Blended Families

Anyone else have this problem/worried for nothing?

So quick backstory my SO has a 2.5 year old DD and 50/50 custody with BM.  He has pu/do mwf at 9 am and has had to do all of the driving for the last year even though it is in the CO that it is 50/50(because BM also had a line put in that father will do transportation until mother has a vehicle or access to a vehicle which she claims not to have so unfortunately theres nothing he can do).  So SO has been trying to find a new/higher paying job because things are really tight but he is only looking at second shift jobs which limits things.  The reason he is doing that is because he can't go into a job until 10 because of the pu/do schedule.  Does anyone else have a problem like this?

 

The other reason SO is worried is that he is afraid that if he has a full time job(he works full time hours right now but is part-time) that BM will be able to take some of his custody/visitation away when they go back to court next year(it is written into the CO they have to go back next year which is stupid but also actually necessary since theres been a lot of problems with the current CO and nothing school related is addressed in it).  BM does not work and although she will tell people that she needs to tell she is "looking" or wants to work she has made it very clear to SO that she has no intention to work.  She feels it is her right to be a SAHM and other people should support that financially(currently the welfare, system, child support and her parents who she lives with). She has also told this to mutual friends they had. She also had another child a few months after there divorce so it will be awhile before she has all her children in school.

 

So basically SO is worried that because she is home all the time and he is not able to be because of work that she will be able to get his custody reduced.  SO and I arrange work so that one of us is always home so she is never with babysitters or daycare but she is not with him 24/7 on his custody days although he tries to be as much as possible.  This is all definitely effecting us financially and is stressful so I'm just hoping maybe someone has been in a similar situation or can offer some advice or reassurance or something.  Thanks

 

ETA: SO also currently only has a high school diploma so he has mostly been able to only find minimum wage jobs(dropped out of college when BM found out she was pregnant) but is planning to go back in the fall but taking everything he can online.  This is another reason he is afraid for custody etc but I can't see how a judge would penalize him for trying to get an education right? 

 

 

Re: Anyone else have this problem/worried for nothing?

  • image emcmac87:

    BM does not work and although she will tell people that she needs to tell she is "looking" or wants to work she has made it very clear to SO that she has no intention to work.  She feels it is her right to be a SAHM and other people should support that financially(currently the welfare, system, child support and her parents who she lives with).

     

    So basically SO is worried that because she is home all the time and he is not able to be because of work that she will be able to get his custody reduced.  SO and I arrange work so that one of us is always home so she is never with babysitters or daycare but she is not with him 24/7 on his custody days although he tries to be as much as possible.  This is all definitely effecting us financially and is stressful so I'm just hoping maybe someone has been in a similar situation or can offer some advice or reassurance or something.  Thanks

     

    ETA: SO also currently only has a high school diploma so he has mostly been able to only find minimum wage jobs(dropped out of college when BM found out she was pregnant) but is planning to go back in the fall but taking everything he can online.  This is another reason he is afraid for custody etc but I can't see how a judge would penalize him for trying to get an education right? 

     

     



    I may have missed it, but have you tried to work it out with BM that you need an hour or two sooner for pick up? If not try it and make sure you have proof.

    So why would daycare decrease his custody rights? My SIL has 50/50 with her ex (he does not work) and she is not penalized because she needs to work and her 2 kids are in daycare during her time. Same should be for school.

    I have no clue on to much rewriting, but when I went in last both of us were grilled in front of each other. They started with me. Why was I not working to support my kids? Well, DH has a decent paying job, we are not reliant on assistance, and all bills are covered. I am taking classes part time, but that came up later when Ex said I just sat on my butt all day. lol You can tell he is not around an autistic child much. At that time, I had only 1 in school part days and 3 at home.

    Then she grilled him. How long has he been out of a job? (before we got divorced). And why has be not found a job in 5 years? Where do you live with no income? Why are you not in school so you can find a job easier? (that is where he attacked me and it came out that I was in school and the issues with my eldest).

    So he was caught in the why he has not found a job or school. I am told some just don't care and some do.

    I am sure there are more experienced people here, but I don't think a judge would penalize you for working full time and trying to create a better life in the long run for your family. They actually might see him in almost the same light as her if he is only working part time. I know that sounds bad, but I do believe that they are harder on males more than females. Call up FOC and talk to them. I am sure they would be willing to verify that he would not be penalized.
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    Baby #6 - Due date unknown until first ultrasound. Guess is December 1st.

  • Generally speaking if he has been consistent with taking his visits and is otherwise a fit parent and has a plan in place for child care (whether that's you or a sitter) for when he's working him working full time should be a non-issue as far asvisitation goes. 
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  • Please talk to your lawyer.  Each state is different.  And even if you have a poster in your state reply, their situation is going to be different (new laws/precedent, a judge who ignored the laws/precedent, etc). 

    This is why you do not do the big ticket items without a lawyer.  

    image
  • image emcmac87:

    The other reason SO is worried is that he is afraid that if he has a full time job(he works full time hours right now but is part-time) that BM will be able to take some of his custody/visitation away when they go back to court next year(it is written into the CO they have to go back next year which is stupid but also actually necessary since theres been a lot of problems with the current CO and nothing school related is addressed in it).  BM does not work and although she will tell people that she needs to tell she is "looking" or wants to work she has made it very clear to SO that she has no intention to work.  She feels it is her right to be a SAHM and other people should support that financially(currently the welfare, system, child support and her parents who she lives with). She has also told this to mutual friends they had. She also had another child a few months after there divorce so it will be awhile before she has all her children in school.

    So basically SO is worried that because she is home all the time and he is not able to be because of work that she will be able to get his custody reduced.  SO and I arrange work so that one of us is always home so she is never with babysitters or daycare but she is not with him 24/7 on his custody days although he tries to be as much as possible.  This is all definitely effecting us financially and is stressful so I'm just hoping maybe someone has been in a similar situation or can offer some advice or reassurance or something.  Thanks

    My XH tried to pull this in mediation when we were working out our custody agreement. He basically said that because his fiancee didn't work and I work full time, he should have custody. The mediator called bs immediately.  Working to provide for your child is the right thing to do, not a liability.

    It seems like they still try to guilt me for working through my DD. My stance is, "Do you want to pay my bills? No? Then buzz off."

  • To answer a couple questions no BM would not be willing to make any changes to the exchange time.  SO has never not taken time, missed a day etc and he was working second shift type hours(although part time) when the CO was put in place so I don't think they could argue that it suddenly isn't ok but you never know I guess.  Also I think SO is a little more afraid since he is the father not the mother.  As bad as it may sound some people seem to see it as if the mom has to work she is doing her best to support her family etc and if the dad is working he is ignoring/pawning off his kid.  Obv I don't agree with this but unfortunately it can be a concern. 

     

    image Ilumine:

    Please talk to your lawyer.  Each state is different.  And even if you have a poster in your state reply, their situation is going to be different (new laws/precedent, a judge who ignored the laws/precedent, etc). 

    This is why you do not do the big ticket items without a lawyer.  

     

    We currently do not have a lawyer but we will be getting one before we go back to court.  Unfortunately at the moment we are having trouble even making rent and have to pay off previous lawyer(who was not great and is the reason some of the CO hasn't been great) so finding the money for a lawyer is difficult but it is not written they go back to court until next year so we have a few months to figure it out.  There are also a looooot of things that need to be addressed/changed/whatever when they go back so a lawyer will definitely be retained whatever we have to do to get one and hopefully after this there will be less than a year and a half between modifications.

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