3rd Trimester

Depressed and Overwhelmed

I guess you could chalk it up to hormones, but I have been feeling so down lately. 

My fianc? and I are having problems - haven't spoken since Monday evening when he accused me of lecturing him.  He works nights / I work days so we usually touch base while I'm leaving work and he is on his way to work.  I just gave him the run-down of what we needed to accomplish in the next couple weeks, as we have our baby shower this weekend, my sister and her kids are coming into town, and then the following weekend we are supposed to be getting married in a small beach ceremony (which means we need our marriage license, rings, etc).  The getting married part is the problem - at this point it is purely for the sake of insurance.  We are spending no money on it at all and will have no guests (except for two witnesses).  He has taken no initiative in any of it, leaving all the planning up to me, but then gets upset about it.  I feel badly, but I really want to cancel the whole thing.  Honestly, the only reason I haven't yet is because the person who will be performing the ceremony is our friend's mother who is doing it for free and as a favor to us.  I feel horrible about her going out of her way for us...

Ugh, sorry to unload but I just needed to vent before my head explodes :(

 

Re: Depressed and Overwhelmed

  • That stinks!!  Be sure to talk soon before it festers and turns into something it was never meant to be.
  • If insurance is the only reason you are getting married, then I don't think it?s a great idea. It is a commitment that can really end badly for all involved...especially a child. I am sure that your friend's mom would understand. My best friend jumped into a marriage for all of the wrong reasons when they got pregnant, and it ended terribly. Her daughter suffered severely. I hope that for your sake and the sake of your unborn child, you think things through very carefully and do what is best for the two of you. But on the other hand, he needs to man up and understand what you are going through. These hormones are terrible. I hope you two can figure it all out. Good luck

  • If you are only getting married b/c of insurance reasons I really think you need to re-evaluate your situation.  You should be getting married b/c you want to share a life together, not b/c you want to save money on your insurance.

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  • Sorry you're having a hard time.  But don't make it harder by marrying someone you're already having problems with just for insurance.  At very least, the money you spend later on a divorce will exceed the insurance savings.
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  • So sorry it is such a difficult period...

    Horribly and ironically, I think getting married and having a baby, two of the most wonderful things to happen in life, are often so stressful, that t overshadows a lot of the excitement and happiness about it.

    I hope things calm down soon and you can relax for your and he baby's sakes and enjoy things more soon!

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  • I should have been more clear - we were engaged and planning on getting married prior to finding out we were pregnant.  The pregnancy has just placed more urgency on the timeline involved (due to the insurance factor - I am on a high deductible plan - $3,000).  We have been living together for just under 5 years and our schedules have always been in conflict, so we have an issue with timing and communication as it is.  The stresses of getting married (or not), pregnancy and the impending cost of delivery is just overwhelming to my hormonal brainy.

    Thank you all for your input.  I appreciate having you all to vent to.

     

  • image zenjenjen:

    I should have been more clear - we were engaged and planning on getting married prior to finding out we were pregnant.  The pregnancy has just placed more urgency on the timeline involved (due to the insurance factor - I am on a high deductible plan - $3,000).  We have been living together for just under 5 years and our schedules have always been in conflict, so we have an issue with timing and communication as it is.  The stresses of getting married (or not), pregnancy and the impending cost of delivery is just overwhelming to my hormonal brainy.

    Thank you all for your input.  I appreciate having you all to vent to.

    even in light of this additional information, I wouldn't get married.

    good luck to you.  

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  • I agree. Thank you.

     

  • image shelbell1028:
    If you are only getting married b/c of insurance reasons I really think you need to re-evaluate your situation.  You should be getting married b/c you want to share a life together, not b/c you want to save money on your insurance.

     

    This.....exactly.   I would try and have a serious sit down with your FI to make sure you are both on the same page and really want to be married to each other. 

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  • That does suck. 

    I planned our wedding by myself (and ended up having to re-plan our wedding due to circumstances out of our control). Fortunately, my husband didn't have too much input. 

    Honestly, though, no matter how big or small a wedding is...it's always stressful. I would probably tell him that if he isn't going to take an initiative with the planning and getting things done, then he can shut up about it. If he's leaving it to you, then he's leaving it to you. He can't really have his cake and eat it, too.

    Regardless, I hope that it goes well. Things should calm down and be back to normal afterward.
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  • It sounds like some couples' counseling to work on your communication skills with each other might be helpful; ideally before the wedding, but even if you go ahead with it, I would seriously consider it before your LO gets here.

    There is also an awesome program, "Baby Makes 3" that I highly recommend. It's all about keeping your relationship strong post-baby. I took it with my husband, and we both expected it to be incredibly cheesy, but it was actually very helpful and thought-provoking, and started some great discussions. 

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  • SO much of what you're experiencing right now can add stress to any couple's relationship. Planning a wedding can be stressful on its own. Preparing for a baby can be stressful on its own. When you combine the two and throw in some financial concerns, it's bound to take its toll on the relationship. That doesn't mean that it has to be the end of anything, but it certainly does mean that it'll take the two of you a lot of focused effort to make sure you get back on the same page before LO arrives. Maybe that means putting off the wedding until after baby arrives. I'm sure you want nothing more than to provide your LO with a loving home where he/she feels secure and supported. I hope you two are able to work through this difficult time and come out in the end with what will be best for everyone involved, including that new LO. 
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