Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Heartbroken

Sorry- this is very long.  

My husband and I had a loss 5 years ago and it was really tough. No one knew until years later (except a couple close friends.) This time around we told family and close friends very early. We were excited and I knew that if anything happened I didn't want us to be alone in it again. I'm glad we did. 'Cause it did happen again.

The 14th things started going wrong. There was mild spotting. I took a nap and my husband was worried because I was moaning in my sleep like I do when terribly ill. I woke up sooo sick. He took care of me- carrying me upstairs to bed, putting on the fan, making me tea. It's so sweet- he takes such good care of me- like he would have taken care of our child. He deserves a child. :_(

I lost it on the 15th. I had been spotting a little, so I called the doctor and made an appointment. I was too scared to pee all day 'cause of the spotting. When I finally did there was a mucus and something the size of a pea. I just saw the tons of blood and freaked out. I called to tell them I was coming in NOW. I was a mess. I couldn't stop crying in the office. I tried to calm myself and breathe, but it was hard. I feel awful for the poor pregnant women sitting there awkwardly trying not to hear the girl weeping. Then the sharp, unbearable cramps started. I nearly passed out. They took me in and my blood pressure was 140/80 I was so upset. They had me use the restroom before the ultrasound and the nurse could hear me crying in there. There was nothing there but the lining by the time I had the ultrasound. The doctor tried to be positive, and I tried to calm myself, but I guess I just knew better.

My husband and I are devastated and our family is crushed. Everyone was really excited.

I have a tendency to get attached very quickly. I teach and I get very fond of my students quickly and miss them during school breaks. I miss all the kids I've babysat and it's hard being away from my cousins' kids. Even though both pregnancies ended very early, I'm crushed. It was our baby. Our child. And it's dead.

I just feel like suck. A lovely, lovely friend in a different state sent flowers and all I could do was cry because they were alive, unlike my baby. My husband was holding our puppy like an infant and I couldn't stand looking at it (though that was one way he was coping and normally I find it adorable.) We didn't mean to start rearranging the house in preparation until 3rd trimester, but our instincts kicked in, so I see the changes around the house and it hurts. I usually love seeing my baby cousins' pictures on facebook, but this morning it was bitter-sweet. They are lovely, but I want mine back too. 

I have been soooo sick. I can't sleep or eat at all. My whole body hurts so bad. The cramps are unbearable. It's bad enough to hurt so much emotionally, but to hurt so much physically too is just not fair.  

My husband was so excited to be a father. He spent all 4th of July playing with a group of 20 kids- all under the age of 7. He has really been looking forward to this. And so have I.

Luckily most of the family have just talked about how hard it is and how terrible it feels, but it was briefly mentioned that dreaded "it wasn't meant to be." At one point. I know usually I do feel that way about things later down the road, but right now it's just pain. Plus this was a really great time- a bunch of my friends are pregnant, so we've been talking and two of our cousins are pregnant- one due February and the other was even the same week as me. I feel worried for them. Loosing mine is horrible enough, I would be so sad if anything happened to them too. :(  

I'm so angry too. I want it back. It's mine and it's ours and no one and nothing had any right to take if from us.  

Sigh, I'm just so sad. :_( 

Re: Heartbroken

  • I'm so sorry for your loss. This is such a heartbreaking thing. I too get attached very quickly and my DH loves little kids too. We both took our MC really hard and some days it's still hard to believe my baby is gone. I cried a lot the first few days, and just wanted my baby back.

    The ladies on this board are so supportive. It's been 3 weeks since my MC and things have gotten better. I hope that with time you will be able to find the comfort you need. Until then it is okay to cry and to grieve. [hugs]
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Me: 28, DH: 28 | Married 2/9/13
    BFP #1: 5/22/13 | EDD 2/1/14 | MMC confirmed 6/27/13 | Natural MC 6/28/13
    BFP#2: 12/15/13 |
    Elinor Sadie born 8/10/14
    My Blog: kountingsheep.com

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  • I am so sorry for your loss Bunnycakes. When these things happen it is never fair. Just know you can grieve in whatever way for how ever long, there is no right anwser. Although time never takes away the pain, it does get easier with time. Even so, when it first happens its like you never see down the road to feeling better again. I hope your able to find your peace with it all and hope that you guys get your rainbow baby soon. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Im glad you have your family this time to support you. I know they have been such a great support for me. This forum has been equally as helpful to me in my healing process. I dont know anyone personally who has gone through a miscarriage so its helpful to talk to those who do. I also know how you feel when it comes to having someone close to you be pregnant and at the same as you. My cousins gf is pregnant and is due 2 days after i would have been due. Its hard for me to know every milestone they have will be a reminder but at the same time im happy for them and hope for the best for them, that its all smooth sailing for them. Just remember its ok to grieve and be sad that you dont have ur baby and be happy at the same time for those around you even though its hard. Many hugs to you!!!

    Married my best friend 4/19/2013

    BFP #1: April 12 2013 w/ EDD Dec 23, 2013, MC May 31, 2013

    BFP #2: August 30 2013 w/ EDD May 20, 2014, MC Sept 27,2013

    We will always miss you Angel babies Rue and Seahorse! Until we meet again

    photo december1_thumb.jpgimagephoto mayloss_thumb.jpg

    BFP #3: November 25, 2013 w/ EDD July 31,2014 (acc. to OB) - A/S went great! Go baby go!

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    baby development

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    All AL WELCOME

  • So very sorry for your loss. Sending lots of hugs to you and your DH. This is a horrible and heartbreaking experience, indeed. <3   
  • I'm so, so sorry for your loss.  I will be hoping and praying that your heart can begin to heal from this terrible experience in the near future.  I have been there.  I'm so sorry. {{HUGS}}

    3T  Siggy Challenge:  "Having a worse day than you."
    (this is a typical day of a TB mod)

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    "You're just jealous 'cause the voices don't talk to you."


    RUMBERA: 35+ Current DX: Recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL)
    DH: 40+  Diabetic, SA excellent.

    03/2012: Diagnosis: Low progesterone. Prometrium added,
    11/2012: MRI: 3 fibroids.  Myomectomy not recommended.
    01/2013: Blood work normal. HSG: All clear.
    03/2013: Diagnosis: "Unexplained Infertility"
    05/2013: Hysteroscopy & D&C.  Biopsy: "early polyp formation."
    05/2013: Bravelle + Menopur injections.
    05/25/13  IUI w/4 follies: BFN. 
    06/21/13  IUI#2 w/2 follies: BFP.
    08/20/13  MC #5 @ 9 weeks.  D&E performed, Chromosomes:perfectly normal female.  Fibroid the culprit.
    10/09/13  Robotic myomectomy - successful removal of 10cm posterior fibroid!
    10/10/13  BENCHED for post surgical healing of ute.   Getting healthy for Dec IUI.
    12/06/13  Bravelle + Menopur + Ganirelix + Ovidrel + IUI  + >3 follies =  cp
    01/06/14  Another IUI round with injects for super-O.
    01/17/14  Bravelle + Menopure + Ganirelix + Ovidrel + 3 follies = BFN
    01/30/14  Self-benched to get healthy for IVF
    03/04/14  Screwed over by insurance.   No IVF coverage.
    03/12/14  Hail Mary B2B IUI's with 2 follies=BFFN
    3/25/14  IVF scheduled for the fall, October-ish because 100% OOP.   Cancelled our stim cycle.


    ~~~~~~~~  EVERYONE IS WELCOME  ~~~~~~~~

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  • For me one miscarriage has been horrible so I cannot imagine how you must feel. I am so sorry for your lost and glad your family is trying to be supportive. It does get better. Just the few days I have been on this board, I feel welcomed and feel tons and tons better.
    Colty Bug's Mommy
  • I'm so sorry for your losses. These miscarriages suck. Big hugs to you! Thoughts and prayers are with you.

    BFP 06/05/2013 | EDD 02/10/2014 | D&C 07/12/2013
  • I am so sorry for your loss and for your sadness. These are terrible times and we never think it will be "us" in this situation...even when you feel in your gut something is not right. I haven't found myself as angry yet but I found that just about everything I do reminds me of something that I did while pregnant and preparing for baby. I went to the store with DH yesterday and all I could think of was "Last time I went here it was to pick up prenatal vitamins..." Then a pharmacy today for post DC meds and all I could think was "last time I was in this aisle I was buying a pregnancy test..." and the list goes on. Everything reminds me of something, even if it is small. Last night I stumbled across the little sign I had made for when we made an announcement. It was a chalkboard that said "Baby W**** Due Feb 2014" - we were going to have our pup hold it up. It was heartbreaking and I couldn't bear to erase it. It just seemed like it was all over so fast. We found out almost 5 weeks ago and our lives had already changed. DH feels he was so ready and his mind was so focused on these new things and now is so confused finding himself back to where he started. My heart breaks for him and for you and your DH. It isn't fair. 

    Thinking of you and your hub and sending your hugs.  

    Pregnancy Ticker
  • Thank you so much everyone. It's still hard. :( I've gone to the doctor several times and getting the Rh shot today. Every time I go in I remember how I was sobbing by the fish tank. I hatehatehate looking at pictures of my husband and I the past couple weeks- we look so ecstatic in them. Sigh. :( My poor husband is still holding on a little hope. He winced yesterday when I made myself a bunch of coffee, just in case it's still around. In some ways it's been harder on me, but in some ways it's harder on him because he can't feel it leaving and my body returning to normal, so he's not 100% ok with letting go yet. 
  • Bunny cakes, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a spontaneous miscarriage in August and a missed miscarriage at the end of May. It really just seems so unfair!! One thing I do know is you never forget about it but eventually it does get a little better. I suffer from anxiety so it's really done a number on me. It's a constant struggle...not to mention every friend I have is getting pregnant every time I turn around!! I'm really happy for them but sometimes ask myself"why not me, what's wrong with me?"  There is a really good book I'm reading called Coming to Term" so far it's really helped give me some comfort and a little education on this crazy journey I've been on.

    I hope things get better soon and you get your beautiful rainbow baby!! 

    Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Anniversary tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Momma to 1 angel D&C August 2012
  • Oh gosh. I just found out the cousin on my side miscarried the same week I did. I've been feeling so protective over the cousins- there's one on my side that was a month further along and one on his side the exact same week and everything. But now hers is gone too. :( I reallyreallyreally hope the one on his side will be ok! It's so freaking scary. I figured 1 in 3 right? So the other two HAD to be ok! But no. At least last night was the very first night I didn't have baby/child/adoption/pregnancy/miscarriage dreams. I've been doing loads better after seeing family members- including tons and tons of kids. I was feeling muchmuchmuch better. But my poor cousin! If anyone is still around to read this, please keep her in your thoughts as well. It's so sad. :(
  • ((Hugs)) thats all i can really add right now.
    Married my best friend in 2009
    TTC since April 2010
    Jan 2012 - Started IF treatment 
    Conceived our first angel during IF break, surprised with second (natural) BFP 2.5 months later. 
    May 2014 - TAC surgery 

    Trying to conceive our rainbow baby <3

    imageimage

  • Thinking of you bunnycakes, I'm sorry there's no words to help your feeling, just know we are all here for you xo
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. I just got back from the Dr.'s office for a beta blood draw, so I know what it's like to be the weeping girl surrounded by pregnant women who are awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact. It's just awful, and I hope that you feel better soon.

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    BFP #1 7.16.13 | EDD 3.27.14  | MC 7.29.13
    BFP #2 8.28.13 | EDD 5.5.14 | Simon Francis, Due Date Baby!

  • I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family!
  • I got my beta results over the phone while sitting in the preregistration area for outpatient procedures surrounded by at least 20 babies and their parents. I was the for the Rhogam (sp?) shot. WTF? Is there no better way to break this news? Where do I go? I was left to sob alone in my chair and everyone else just acted like I wasn't there...never felt more alone. Luckily, a girl with her baby overheard what had happened and reached out to me briefly before she was called back. She will never know how much that meant..
  • I am so sorry bunnycakes. I am at work and my eyes are filling up, I am so sorry you are having to go through this, especially more than once. I really hope you are able to find some comfort, understanding, accepting, whatever the right word is, somewhere. I am sending hugs your way and wish you and your family all the best.

    Sep14 February Siggy Challenge: Favorite Romantic Movie - A Knight's Tale

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    Happily welcomed healthy baby girl December 2011.

    Excited to welcome a new addition September 2014!

    BabyFruit Ticker

     
  • Thank you everyone, you're really sweet. Goshdarn this hurts so much. I'm so upset I don't know what to do with myself.
  • I'm so sorry, I understand how you feel. I just lost my baby on Sunday, I was 6 1/2 weeks. Even though it's so early DH and I had already started planning as well. We spent one night mapping out what would be the nursery. We started discussing names, what he/she would be like, look like. It's just so unfair and maddening. I'll never understand why bad things happen to good people. Why those who should never procreate have children like it's their job and those who can provide a loving, stable home for a child have such a hard time conceiving or lose their babies. I just don't get it. It's just so sad and the worst feeling. I'm so sad we're all going through this.
    image
    Married since 2009 // TTC since June 2013
     BFP #1: July 2013 // Natural M/C 6w,3d
    BFP #2: April 16, 2014! // EDD: 12/27/14
     So excited to welcome our little boy into our family :)
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    MommaAshley12
  • I am so sorry for your loss. :( Cripes it hurts so bad. I'm so sorry- it's hard not to plan and hope and dream and be so excited and happy! And then it's gone. And it feels like your future is gone too. I am so sorry for your loss. :(
  • I am so sorry for your loss!  I just want you to know that you are NOT alone in how you feel.  I m/c in April and I am still SO upset.  I can relate to the teaching aspect.  I teach middle school and treat my students like they are my own kids.  It certainly doesn't make it easy.  It definitely is hard on your DH.  I don't think men ever completely get that closure that women are able to at least get close to having.  They don't "feel" the baby or miscarriage as you said.  Please take time to take care of yourself and seek comfort from DH.  I am still doing so and it's already been 4 months.
    Married my best friend 7/2/11 - Furbaby born 7/9/11 and brought into our home 9/1/11

    BFP#1:   2/2/13 ~ exact m/c date unknown but around 3/20 at 10 weeks ~ diagnosed with PMP ~ D&C on 4/5 ~ TTA for at least 1 year due to PMP ~ cleared to TTC 1/14

    BFP#2:   2/7/14 ~ m/c 2/20/14 ~ possibly due to chemical pregnancy ~ TG no D&C is needed 

    Surprise BFP#3:  4/4/14 ~ super duper extra happy (and nervous) about this one - EDD 12/9/14!!!

    Grow, Gummy Bear, Grow!!! It's a boy!

    BabyFruit Ticker

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