other than to say don't beat yourself up. You're doing your absolute best for her and that best for her also includes best for you. It sounds like pumping is stressing you out. Stressed out momma can equal a stressed out baby.

    It also sounds like you're not quite there yet and that's fine, too. You'll know it's the right time to quit. Maybe that's now, maybe that's tomorrow, maybe that's when you go back to work.

    HUGS! 

    Edit: I swear I meant pumping and not pimping! Though I imagine pimping is stressful as well. Stick out tongue 



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  • I just wanted to say big ((HUGS)) and the thing that will make you and your DD most happy in the end is you not being stressed. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but it does not make you a failure. You're doing your best and that is what counts.
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  • I'm so sorry, Delino. I know exactly what you are going through. I dealt with supply issues with Ben, and ended up switching to FF aftertwo excruciating long, painful and difficult months trying to establish EBF and my supply. 

    Know that you are an amazing mama, and that she will love you and continue to thrive being FF. My biggest piece of advice is to not beat yourself up about this. Your precious little girl is going to be loved and nurtured by you and your DH no matter what she is eating. Be at peace with your decision- a happy mama makes a happy baby. Big (((HUGS))) to you dear, I know what a difficult decision it is make.  

     

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  • I know what you mean about that last bottle, and I'm so, so sorry that it didn't work out the way that you wanted. Without getting into the back story, I ended up pumping for both my babies for 8 mos, and then 3 mos for DD. For my son, I just relaxed and fed him that last bottle and really enjoyed it. For my DD, I ended up doing the same thing twice since she had fresh milk until 3 mos and freezer stash from 3 mos to 4 mos, so she had two "last bottles" I have a sign in their room that quotes Dr Seuss: "Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened" :) If you are committed to stopping, enjoy feeding that last bottle and move on :)

    "Grow old and be bold and know that you are the magic of my song" -Stephen Leonard

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  • delinodelino
    5000 Comments 100 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
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    image andrea ri 80:

    I have a sign in their room that quotes Dr Seuss: "Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened" :

    If you are committed to stopping, enjoy feeding that last bottle and move on :
    Oh my god. That quote brought tears to my eyes! Thank you everyone. I'm going to just see what happens and not beat myself up.
    3 ectopic pregnancies (EDD's 1/30/12-tube removed, 6/2/12-methotrexate and 10/2/12-methotrexate)
    IVF and Natural FET resulted in BFN's and a hole in our wallets
    Natural BFP #4 on 9/7/12 gave us our miracle on 5/18/13
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  • First, gigantic hugs. I vividly remember the feeling of failure when it became blatantly obvious I wasn't going to be able to BF. I already felt like my body had failed them since they were preemies, it was very hard to give up the idea of BFing. I cried, a lot. But ultimately, a year later, I know I did my best and it was the right choice for us. Watching my boys grow and thrive on formula, along with getting to spend more time with them since I'm not pumping, helped ease the sting. You have done a fabulous job and she is going to thrive no matter what!
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    Married 9/22/07, began TTC 8/10
    Diagnosed with DOR, LP defect, mild endometriosis and cysts
    BFP #1 EDD 9/10/11, natural miscarriage at 6w
    BFP #2 Medicated cycle, twin boys born 4/4/12 at 29w4d
    BFP #3 EDD 8/8/14, D&C for missed miscarriage at 8w, baby boy with triploidy
    BFP #4 June 2014 CP
  • HUGS! There is no failure when it comes to breast feeding. You tried your best. My sister had issues with yeast and saw 3 LC's. the last one she saw told her that as long as your baby is happy and thriving, you should not stress. If you put yourself under that much pressure you are not able to enjoy and bond with your baby. All you need to do is what is best for you and your family, even if that means formula.

    You gave your baby all you could when it comes to BM, now you can spend more lovin' time together.

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    BFP #1: 8/4/11; DS1 born sleeping on 11/16/11 at 19w1d

    BFP # 2: 5/7/12, EDD 1/10/13, DS2 born 1/4/13

    BFP # 3: 11/8/13, EDD 7/17/14, mmc 10wks

    BFP # 4: 5/16/14, EDD 1/15/15, praying for our 2nd rainbow baby 

  • ((BIG HUGS)) Don't beat yourself up.  I always had to supplement DS1 to to jaundice and weight issues. I ended up pumping a lot and I also would nurse for awhile and then FF.  I also had to add rice cereal to all of the bottles. I made it to 6 months doing that, but looking back I didn't really enjoy me time with him.

    My advice is to step back from the situation and do what you think is best for you and time it accordingly. Please enjoy your baby and being a mom. For our last nursing session when I finally did quit, it was just DS and I alone for a few hours and me holding him even long after he was sleeping. It was bittersweet but after that time I was a lot happier and able to play with him more. 

    TTC January 2010
    BFP #1 10-11-10 ectopic discovered 10-22-10, 10-23-10 methotrexate & emergency surgery, lost right tube BFP #2 12-1-10 Found to be tissue dropped from salingectomy or missed heterotopic pregnancy from BFP #1 BFP #3 1-30-11 DS arrived on due date 10-10-11 BFP #4 Surprise 9-3-12 EDD 5-9-13 DS2 arrived 5-5-13 BFP #5 5-14-14 Emergency D&C 6-16-14 9 weeks
  • First, in no way did you/do you fail!  You are amazing for having done as much as you did!  It's more than I ever could - DS was in the nursery for those light treatments bc of jaundice.  And once they gave him a bottle there, he would not latch on me.for.anything.  I tried pumping, but without him helping bring my supply in, I was unable to even produce half an ounce in twenty four hours, by Day 10 PP.  I cried many, many, many ugly tears (and still have a glimmer of hope that next time, I might actually be able to BF our hopefully second baby).

    But - and I can only speak for myself here - but after almost two weeks, pumping every two hours, without much coming out, growing frustrations, stress, and just overall being miserable: that last bottle felt like just another stab to my heart . . . and then, it was like the clouds cleared.  I was no longer stuck to a pump, and my son was/is thriving.  That last bottle is so difficult, but for me, the new bottle of just FF, somehow came like a wave of relief, washing away any doubt I had over the process JMHO :)  So my frank opinion?  Bite the bullet, and just do it - rip off that doubt and worry and fear like a band aid, all at once :D

    GL! <3

    ______________________________________________________

    BFP #1 06.20.11 I EDD 03.22.12 I MMC 09.01.11 (baby measured 6w4d) I D&C 09.07.11
    BFP #2 02.21.12 I EDD 10.29.12 I DS born 11.06.12

    Surprise BFP #3 07.27.13 I EDD 04.02.14 I Stick baby stick!
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  • delinodelino
    5000 Comments 100 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
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    Thank you everyone. You've helped me tremendously. Her BM days are numbered. I may pump another bottle or two. It's bittersweet to say the least.
    3 ectopic pregnancies (EDD's 1/30/12-tube removed, 6/2/12-methotrexate and 10/2/12-methotrexate)
    IVF and Natural FET resulted in BFN's and a hole in our wallets
    Natural BFP #4 on 9/7/12 gave us our miracle on 5/18/13
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • I just had this battle myself.  I had to EP with DS due to several issues.  I got to the point where I felt that our entire lives revolved around pumping.  I was pumping 8 times a day and for 20 minutes each time.  Add that to the time it took for him to eat, be changed, etc and I literally didn't have more than about 15 minutes every three hours to myself and we won't even discuss sleeping. 

    Like you, I felt like I was failing him in some way if I didn't continue with BM.  This was compounded by the fact that I had IUGR and I already felt that my body had failed him. 

    As much as I hated pumping, I couldn't bring myself to stop and switch to formula.  With the advice from the ladies on my BMB and talking at length to DH and the pediatrician, we switched to formula b/c DS needs a happy, sane mother more than he needs BM.  I am still feeding him and now have more time to spend with him.

    I still haven't been able to put my pump away, even though I haven't used it in days.  I know the time will come when I do.  I have used all the BM I had stored and honestly felt better afterwards.  Big (hugs) to you as you make the transition.

    BFP #1 3.23.12 ~ EDD 11.29.12 ~ M/C 5.20.12 ~ D&E 5.21.12 
        BFP #2 10.21.12 ~ EDD 7.4.13 ~ DS born 6.14.13 via c/s dx IUGR
    TFAS since June 2014  

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  • My OB gave me a great bit of advice when I was struggling. She said: "Trust me. You are going to have plenty of opportunities to feel guilty in his life. Don't waste another minute guilting yourself over this."

    Honestly, I know it's hard, but you have to let this guilt go. You are a wonderful mother and your honey is going to thrive under your love and caring nature....regardless of if she is getting breast milk or formula. And you did breastfeed her and did the very best that you could. It's time to listen to your heart and stop beating yourself up. 

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    First BFP! 9/5/11- M/C 9wk5 1st U/S, no HB.
    Forever loved, little bug.

    Second BFP: 1/13/12. 2/13/12: Blighted Ovum diagnosis. Chromosomal testing showing complete tetraploidy. We'll miss you, little monkey and wish we could have known you. Two babies never to be in our arms, but always in our hearts.

    Third BFP: 5/4/12 EDD: 1/12/2013. Our rainbow baby, W, born 1/16/13 a healthy little boy!!! We love you honeybadger and are so so blessed to have brought you home!

    All "after loss" board ladies (PgAL, TTCAL, PAL, MC/PL) always welcome to post!
  • vflipovflipo
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    ((hugs)) I know it's hard but just remember that you are doing what's best for both of you. Stressing about BFing isn't going to do any good for your supply, and it's not going to do any good for LO. As long as she's fed that's all that matters. I went through a similar struggle with DD. I actually ended up getting really sick when she was about 8 weeks old, I was in the hospital and couldn't eat unless I really wanted to throw up. My supply crashed and burned and I felt awful. But, my DD is amazing. She's a brilliant two year old and I don't think she'll ever get mad at me for not BFing longer than I did. I stuck it out for a couple months after my supply died and it was just too stressful. It wasn't good for either of us. I don't regret the decision one bit. Do what's best for you and your family. And, all that time you've spent pumping you can now focus on your DD instead :)
    I married a ginger.
    m/c 12/25/09 (5w5d) mm/c D&C 4/9/10 (11w1d) Take home baby 2/22/11
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