Loss

Missing work + DH vent

So this is the 2nd day I've been home from work. Last week I missed a day. The closer I get to the due date, the harder it is for me to be strong. I am covered by FMLA right now, so I"m not worried about that part. I am worried about how long this lasts. I went back back to work 4 weeks after Astrid was born on 4/15/13. It wasn't until a bad day in June that I missed any work. Then a month later on July 11th. Now these two days this week. Her EDD is next Friday. I did plan ahead and I have taken a full week of PTO to get through next week. But what about after that? It seems unrealistic that I will magically feel better once I get past July 26th? I just hate that I felt like I was okay-ish until last week. 

Hubby was super unsupportive today too...and that has me doubly upset. I called him on the way home and said I couldn't do it today and he said, "You just have to be strong and deal with it" and I lashed out, "Why do I always have to be strong? I just want to be told I don't have to be strong all the time!" I then told him about the woman who came to my cube today to talk about her cell phone service that was rubbing her hands up and down her huge pregnant belly while talking to me and how that was a trigger for me today. He goes (sarcastically), "Yeah no one else should ever allowed to be pregnant." What the f**k? That is NOT what I'm saying. Then he follows it up with, "It's what PG women do--you just have to deal with it" So now i'm upset not only because I miss Astrid, but also because my husband is an @ss
I'm upset, sad, angry, heartbroken. I don't know how to keep doing this right now.
BFP # 1 11/2011, MC 12/2011 
BFP #2 11/2012, Delivered at 21 weeks on 3/16/13 due to complications with bilateral renal agenesis. 
~~Missing Astrid Lynne~~
BFP#3: 09/2013, EDD 5/14/14

Lilypie - (9zLl)
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Re: Missing work + DH vent

  • I'm so sorry. Men honestly don't get the mom connection like us ladies get. We love our babies from the minuite we know we are pregnant dads love their babies when they hold them for the first time. Now that truly is no excuse for your DH to be an Asshattt!! But I have to sometimes remember that men are so different then us woman are. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this it sucks. I would try hard to kind of look the other way when pregnant woman are around you. My sister in law got pregnant literally the week after our DD died and she rubbed it in my face all the time. Maybe to her she wasn't doing that but to me it hurt like crazy. 

    Huge hugs!!!!

    Heather

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  • Big hugs to you. Milestones are so hard and your loss is so new so please be gentle with yourself. The build up to the milestone is really hard too. There is no magic time that you will be all better and you will forever be changed by the loss of Astrid but my hope for you is that things get more manageable for you as the days go by and that you learn to live with your new normal.

    As many ladies here will say, husbands handle grief differently. He lost a child too but it's very different for a man because they didn't carry the baby. Being at work can be great because it can distract you but also hard because of the triggers and people will do and say things that can be really hurtful. Perhaps having a sit down with your husband and explaining to him what you need from him might help. Losing a child is hard enough but everything else that comes along with it is so hard too and even if you and your husband are handling things differently he needs to know where you are coming from as best as he can and visa versa. Attending a couples therapy session with someone who specializes in pregnancy loss might also be helpful if you haven't done that already. I am almost a year out from when we lost our daughter and we still have days where we get angry at each other about handling things about it but talking it out has helped tremendously.  You will be in my thoughts.

  • ***SIGGY WARNING***

     

    When we lost Devon last year, I was amazed at just how differently H and I dealt with his loss. I knew it would be different, but H had seemingly moved on after just a few days. We got into this huge fight in October because he didn't understand why I didn't want to be around his pregnant cousin. I was really hurt that he assumed I would have moved completely on in just a matter of weeks, that he expected me to be moved on and healed. We had many lengthy discussions - and some counseling - to reconnect again and for him to truly get what I was going through.

    Please do take your time with healing and getting through Astrid's EDD. Milestones - especially big ones like EDDs - are so tough to get through. It's been 11 months since I lost Devon, and I still have bad days where I stay home and just lock myself away. The bad days will still come, but my hope is that your bad days start to be outweighed by good. Know that we're here for you always; I'll be thinking of you. *hugs* 

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  • I'm sorry sweetie. The work thing, just go day by day. It's been a while since I've had to take time off because of Ana, but I know there might be a day I need too, and that's ok. (Like her birthday and so on).

    As for H, we all deal with grief a different way. Maybe he's just agitated because he's having a hard time too and doesn't know what to say?

    ((((hugs)))))

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  • (((HUGS))) you don't have to be strong all the time!  "Sometimes it's okay if the only thing you did today was breathe"  I am sorry your DH is having a hard time understanding and supporting you.  PPs gave some great advice and I agree that counseling may be something to explore.  
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  • I am so sorry you are dealing with all of these hard things.

    my dh totally does not get my anger and sadness over other people's pregnancies/newborns either....it can be so frustrating because all I want him to say is, "that really sucks, I'm sorry." And instead he goes into how it is their blessing and we have to be happy for them and that people are just going to keep getting pregnant...while all of that is true that's not what I need when I am super upset.   

    ((Hugs)) 

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    I'm so sorry you're having a hard time.  Do you have a good relationship with your boss?  Can you sit down with him or her and explain that the EDD is coming up and you're having a hard time.  I'm assuming people at your work know what happened, but unfortunately the further one is from the tragedy, the easier they move on.  Most people probably are not aware that your EDD is coming up, or even that it would be hard for you (though I roll my eyes at that one...even if someone hasn't been through it, how could anyone not know it would be hard???).

    Everyone tells me the days leading up to the EDD are harder than the actual day and beyond.  I've found that to be true of other sad anniversaries.  The first few years after I lost my mom, my heart knew we were approaching that anniversary, and I instantly felt better afterward.  However I too question if I will feel better after....since after the due date, our babies should be here.  Seems like I'll be more sad thinking, she should be home with us now, she should be a month old now, etc.

    But try to focus on getting through the next week and a half and deal with the after affects later.  I've missed quite a bit of work here and there since coming back, and I had 6 weeks off.  I'm sure I realized before, but we have the same EDD.  I had planned on taking it off too, but I had to miss work yesterday and today and I just can't push it by taking that day off too. 

    Also, I totally feel for you about your H.  Mine just doesn't get it sometimes.  I was complaining about everyone at work talking very loudly about this woman on our floor who had had her baby.  She and I were the only two pregnant ones on our floor and she was just a month ahead of me.  You'd think when one of the two women has their baby, and the other lost hers, maybe they'd use some discretion and not talk about it so loudly in front of me.  I vented to MH and he said people cannot walk on eggshells around me forever.  I wasn't looking for a rational answer, I wanted sympathy.  Men always think they have to solve the problem when really we just want them to listen and say wow, what b!tches.

    My thoughts will be with you next Friday, I hope you can find some peace once the date passes.  Hugs!

    Lilypie - (fm2j)

    Lilypie - (YesX)

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