Working Moms

Feeling guilty....

Lately I have just had the awful feeling that I need a break from DS.  I love him dearly, but I am physically and mentally exhausted.  I feel absolutely horrible for thinking this too!! 

I work full time, deal with probably 3 hours of commute time a day, do 99% of childcare myself as DH works 80 hours a week, do all household things myself (laundry, cleaning, etc.).  DS is a difficult baby on top of this (he won't take a bottle or sippy cup, he refuses to eat, he has a TON of energy, he doesn't sleep or nap great, etc.).  There are even days I feel like almost happy to go into work because he is so high maintenance, my actual job is less work!!  I also haven't slept in for basically a year as I do all the overnight wakeups myself and let DH sleep in on weekends due to his work schedule.

Saturday DH and I had a "date night" which was probably only the third time this had happened all year.  We have been fighting constantly and were actually going to end things recently, so we are trying to make more effort.  Well I since being away from DS on Saturday for several hours, I thought I would be fine with him all day by myself on Sunday, but I started to feel irritable with him first thing in the morning. I feel awful, how can I be irritable with him when I am away from him all week at work?  He won't eat unless he is playing and I have to follow him around with a spoon sneaking food in his mouth, so this triggered my irritability I guess.  He is also SUPER clingy and needy at home.  I've found he is better if we go out in public (shopping, to the pool, etc.) so he can look around.

Has anyone else felt like this?  I feel AWFUL but I just feel like I need a few days away from him. I've traveled for work and had a few days away, but no real vacation aside from a one night away once or twice.  Is it normal to feel this way once in a while?  I think about being away from him though and I know I would miss him, so I feel so conflicted.

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Re: Feeling guilty....

  • Sometimes it is hard to go back into the trenches after you have had some time off (i.e. your date night on Saturday). I find that when I'm "in it" I get in a groove, but when I get a break and a chance to enjoy myself I just want more! It's hard. It also sounds like you are doing a lot. Can you hire a housecleaner or meals or something? We can't actually do it all - especially with a 3 hour commute each day! Good luck and when nothing else helps I try to remind myself - the days are long but the years are short!
    DD1 - Evelyn Riley - 9/30/11
    DD2 - Charlotte Avery - 1/27/14




  • Can you afford to pay someone to either come play with him while you clean or come clean for you? If you paid a hs girl to come play with him for a few hours on the weekend you could get a little break from him while you clean.

    I am home for the summer and I have noticed that if I don't get to the gym, where I drop my dd off for a few hours, I am grumpy. I need some time to myself, as much as I love her. Maybe you could get a membership at a gym with Childcare and go on the weekends.

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  • I think you are in the nitty gritty of marriage, children, lack of balance etc. I too have often felt like i was ready to bail on my marriage for similar reasons. What you are feeling is normal. I have YET to get down time away from the kids to take care of me. And Dh gets that ALL THE TIME!  LO's will be clingy. and Its OK to take a break.

    We all handle stress differently. I personally just deal and have LO pretty much 24/7 when Im not at work. Its ok to feel what you feel. You are not alone. If you can, do the outside trips more. Get yourself out and around gf's and other moms. That way you are not trying to deal all by yourself.

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  • image lexusolsen:
    Can you afford to pay someone to either come play with him while you clean or come clean for you? If you paid a hs girl to come play with him for a few hours on the weekend you could get a little break from him while you clean. I am home for the summer and I have noticed that if I don't get to the gym, where I drop my dd off for a few hours, I am grumpy. I need some time to myself, as much as I love her. Maybe you could get a membership at a gym with Childcare and go on the weekends.

    I have actually started going to the gym about 2-3 days a week (spinning class and he goes to the gym daycare) and running with him about 1-2 days a week in jogging stroller. I've been doing his since March and have felt SO much better.I also have someone come do the big cleaning every two weeks, but I do the day to day stuff.  I don't really cook because DH is always working, he's never home in time for dinner.  Ughh...why is this not enough?

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  • image MaggieF516:

    image lexusolsen:
    Can you afford to pay someone to either come play with him while you clean or come clean for you? If you paid a hs girl to come play with him for a few hours on the weekend you could get a little break from him while you clean.

    I am home for the summer and I have noticed that if I don't get to the gym, where I drop my dd off for a few hours, I am grumpy. I need some time to myself, as much as I love her. Maybe you could get a membership at a gym with Childcare and go on the weekends.

    I have actually started going to the gym about 2-3 days a week (spinning class and he goes to the gym daycare) and running with him about 1-2 days a week in jogging stroller. I've been doing his since March and have felt SO much better.I also have someone come do the big cleaning every two weeks, but I do the day to day stuff.  I don't really cook because DH is always working, he's never home in time for dinner.  Ughh...why is this not enough?



    What about a weekend away? Without or without your h.
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  • Um?.I don?t know how you can possibly handle taking care of DS by yourself, work FT and commute 3 hours a day!  No wonder you are exhausted. 

    I used to feel super guilty about not wanting to spend time with DS too since he goes to DC fulltime during the week, but it?s very hard to be engaged when you are tired!  So I now prioritize quality over quantity and do NOT spend every minute of my weekend with DS.  FWIW, this is what we do and I?ve found that this schedule to work really well. 

    Saturday morning DH gets up with DS, they have breakfast and DH takes DS to Gymboree.  That gives me time to sleep in a little and do chores.  DS naps on the way back from class in the car, we all go out to run errands / do grocery shopping.  We have lunch out.  Then in the afternoon DH has his alone time while I try to get DS to nap and play with him.  We then do a late afternoon activity together.  Once DS is asleep, I finish the rest of the chores with the TV on.  I aim to have all my chores for the week done by the end of Saturday night.

    Sunday morning I get up with DS and take him to swimming lessons while DH sleeps in and does his chores.  Then in the afternoon we either drop DS off for a play-date while DH and I do something by ourselves or we host a play-date.  On the weeks where we are hosting the play-date in the afternoon, we hire a sitter or ask our parents to come in after DS goes to bed so that DH and I can go out for a late dinner.  That way, DH and I always get some alone time on the weekends to do the stuff the we used to like doing before DS.

    If you have neighbours/friends with little kids, swap baby-sitting!  I find that most parents do want some time to themselves on the weekends and if you can suggest a fun activity (zoo, pool, park), it lessens the guilt factor and people are happy to leave their kids for a little bit.  And the kids are having fun too!  Then you can all switch and re-charge.

  • Oh a few more things - we also use a cleaning service but with 2 cats, DS crawling around and eating everything off of the floor, I used to have to sweep and vacuum every night, so I bought a Roomba that runs by itself and a high-end air purifier.  With both of those running during the day, I only have to sweep/vacuum once a week.  Highly recommend that.  All our suits and shirts get laundered or dry-cleaned and we use those services that pick up and drop off at your front door.  We hired a neighbour?s kid to mow the lawn.  We eat healthy take-outs on Fridays and Saturdays.  I buy almost all non-perishable items on Amazon and all our bills are on automatic payment systems.

    But lastly, give yourself a break and don?t feel guilty!  I remember hearing somewhere that you always love your child, but you don?t always like him/her. It?s certainly true for me!

  • It's so easy to feel guilty about wanting time away, especially when you work. But there is nothing wrong with needing time without a clingy toddler, or a pile of work, to just be you. Add all your things up and it's no wonder you're feeling burnt at both ends! 

    My advice is to take a night away. Can you send him to grandparents overnight while you/H get dinner and a night alone? If you miss him terribly, it's not like you'll be gone for a super long amount of time and it may be just enough of a break for you to feel relaxed and better able to enjoy your time together. If you enjoy it then you can schedule a longer trip away without worry that you'll be miserable the whole time.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing balance in your life, what that means for you may be different than for me but that's ok. It's about doing what works best for your family! Good luck - little ones are tough. I often dream about life when kids are in college lol. 



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  • image MaggieF516:

    image lexusolsen:
    Can you afford to pay someone to either come play with him while you clean or come clean for you? If you paid a hs girl to come play with him for a few hours on the weekend you could get a little break from him while you clean. I am home for the summer and I have noticed that if I don't get to the gym, where I drop my dd off for a few hours, I am grumpy. I need some time to myself, as much as I love her. Maybe you could get a membership at a gym with Childcare and go on the weekends.

    I have actually started going to the gym about 2-3 days a week (spinning class and he goes to the gym daycare) and running with him about 1-2 days a week in jogging stroller. I've been doing his since March and have felt SO much better.I also have someone come do the big cleaning every two weeks, but I do the day to day stuff.  I don't really cook because DH is always working, he's never home in time for dinner.  Ughh...why is this not enough?

     

    I am not sure if this is true for you, but for me (I have totally felt the same way a number of times this first year and half with DD) it has always come down to DH not being involved enough with DD, or taking any responsibility for her care. And the resentment I feel that he has more freedom than I do (working out, hanging out with friends, working unnecessarily, taking time for his hobbies and volunteer work)

    I didn't sign up to be a single parent, but somehow DH & I let ourselves fall into this pattern where I do ALL the childcare, and DH does most of the household things that we don't hire out. He cleans, takes care of the yard, the cars, care for our rental properties etc. Plus he has a new job since DD was born, so that has taken it's own adjustment with different hours, being on call, not feeling comfortable telling pepole at work he will handle issues on his next shift (which drives me batty!) 

    DH & I  just had another huge discussion about how I am not happy with the status quo arrangement and would be a much better and happier Mom to DD, and our marriage would be better too,  if I didn't have to do everything for her all the time and all our responsibilites and chores were more equitably split 50/50 childcare and household....This is the 3rd time in 14months this has come up and we have had 2 failed attempts at changing things....This time we have agreed to sit down and divide out on paper who does what, and DH will have some childcare on his list. I am praying that this 3rd time is the charm...because if it isn't we are heading to counseling ASAP to get this resolved. I just can't continue to live resenting a large portion of the time I spend with DD, because DH and I can't get our workloads effectively blanced.

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