Parenting after a Loss

Vent: Dealing with in-laws (long)

mobile: Vent: Dealing with in-laws (long)

I'm so sick of FIL and his wife.  And I hate to feel like this because I don't want to influence the way DD feels about them just because I don't like them.  My mother did that to me, and now I don't talk to my father's side of the family.

We went to a wedding this weekend in New Orleans.  FIL asked about 2 months ago if we were planning to leave DD with my mother or somebody. Well, no.  First of all my mother lives 3 hrs away from us, and I'm just not ready to be away from DD for an entire weekend.  Then about a month ago, he said we'd have more fun at the wedding if we didn't bring DD.  So I started to get the feeling he didn't want her there.  Then last week, he asked if we'd be willing to have a babysitter stay with DD in the hotel room.  Sure, I have no problem with that.  Once we're at the wedding and reception, I realize that it's a "no children" wedding.  Oh, so why didn't you just say that?!  Instead he made us feel like we weren't wanted there.

There were also some issues on Saturday that I won't really get into, but it boils down to him making us feel like the baby is a burden.  He doesn't ever want to hold her.  He'll barely even look in our direction.  He actually got mad at DH when we were 15 mins late to meeting for lunch.  We wanted the baby to finish her nap, and he said "Well that's not my problem."  He's just so rude, disrespectful, and mean. He was throwing a fit about some people he saw walking around New Orleans.  He was calling them some pretty hateful names because of the way they were dressed.  Who cares what other people do?!  How can somebody just be so mean.

The thing is DH makes excuses for him and just ignores it. I want DD to have a good grandfather in her life. My father's not in the picture, so this man is it.  I loved my grandfather so much, and it breaks my heart to think that DD might not get that experience because I don't know how much I can stand to be around this man anymore.  I've been with DH for 13 years, and now with a baby, I think I've had enough. I tried to get a picture of them together because she's only a baby once. I handed her to him, and he just awkwardly held her and didn't smile for the picture. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just glad they don't live close. We only have to deal with him a few times a year. Next is the baptism in August. I pray I have enough strength to deal with him!

Thanks for letting me vent so early on a Monday morning. Here's some danishes for reading this entire thing!


*** aka: andreahshields ***

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BFP#1 3/8/12; diagnosed w/ Anencephaly at 12w6d; D&C 5/9/12
BFP#2 7/18/12; A/S 10/26/12 It's a Girl! EDD 3/29/13
Phoebe Jordan Born 3/20/13


Re: Vent: Dealing with in-laws (long)

  • I am so sorry you had to deal with this.  This guy really does sound like a total jerk.  I know what you mean about your husband making excuses, mine does the same thing for my ILs.  I think they realize the weirdness but don't want to acknowledge it out of some kind of loyalty to their family.  It's too bad your daughter won't have the relationship you want with her grandfather but it sounds like he is pretty cold and doesn't have much to offer her.  Maybe as she grows up he will come around but I wouldn't set any expectations.  I have no advice other than grin and bear it when you have to be around him the few times during the year and take his nastiness with a grain of salt.  
  • Ugh.  I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.  I know how hard it is when dealing with grandparents that you just don't like but wanting your child to have a good relationship with them.  Luckily you only have to see him a few times a year.  Maybe he just isn't a baby kind of person and will be great once your DD gets a little older.  I hope that the baptism goes well!

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    **BFP #1 12/09 Diagnosed with Anencephaly D&C 3/17/09**
    **BFP #2 5/28/12 Blighted Ovum m/c 6/15/12**
    **BFP #3 7/12/12 EDD 3/21/13 - Madelyn born 3/5/13**
    BFP #4 4/2/14 - EDD 12/15/14 - Wesley born 12/2/14**

  • Oh, hon! That really blows! May I say, he sounds like a real jerkwad...

    As PP said, at least you only have to deal with them a few times a year, but I can't imagine how disappointing it must be to feel that your DD is unloved/ unwelcome/ unwanted by her own grandfather. Big (((HUGS))) to you and DD. No hugs for DH though until he can acknowledge the fact that his dad is being a turd... 

    Anyone who wouldn't/ won't smile while holding your gorgeous DD needs to have their head examined!

    ETA: It's Monday and I cannot spell- or make contractions...  

    You Made me a mommy... 

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     Lilypie - (KAFM)

  • I am so sorry :( It sounds like you are really trying and he just isn't. Maybe when she's a little older he'll be better. Some people just don't feel comfortable around babies. *hugs*

    imageimageimageTTC since 07/11 | natural m/c 08/11 | BFP 12/6/2011 | Elinor Anna born 8/18/2012 | BFP #2 1/16/2014
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  • Sounds like you are dealing with a classic narcissist.  Of course he didn't smile for pictures with her because she is now the center of attention and he isn't.  The same goes for the crappy comments about being late due to her nap.  If it isn't all about him, he doesn't know what to do. UGH.  I am so sorry you have to deal with that.  I am the child of a narcissist, so I know how damaging it can be.  ((HUGS)).  


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