Parenting

Step Daughter's inapropriate online behavior

My 16 year old step daughter just moved in with us.  It has been hectic as we already have a 2.5 year old and another on the way.  My husband and I gave up our bedroom so she could move in (we now sleep in the living room). I have always had my suspicions that her problems at school (bad grades and trouble with other kids) were of her own doing but my husband blames his mother (whom she lived with) for her problems.  My husband and I have recently become friends with her on Facebook.  I see a lot of status updates on my page from her that do not appear on my husbands page.  I think she is blocking him from seeing her status updates which I would not tolerate if she were my child.  The ones I have seen include foul language, complaining about other kids, and complaining about materialistic things her grandmother provided for her (ie, a crappy cell phone, her words).  The more I told him about this behavior she started to block me as well.  Now we find out she is going on this teen dating site.  When he confronted her it was obvious she was blowing him off but he doesn't see it that way.  He has a lot of guilt over how she was raised so he acts more like her friend than her parent.  She received 4 F's last year and he is talking about getting her an Iphone!!  I think her internet privileges should be taken away until her grades improve and she can show maturity in her FB postings.  I also think she should have to log into her facebook every few weeks with him there so he can see if she is in fact blocking him from seeing inappropriate postings of hers.  Am I being to harsh?  I have 2 children of my own to worry about and I don't want them to see daddy cutting her a bunch of slack when he is very strict with them.

Re: Step Daughter's inapropriate online behavior

  • Team you.

     

    image

     
    "People seem to couple an inordinate amount of stupidity with extreme laziness." ~ A wise interwebz friend.

    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers


  • DH needs to have her Facebook password, so that he can check it whenever he wants.  It's not enough just to be friends with her because she can obviously block.  I would do this with my kids regardless of their grades/behavior.  So, no, you are not being too harsh.

    ETA:  I would also agree with taking away internet completely until those grades come back up.  DH needs to check in with her teachers at least every couple of weeks if he isn't already.  DH is not doing her any favors by giving her whatever she wants. 

     Lilypie - (F3i3)
     
     

    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Team you're not being too harsh. Grades of that level would definitely not warrant any reward in my home, especially something as materialistic as an iPhone. Have her grades recently slipped to that level or has she always had concerns in that area?


    imageimage
    Parenting Floozie Brigades official motto:  We welcome to you the board with open legs.  Also, open beers. ~@cinemagoddess



  • You are trying to parent her. Your husband is trying to assuage his guilt.

    She needs more of what you're talking about- my kids will absolutely not have unfettered internet access as teenagers- and if they were having as many problems as she's having, she'd have *none* (with the exception of homework related access made on a heavily locked down [not above keyloggers] computer smack in the middle of the living area).

    image
  • The fact is you both are supposed to be a team and you need to make a game plan together. Yes, it is his daughter but you are his wife and you need to make decisions together.

    I would sit him down and let him know you want to be active in decision making and parenting her. Let him know he is not doing her any favors in the long run by being her buddy. She is 16 and does need guidance and discipline still.

     I think taking away computer privileges is very fair until she improves her grades. And I would limit internet to being in a common area room until she shows she is mature enough to not need to be watched all the time with it.

    Good luck! 

    image

    Lucas 10/30/08

    Sawyer 05/29/10

  • I have a 16 year old step daughter. So please know I've been there and it's difficult.

    It sounds like your H isn't as concerned as you. She is his daughter and she also has a mother. If he isn't truly on board he is only going to half azz enforce your concerns and that's going to create tension between the 2 of you and you're going to become the evil stepmother.

    I would suggest counselling for you and your H and for your H and his daughter. I would also suggest you back off a little and let the 2 of them figure it out.

    He's going to need some time to learn on his own how to handle thing but it'll be a lot easier with you supporting him rather than fighting him on everything.


    image"


    image

    My 4 Angel Babies.....
    MC#1- 12/2008, MC#2- 05/2009, MC#3 07/2009, MC#4 11/2009

    Training to become an IBCLC. BF Questions? Just ask!

  • It doesn't matter who's right. What matters is you aren't a team and you really need to be. Agree with counseling, maybe some for her or as a family as well.

    Hysterectomy after Stage IV Endometriosis
    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
    image
    Charlotte Rocks!

  • image GhostMonkey:
    Team you. nbsp;


    I'm in this camp as well.
  • Have you posted on the blended families board? I agree with you that she needs to lose some privileges bc her behavior is not acceptable. I think boundaries and consequences are necessary. BUT she needs these things to come from her Dad. He needs to get over the guilt and start parenting his daughter. I think counseling is a great suggestion! GL mama
    Baby Birthday Ticker TickerBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    It takes a special amount of bitch to induce menstruation in another person. - LovelyRitaMeterMaid


    Rap Roller
  • Nope, not harsh at all, and I think it's good that you're intervening.
    O&D November Siggy Challenge: Thanksgiving Fail
    image

    2 Bostons, 1 Preemie, & 65 Roses

    image
  • I think your ideas are right, that she needs her internet privileges suspended until she brings her grades up.

    But personally, I don't think you should be the one handling this.  How long have you two been married?  How long has she known you?  Have you ever lived with her?

    She's 16, and she just moved in.  You are not the parent figure here.  Your husband needs to handle this.

    ETA: Also, if the grades she's getting are a new concern, there is definitely something bigger going on here.

    image
    Oh, that is fantastic. This...this is wine. Yeah. Look what all these idiots are drinking. Look at these dicks!
    Obviously it's not really delicious, like hot chocolate or Coke, but for wine...brilliant.
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickersDaisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Why has she been living with grandma and why does dad feel bad for her upbringing? Was he missing for part of it? A poor relationship with her will make it hard for him.


    image image
  • image RondackHiker:
    Why has she been living with grandma and why does dad feel bad for her upbringing? Was he missing for part of it? A poor relationship with her will make it hard for him.


    My thoughts here, as well. I think there are most likely deeper issues that need to be addressed and the FB nonsense and failing grades are symptoms of that, rather than the actual issues.

    Counseling for the family would probably be very beneficial as everyone transitions into the new living situation and your H gets comfortable with parenting...and you figure out your role in this as step mom.

    Big Sister ~ Little Brother

  • He raised her on his own from the age of 6 months to 12 years.  When we got married she had a problem with it and refused to live with us.  He thought it best not to make her.  He wanted to let her come around in her own time.  I have known her since she was 10.  We had a good relationship until her father and I became engaged.  She felt like I was taking her dad away from her.  I tried talking to her and telling her this was not the case, but it just made matters worse.  Now that she is butting heads with her grandmother, she wants to live with us. 
  • image cloverhrt5:
    He raised her on his own from the age of 6 months to 12 years.  When we got married she had a problem with it and refused to live with us.  He thought it best not to make her.  He wanted to let her come around in her own time.  I have known her since she was 10.  We had a good relationship until her father and I became engaged.  She felt like I was taking her dad away from her.  I tried talking to her and telling her this was not the case, but it just made matters worse.  Now that she is butting heads with her grandmother, she wants to live with us. 

    OMG, I totally missed that she was living with HIS mother. I honestly don't know why you wanted to have kids with this man- he just let his child go during some of her roughest years- just LET HER GO? And now he's pissed about the way his mom handled things? No, this is all on him- no sh!t he feels guilty- but, he doesn't get to run away from the stress of dealing with the hard times anymore.

    And frankly, he let you "steal" him away- you sound like a very capable parent, and I definitely don't blame this situation on you, but, that was a bad, bad move. Unfortunately, you don't have a lot of time to make up for it all now- but, that will involve rolling up your sleeves and getting in deep- not buying her fancy things and trying to avoid making waves. It sounds like you really need help getting that through to him- so, again, counseling as a family (and it would probably benefit your marriage separately, too).

    image
  • I don't think you are being too harsh.

    I know you probably feel like since she is your SD, you can't really put your foot down, but she is living in your house and you are providing for her.  I definitely think that your DH should have her FB password and if she can't behave appropriately, I think she should have to deactivate it.  

    Also, if she can't keep up her grades, then she doesn't deserve a new I-Phone.  I hate the bribing idea, but maybe if you tell her if she brings her grades up, then you can discuss her getting a new phone, with the stipulation her grades stay up.  

    Her attitude ultimately effects both you, DH and your LOs.   If she is not appreciative of what you have done for her - ie giving up your room, so she can have some privacy, I would be all for putting her out in living room.  I think it was very nice of you to do that in the first place, but if she is going to take advantage of you and be disrespectful by not following the rules, etc, then why should she get any of the luxuries - privacy, cell phone, FB and internet usage, etc?

    The bottom line is she is your responsibility now and if you don't put your foot down and tell her how it's going to be, you are going to find yourself in even more trouble 6 months down the road.  

    Good luck to you and sorry you are going through this!


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Totally team you! Would go with elimination of household internet and a phone for her if was doable in this day in age and if her grades are below 74 percent in any class or any assignment, additional things would be taken away.
    Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • I think removing internet privileges is appropriate. I think the biggest issue is that he let her go live with his mom instead of going to counseling and working on being a new family. Bad grades shouldn't be overlooked, but it can't be an easy situation for her. I'd look at the upcoming school year as a do-over for all of you.
    Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?
    http://25.media.tumblr.com/1b081e49f637d2a6cfee816c4436f401/tumblr_mw70i7PPZ71slruimo1_500.gif
  • image cloverhrt5:
    He raised her on his own from the age of 6 months to 12 years.  When we got married she had a problem with it and refused to live with us.  He thought it best not to make her.  He wanted to let her come around in her own time.  I have known her since she was 10.  We had a good relationship until her father and I became engaged.  She felt like I was taking her dad away from her.  I tried talking to her and telling her this was not the case, but it just made matters worse.  Now that she is butting heads with her grandmother, she wants to live with us. 

    I do think that it was a mistake that he let her go live with his mom.  I know he probably thought he was doing the right thing, but it just reinforced to her that she wasn't wanted.  Counseling to help repair the relationship would be much better than just letting her get away with whatever she wants.  I really feel bad for the situation you are in.  Good luck with everything.  I hope you are able to resolve some things!

     Lilypie - (F3i3)
     
     

    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • image cloverhrt5:
    He raised her on his own from the age of 6 months to 12 years.  When we got married she had a problem with it and refused to live with us.  He thought it best not to make her.  He wanted to let her come around in her own time.  I have known her since she was 10.  We had a good relationship until her father and I became engaged.  She felt like I was taking her dad away from her.  I tried talking to her and telling her this was not the case, but it just made matters worse.  Now that she is butting heads with her grandmother, she wants to live with us. 

    Yeah, this girl needs some counseling.  It sounds like she has some big unresolved issues related to her relationship with her dad, and I can see why.

    image
    Oh, that is fantastic. This...this is wine. Yeah. Look what all these idiots are drinking. Look at these dicks!
    Obviously it's not really delicious, like hot chocolate or Coke, but for wine...brilliant.
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickersDaisypath Anniversary tickers
  • image GhostMonkey:

    Team you.

     

    agreed.  


    The Mob Boss 
    Birth: 10lbs 11oz, 21.5 inches <> 1 mo: 14lbs 7oz, 23.5 inches
    2mo: 18lbs 15oz, 25.5 inches <> 4mo: 26lbs 8oz, 27.5 inches6mo: 29lbs 8oz, 30 inches <> 9mo: 32lbs, 32 inches12 mo: 37lbs, 34.5 inches <> 15 mo: 38lbs 6 oz, 36 inches. 20.5 inch noggin18 mo: 43lbs, 37.75 inches 21 inch head2yr: 47 lbs, 42 inches. 21.5 inch head. Woah.  

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


     
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    imageimage
  • Thank you everyone for the great advice.  I really appreciate it!  I showed my husband this thread and it seemed to knock some sense into him.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards