1st Trimester

Pregnant and single

Warning: Long post: I am 30 (soon to be 31) and i've always wanted to have kids.  I had attempted to get married first at age 25, but ended up canceling the wedding one month before the day due to cheating. i've always tried to do the "get an education, then get married and buy a house" thing before deciding to have kids.  well at 30, things didn't work out that way.  while i have travelled a lot and enjoyed my single life, i found out i am pregnant by my last ex boyfriend.  He already has several kids and currently lives with the mother of his last child.  we had still being seeing each other and i was working out of town, coming home to visit.  and we would always hang out when i visited.  but this time, i got pregnant, the same day i came home! last month i was diagnosed with several fibroid tumors and a cyst (they are painful!!!) and i asked my doc how and if they would affect my future fertility. well, this month i'm in a totally different boat! i'm so conflicted with my feelings.  i had initially considered aborting, due to the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy. then i thought about what that would mean. i am financially stable and will totally have the support of my family and friends.  but i'm kind of shamed that i'm not married and this situation is so ugly!  oh, and he wants me to not have this baby of course.  i have already thought about what i need to do to get prepared to have this baby.  but i think the shame and embarassment are getting the best of me! if it weren't for that, i would probably already have told the entire world! anybody else go through something like this?

Re: Pregnant and single

  • tursketurske member
    I'm not in that situation, but my thought is that it is not anyone's business as to how and why the baby was conceived.  I think the people closest to you will understand & anyone else... It's not their place to ask or judge you.  Good luck and know that whatever you decide IS the best choice for YOU!
  • image turske:
    I'm not in that situation, but my thought is that it is not anyone's business as to how and why the baby was conceived.  I think the people closest to you will understand & anyone else... It's not their place to ask or judge you.  Good luck and know that whatever you decide IS the best choice for YOU!

    Thanks! I know that i will be a good mother and my baby will have just as good of a life as anyone else's. It's just hard when all your life you've been the "role model" and BAM! But everyday i'm getting stronger and stronger and I know that we will be A-okay! 

  • I haven't been through this but it sounds to me like your dreams of being a mother have come true and you should embrace it !!! Motherhood is truly an amazing thing and it doesn't matter what your relationship situation is OR what anyone thinks!! Once the baby arrives everyone falls in love and everyone forgets the technicalities!

    Women raise children on their own all over the world and you certainly have a leg up by being financially stable!

    Congrats and good luck! You don't need a man to raise a baby! That is what we are made for! :
    [I][love][my][Englishman][6.12.10]
    BabyFruit Ticker

  • tursketurske member
    image 1jazzynurse:

    image turske:
    I'm not in that situation, but my thought is that it is not anyone's business as to how and why the baby was conceived.  I think the people closest to you will understand & anyone else... It's not their place to ask or judge you.  Good luck and know that whatever you decide IS the best choice for YOU!

    Thanks! I know that i will be a good mother and my baby will have just as good of a life as anyone else's. It's just hard when all your life you've been the "role model" and BAM! But everyday i'm getting stronger and stronger and I know that we will be A-okay! 

    You will still be a role model... Strong, single mother... I think that's definitely an excellent type of role model! :) 

  • Fwiw I think a woman who works hard to care for herself and her kid and who is a good mom and stands up for herself is a fo


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  • Fwiw I think a woman who works hard to care for herself and her kid and who is a good mom and stands up for herself is a good role model. Single or married. There are more less traditional families now. Tell people to MYOB.


    image image
  • image turske:
    I'm not in that situation, but my thought is that it is not anyone's business as to how and why the baby was conceived.  I think the people closest to you will understand & anyone else... It's not their place to ask or judge you.  Good luck and know that whatever you decide IS the best choice for YOU!

    I agree with this.  Only you can decide what's best and as long as it's YOUR decision you will be fine.  My first pregnancy was unplanned and under very messy circumstances and I considered abortion as well.  I even scheduled and went in (twice), but I just couldn't do it.  I knew deep down inside that I wanted to continue the pregnancy.  At the time everyone was really angry with me and it was hard for the first few months, but once my daughter was born everyone fell in love and all was well.  I'm not saying it always turns out to be a bed of roses, but in my case it did.  As long as you have your head on your shoulders and you have a support system in place you will be fine.  Good luck!

    DD born 6.13.11 at 37w5d

    DS born 5.23.12 at 36w5d

    BFP 6.9.13|heartbeat of 128bpm 7weeks|7.23.13 ultrasound revealed no heartbeat|natural m/c and d&c 7.25.13

    DS born 5.20.14 at 38 weeks

    All are welcome

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  • I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about. You are a grown woman. If you want to keep this baby and feel confident that you're stable and want to be a mother, then I believe that is exactly what you should do, even if the father doesn't want to follow you in that journey. This is your life, your body, your choice. This may not be the way you had "planned" it in your head but I wholeheartedly believe that things happen for a reason and this is your change at becoming a mommy. I wish you the very best.
    Anniversary
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    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Kari~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  • My first time around I was single. I was also very young, only 20 at the time, but was lucky to have family to help me get on my feet after having my daughter. I'll tell you one thing... Being a young single mother and eventually doing it all on my own with no child support it was so empowering as a woman, and gave me such a surprisingly good outlook on life.  As a result I'm sure the marriage I'm in now is why its as strong as it is.
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  • I have a good friend (we are about the same age as you, a little older), and almost the exact same thing happened to her.  She kept the baby, and has turned out to be an AMAZING mother to a beautiful little boy, and nobody cares who the father is or why she's single.  I know it's not easy for her, but she's awesome and strong and beautiful and she amazes me.    

    I mean, it's not 1950 anymore.  There are a lot of people out there with "non-traditional" family situations -- single parents, divorced parents, gay parents...and really, other than some people I know from older generations (who still refer to an unmarried woman being pregnant as "got herself in trouble"), nobody cares or judges.  

    Follow your heart and do what you think is right.  But you can so totally do this :-) 

    imageDSC_9275  image



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  • Obviously this is a decision that only you can decide. I don't think you should necessarily feel "bound" by the "1st comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the carriage" thing. Sure...that's what some would call ideal but let's be honest, life is rarely ideal.

    If you decide that you are financially stable and have enough support, then who cares what other people think? Who cares how it happened? I assure you that once you hold the baby in your arms, you won't care one bit. It might be a harder road raising your child as a single parent, but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

    Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!


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    M/c #1 - 10/30/07 - 5w3d, DS1 - born at 36w, M/c#2 - 12/7/09 - 5w, M/c #3 - 1/13/10 - 4w6d, 
    M/c #4 - 3/16/10 - 5w1d, DS2 -  born via VBAC at 40w3d, M/c#5 - 11/5/12 - 7w2d
    BFP #8 - 5/5/13- Looks like a sticky one! DS3 - born via epi-free VBAC at 39w1d

  • I was in a similar situation with my now almost-10 yo.  I thought of aborting as well, but just knew I couldn't.  I went ahead with her and while yes, I felt embarrassed by not being married, etc. it was so worth it.  But if you have the support of your family and friends, you should be just fine! Have yourself a baby!  :)  They're such wonderful, amazing little people.  I wish you the best of luck.
    _______________________________________________________________________________________

    Jacob & Audra - married since 05.28.11
    Emma Kate - born 10.16.03 @ 29 weeks, weighed 1lb 13oz and 13.5" long.
    Ozzy Joseph - born 11.01.13 @ 31 weeks, weighed 3lbs 7oz and 16" long.
    TTC #3
    _______________________________________________________________________________________

  • Hey there

     

    i am in a very similar situation. I'm 31, single and pregnant. I broke up with my ex of 2.5 years a week before I found out. The only difference is my ex is hoping this will bring us back together and wants to be a part of the baby's life even if it doesn't.

    Please don't feel ashamed. You are 30 years old and able to provide for your baby. It is no longer taboo for pregnant people to be single. The last statistic year that was reported, a high 40 percent (I forget the exact number) of baby's were born to single, unmarried mothers.

     Being pregnant has definitely complicated my life. I worked for a church and the senior pastor fired me. But a majority of church members have come through to offer support of me, my baby and the situation I'm in.

    keep your head up and feel free to private message me anytime you need to chat/vent. 

  • So, to make sure that I understand the situation:

    You basically were a booty call for this dude while he is living with someone else he got KTFU? So he is still in a relationship with someone else (sort of?) and banging you on the side? So, you pop up pregnant.

    Yay for you because you get what you want. Nay for him because he has to take responsibility for everything.

    What is done is done, and there is no point in getting upset or shamed about your situation. You can't undo it. Really, if he is cheating on his partner that is on him, but you aren't blameless there. I'm really surprised you agreed to be on the "other woman" hotline given your experiences with your previous wedding debacle. Unless, of course, you were the one cheating that ended your previous engagement.

    So you aren't married and pregnant. BFD. If you want the baby, have stability and means to raise then get on with your bad self. However, I would seriously consider taking the dude to court and staying out of his bed in the future. Get your child support and arrange for visitation if he wants it.

    I've never been through this (I generally try to stay away from men that are taken), but that's my advice.  

    Lilypie - (uZTn)Lilypie - (NNJ6)
    July 2013 BMB Siggy Challenge
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    NTNP Since August 2014
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    TTC for #3 in January 2016!

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    Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers

  • Him and I broke up a little over a year ago, but never really stopped seeing each other.  It's very complicated as i'm still close to his family.  I can honestly say in my life that I haven't made any decisions to regret except this one.  I know that i'm not blameless, hence the reason i'm feeling the shame and guilt!
  • In the day and age we live in today, I see no reason for shame or embarrassment. You want a baby, you are financially able to handle raising a child. . . Sounds like you're ahead of some! People will always judge, even if you do it "right" and you just have to let it roll off your shoulders. Circumstances aren't always ideal when they come about, but you just need to decide what you want and handle it. Congrats!

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  • Girl, go have your baby and enjoy motherhood!
    Shame and embarrassment? Why?? Based on what I read, you're an adult not a naive teenager, you have your education, employment, financial stability, and good support from family and friends. I'm assuming you're not on drugs or some kind of serial criminal. The odds are already in your favor! Sure, the backstory may not be what was your dream or ideal, but if loving this baby and being a good mom is what you want, then do just that! Don't worry about what anyone else has to say. If someone wants to spew negativity towards you, they don't deserve the privilege of getting to know your beautiful baby and continuing to be in your life. Yeah, there will be challenges and obstacles, but those come regardless. Take care of you, take care of baby, and get ready for the next exciting chapter in your life!
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