Blended Families

Find a sitter or ride it out? More MIL drama!

So I have just had it. I am still weighing my options right now.

1. Wait out the summer and start SD in an after school program or find and after school sitter in August, which really is just around the corner.

2. Or go ahead and look for a sitter now to watch SD on the days DH works.

I can't handle SD being around MIL so much anymore. Last night at dinner, I guess MIL had just decided things have been too peaceful and needed some drama.

SD was playing on her tablet, yes the same tablet I was just so proud of her for purchasing with her own saved money. She had been told by three different people to put it up while she was eating, and yet she was still playing it at the table. I was not even aware she had been told by anyone yet, so I walked over and held my hand out and told her to let me put it up until dinner was done so it would not get food on it. SD throws it on the ground and says, 'Fine! I'll just let the zombies kill me then! I already told everyone else I would put it up when I was done." Uhhh... wrong answer little girl. She is lucky I did not know that she had been told multuple times to put it up. I did not lose my cool even though I wanted to slap the donkey crap out of her. I took the tablet away and told her that it was mine now and it would take a lot of good behavior for me to decide if she ever got it back and not to ask me about it.

MIL immediately came up and told her as I was walking away, ''Don't worry. You're coming to my house tonight anyway.'' I let it go, not wanting to cause a scene or argue in front of the kids about it. So the whole time we are eating, MIL is making her way around the kitchen still going on about it, about something that did not even involve her. Then as she is standing next to DH as he is fixing a plate, she whispers, ''So what's up with the tablet? Ambrvan just took it away for no reason.''

So DH asks me across the room in front of everyone why I took it. Mind you, everyone else had seen and heard what happened and was.in complete agreement with me taking it away, not that it matters whether anyone else agrees. So anyway, I just said, ''She refused to do what she was told and was disrespectful, all regarding the tablet, and we can talk about it more atthe home of we need to.'' Then before I am even done talking, MIL starts going on about how SD bought that ta let with her own money so she can do what she wants to with it, no wonder we can never have a peaceful family dinner, and more. DH just put his food down, said to quit arguing, and walked outside. The only thing I said on the matter was that it was between SD and me and no one else and to drop it, she could speak to me later if she had a problem.

There are so many things I want to say to her right now. I am keeping quiet because it won't do any good other than to start a war. She won't listen. She won't change. We have had a wonderful, peaceful couple of months, but she had to screw it all up. Now I don't even want to go on the water park trip we have been planning because it will be with her. Let her take the kids but count me out.

And just this weekend just DS and I were.at the lake with her and had a blast. She is so dang two faced it's not even funny. Ugh! I love her most of the time, but I need alternative child care so I can tell her to kiss my azz!

Re: Find a sitter or ride it out? More MIL drama!

  • SpookoSpooko
    10000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its Second Anniversary
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    I really think your DH should have handled that better. He just bailed? Why didn't he stand united with you? Does he even need to question you in front of everyone? Couldn't he have just said, "I'm sure she has a good reason. She takes phenomenal care of SD." ????

  • Find a sitter now. Might as well. You can tell mil that the sitter was doing first come first served and you didn't want to be SOL when school started. AndPlusAlso, you were way more calm after that snotty outburst, than I would have been.
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  • My H would be sleeping on the couch for a LONG time if he questioned me in front of everyone like that. MIL sounds awful! 

    I would wait for an after school option. It will save you the money until then and you've put up with MIL this long it will be here before you know it.

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  • Yeah, I really don't want to get into what DH should have or could done differently. Because we all know by now that he has a lot of faults in this area. I don't need advise there because it doesn't matter. Nothing is going change him but him. That is something I have come to terms with. Lucky for him, the areas where he does well outshines his lack of ''stand up to his mom ness'' or ''on the same page with me ness.'' If that makes sense. FWIW, he did fully agree.with and support my decision, he is just tired of being put in the middle. And last night he finally realized and thanked me for always being so graceful about it. He said he realizes now that it has always been his mom putting him in the middle of arguments between me and her that don't even need o exist and wouldn't if she would quit undermining me. She does the same to H. He just refuses to stand up to her. I am beginning to uncover to uncover the unsettled childhood reasons why he is so unwilling to challenge her, but I won't go into that here. He just is so afraid of losing her now that he has rebuilt a relationship. Apparently, she was not the best BM in the world like everyone thinks.

    Anyway, yes, I think I will just talk to DH about finding after school care for her. MIL will be busy coaching cheerleading anyway. There is an awesome taekwando sp? after school program here that I think we might be able to afford with DH's new job...
  • I would put my foot down and find a sitter. MIL can't walk all over you like that, and you seriously shouldn't be putting up with it. I sure as heck would not.
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  • image karatechrissy:
    Find a sitter now. Might as well. You can tell mil that the sitter was doing first come first served and you didn't want to be SOL when school started. AndPlusAlso, you were way more calm after that snotty outburst, than I would have been.

    Forget the excuses. You don't need one. Remove MIL from the situation. She obviously is not on board with your parenting.  Bye-bye!

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
  • image +just+j+:

    image karatechrissy:
    Find a sitter now. Might as well. You can tell mil that the sitter was doing first come first served and you didn't want to be SOL when school started. AndPlusAlso, you were way more calm after that snotty outburst, than I would have been.

    Forget the excuses. You don't need one. Remove MIL from the situation. She obviously is not on board with your parenting.  Bye-bye!

    I do agree that excuses suck, but I'm a really non-confrontaitonal person, and tend to try to think of an 'out' before hand if I happen to get put on the spot. If she knows being blunt is going to just make things worse, it's easier to just give some other explanation. That's my reasoning on suggesting what I did. I agree with you totally though. I wish I could be more strong in that area of telling people to fluff off...  

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  • I'm sorry, but your DH's emotional issues do not superceed your rights to a sane life.  IT JUST DOES NOT.

    If I have learned anything from my SS's issues and the number of therapists who have worked with us, it is that YOU cannot change their crazy, but YOU CAN AND SHOULD REMOVE YOURSELF FROM IT.

    So what will happen if you tell your DH that you and the kids will no longer spend time with MIL?   That you will no longer allow her to undermine you in YOUR children's presence (something that every single parenting specialist has said over and over and over again is extremely detrimental) and that he is welcome to continue to visit her but not with the kids.

    Will he divorce you?  Then good.  You do not need this.

    I finally stood my ground when SS's behavior started affecting DD.  I even TOLD DH that it could.  And guess who has done some of SS's pissypants behaviors - using the exact same words ?  

     

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  • You have a DH problem.
     
    Until you correct DH problem, the MIL and SD drama will be your life. 
  • image Ilumine:
    I'm sorry, but your DH's emotional issues do not superceed your rights to a sane life. nbsp;IT JUST DOES NOT.If I have learned anything from my SS's issues and the number of therapists who have worked with us, it is that YOU cannot change their crazy, but YOU CAN AND SHOULD REMOVE YOURSELF FROM IT. So what will happen if you tell your DH that you and the kids will no longer spend time with MIL? nbsp; That you will no longer allow her to undermine you in YOUR children's presence something that every single parenting specialist has said over and over and over again is extremely detrimental and that he is welcome to continue to visit her but not with the kids.Will he divorce you? nbsp;Then good. nbsp;You do not need this. I finally stood my ground when SS's behavior started affecting DD. nbsp;I even TOLD DH that it could. nbsp;And guess who has done some of SS's pissypants behaviors using the exact same words ? nbsp;nbsp;

    Ilumine she has already said that he made it clear that he would divorce her before going against his Mom. She is not willing to allow that. I am very interested to see what happens if she gets a sitter now and if her DH actually backs her on it because I don't think he will. I really believe he will tell her no and that his Mom is still watching the kids and that SD is his concern. Hopefully I am wrong and he changes some and sees his Moms issues. I have said time and time again that I worry about Ambvran and I don't know how she will tip toe around him for the rest of her life.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • image Littlejen22:
    image Ilumine:
    I'm sorry, but your DH's emotional issues do not superceed your rights to a sane life. nbsp;IT JUST DOES NOT.If I have learned anything from my SS's issues and the number of therapists who have worked with us, it is that YOU cannot change their crazy, but YOU CAN AND SHOULD REMOVE YOURSELF FROM IT. So what will happen if you tell your DH that you and the kids will no longer spend time with MIL? nbsp; That you will no longer allow her to undermine you in YOUR children's presence something that every single parenting specialist has said over and over and over again is extremely detrimental and that he is welcome to continue to visit her but not with the kids.Will he divorce you? nbsp;Then good. nbsp;You do not need this. I finally stood my ground when SS's behavior started affecting DD. nbsp;I even TOLD DH that it could. nbsp;And guess who has done some of SS's pissypants behaviors using the exact same words ? nbsp;nbsp;
    Ilumine she has already said that he made it clear that he would divorce her before going against his Mom. She is not willing to allow that. I am very interested to see what happens if she gets a sitter now and if her DH actually backs her on it because I don't think he will. I really believe he will tell her no and that his Mom is still watching the kids and that SD is his concern. Hopefully I am wrong and he changes some and sees his Moms issues. I have said time and time again that I worry about Ambvran and I don't know how she will tip toe around him for the rest of her life.

    But isn't totally stepping back - ie allowing MIL unfettered access to SD, and DuH without her presence exactly what MIL wants?  And if MIL is happy, then DuH is happy. 

    And while Amb is not around to see what is going on, she is not around to see and hear what is going on and HER stress level drops.

     

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  • image Littlejen22:
    image Ilumine:
    I'm sorry, but your DH's emotional issues do not superceed your rights to a sane life. nbsp;IT JUST DOES NOT.If I have learned anything from my SS's issues and the number of therapists who have worked with us, it is that YOU cannot change their crazy, but YOU CAN AND SHOULD REMOVE YOURSELF FROM IT. So what will happen if you tell your DH that you and the kids will no longer spend time with MIL? nbsp; That you will no longer allow her to undermine you in YOUR children's presence something that every single parenting specialist has said over and over and over again is extremely detrimental and that he is welcome to continue to visit her but not with the kids.Will he divorce you? nbsp;Then good. nbsp;You do not need this. I finally stood my ground when SS's behavior started affecting DD. nbsp;I even TOLD DH that it could. nbsp;And guess who has done some of SS's pissypants behaviors using the exact same words ? nbsp;nbsp;
    Ilumine she has already said that he made it clear that he would divorce her before going against his Mom. She is not willing to allow that. I am very interested to see what happens if she gets a sitter now and if her DH actually backs her on it because I don't think he will. I really believe he will tell her no and that his Mom is still watching the kids and that SD is his concern. Hopefully I am wrong and he changes some and sees his Moms issues. I have said time and time again that I worry about Ambvran and I don't know how she will tip toe around him for the rest of her life.

     Wow.  Really? He said that?  Is she a super rich woman and he'll inherit billions when she dies and he and his kids and his kids' kids will never have to worry about money?  If not.... What is there to say? 

  • SigirSigir
    250 Answers 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary
    member
    I am so sorry. I know you are committed to doing whatever it takes to make your marriage last but I just don't think this is sustainable over the long term. I feel so badly for you when I read your posts, for the most part, bc I've btdt [not w a mil who is so overbearing but your husb sounds v similar to my exh in many ways]. I just hope that if you are really committed to sticking it out no matter what, which I question the value of doing, that you can find a way to disingage and be at peace.

    Personally, when I finally stood up for me and got out, I regretted the years I wasted. Still do. I just hope that is not where you end up. Wasted years suck.
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