Working Moms

Anyone else have judgey friends?

DH was talking to a friend of ours yesterday. His wife is due soon w/their first baby. He was asking DH if he knew of any job opportunities b/c they are looking to move soon. Then proceeds to say (and I quote) "We need to find a different situation because we want to do more than 'day care parenting' ". WTF? DH was literally speechless. Finally he said, "well, if you can figure out a way to make that work for you, that's awesome". But, seriously...what does that even mean? Plus, the kid isn't even here yet. Ugh, so annoying. We might be hanging out with them a little less :).

"The only things evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants". - Johnny Depp
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Re: Anyone else have judgey friends?

  • As the kid isn't here yet...  I wouldn't run w/ this one comment and thinking you can't hang out with them.  They are trying to figure it all out and what they want to do.

    It IS judgey, but I don't think it was really directed at you all.  And it's (at least from this telling of the story) ONE comment.  

    If people stopped being friends w/ me over ONE dumb statement, I'd have a lot few friends! :)  well, I've gotten smarter in my old age, but when I was younger - i know I said some dumb, non-thought-out things before. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
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  • I tend not to take these kind of statements as judging me/our family unless they specifically bring us into the statement.

    As quoted I can garauntee that your friend wasn't even thinking about the fact that you use daycare and how his statement could be viewed...Also, if he would have phrased it differently ..."It is important to DW and I that we can spend as much time with the baby as possible"....or "we've decided that we would like one of us to be a SAHP"..he is basically saying the same thing, but would you have had the same reaction?...probably not.

    Be secure in your choices and let your friends make their own. If they are making judgey statement specifically about your parenting or choices then yes it is probably time to change your relationship with them.

     

     

  • aeh72aeh72
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    I wouldn't even know what he was meaning by "more than daycare parenting?" Staying at home, having a nanny, working pt?  Maybe he didn't mean it to be judgey or maybe he was being judgey but, to me, it just sounds like the kind of ridiculous remark people make before they are actually in the thick of it and know what parenting is really like.  Maybe cut them some slack and wait and see if they become "those parents" - we all know them, the ones who know so much better than everyone else.  If they become that, I'd be hanging out less with them too!

    Oh, and your husband handled that situation very well! :-)

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  • image DiveFrog:

    I tend not to take these kind of statements as judging me/our family unless they specifically bring us into the statement.

    Be secure in your choices and let your friends make their own. If they are making judgey statement specifically about your parenting or choices then yes it is probably time to change your relationship with them.

    ITA w/all of this. 

     

  • Obviously we don't plan on not being friends w/them over one comment... :) And, yeah, they will live and learn, and hopefully find some situation that works for them, and you guys are probably correct in that it wasn't directed towards us. It's just that my initial reaction was, "whoa...ok..."
    "The only things evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants". - Johnny Depp
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  • image aeh72:

    I wouldn't even know what he was meaning by "more than daycare parenting?" Staying at home, having a nanny, working pt?  Maybe he didn't mean it to be judgey or maybe he was being judgey but, to me, it just sounds like the kind of ridiculous remark people make before they are actually in the thick of it and know what parenting is really like.  Maybe cut them some slack and wait and see if they become "those parents" - we all know them, the ones who know so much better than everyone else.  If they become that, I'd be hanging out less with them too!

    Oh, and your husband handled that situation very well! :-)



    Exactly...that's pretty probably spot on.
    "The only things evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants". - Johnny Depp
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  • DH and I lost close friends due to many judgey comments from both of them.  Mostly regarding kids, parenting, etc. After the first few times I thought she was just crabby or tired.  Then I noticed a pattern of comments from both of them and even caught them whispering about my son still wearing diapers when he wasn't even 3 yet!  I held my tongue many times since they live far from an ideal lifestyle. 

    Finally she initiated an email asking me something specific of why I avoided them at a party (after her DH made rude comments about our newborn's name) and I let lose on everything.  I basically said I am not perfect but I will not stand for being judged by people who did... x,y,z.  She was blindsided and admitted being wrong and judgey towards us.  It didn't end well, but we both got it all out and felt much better.  I don't have time for nonsense and life is too short to have negative people in my life.  Sometimes you have to cut your loses if it is bothering you.

  • Whatever works for them.

    I have a lot of judgy friends...but we're doing what's best for us, and I'm sure that's what's best for them.

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  • Wow reality is going to hit them HARD! Daycare or not, parenting is a ft job. 

    I had judgey "friends" but thankfully was able to get rid of them, I don't that crap in my life. 

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  • Ugh it's so hard to stay silent. I have very close friends who do not have children- her explanation for why they don't have kids is that IF they had kids, they'd want at least 4-5, and since they can't afford 4-5, they aren't going to have any.
  • Nicb13Nicb13
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    I think that unless you are already feeling guilty for having your children in daycare, then this comment wouldn't bother me. People are dense and don't get it and say offbeat things that can be taken 100 different ways. He'll probably sing a different tune when that baby actually gets here.
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  • I am sure your DH's friend's comment wasn't directed at your family. Sometimes things we say come out the wrong way.  Although, I think I might have been offended if I heard something like that from a friend as well.  

     

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  • Well, if that was so important to them, they probably should have planned better, rather than changing jobs/houses right when the baby is due. Stick out tongue  I'll admit that I've heard a lot of these comments over the years and I enjoy seeing parenthood bite them in the a bit. Smile
  • I do agree that they may eat their words when they actually become parents.  I have eaten MANY of my own words since DD was born!  Just like everyone else, I was a perfect parent before I had kids. 

    I am sure some of my friends judge, but most of the ones I spend time with are professionals.  I am not close to many SAHMs because I just can't get together at 10 a.m. on a Tues.  I don't care what anyone thinks.  We're doing what is best for our family. 

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  • We will all forever have someone whether it's family or friends that will judge. For me if they are a friend in particular I am very open about it indirectly hurting my feelings but honestly it takes a lot for anyone to make me feel bad because I am awesome, LOL.

    My husband's aunt is a old school thinking SAHM, that the wife is a good wife if she does not stay home with your kids and basically service her husband. Yeah that will never be me so whatever. She is actually miserable and makes me so not want to be a SAHM ever.

    I do have other SAHM who are awesome and never judge because they do not want judgment either. Unfortunately either way people will judge you.

    You are an *** for putting your kid in daycare, you are lazy if you stay home and all of it is crap.

     


  • eh, who cares.  she doesn't even have the baby yet.  she'll learn soon enough. :)  keep doing what you are doing!  

     

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  • When someone directs a comment to me and I don't know what they mean by it, I ask. It's the only way to find out. 




  • Ah, wait until the kid is born. They will fall off their high horse quickly and it will knock the sanctimonious attitude right out of them. 

    When I was pregnant, I had decided that I was going to exclusively breastfeed my child. A drop of formula would never touch his lips. I was going to build up this big freezer milk stash so that he could have breast milk long after I quit breastfeeding. Well. Reality quickly slapped me in the face. My milk took forever to come in, I had supply issues right from the beginning, and I had completely dried up by the time he was 3 months old. So that formula I was so quick to turn up nose up to ended up being my saving grace, since he was mostly formula fed. 

    My point is, they may quickly change their minds about what they are willing to do when it comes to baby. 

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  • I guess they mean that one of them wants to stay home with the baby all the time? Working from home with a baby is not that easy, and many babies enjoy going to daycare if the daycare is a nice place. Sure if money is not an issue it is nice to stay home with your baby, but money often is an issue. 
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  • There is always someone who will be judging. We have one set of friends who were consistently snarky and, frankly, rude. We have distanced ourselves. They had 3 kids, though. I would give these two the benefit of the doubt and assume they didn't mean that comment to come out the way it did.
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  • image SunMoon&Stars:

    When someone directs a comment to me and I don't know what they mean by it, I ask. It's the only way to find out. 


    This. I think a lot of you are reading too much into the comment.

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  • image christel811:
    image SunMoon&Stars:

    When someone directs a comment to me and I don't know what they mean by it, I ask. It's the only way to find out. 


    This. I think a lot of you are reading too much into the comment.

    Ditto. Sounds like an overwhelmed parent to be. Not everything is about you -- amazingly they probably aren't even thinking about you.

     

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