September 2012 Moms

I guess I spoke too soon about my ILs...

If you remember, my ILs had offered to give H and I our dream lot to build our house on, despite us offering to buy it from them.

We've spent weeks looking at house styles, and floor plans, and finally made our decision last week.

H spent hours customizing the floor plan to accommodate the square footage that we wanted to add, and was really excited to show his dad so that we could get the ball rolling.  His dad has a degree in architecture, built ILs house, and has been very vocal as to how upset he was when he wasn't included in the planning of BIL & SIL's house. So, we wanted to make an effort to include him, let him offer input, etc.

Well, he basically blew H off, and asked how we plan to pay for the construction.  H said we were taking out a construction mortgage, and his dad was all "You can't factor the cost of land into a construction mortgage" (you can, but H didn't know this at the time).  

Of course H was taken aback, being that they had said they would give us the land,  but again, offered to buy it outright, and his dad said that they could talk about it some other time.

Basically, they don't think we should build 'yet', so they're using the land as a road block of sorts, and sort of dangling it over our heads.  We have no problem paying them what they paid and more for the land, but it seems as though they aren't really even 'offering' that at this point.

H and I are going to start from scratch, and I'm so disappointed and heartbroken.  It seems my ILs are only generous and supportive when you're doing exactly what they want.

Sorry for the vent, H is so upset that I can't even talk to him about it at this point and I had to get it out somewhere. 

 

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Re: I guess I spoke too soon about my ILs...

  • That's a kick in the nuts. I'm sorry. :



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  • That's sucks to be all excited for nothing. Is there any reason they would change their minds?
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  • hmp1hmp1
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    That sucks. Hope you guys find some land that is even better. Nothing like showing your parents/ILs you can make it just fine on your own.

    James Sawyer 12.3.10
    Leo Richard 9.20.12 
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  • BPerBPer
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    image Anoe1113:
    That's sucks to be all excited for nothing. Is there any reason they would change their minds?

    H said it seems like they don't want us to spend the money to build a house right now, so they're using the land to control our timetable. 

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  • I'm sorry.  I can't imagine how frustrating that would be.
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  • image BPer:

    image Anoe1113:
    That's sucks to be all excited for nothing. Is there any reason they would change their minds?

    H said it seems like they don't want us to spend the money to build a house right now, so they're using the land to control our timetable. 

    That is messed up. Obviously, at the time, you guys couldn't buy it (if memory serves me right) but to buy it and dangle it? It is tough enough to evaluate as a couple when is right to take that step. I agree with PP. Hope you get to stick it to them, BPer. Thinking of you. Hope deferred is terrible!

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  • BPerBPer
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    image tab&bob2008:
    image BPer:

    image Anoe1113:
    That's sucks to be all excited for nothing. Is there any reason they would change their minds?

    H said it seems like they don't want us to spend the money to build a house right now, so they're using the land to control our timetable. 

    That is messed up. Obviously, at the time, you guys couldn't buy it (if memory serves me right) but to buy it and dangle it? It is tough enough to evaluate as a couple when is right to take that step. I agree with PP. Hope you get to stick it to them, BPer. Thinking of you. Hope deferred is terrible!

    Right, when H was first looking for our house, he could afford the land, but wouldn't have had much leftover for a house, so they bought it.

    I guess we're going to see a house tomorrow that I wanted to look at 6 months ago, but H 'hated' it, so we'll see how it goes. 

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  • I'm sorry. That sucks. 
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  • mnkatemnkate
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    I'm sorry. That sucks.

    my ILs have more than once offered to help us with a down payment, and we have refused each time.we don't want to "owe" anyone - especially when it's regarding OUR family home. It's delayed our timeline a bit, but the alternative is not worth the "entitled" opinions & constant reminding of how generous they are. 

    There is a fine line between generosity and being beholden to someone. It's probably better that you and DH saw the writing on the wall before you got in too deep. 

    Good luck. 

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  • That is really crappy of your in-laws. I'm sorry they did this to you.

    BFP #1 6/11 - Heterotopic pregnancy (cervical & uterine) 8/11- 2 surgeries for cervical ectopic followed by m/c. BFP #2 1/12 - EDD 9.15 - DD Born 7.2 due to severe pre-e

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  • Ugh. I am so sorry!! That is horrible that they got your hopes up only to let them come crashing down! I am, however, in the "everything happens for a reason" camp, so I am hoping things will work out for you in the end. Hopefully you will find something bigger and better that you love!!! Sending hugs your way!!
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  • image BPer:
    image tab&bob2008:
    image BPer:

    image Anoe1113:
    That's sucks to be all excited for nothing. Is there any reason they would change their minds?

    H said it seems like they don't want us to spend the money to build a house right now, so they're using the land to control our timetable. 

    That is messed up. Obviously, at the time, you guys couldn't buy it (if memory serves me right) but to buy it and dangle it? It is tough enough to evaluate as a couple when is right to take that step. I agree with PP. Hope you get to stick it to them, BPer. Thinking of you. Hope deferred is terrible!

    Right, when H was first looking for our house, he could afford the land, but wouldn't have had much leftover for a house, so they bought it.

    I guess we're going to see a house tomorrow that I wanted to look at 6 months ago, but H 'hated' it, so we'll see how it goes. 

    Got it! It took us a long time to agree on a place. I am so glad now we did. Six months? I won't have said so. ;) The process seems so long. Hope ILs simmer down their crazy, gotta control things ways.

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  • Wow, that's terrible.  I'm so sorry you're going through this...
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  • image MiraskTastic:

    well that's shitty and manipulative.  

    This about covers it.

    I hope you guys find an even better piece of land to kind of give them the middle finger.

    I wonder when your ILs will realize that y'all are adults and can make your own decisions? 

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  • I'm so sorry.  I can commiserate.  DH's dad was supposed to pay for his college in an informal agreement he had with my MIL since he never paid any child support.  He set up an account to do this.  Well, DH got a full-ride for undergrad. This past year, he kept saying whenever DH wanted to go back to school, there was money in the account for it.  When DH actually registered for classes, his dad said he changed his mind and wanted to either set aside the money for DS or give it to another child who had a greater need for it.  Awesome.  Needless to say, we won't be relying on him for anything any longer or taking him at his word. I would say it took three months or so for DH not to be so seething angry that he could stand to talk to his dad on the phone. 

    I hope that you guys find a better house/land/whatever.  I know how much it sucks to kind of be the bystander in a similar situation.  There isn't much else you can do except make other plans.  

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  • mnkatemnkate
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    image the mathlete:
    image MiraskTastic:

    well that's shitty and manipulative.  

    This about covers it.

    I hope you guys find an even better piece of land to kind of give them the middle finger.

    I wonder when your ILs will realize that y'all are adults and can make your own decisions? 

    Decisions regarding what? while I agree that the stunt her FIL pulled is manipulative, I guess I feel that accepting a gift of land (value of what? 30k-50k? More?) means that there is an expectation regarding involvement....and making their "own" decisions. 

     Itbsucks that there wasn't a clear discussion had regarding the gift of land, and now there are some massive blurred lines re: how involved they are, and what they control. 

    I guess if I were accepting such a generous gift, And knowing the stories that BP has told in the past about her IL's, i would know that there were definitely going to be conditions. 

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  • Well, nuts! I'm sorry that it isn't going well. Hopefully it'll work out amazingly in the end.
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  • BPerBPer
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    image mnkate:
    image the mathlete:
    image MiraskTastic:

    well that's shitty and manipulative.  

    This about covers it.

    I hope you guys find an even better piece of land to kind of give them the middle finger.

    I wonder when your ILs will realize that y'all are adults and can make your own decisions? 

    Decisions regarding what? while I agree that the stunt her FIL pulled is manipulative, I guess I feel that accepting a gift of land (value of what? 30k-50k? More?) means that there is an expectation regarding involvement....and making their "own" decisions. 

     Itbsucks that there wasn't a clear discussion had regarding the gift of land, and now there are some massive blurred lines re: how involved they are, and what they control. 

    I guess if I were accepting such a generous gift, And knowing the stories that BP has told in the past about her IL's, i would know that there were definitely going to be conditions. 

    The only real 'condition' was supposed to be that FIL wanted to review the plans, no problem for us. There's a whole back story with BIL & SIL building a house in which they absolutely refused to show FIL the plans for. Seven years later, when they complain that their dining room isn't wide enough, FIL feels vindicated.

    I would have no issue if they wanted to have a say in how & what we build, but controlling when? Unacceptable.  We've outgrown our house, and if there's to be a LO #2 in the near future, we need to get started on building. 

     

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  • BPerBPer
    5000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its Third Anniversary
    member
    image mnkate:
    image the mathlete:
    image MiraskTastic:

    well that's shitty and manipulative.  

    This about covers it.

    I hope you guys find an even better piece of land to kind of give them the middle finger.

    I wonder when your ILs will realize that y'all are adults and can make your own decisions? 

    Decisions regarding what? while I agree that the stunt her FIL pulled is manipulative, I guess I feel that accepting a gift of land (value of what? 30k-50k? More?) means that there is an expectation regarding involvement....and making their "own" decisions. 

     Itbsucks that there wasn't a clear discussion had regarding the gift of land, and now there are some massive blurred lines re: how involved they are, and what they control. 

    I guess if I were accepting such a generous gift, And knowing the stories that BP has told in the past about her IL's, i would know that there were definitely going to be conditions. 

    The only real 'condition' was supposed to be that FIL wanted to review the plans, no problem for us. There's a whole back story with BIL & SIL building a house in which they absolutely refused to show FIL the plans for. Seven years later, when they complain that their dining room isn't wide enough, FIL feels vindicated.

    I would have no issue if they wanted to have a say in how & what we build, but controlling when? Unacceptable.  We've outgrown our house, and if there's to be a LO #2 in the near future, we need to get started on building. 

     

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  • Wow, that sucks. A lot. I'd tell them straight out that if they don't let you buy the land from them, you both intend to purchase land elsewhere. Screw having them dangle it over you.

    ETA: I don't understand why they care when you build a house. As long as you're not hitting them up down the line for things you can't afford, I don't think it's any of their business.

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  • I'm confused.  Why did they offer you the land to begin with?  What did they expect you to do with it?  Pitch a tent on it?  Move a house onto it?   

    I agree with everyone else.  Buy your own land, and build your house.  

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  • hmp1hmp1
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    image BPer:

    I would have no issue if they wanted to have a say in how & what we build, but controlling when? Unacceptable.  We've outgrown our house, and if there's to be a LO #2 in the near future, we need to get started on building.  

    I wouldn't stand for that either. It is one thing to appreciate your FIL's architecture background and want his input in your plans. Quite another for him to demand his input in your family home.


    James Sawyer 12.3.10
    Leo Richard 9.20.12 
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