Blended Families

Step parents and discipline

I am really struggling lately with FI's role in my son's life.  This is one of the many reasons I resent BD so much.  I hate having to rely on FI to help me with DS.  I hate having a man who isn't his father in that role and disciplining him.  I am grateful for the help but it just is so hard to accept.  For example yesterday my son told him, "you are so mean."  Which he is only three so he says stuff like that sometimes.  And my FI responded somewhat harshly to him and said I don't like you talking to me that way.  Which I guess is fine, but it's really hard for me to listen to him talk to MY son that way.  Like I said I am grateful to have him there.  I just don't know if I'll ever stop wishing it was his real dad there.  Did anyone else experience this?
"How often does the other woman get a happy ending?" Chuck Bass, Gossip Girl

Re: Step parents and discipline

  • No, but I was over my ex before I kicked him out. You are not over your ex....so of course any other relationship is going to be difficult.
    Stay at Home Mama to 3 Beautiful Children by the miracles of Birth & Adoption
  • I kinda gotta agree with mom2one.

    Also, you need to think long and hard about if you really want to be in a serious relationship. This is what its all about - being engaged and being a family like that means your FI will be a parent figure to your DS. That means he will be around for all the fun stuff but will eventually have to discipline and correct your DS when he is behaving badly. I understand the immediate feeling of "don't talk to my kid like that" but being in a serious relationship means you will be hading over some control.

    Also, I never wish that it was my DS's BF there. Ever. Because I don't want him anymore. You need to get over him before being in a serious relationship, but people have been telling you this for months and you don't listen.

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  • This is why we all told you to break up with FI well over a year ago. You are not at peace with your breakup and have no business being in a relationship. FI is your rebound and if you were in love with him and not your ex you could move on. I do think it is normal and ok to wish that your son did not have a blended family but not to wish you were still with your ex. And part of you expected your ex to come back to you when him and his GF broke up and it did not happen.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • If my H ever thought he would rather have BM there at any point in our relationship I would have GTFO. This doesn't sound like a step parenting issue, this is a not over your ex issue.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

  • I'm the SM - but my DH thanks me for all I do for my SS, this includes discipline!  I treat SS exactly the way I treat SD1 & 2 in my house.  They all have chores, they all have rules, and they all receive discipline when necessary.  I also do homework with SS and work out plans to improve his grades.

    And my DH would NEVER want the person in our home working with SS to be BM.  His marriage was a mess and they parted ways for a reason - neither wants to be with the other!

    You need to work on your problems before you have another wrecked relationship - this affects your DS greatly.  You can not have men walking in and out of his life! 

  • You are my freaking husband.  And I was (and could still) divorce my husband over this very thing....

    Your FI is FINANCIALLY, MORALLY AND LEGALLY responsible for the child living under his roof and you resent him for telling your special snowflake that his (DS) words hurt his (FI) feelings.  

    If you cant allow your FI, the man you supposedly love and want to partner with for the rest of your life, to tell your child that his actions are hurtful how in the hell are you going to allow teachers and coaches and other adults to do so.

    You annoy me.  

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  • image Ilumine:

    You are my freaking husband.  And I was (and could still) divorce my husband over this very thing....

    Your FI is FINANCIALLY, MORALLY AND LEGALLY responsible for the child living under his roof and you resent him for telling your special snowflake that his (DS) words hurt his (FI) feelings.  

    If you cant allow your FI, the man you supposedly love and want to partner with for the rest of your life, to tell your child that his actions are hurtful how in the hell are you going to allow teachers and coaches and other adults to do so.

    You annoy me.  

    Illumine for the win.

    image

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  • I have no problem with DH disciplining either of the kids. I would have no problem with DH responding as your FI did in the situation described. 

    There have been moments when I've been a bit sad for DS that he's growing up in a BF, but DH is 10x the man/husband/father that XH is. So it's the best thing for all parties. 

    PPs are correct about the reason why this bugs you. 

    my read shelf:
    Erin's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • image Ilumine:

    You are my freaking husband.  And I was (and could still) divorce my husband over this very thing....

    Your FI is FINANCIALLY, MORALLY AND LEGALLY responsible for the child living under his roof and you resent him for telling your special snowflake that his (DS) words hurt his (FI) feelings.  

    If you cant allow your FI, the man you supposedly love and want to partner with for the rest of your life, to tell your child that his actions are hurtful how in the hell are you going to allow teachers and coaches and other adults to do so.

    You annoy me.  

    BWAHAHAHAHA You're awesome.

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  • I realize I am new and I do not have the issues some of you have with your ex's. Still, why are you with your FI? The way I view things (and it could just be me) is I come as a package deal. You take on me, you take on my kids too. It goes the other way too. I do not demand the boys call him daddy (they do by choice). They can call him by his first name or any appropriate name. But I do expect them to obey him and treat him as an extension of myself. He is my partner.

    Now, things may have worked out different if my kids were older, but they aren't. The youngest was just over a year when he met DH.

    Sounds like you want someone there, but someone not to actually be a partner. I think you have some issues to work out with yourself before you have any business being with someone.


    DS1 - 6/07
    DS2 - 8/08
    DS3- 9/09
    DD1 - 11/11
    DD2 - 10/13
    Baby #6 - Due December 5th.

  • image AlwaysForgetful:
    I realize I am new and I do not have the issues some of you have with your ex's. Still, why are you with your FI? The way I view things (and it could just be me) is I come as a package deal. You take on me, you take on my kids too. It goes the other way too. I do not demand the boys call him daddy (they do by choice). They can call him by his first name or any appropriate name. But I do expect them to obey him and treat him as an extension of myself. He is my partner.

    Now, things may have worked out different if my kids were older, but they aren't. The youngest was just over a year when he met DH.

    Sounds like you want someone there, but someone not to actually be a partner. I think you have some issues to work out with yourself before you have any business being with someone.


  • image AlwaysForgetful:
    I realize I am new and I do not have the issues some of you have with your ex's. Still, why are you with your FI? The way I view things (and it could just be me) is I come as a package deal. You take on me, you take on my kids too. It goes the other way too. I do not demand the boys call him daddy (they do by choice). They can call him by his first name or any appropriate name. But I do expect them to obey him and treat him as an extension of myself. He is my partner.

    Now, things may have worked out different if my kids were older, but they aren't. The youngest was just over a year when he met DH.

    Sounds like you want someone there, but someone not to actually be a partner. I think you have some issues to work out with yourself before you have any business being with someone.


  • image AlwaysForgetful:
    I realize I am new and I do not have the issues some of you have with your ex's. Still, why are you with your FI? The way I view things (and it could just be me) is I come as a package deal. You take on me, you take on my kids too. It goes the other way too. I do not demand the boys call him daddy (they do by choice). They can call him by his first name or any appropriate name. But I do expect them to obey him and treat him as an extension of myself. He is my partner.

    Now, things may have worked out different if my kids were older, but they aren't. The youngest was just over a year when he met DH.

    Sounds like you want someone there, but someone not to actually be a partner. I think you have some issues to work out with yourself before you have any business being with someone.


    I don't know what just happened, it posted the quote twice... weird.

    Anyway, I agree completely with this. This is exactly how I view my partner - as an extension of myself.  Anything less would cause inevitable conflict.  We have to be a team just like an intact pair of parents should be a team.

  • image MelRC117:
    If my H ever thought he would rather have BM there at any point in our relationship I would have GTFO. This doesn't sound like a step parenting issue, this is a not over your ex issue.

    Yeah, I'd flip sh!t if I thought DH was thinking along those lines.

    Louis Tomlinson Smiley
    Bonus Mom to the Bean: June '06
  • No, I have not experienced this. I have, however, wished at times that DH was DS's BD and that BD wasn't in the picture. This is because I am 100% in love with DH and 100% over BD.

    You are not ready for a relationship, much less an engagement. ffs

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  • What exactly did he say to your ds?

  • image dmndsr4eva:
    I am really struggling lately with FI's role in my son's life.  This is one of the many reasons I resent BD so much.  I hate having to rely on FI to help me with DS.  I hate having a man who isn't his father in that role and disciplining him.  I am grateful for the help but it just is so hard to accept.  For example yesterday my son told him, "you are so mean."  Which he is only three so he says stuff like that sometimes.  And my FI responded somewhat harshly to him and said I don't like you talking to me that way.  Which I guess is fine, but it's really hard for me to listen to him talk to MY son that way.  Like I said I am grateful to have him there.  I just don't know if I'll ever stop wishing it was his real dad there.  Did anyone else experience this?

    Your poor fianc?. Can he really be that blind to not know you are still mentally in a relationship with your X? 

    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
  • I agree with everyone else, esp. Ilumine.  
  • At what point do you say to yourself..."they can't ALL be wrong?".

     

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