August 2012 Moms

A little hypothetical to fire the place up

I found out today that my co-worker is getting a divorce from her husband of 6 years because he does not want to have a child. This was not a surprise to any of us, because he had a vasectomy years before they even got married and had said repeatedly that he didn't want kids. She thought he would change his mind. She finally realized that he is not going to have a child with her because he plain just doesn't want to raise a child. She plans on becoming a single mom with a donor. I say you go girl!!

My question to you all, which obviously is a far stretch for us to relate since we all have babies, but say this was another life, or years before you met your DH/SO. And the person you were seeing did not want children, is that a dealbreaker for you, even if everything else is perfect? Would you marry that person anyway, in hopes that time will change his mind?

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Re: A little hypothetical to fire the place up

  • For me, that's a dealbreaker. I have always wanted to have a baby, and luckily, DH was always one to want a child, at the right time, as well. But if he had said he didn't want kids, I wouldn't even waste my time. Becoming a mother is what I was made to do, and I would not let anyone keep me from that. Having my own flesh and blood is more important than a man, to me.
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  • No, I would not marry someone in that situation.  

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  • I think that would be a deal breaker for me but honestly I'd probably stay in the relationship way longer than I should. I tend to think people will change their mind.

    My mom had always wanted kids and my dad was adamant that he never did. They got married and a few years later, he changed his mind. That was a HUGE risk for her to take and one I don't know that I'd be willing to take.
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  • That would have been a deal breaker for me. Being a mom is all I ever wanted to do.

    A friend of mine is dealing with something similar. She and her husband tried for the better part of a decade and were in the midst of trying to adopt when he decided slash realized that he didn't want kids. That was really, really tough for her because she wants kids so badly. But they are working through it.
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  • It wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, but I definitely wouldn't marry someone like that in hopes that he would change his mind.  There are certain things that I think need to be agreed upon before getting married, and whether or not to have kids is one of them.
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  • image Neener73:
    It wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, but I definitely wouldn't marry someone like that in hopes that he would change his mind.  There are certain things that I think need to be agreed upon before getting married, and whether or not to have kids is one of them.

    exactly this. 


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  • It's a deal breaker for me. I dated a guy for a few months in college whom I really had a lot of fun with. He brought me out of my comfort zone physically [not talking sex], we were spontaneous, and we had really long philosophical talks. Though I didn't really date him long enough to get the chance to think about long term relationship stuff with him, one of our long talks was about relationships and kids and he said he, at the age of 23, had already discussed with a doctor about getting a vasectomy and that he couldn't see himself having kids. I could understand the reasoning he gave but my relationship with him fizzled within weeks after that partly because my subconscious was saying I had no future with him because he didn't want kids and I wanted at least one. With previous long term boyfriends I hadn't given kids much thought, but that experience ultimately decided for me how I felt about the subject.

  • It's a deal breaker for me. One of my good friends does not want children, and that fact has been a deal breaker for her in past relationships.
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  • That wasn't a deal breaker for me for a long time. DH and I were both kond of iffy on kids and thought we'd be fine without them. Then when MIL got sick, DH just had this total change of heart about it. He wanted kids and I said "works for me" and that was that.

    I think I always knew I wanted kids, but I was fine if it didn't happen. Now I'm obsessed with my kid and can't believe what I would have missed out on.
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  • Deal breaker.

    Interesting fact I learned: The Catholic Church won't give you their blessing to marry if one wants kids and the other one doesn't.

    Eta: wanted to add that I've only been catholic for 5 years and was surprised by their marriage process; compatibility test and marriage couseling. The marriage counselors gave the priest the green light that we could get married. I thought that was interesting.


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  • Definitely a deal breaker.
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  • ccamccam
    5000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
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    Deal breaker

    ___________________________________________________________________________

    Trying for #1 since May 2010   l   DX ~ Unexplained Infertility June 2011

    IUI #1&2 = BFN; IUI #3 = BFP, m/c @ 6 weeks

    November '11 ~ IVF#1 ~ ER 11/18 (29R, 17F) ~ 5dt of one beautiful blast on 11/23 = BFP!!

    Beta #1 9dp5dt = 116, P4 = 28 ~ Beta #2 13dp5dt = 700 ~ Beta #3 20dp5dt = 9500, P4 = 26

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    Sweet baby boy born 8.18.12

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  • You know, I am not sure it would have been a deal breaker for me. I love my children, but I became a mom at 17. I think I will always wonder what life would have been like without kids.
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  • It would be a deal breaker.
    I don't see the point in marrying someone who isn't on the same page in terms of religion, educational goals or family expectations. I went on two dates with a guy who thought the arts were a waste and college wasn't worth it. His aunt set us up and it was painfully obvious it wouldn't work out. We went out again at her insistence a year after our first date and it was awful. At the time I was a year into my masters program for costume design.
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  • Deal breaker. All I have ever wanted was to be a mother.
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  • Deal breaker for sure. Kids were HIGH on the priority list.
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  • If I wanted kids and the other person wasn't even open to the idea, deal breaker. People's minds can change, if they're open, but not if they're forced.
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  • This was almost me. Hubs didn't want any kids because he had to be daddy growing up for his younger 4 siblings. For a very long time, I told him either you change your mind or we're done. He had no issues just raising Neneas his own. I told him that was no deal. I wanted another. My boy. He realized I so serious and agreed to one. We know are a happy family of 4.
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  • Deal breaker for sure! I have always wanted to be a mom.
  • That would be a deal breaker for me, in my heart I would feel like someone was missing in my life. I would become single and adopt a child.
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  • MoFreeMoFree
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    It would have been a deal breaker . When conception didn't come naturally DH and I had some major differences in terms of pursuing treatment. He was very resistant to IVF for no obvious reason except fear. We nearly broke up over this issue.
    TTC since 3-08 IVF # 1 Dec 2011 BFP DD born at 31 weeks 6-24-12

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    No more frosties

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    PGD yielded 2 perfect 5d blasts

    SET November 9, 2014
    Nov 23, 2014. Another BFN

    Not sure where to go from here.

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  • It wouldn't have been for me.  DH made me want to have kids.  Not as-in, he told me I needed to want to have kids, but seeing him as a dad, and imagining having a family with him made me want to have kids, KWIM?  Before I met him, I wasn't sure I wanted to have kids.

    If however, I knew I wanted kids, and was dating someone who didn't I wouldn't have married them thinking that they'd change.  What a wasted 6 years for this woman.

    DH and I married 8 years. Mom of three, stepmom of one.

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  • No, it would not have been a deal breaker for me.  
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  • Total dealbreaker. I mean that is far to large of an issue to compromise one. If you wanted a kid and your SO didn't you would forever be wondering what if and eventually there would  be resentment.
  • image Saltylove:

    image Neener73:
    It wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, but I definitely wouldn't marry someone like that in hopes that he would change his mind.  There are certain things that I think need to be agreed upon before getting married, and whether or not to have kids is one of them.

    exactly this. 



    Agree. I think before baby, I would've been fine either having kids or not. DH is the one who really wanted them. Now I'm really glad to have DD and we want a second, but if he had decided he was against kids, I think I would've been ok with it.
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  • Deal breaker for me, but I have a friend in that situation, and she has been on-again/off-again with the guy for years now.  They love each other and are really great together, but he didn't want kids, and she broke up with him, and then he changed his mind, so they got back together, but she's unsure about whether he truly changed his mind or just wanted to get back together, so they broke up again, but can't stay away from each other, so now they're back together again and I'm not sure what the status is on the potential kid thing because we're all tired of talking about it :)

    On another note, if I wanted a kid and hadn't found the right guy yet and was financially stable and getting older, I would totally have a kid on my own.  I wouldn't want to be 50 years old and regret not being a mom just because I hadn't found the right guy. 

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  • Total deal breaker for me.  I wouldn't have married my husband if he didn't want kids.
  • Dealbreaker. The only thing I ever FOR SURE wanted to do in my life was be a mom. I don't believe in one person being able to change another. I have said it before I will say it again. Especially in this case. He already had a vasectomy and she still thought he would change his mind??? I think that is borderline crazy.
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  • image jodegaard:
    No, I would not marry someone in that situation.nbsp;nbsp;
    . This. If they stated they didn't want kids, why would I expect them to change their mind???
    lolololo
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