May 2012 Moms

Husband vent - come and join

I'm stuck in that terrible "is this PMS or pregnancy" place, so I'm not feeling well and I'm moody.  DH is being an .  The moment DD wakes up until the moment she goes to bed, I'm working.  I get her up and dressed and breakfasted and ready to go to dc, I do the same for myself, then I drop her off and work a full day.  I pick her up, home by 6, dinner for her, if DH is home I get a break while he gives her a bath, which I spend cleaning up dinner, then it's books for her and bed.  Once she's asleep, I make us lunches for the next day and then, maybe, I get to relax for a little bit before I go to bed. 

DH...on the other hand...slowly allows himself to wake up, will help with breakfast under duress, lounges on the couch in his pajamas until we leave, then takes a shower and goes to work.  He works a full day.  He comes home between 6 and whenever the hell he wants, helps with bath time if he's home, relaxes until DD is asleep, and then relaxes some more unless I specifically ask him to get something done. Then he plays WoW (because I'm married to a 17 year old) until he falls asleep. 

I'm soooo tired of feeling like I'm doing the grunt work and like I never get down time.  It's so frustrating to be running around the house cleaning and keeping up with DD and to watch him lounge while I do it all.  SO. FRUSTRATING.  I've tried talking to him about it and he doesn't get it.  He points out the times I fb or bump...which is not often and I'm generally still keeping an eye on DD.  Not the same as you getting so sucked into WoW that you don't hear me when I talk to you.  Argh.

Sorry, needed to vent.  I hope that your husbands are more helpful than mine, but I also hope they're just as bad so I don't feel so alone :)

Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12 

CHC arrived 6/2/14

Re: Husband vent - come and join

  • Sorry you are feeling this way. I know that after our first I felt like my entire life had changed and dh was still living like we had no children. Even now after four and one on the way I still feel like this. He goes on fishing ad hunting trips and I am lucky to go to the grocery store with one not four kids. I think it is just the way we look at it sometimes. He says he would take more initiative and do more if I didn't judge the way he did it. I am not aware that I tell him how to do it but maybe I do. I have tried to take a step back and let him do it the way he sees fit and it has helped. Maybe try asking him to do small things like make her something for breakfast or pick out her clothes for the day. I know it won't be like you do it and she might be dressed like a ragamuffin child for a day but it might help
  • Sorry you have to deal with this. I can totally empathize with you, even with the WoW part of this. DH was addicted for years when we were dating, to the point where he would show up to his job at the time just to open his store and would leave when the next person came in, and he'd go right home and play WoW until 3am, get up at 7, and repeat. He finally started to cut back when I gave him the ultimatum of me or the game, but it was still a struggle for the next several years. When we started trying to get pregnant, I made him promise that he would cancel his account when the baby was born. He deleted it altogether and sold his character or something along those lines so that he wouldnt end up being tempted to go back to it, and hasn't had anything to do with it since a few weeks before DS was born. He still plays video games, and there are times when I get aggravated because he "can't" stop in the middle of his game for something, or he can't hear what's going on around him while he's playing, but it's nowhere near what it used to be.

    In terms of doing all the grunt work, I was basically a SAHM until DS turned 1 and DH and I would constantly fight because I never got a break. I'd be with the baby from the time He woke up until the time he'd go to bed, DH would come home from work and take a nap or play on his computer and not help. He'd also have the balls to complain if the house was a mess or dinner wasn't made, or if it was, that it wasn't something he liked. His favorite thing to throw in my face when I'd ask him to help out with the baby because I needed to get things done or, rarely, I'd tell him I just needed a break, was that he brought home the money and Therefore he should just be able to come home and relax and that I should be the one helping him out. It got to the point where we were fighting, big fights screaming and yelling, multiple times a day. Among other resolutions, We eventually mapped out a schedule for taking care of the baby as that was the biggest cause of our fights. Such an such days I'm with the baby from so and so and put him to bed these nights, and DH takes him these days at this time and puts him to bed these days. It was like a miracle fix, honestly. We haven't fought about free time or anything like that since we made that schedule back in the beginning of March, even since I'm back and working 40 hours now. Perhaps you could work something like that out with your husband?
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  • ebl2ebl2
    Sixth Anniversary 250 Answers 500 Comments 250 Love Its

    I'm sorry I don't have a whole lot of advice for you, I just wanted to express my sympathy especially in the video game department. DH has been playing WoW since I met him. He has times when he doesn't play as much but then it's all about League of Legends so it's basically the same thing. I know all too well what having a spouse who is constantly playing that game is like and I truly feel for you. 

    I don't have any advice about it because luckily DH works from home so when he has a slow day he can play when he has all of his work finished during the day. That doesn't mean he stops playing at night but it does make it easier to say hey I just need an hour to myself I've had a rough day can you watch her. I can imagine that if your husband only has after work/early morning hours to play then you would really get ignored.

    The only thing I know to suggest is maybe showing your DH how much fun it can be to hang out with your LO. Only recently (and I mean very recently, like, within the past 4 days) has DH all of a sudden realized how much fun it can be to play with DD. Now he'll volunteer to play with her and give me a break. I've asked what the change has been and he told me straight out, she is a lot more fun now and is starting to really communicate. Before he felt useless to her. Now he has a kid that's fun to be a big kid with. That's the only thing I know to say in this situation. I felt the same - tired of being the only provider to our daughter. Now that she's older and he sees how much fun she is he's all about it. I hope that helps you and just know you're not alone in this. I was/am there and I know there has got to be many more there - especially with how many people play WoW. 

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  • I'm not going to be too helpful but I would say, based on that schedule, that your DH should be the one dropping LO off at daycare. I go to work later than DH, so I drop off, and he picks up because he gets done earlier. It's ridiculous that you're doing both on that schedule.

     As far as the other stuff - yeah I do that too (the cleaning, prepping for the next day, etc). It's helped me to get up a half hour or so earlier than DS in the morning and just do it then. Then I feel like I can relax at least for a few minutes at night. Although in the morning DH is already out of the house.

    Good luck.

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  • Thanks ladies!  It's just frustrating because he does love to play with DD, he just doesn't want to do the work involved to keep her around (you know, like feeding her).  He still expects to get the same amount of down time that he did before we had her, and that's just not realistic.  We got into it again after I posted this and he said that his priority in the mornings is to get himself to work, no mention of me or the baby.  He also responded with "yeah, and?" when I mentioned that it's not really fair that I work my butt off all morning and he sits and lounges on the couch. 

    So this morning I was a flaming *** and did nothing whatsoever to help with DD.  I told him he was in charge of getting her bag together and dropping her off, but that I'd feed her breakfast if he needed a shower (which he does for me).  He was less than thrilled when I left the house right on time, having not done anything above getting myself ready and feeding her breakfast. 

    Could I have handled it better?  Probably.  Am I sick enough of him not responding to everything else I've tried that I just don't care if he's pissed at me?  You betcha. 

    Married DH 7/30/11

    CSC arrived 5/7/12 

    CHC arrived 6/2/14

  • I totally understand your frustration. I'm lucky that DH realized quickly that he needed to help more and cut back on the games. He was also a WOW addict for many years. In fact, it was his gaming that was a major contributor to splitting with his ex. 

    One of the things we agreed on to find a balance is that I try to give him at least a 10 min warning if I need him so that he can finish what he is doing. He also tells me if he is going to start something that he can't wrap up in under 10 min (like a raid).

     The other thing we did is that he took over the one chore I hate the most. Dishes are now his problem 90% of the time. I still don't get much "me time" but at least I don't have to worry about the one chore we argued about the most.

     Good job showing him how it feels this morning lol. Let us know if it makes a difference. I'm pretty sure some of us will want to try it if its successful lol. 

    At least you are in good company... 

  • Though probably not the most effective, if you've already tried talking with him about it, hopefully this morning will get the ball rolling him towards him understanding you need help. I think I have a pretty lazy husband (house-wise, he does a TON of yardwork which kind of balances things out for me) but he still does bedtime 3 nights a week and can get dinner in the oven on the nights he's home earlier than I am.

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  • fryratfryrat
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary

    In the baby department, I am totally where you are. However, since my DH is on the road a lot, I end up being practically a single mom. I don't give him a hard time about his downtime, because I know that when he gets home he does the laundry, mows the lawn, does the dishes, etc before I get home with DD at the end of the day. Yes, I get even less downtime or time for mommy than most, but when he gets home I am SO grateful for the few things that he does, even if it's not baby related.


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  • Quick update:  He was PISSED when I got home tonight.  Apparently he hadn't heard me tell me that he also had to do drop off, so when I walked out of the house he was blind sided and that didn't go over well.  We have been talking for most of the evening, and an hour or so without any distractions (DD went to bed).  I think it did make a difference, and he's finally starting to see it.  He's still not thrilled with the idea of helping more, but is at least will to take a look at what needs to get done.  I want us to try assigning tasks for two weeks (he fills the sippy cups for daycare and packs her bag, for example, every day, and I make her lunch and get her up and dressed).  He doesn't like the idea of being that structured, but he's willing to look at the list and see what's what.  So, progress, in small steps. 

    He did also mention, all on his own, that maybe we need to go and talk to someone (therapist/counselor) about our communication issues,  I had no idea that he had even realized how bad it had gotten, but most of our arguments boil down to differences in communication styles.  Something else for us to think about.  

    So yes, made a difference but also made for a pretty sad day.  You take the good with the bad, I guess :)

    Married DH 7/30/11

    CSC arrived 5/7/12 

    CHC arrived 6/2/14

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