Sorry- this is very long.
My husband and I had a loss 5 years ago and it was really tough. No one knew until years later (except a couple close friends.) This time around we told family and close friends very early. We were excited and I knew that if anything happened I didn't want us to be alone in it again. I'm glad we did. 'Cause it did happen again.
The 14th things started going wrong. There was mild spotting. I took a nap and my husband was worried because I was moaning in my sleep like I do when terribly ill. I woke up sooo sick. He took care of me- carrying me upstairs to bed, putting on the fan, making me tea. It's so sweet- he takes such good care of me- like he would have taken care of our child. He deserves a child. :_(
I lost it on the 15th. I had been spotting a little, so I called the doctor and made an appointment. I was too scared to pee all day 'cause of the spotting. When I finally did there was a mucus and something the size of a pea. I just saw the tons of blood and freaked out. I called to tell them I was coming in NOW. I was a mess. I couldn't stop crying in the office. I tried to calm myself and breathe, but it was hard. I feel awful for the poor pregnant women sitting there awkwardly trying not to hear the girl weeping. Then the sharp, unbearable cramps started. I nearly passed out. They took me in and my blood pressure was 140/80 I was so upset. They had me use the restroom before the ultrasound and the nurse could hear me crying in there. There was nothing there but the lining by the time I had the ultrasound. The doctor tried to be positive, and I tried to calm myself, but I guess I just knew better.
My husband and I are devastated and our family is crushed. Everyone was really excited.
I have a tendency to get attached very quickly. I teach and I get very fond of my students quickly and miss them during school breaks. I miss all the kids I've babysat and it's hard being away from my cousins' kids. Even though both pregnancies ended very early, I'm crushed. It was our baby. Our child. And it's dead.
I just feel like suck. A lovely, lovely friend in a different state sent flowers and all I could do was cry because they were alive, unlike my baby. My husband was holding our puppy like an infant and I couldn't stand looking at it (though that was one way he was coping and normally I find it adorable.) We didn't mean to start rearranging the house in preparation until 3rd trimester, but our instincts kicked in, so I see the changes around the house and it hurts. I usually love seeing my baby cousins' pictures on facebook, but this morning it was bitter-sweet. They are lovely, but I want mine back too.
I have been soooo sick. I can't sleep or eat at all. My whole body hurts so bad. The cramps are unbearable. It's bad enough to hurt so much emotionally, but to hurt so much physically too is just not fair.
My husband was so excited to be a father. He spent all 4th of July playing with a group of 20 kids- all under the age of 7. He has really been looking forward to this. And so have I.
Luckily most of the family have just talked about how hard it is and how terrible it feels, but it was briefly mentioned that dreaded "it wasn't meant to be." At one point. I know usually I do feel that way about things later down the road, but right now it's just pain. Plus this was a really great time- a bunch of my friends are pregnant, so we've been talking and two of our cousins are pregnant- one due February and the other was even the same week as me. I feel worried for them. Loosing mine is horrible enough, I would be so sad if anything happened to them too. :(
I'm so angry too. I want it back. It's mine and it's ours and no one and nothing had any right to take if from us.
Sigh, I'm just so sad. :_(