Working Moms

Such a dumb vent

I had 4 days off to spend with DS which was amazing so yesterday had a case of the Monday blues . My MiL watches DS on mon and tues for me and for
No
Reason at all yesterday she annoyed the heck out of me. I came home and she had put DS down for a nap at 6pm right when I walked in.. No idea why she was napping him that late and it screwed up the rest of our time
Together . Then when he woke up she would not get out of his face and he kept staring at her. I get 2 hrs with him a day. I want alone time
To bond with him. She also finds it necessary to tell me how much he loves her and kisses her and they lay in bed and snuggle all the time. I'm being a baby bc I miss my baby but she's not making it any easier for me! I'm considering a switch in the fall anyway but I'm scared its for my own selfish reasons and not necessarily in the best interest of
DS . Vent over , just having a rough patch !!

Re: Such a dumb vent

  • Aww hun, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I'm sure your MIL means well though. Can you not have MIL watch your DS? If not, could you maybe make your expectations clearer to her? You and your SO should maybe sit down and lay out a schedule, including when his last nap should be, and when her "day has ended". KWIM?

    GL.

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  • How old is your DS? When I first went back to work my MIL watched DD and it was kind of the same. I would get very jealous and my MIL would not leave DD alone even when DH and I got home from work. Eventually I got over it and we dropped hints that DD was our's when we got home from work. I think MIL was mostly trying to help. MIL stayed with us until DD was just about 6 months and now DD goes to daycare, which I think is much better. If it really is getting to you and you see no end in sight, I would consider having your DH talk to her. DH did a bit of this and it was helpful. GL!

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  • rvascrvasc
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    I would be annoyed by that.

    I would also wonder if it really is in his best interest to stay with her if they are laying around snuggling all the time. I don't know how old he is, but if he's really little, take heart: he will put an end to that as soon as he is mobile!

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  • That is not a dumb vent - that would really bother me too.

     

  • Not a dumb vent at all. I have my mom watching DS for us. I am cutting back the days she watches him for the same reasons.  She began acting like he was her son, not mine. That doesn't fly with me.
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  • The transition going back to work is tough. And your MIL is probably overstaying her welcome at the end of the day. But.

    That said, it's free childcare two days a week by someone who really adores him. You're lucky. A lot of people would love to have that arrangement. Your MIL is doing you a favor, not vice versa. You can talk to her, or have your DH talk to her, about what she can do to help ease the transition for you, but at the end of the day, this is a petty thing in the grand scheme of things. There's no reason to be jealous. Your DS knows you're his mom, but the grandparent relationship is special too. There's room for both of you.

    But if this isn't working out, there's always daycare or a nanny.
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  • I don't think that you're being petty or that it's a dumb vent at all. At the end of the day, you feel how you feel. Going back to work is such a hard transition, and while it's nice that your MIL is able to provide you with free childcare for a couple days a week, at the end of the day, it might not be the best option. 

    Relationships with MIL's are tough. I've met ONE person who really truly gets along fabulously with her - seriously, ONE person. If you have an open enough relationship, I'd be clear about expectations and how some of the things she says or does are making going back to work stressful for you. (Who knows, she may think that by letting you know he's getting snuggles and love all day that she's easing your mind - maybe she just needs to hear that it's doing the opposite.) If you don't have that relationship with her, maybe it's time to suck it up and pay for a real DCP.

    Either way, I don't envy your situation. 

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  • It'd not s dumb vent.  It is really hard to leave our LO's in the care of others.  It is great that your MIL loves him that much, but I would suggest that you talk to her.  I imagine that she has no idea that she's making it hard on you by spending that extra time at the end of the day with him or by saying how much he loves her.  Just be honest and hopefully she will change some of her behavior.
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  • jd614jd614
    250 Answers 100 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
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    I do feel like its petty bc she loves my son so much. I should say we do pay her for those days and she lives with us from sun night til tues night bc she comes from 2 hrs away. That also
    Makes it hard. I get home at 6,
    I want to be with DS til bedtime at 730 then I just want to be alone or with DH which is never the case those 2
    Nights. Regardless I just feel unhappy and feel like I'd be a better mom if we made a change and I were happier. I'm just trying to make sure that's the right thing and not me being selfish.
  • I completely sympathize with the way you are feeling and don't think you are being petty or selfish. I'm planning on having my SIL (who has a LO of her own) watch our LO rather than either my mother or MIL for exactly this reason.   Maybe make a point when you come home of announcing that it's "Mommy Time" and taking LO into a room away from your MIL. 

    I think your DH can also have a conversation with his mother about boundaries in terms of that when you or DH come home, YOU are the primary care giver and she needs to take a step back and let the both of you have private bonding time with YOUR child. 

    I also agree with a PP that I don't think she's trying to brag and make you feel bad when she talks about how much LO loves her or the time they spend together, but she could be alerted (by your DH) that you are sensitive about this and her comments aren't helping you feel less guilty about not being home with him.   

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  • I get where you're coming from. It's really hard to hear that someone else is getting to have all the cuddles with your kid when you have to go to work every day. I struggle with this sometimes too. My MIL would be the same way though.. she does it all the time... She'll easily say how much DD loves EVERYONE ELSE, including herself. I've learned to just ignore her.

    Though MIL offered to care for DD full-time, DH and I declined because I felt like it would be too much. MIL can be overbearing, and I know that I'd be mad at her a lot for stuff like you listed above among other things (such as criticizing my parenting). I like that DD is in a daycare with a neutral party so that her day is organized like I feel it needs to be. MIL is anti-social, and if DD were with her full-time, she'd never see another kid, and MIL doesn't even go outside. My daycare provider takes every friday off in the summer, so DD will be going for those days between my mom and MIL, and I'm okay with them taking her one day a week, but I couldn't handle either of them having her every day... And I really don't want them up that much in our business either.

    The way I like it is that grandparents are grandparents, and daycare is daycare. I know some people have great moms or in-laws and are totally okay with having their parents care for their children, I just don't feel the same way with my mom/ILs.

  • image jd614:
    I do feel like its petty bc she loves my son so much. I should say we do pay her for those days and she lives with us from sun night til tues night bc she comes from 2 hrs away. That also Makes it hard. I get home at 6, I want to be with DS til bedtime at 730 then I just want to be alone or with DH which is never the case those 2 Nights. Regardless I just feel unhappy and feel like I'd be a better mom if we made a change and I were happier. I'm just trying to make sure that's the right thing and not me being selfish.

    Cut yourself some slack. This is a difficult situation to be in. We have both my parents living with us 24/7 and taking care of our DD M-F while we work. It has been a great experience, but also one that takes a lot of work, and great communication between all parties involved. 

    One of the things that has helped us make it work is setting clear expectations with my parents. I am very straightforward about our wishes in terms of feeding and sleeping, and that when we are home they are "off the clock" unless we specifically ask them to help us out. DH & I have also learned that we need to schedule more date nights and find at least 30min a night where we are by ourselves to just be a couple, or family unit without my parents. We will take DD for a walk with the dog, or go for a swim in our pool after DD is asleep, or just turn in early for the night and chat in our room. On the weekends we like to take DD out to the Zoo or museum or park and jsut spend at least one of the days without my parents.

    As challenging as it has been to adjust to living together and caring for DD. I also have to acknowledge all the benefits we have because my parents are there. DD already at 14months has such a great relationship with both her Nana and Grandpa, my Dad does so many other things for us besides help take care of DD...He does all of our laundry, loads and unloads the dishwasher and cleans up the kitchen after dinner, he grocery shops, he cuts our lawn if DH is too busy with work, he runs errands for us, he vacuums and feeds our dog with his two.

    I never had a bad reaction to returning to work, so I can't relate there. It made me so calm and relaxed and confident to know it was my parents watching her. I was really able to focus on work and not worry about whether she was ok and being cared for well. 

    I have also never experienced any jealousy when I see how much my parents adore DD, or how much she loves them.  DD makes it obvious she knows I am her mother and that she loves me "best" and my parents have been fabulous about following our wishes and being off the childcare clock when DH & I are home.

    Only you can decide what is right for your family, your MIL as caregiver, or a different option? whichever it is, things can't remain the same because it doesn't sound like they are working at all. You either need to have a serious discussion with MIL and set new boundaries and expectations for her,you and DH, or you have to decide to use a DCP, Nanny etc. 

  • image jd614:
    I do feel like its petty bc she loves my son so much. I should say we do pay her for those days and she lives with us from sun night til tues night bc she comes from 2 hrs away. That also Makes it hard. I get home at 6, I want to be with DS til bedtime at 730 then I just want to be alone or with DH which is never the case those 2 Nights. Regardless I just feel unhappy and feel like I'd be a better mom if we made a change and I were happier. I'm just trying to make sure that's the right thing and not me being selfish.

    This sounds like a really tough arrangement for you. I don't blame you at all for struggling with it. I may have missed how old your DS is but I think your feelings are totally normal if you have recently returned to work.

    You need to figure out a way to let her know that when you walk in the door after work you really want her "off the clock" as a babysitter. I think you can frame it as wanting to make sure she gets a break or you can just tell her straight out "I missed him so much today I need to have some cuddles and baby/mama time right now."

    Also, after he goes to bed you do need to make some time for yourself. You shouldn't be forced to hang out with her all evening if this is a long term arrangement. Go take a bubble bath and read a book in bed. Hopefully she has her own comfortable private space in your house so she can relax and have some alone time too. 

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  • Nicb13Nicb13
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers Second Anniversary
    member

    Ok I'm lost. You are upset because you have a family member watching your child (maybe for free) and she loves him very much, treats him good and you're upset with this? You call yourself a baby in this post and I totally agree with you.

    You said that when he woke up from his nap your MIL was in his face and that took away your time with him? Does she live with you? If not, then take your kid home and spend time with him.

    I think this vent might just stem from your own unhappiness about not spending enough time with your kid and I totally get that. I miss DS too and wish I had more time with him but I will NEVER, for the life of me, understand why people complain about in-laws or their own parents loving their grandchildren too much.

    My mother would be crushed if I didn't let her watch DS as much during the week because of a reason like this.

    ETA: I see that she does live with you part time. She is rearranging her life to help you out and you are complaining? Wow. If you can't be honest with her and say you need more alone time with your child then you should ask her to leave.

     

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  • Nicb13Nicb13
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers Second Anniversary
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    The late nap thing I understand. The rest of the vent is ridiculous to me but you are entitled to feel what you want.

     

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  • jd614jd614
    250 Answers 100 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    member
    image Nicb13:
    Ok I'm lost. You are upset because you have a family member watching your child maybe for free and she loves him very much, treats him good and you're upset with this? You call yourself a baby in this post and I totally agree with you.You said that when he woke up from his nap your MIL was in his face and that took away your time with him? Does she live with you? If not, then take your kid home and spend time with him. I think this vent might just stem from your own unhappiness about not spending enough time with your kid and I totally get that. I miss DS too and wish I had more time with him but I will NEVER, for the life of me, understand why people complain about inlaws or their own parents loving their grandchildren too much.My mother would be crushed if I didn't let her watch DS as much during the week because of a reason like this.ETA: I see that she does live with you part time. She is rearranging her life to help you out and you are complaining? Wow. If you can't be honest with her and say you need more alone time with your child then you should ask her to leave.


    Yes sounds like u missed alot of the post but that's ok. She lives with us part time and we do pay her which I would insist on doing I'd never let her do it for free I would feel bad totally just me! never mentioned that I thought she loved him too much simply just want some alone time with my son when we get home at night since im gone 13 hrs a day. I don't really think that's out of the realm of rationality I think one on one bonding time is very important. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, and being a new working mom I'm entitled to days where I'm just missing my baby and need to vent in a neutral spot to not make my mother in law or DH feel bad.
  • Nicb13Nicb13
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers Second Anniversary
    member

    image jd614:
    image Nicb13:
    Ok I'm lost. You are upset because you have a family member watching your child maybe for free and she loves him very much, treats him good and you're upset with this? You call yourself a baby in this post and I totally agree with you.You said that when he woke up from his nap your MIL was in his face and that took away your time with him? Does she live with you? If not, then take your kid home and spend time with him. I think this vent might just stem from your own unhappiness about not spending enough time with your kid and I totally get that. I miss DS too and wish I had more time with him but I will NEVER, for the life of me, understand why people complain about inlaws or their own parents loving their grandchildren too much.My mother would be crushed if I didn't let her watch DS as much during the week because of a reason like this.ETA: I see that she does live with you part time. She is rearranging her life to help you out and you are complaining? Wow. If you can't be honest with her and say you need more alone time with your child then you should ask her to leave.
    Yes sounds like u missed alot of the post but that's ok. She lives with us part time and we do pay her which I would insist on doing I'd never let her do it for free I would feel bad totally just me! never mentioned that I thought she loved him too much simply just want some alone time with my son when we get home at night since im gone 13 hrs a day. I don't really think that's out of the realm of rationality I think one on one bonding time is very important. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, and being a new working mom I'm entitled to days where I'm just missing my baby and need to vent in a neutral spot to not make my mother in law or DH feel bad.

    This is a great place to vent but you will also get opinions and point of views that you might not like.

    I'm not one to stay in a situation that makes me miserable or unhappy so I'd make a change or have a very open and honest conversation with my MIL about how I'm feeling :)

     

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  • jd614jd614
    250 Answers 100 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    member
    image Nicb13:

    image jd614:
    image Nicb13:
    Ok I'm lost. You are upset because you have a family member watching your child maybe for free and she loves him very much, treats him good and you're upset with this? You call yourself a baby in this post and I totally agree with you.You said that when he woke up from his nap your MIL was in his face and that took away your time with him? Does she live with you? If not, then take your kid home and spend time with him. I think this vent might just stem from your own unhappiness about not spending enough time with your kid and I totally get that. I miss DS too and wish I had more time with him but I will NEVER, for the life of me, understand why people complain about inlaws or their own parents loving their grandchildren too much.My mother would be crushed if I didn't let her watch DS as much during the week because of a reason like this.ETA: I see that she does live with you part time. She is rearranging her life to help you out and you are complaining? Wow. If you can't be honest with her and say you need more alone time with your child then you should ask her to leave.


    Yes sounds like u missed alot of the post but that's ok. She lives with us part time and we do pay her which I would insist on doing I'd never let her do it for free I would feel bad totally just me! never mentioned that I thought she loved him too much simply just want some alone time with my son when we get home at night since im gone 13 hrs a day. I don't really think that's out of the realm of rationality I think one on one bonding time is very important. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, and being a new working mom I'm entitled to days where I'm just missing my baby and need to vent in a neutral spot to not make my mother in law or DH feel bad.

    This is a great place to vent but you will also get opinions and point of views that you might not like.

    I'm not one to stay in a situation that makes me miserable or unhappy so I'd make a change or have a very open and honest conversation with my MIL about how I'm feeling :)



    You are 100 right. DH and I decided we are going to look at day cares and interview nannies this fall and then decide ultimately which option is best!
  • image DiveFrog:

    image jd614:
    I do feel like its petty bc she loves my son so much. I should say we do pay her for those days and she lives with us from sun night til tues night bc she comes from 2 hrs away. That also Makes it hard. I get home at 6, I want to be with DS til bedtime at 730 then I just want to be alone or with DH which is never the case those 2 Nights. Regardless I just feel unhappy and feel like I'd be a better mom if we made a change and I were happier. I'm just trying to make sure that's the right thing and not me being selfish.

    Cut yourself some slack. This is a difficult situation to be in. We have both my parents living with us 24/7 and taking care of our DD M-F while we work. It has been a great experience, but also one that takes a lot of work, and great communication between all parties involved. 

    One of the things that has helped us make it work is setting clear expectations with my parents. I am very straightforward about our wishes in terms of feeding and sleeping, and that when we are home they are "off the clock" unless we specifically ask them to help us out. DH & I have also learned that we need to schedule more date nights and find at least 30min a night where we are by ourselves to just be a couple, or family unit without my parents. We will take DD for a walk with the dog, or go for a swim in our pool after DD is asleep, or just turn in early for the night and chat in our room. On the weekends we like to take DD out to the Zoo or museum or park and jsut spend at least one of the days without my parents.

    As challenging as it has been to adjust to living together and caring for DD. I also have to acknowledge all the benefits we have because my parents are there. DD already at 14months has such a great relationship with both her Nana and Grandpa, my Dad does so many other things for us besides help take care of DD...He does all of our laundry, loads and unloads the dishwasher and cleans up the kitchen after dinner, he grocery shops, he cuts our lawn if DH is too busy with work, he runs errands for us, he vacuums and feeds our dog with his two.

    I never had a bad reaction to returning to work, so I can't relate there. It made me so calm and relaxed and confident to know it was my parents watching her. I was really able to focus on work and not worry about whether she was ok and being cared for well. 

    I have also never experienced any jealousy when I see how much my parents adore DD, or how much she loves them.  DD makes it obvious she knows I am her mother and that she loves me "best" and my parents have been fabulous about following our wishes and being off the childcare clock when DH & I are home.

    Only you can decide what is right for your family, your MIL as caregiver, or a different option? whichever it is, things can't remain the same because it doesn't sound like they are working at all. You either need to have a serious discussion with MIL and set new boundaries and expectations for her,you and DH, or you have to decide to use a DCP, Nanny etc. 

    I agree with the bolded 100%.  My mom watches DD while I'm at work and while yes sometimes we have our disagreements about certain things I love that I don't have to worry about her while I'm at work. 

    DD LOVES my mom and I am not jealous of their relationship at all.  I had a very close relationship with both sets of grandparents growing up and I want DD to have that with her grandparents.

    Honestly though I don't know if I would feel the same way if it were my MIL.  I like my MIL but I don't know that I would want her watching DD and she has also made it clear on multiple occasions that she doesn't agree with my parenting choices.   Relationships with MIL are super tough.  In the end you have to do what is right for you and your family.

    image
  • image jd614:
    image Nicb13:

    image jd614:
    image Nicb13:
    Ok I'm lost. You are upset because you have a family member watching your child maybe for free and she loves him very much, treats him good and you're upset with this? You call yourself a baby in this post and I totally agree with you.You said that when he woke up from his nap your MIL was in his face and that took away your time with him? Does she live with you? If not, then take your kid home and spend time with him. I think this vent might just stem from your own unhappiness about not spending enough time with your kid and I totally get that. I miss DS too and wish I had more time with him but I will NEVER, for the life of me, understand why people complain about inlaws or their own parents loving their grandchildren too much.My mother would be crushed if I didn't let her watch DS as much during the week because of a reason like this.ETA: I see that she does live with you part time. She is rearranging her life to help you out and you are complaining? Wow. If you can't be honest with her and say you need more alone time with your child then you should ask her to leave.
    Yes sounds like u missed alot of the post but that's ok. She lives with us part time and we do pay her which I would insist on doing I'd never let her do it for free I would feel bad totally just me! never mentioned that I thought she loved him too much simply just want some alone time with my son when we get home at night since im gone 13 hrs a day. I don't really think that's out of the realm of rationality I think one on one bonding time is very important. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, and being a new working mom I'm entitled to days where I'm just missing my baby and need to vent in a neutral spot to not make my mother in law or DH feel bad.

    This is a great place to vent but you will also get opinions and point of views that you might not like.

    I'm not one to stay in a situation that makes me miserable or unhappy so I'd make a change or have a very open and honest conversation with my MIL about how I'm feeling :)

    You are 100 right. DH and I decided we are going to look at day cares and interview nannies this fall and then decide ultimately which option is best!

    OP, I don't think you are complaining about your MIL "loving your child too much" and I don't think you sound ungrateful. I just think it's not really working for you and looking at a daycare or nanny would be best for you.

    It would annoy me as well to have my MIL watch my DD. She likes to question everything I do and makes backhanded comments. But she loves DD to death and gets to hang out with her as a grandma when she wants.

     I much prefer daycare and it makes me so incredibly happy that DD's teachers there love her so much.   She loves them as well and I'm not one bit jealous.  It thrills me that DD has so many people in her life who adore her.  She also learns so much and is adorable with her little friends.  Daycare might work much better for you.   

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