Adoption

Possibly hot topic: do you read anti-adoption activists?

I feel it's important to learn about as many perspectives as I can.  I wondered if others have read the same kinds of things, and what you thought.  I agree with some of the things I've read (the "industry" of adoption is a problem) and wish that others (the pressure exerted on some e-parents) weren't true. I don't agree, obviously, that all infant adoption is bad.
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Re: Possibly hot topic: do you read anti-adoption activists?

  • I do. And because of them, I really struggle with my desire to adopt. I've read all the Primal Wound theory. I've read that often, domestic infant adoption,  adoption is a permanant thing for solving a temporary problem. And at the end of the day, if I wasn't pursuing domestic infant adoption ,for a variety of reasons, I'd be living child free and that's not what I want to do.

     So the best I can do is to feel that I'm using an agency that is ethical, that I'm approaching the expectant parent ethically, and that I'm certain that there isn't any coercion occurring. It's the best I can do. 

     I get that some folks believe adoption is the thing that they regret more than anything else in their lives- both adoptees, and birth famillies--- but esp. in the victimization of birth moms- where I see other birth moms write about how all adoptions are terrible etc--- I start to think about agency and how part of feminism is about a woman's right to chose- whatever she chooses and think that while some adoptions are a hot mess and some were created through coercion etc that most women who choose to make an adoption plan have actually really considered and thought about that decision.

     Maybe I'm wrong and I"m being complicit in the larger adoption industrial complex. I don't know. 

     

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  • Yes, I do. Some things I agree with to an extent, others I don't. I am the kind of person that just has to know. I research everything, sometimes to my detriment. It has caused me anxiety to think about if I will cause a family/couple/lady to regret the choice to place for adoption. I don't want to damage a child or have them grow up to resent me. It sounds silly to type it, but those things go through my head.

    I remind myself that I can only be ethical and caring to the folks I meet and use an ethical agency. I can't take responsibility for ramifications of what someone else chooses to do and I won't be able to completely control how my child ends up, regardless of if they were biological or adopted. I also remind myself that any topic will have people on extremes, and the truth is normally somewhere in the middle. So, I will expect to have grief, expect child to have grief, and expect birthparents to have grief but that doesn't mean the decision was the wrong one.

    November '11-January '12- Three IUIs with donor sperm- BFN x 3
    April '12-December '12- Foster to adopt- All inappropriate referrals
    January '13-December '13- Domestic Infant Adoption- Never had a match
    May '14- FET #1 with 2 adopted embryos- BFN
    July '14- FET #2 with 2 adopted embryos- BFP EDD: 4/5/15 / Miscarriage @ 8w4d (2 D&C's)
    Nov '14- FET #3 with adopted embryos?


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  • At least for my situation, the "problem" I faced may have been temporary (as in, I had a child, on purpose, whom I parented only 5 years later), but no amount of assistance could have made me ready to be a parent when I was pregnant with M. Personally, I ardently disagree with any kind of all-or-nothing stance regarding adoption. Some BPs may not know of resources that could help them parent effectively; I'm certain that's true.

    But, sheesh, things would have been difficult for M if his APs weren't allowed to parent him permanently. Its never that I didn't want him; I just wasn't capable of taking good care of him. And how many wounds would have resulted from that? A fair number of large ones. No one can convince me that infant adoptions should be halted altogether.

    And the same with IA. Things NEED to change, and I do want to talk about that, but it isn't a good enough reason to halt every adoption. 

    But you know, I don't tend for follow many "anti" things very closely.

  • To a limited extent. I agree with a lot of the basics, like right to records, birth father rights most of the time, etc.

    But at the end of the day I feel like there is no one size fits all answer for women faced with unplanned pregnancy. I am speaking of DIA here which is where so much of the issues originate. A woman who is not prepared to parent but does anyway may face quote a bit of economic impact throughout her life, may face a lot of resentment, may not have the tools or maturity to parent effectively or may have too much stress to parent effectively, etc etc. of course many women still do parent despite not having planned and do a wonderful job and it's the right decision for them. But for others, parent or child, it may be a disaster.

    If a woman makes an adoption plan, she may be prone to coersion, she may face depression at the loss, the child may face severe loss, etc. Or it may allow the mother to live the life she feels is right and also allow the child to live a great life. It is not right for all, but I have no doubt it is right for some.

    The other option is abortion, which is a hot topic obviously and I'm trying to reply sensitively. I'm trying to keep religion and morality out of this part of the reply. If a woman, even one who is pro choice, has an abortion, she may also later regret the decision. I know a couple of women who had abortions and have had a really hard time moving on. One has major depression and therapy. And of course for many it is like a medical procedure or medication and they can move on and live their lives. I am intentionally keeping the baby out of this paragraph.

    But the point is that for some, each decision is right and for some, each decision is wrong. Some may have no decent option of the three. Some may have intense regret no matter what. But we all have to do our bests in all situations and accept that sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes they are HUGE mistakes, and we just have to move on. So while I support making the adoption industry as coersion free and legal as possible; I don't spend a lot of time worrying about it.

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  • I read it when we were waiting, because I read everything adoption-related when we were waiting.  It was really hard to digest.  Being called a vulture and baby-purchaser, and reading about how I was going to be essentially stripping a mother of her child during her most needy time, and how we should be giving her the resources to raise the child herself if we were really thinking in the baby's best interest and not selfishly, instead of snatching her child out of her arms for our own benefit.  

    And then we met J's mom.  And she's expressed to me on every possible occasion that this was what she wanted, that she hasn't had a moment's sadness over her decision, knowing it was the correct one, and she is forever in our debt for giving her son the life she couldn't.  

    I think a lot of what I read colored my expectation of how she would feel, and makes me very tentative about hurting her, in spite of everything she's said about wanting to hear how happy and in love we are with J.  Being overly sympathetic probably isn't the worst thing, though.

    Anyway, yes I've read it, yes it made me feel lousy, but no, it didn't change my mind about infant adoption, because every baby born to a family who isn't committed to raising that child may one day become an emotionally scarred waiting child.  

  • I have and it definitely influenced how I thought about the whole adoption process and how we would proceed, eventually deciding not to adopt at all (we are pursuing foster parenting and will be open to adoption in that way, but not actively pursuing it). For me, I came to the conclusion that I'd have to really know the birth mother/ family and be sure they were making the decision they felt was best in order to be comfortable.The ethical issues, combined with some yucky feelings about competing with other people for a baby were something I had a tough time coming to terms with.  Those are not the only reasons we changed tracks, there were a lot of reasons, but it did influence us. 
    ***************************** Our beautiful daughter was born in October 2009. Turns out she was quite the miracle. After two years of TTC, diagnosed with DOR. A couple of failed treatment cycles later, we decided to let go of our hope for more biological children and explore adoption.
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