August 2013 Moms

FTMs: 1+1=3

A question for my FTM's (or STMs, feel free to answer!)

Are you worried/nervous about the equation changing from just the two of you to the three of you? I'm obviously so, so excited to meet this little guy, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous about how it's going to change my relationship with DH. We've been married for 2 years, together for 9 1/2...it's going to be so strange to have someone else added into the mix!



Let The Wild Rumpus Start!
Ezra James 08/22/13

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Re: FTMs: 1+1=3

  • I am. We've been married for almost 2 years and together for 6 and I have no idea how the dynamics are going to change. I have no doubt of DH being a great dad or anything like that. But I have a feeling neither has any clue how much life is going to change.
  • I think about it too. Our first wedding anniversary was this past March and we were together not quite 3 years when we got married. We still find ourselves adjusting to married life sometimes so adding LO will certainly make it interesting!

  • Absolutely! It's always just been H and I and this will be a huge change. So exciting and scary at the same time LOL.
  • I have nervous breakdowns about this. We've been married two and a half years, together 4. 

    I just love him so much and it's always just been "us". 

    Flame away, but after LO arrives, I'm still planning to put our relationship first. I know kids take over your life, but they don't have to ruin a relationship. We'll be doing everything we can to keep our close connection and not grow resentful of each other. We've seen it happen to too many people once they start making babies.  We'll do our best. 

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  • Not really.  We are coming up on ten years, I'm actually a little sick of it being just us, we need this baby to shake up our routine, we are way too stale.

    What I am concerned about is changing my daily habits from just me to me and babe.  I'm such a tv/internet junkie and I usually bum around all morning and run my errands in the afternoon.   It's going to take a lot of getting used to, but I'm looking forward to being more productive.  In my mom fantasies, I'm totally on top of everything, home-cooked meals, sparkling clean house, fun activities with the kids, etc.

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  • mgg242mgg242
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    I'm very nervous about this as well. We've been able to what we want how we want with very little thought for so long.
  • image MrsWahidi:

    I have nervous breakdowns about this. We've been married two and a half years, together 4. 

    I just love him so much and it's always just been "us". 

    Flame away, but after LO arrives, I'm still planning to put our relationship first. I know kids take over your life, but they don't have to ruin a relationship. We'll be doing everything we can to keep our close connection and not grow resentful of each other. We've seen it happen to too many people once they start making babies.  We'll do our best. 

    I don't think putting your relationship first is a bad thing. You need the strong bond/love between the two of you first. I think it'll only help your relationship with your children. A strong marriage/union is a great thing.

     

    Not sure if I worded all of that the way I have it in my head... Darn pregnancy brain :)

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  • I'm excited, nervous and many other emotions. We will figure it out. I hear what the poster is saying about still making your relationship a priority. It will be hard at first but we can find little ways to stay connected. 
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  • I am! We are still engaged so we haven't even began our married life together. It makes me nervous, but Im so excited for our little family! I have known since the day I met him that he was the one I'd spend my life with and have a family with. It happened in a little backwards of an order, but I am so anxious!!
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  • I'm just going to say that it's a beautiful experience... It should definitely change your relationship for the better, just never forget to make time for just the two of you or you will go crazy!!! It's good to relax and unwind every now and again when it's possible :] good luck mommies! They are getting here before we know it!!! :D
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  • image johnson8586:
    image MrsWahidi:

    I have nervous breakdowns about this. We've been married two and a half years, together 4. 

    I just love him so much and it's always just been "us". 

    Flame away, but after LO arrives, I'm still planning to put our relationship first. I know kids take over your life, but they don't have to ruin a relationship. We'll be doing everything we can to keep our close connection and not grow resentful of each other. We've seen it happen to too many people once they start making babies.  We'll do our best. 

    I don't think putting your relationship first is a bad thing. You need the strong bond/love between the two of you first. I think it'll only help your relationship with your children. A strong marriage/union is a great thing.

     

    Not sure if I worded all of that the way I have it in my head... Darn pregnancy brain :)

    I understand what you're saying. By having a strong relationship, hopefully that extends into being a more stable, secure family for our future daughter. This is my thought as well.

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  • This has troubled me ever since we found out that we're expecting. My husband and I have been together for nearly 14 years and married for nearly 9 of those. It's always been just us and our birds. We will work hard to keep our marriage strong all while loving our baby boy. The thought of have someone else living with us scares the mess out of me though - seriously.
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  • I've been nervous about that change for a while now. The whole dynamic will change, and I'm looking forward to LO, but DH and I will be celebrating 10 years of marriage in November and we have been together for a total of 13.

    So, while we planned this pregnancy and went through fertility treatments, it still makes me wonder how this will change everything! No more spontaneous plans or late nights with friends.

    Looking forward to family life, but also wondering how we will adjust.
  • So glad to see these comments! I have been really freaking lately!! 37 weeks tomorrow and some days are better than other on this subject. DH and I have also been together about 10 years...married for two. We go so much..do so much right now...always hunting, fishing, or something!! I'm so worried about things changing and losing us. I know DH is going to be an awesome dad, and we are both so excited about baby boy coming in a couple weeks...but I am so worried about what it will do to our relationship too. I know it will probably enhance what we have..it's the unknown that is so scary though!!
  • image MrsWahidi:
    image johnson8586:
    image MrsWahidi:

    I have nervous breakdowns about this. We've been married two and a half years, together 4. 

    I just love him so much and it's always just been "us". 

    Flame away, but after LO arrives, I'm still planning to put our relationship first. I know kids take over your life, but they don't have to ruin a relationship. We'll be doing everything we can to keep our close connection and not grow resentful of each other. We've seen it happen to too many people once they start making babies.  We'll do our best. 

    I don't think putting your relationship first is a bad thing. You need the strong bond/love between the two of you first. I think it'll only help your relationship with your children. A strong marriage/union is a great thing.

     

    Not sure if I worded all of that the way I have it in my head... Darn pregnancy brain :)

    I understand what you're saying. By having a strong relationship, hopefully that extends into being a more stable, secure family for our future daughter. This is my thought as well.

     

    all of this!  

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  • I wasn't worried about it while I was pregnant with DD, but we definitely had to go through an adjustment period. Part of it was the whole lack of sleep/dealing with a high strung baby and part of it was everything with DH's dysfunctional family coming to a head. 

    I'm more worried this time and mostly in regards to how DD is going to adjust. I'm also praying to God that this LO is nothing like DD was as an infant!  

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  • RK125RK125
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    We've been married for 6, together for 13. I worry about this too. DH has been wonderful through this entire pregnancy and I have no doubt he'll be a great dad. But I'm worried that we won't have our "us" time. I keep telling myself we just have to get into our routine and we'll be set.
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  • Completely agree. Our marriage class warned us that the birth of the first child is the greatest period of stress in a marriage.

    DH and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6.5 years. Its been just us for so long, not sure how this is going to work.
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  • I am not really worried or nervous. Definitely excited for the changes. We have been married almost 2 and together for almost 9 years. So this is definitely the next big thing for us. 

    It's going to be different and quite the adjustment but I am pumped. Once we find the groove and get into routine I will definitely push for date nights, etc. so we don't lose those "us" moments.

     

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  • image johnson8586:
    image MrsWahidi:

    I have nervous breakdowns about this. We've been married two and a half years, together 4. 

    I just love him so much and it's always just been "us". 

    Flame away, but after LO arrives, I'm still planning to put our relationship first. I know kids take over your life, but they don't have to ruin a relationship. We'll be doing everything we can to keep our close connection and not grow resentful of each other. We've seen it happen to too many people once they start making babies.  We'll do our best. 

    I don't think putting your relationship first is a bad thing. You need the strong bond/love between the two of you first. I think it'll only help your relationship with your children. A strong marriage/union is a great thing.

     

    Not sure if I worded all of that the way I have it in my head... Darn pregnancy brain :)

     

    I agree with all of this.  I feel closer to my husband (married 5 years, together 7) now more than ever.  Putting our relationship first (within reason) will only strengthen the bond of the whole family. 

  • This is our second, but I'm really nervous about bringing a new baby home. Our daughter is 2, and the three of us really have a good routine. I'm worried how sheis going to act with baby sister here!
  • I also want to add that we planned for this pregnancy and spent 5 married years enjoying and learning more about each other.  We got our careers and finances on track, took some amazing vacations, and had weekly date nights.  This will all change, but we rejoiced in the time of "just the two of us."  I think that is very important as well.
  • No. Not really. I think LO will add so much joy/crazy/amazement to our family.  I don't see her as holding us back in fun/excitement in our relationship, I just see her as bringing us to the next level in our lives (as parents!!!!), which is so beautiful. Can't wait!

      


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  • image BelhurstBride:

    and part of it was everything with DH's dysfunctional family coming to a head. 

    this. This is probably the only thing I worry about. My family has been such a complete nightmare during this pregnancy, that my DH and I have decided to distance ourselves tremendously. I just worry about how it's really going to be with them, since they have zero respect for what we want and put their wants in front of everyone else's. ugh. 

     


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  • Yes, I'm definitely nervous about how having a baby will change our relationship. I don't want us to lose who we are because we have such an amazing marriage, I really couldn't be any happier. I know that babies bring so much joy and love on an even deeper level, but I will admit that it is bittersweet that it won't be just the two of us for much longer.

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  • tdmklmtdmklm
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    No snark here. Serious question: how do you envision putting your relationship with your DHs or partners first given the needs of a newborn/infant? The way DW and I have made it work is to make our family the priority. The whole family, that is. I really can't see how I, or she, could have made our relationship as a couple come first once we had J... We're getting back into the swing of things now that he's almost three with date nights, alone time, etc, but with a newborn or infant... I just can't see it.

    ETA I'm nervous about how the dynamic will change with another LO... And I'm nervous about giving up the reclaimed relationship, so to speak, but I know it's temporary. BFP smiley.
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  • DH and I have been married 3 years and together 4 (we married on our 1 year anniversary). I am both nervous and excited to see how this goes. I really can't wait to see how DH does as a father.
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  • This is our first pregnancy but will be our third child. Right before I got my BFP, DH and I adopted two children (brother and sister). We've been married 4 years and together 8. This past year has been a HUGE adjustment for us. It's been hard, we don't have nearly as much alone time together, which was hard to get used to. We are still figuring it out, getting used to the new responsabilities, and the stress it adds. At the same time, we have come closer together. We've had our ups and downs in the past 8 years, but since becoming a parent with DH, I can honestly say that I have realized that I could not have asked for a better partner.

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  • Definitely nervous/excited. DH and I have been married almost 3 years, together 4.5. His job is very...challenging, in terms of schedule. His days off change monthly and his hours vary day to day so I know that it will take a bit of time to adjust since we never have a regular schedule anyway. I am looking forward to seeing DH as a daddy!

    I figure we will adjust as need be but I do plan on working to keep our relationship our first priority. As a child of divorced parents I feel pretty strongly that one of the best things you can do for your children is put time and energy into your relationship with your spouse.

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  • I've definitely been thinking about this. My DH and I actually took a class based on the book And Baby Makes Three by Dr. John Gottman, and while I can't speak to the book, the class was incredibly helpful. DH and I have been married just shy of two years, together for almost five, and friends since high school (so almost fifteen years), so I feel like we actually have pretty good communication/conflict resolution skills, and we've always had a great connection, so I wasn't sure how how helpful the class would be, but we were both really impressed. It sparked a lot of really great discussion, brought up some topics to think about, and gave some great pointers. If the book is anywhere near as good as the class, I highly recommend it (and if your hospital offers the class or one like it, take it!).

    One thing the instructor mentioned that I think is really important to remember, is that one of the best things you can do for your child is to have a strong relationship with your spouse. Not only is that child learning from you (how to treat a partner, conflict resolution, division of household labor, etc), but studies have shown that children from households where there is a lot of conflict/arguing/etc between parents have a lot more cortisol (the stress hormone) in their system. They don't heal as fast, they are more likely to get sick and stay sick longer - it actually has a physical effect on their health.

    The class goes over common hurdles parents of newborns face, ways to maintain your connection, important things to discuss prior to baby, etc. I really can't recommend it enough, especially if it's something you're nervous about! I know it made us feel a lot better and more prepared!

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