Baby Names

NBNR: Moms with 2+ kids or One and Done? (long)

This is kind of my "home" bump board, and I know a lot of you have 2+ kids, so I thought this was a good place to ask.

Moms with 2+ kids....how did you know you wanted more?  Did you just "know"?  Were you on the fence and went with it and are happy with 2+ kids?  The H and I are having a really hard time deciding on whether to have another child.  We always thought we would have 2 children, but the more time that goes on, we are leaning more towards one and done.  We talk about it a lot, and the more we talk we feel like our family is complete.  But there's that nagging feeling like "what if?". And of course there's the people who are "you can't have JUST ONE!!!". I totally know that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, but it does make me wonder if we're really doing ourselves and our DD a disservice by only having one child.

I feel like if we don't do it soon, I don't want to even talk about it anymore.  But the H doesn't want to wake up one day when it's too late and say "I wish we tried for another."   I feel like we need something to help reassure us that whatever we choose is the right decision.  Is that even possible?  I do kind of want another just for the naming fun! Stick out tongue

I know it's totally selfish, but there are a lot of things I want to do that would be put on hold even longer if we had #2.  Our house, while functional, still needs some work (our kitchen is still living in 1985 while the rest of the house has been brought up to the 2010's) and if we had #2, those plans might not get done for quite some time (we pay cash for all home projects unless it's an emergency).  I just want my house to be DONE.  And, man, babies are a LOT of work!  LOL.  Just the thought of sleepless nights....ugh.  I know that period doesn't last forever (it was fairly short for DD#1), but we might not be blessed with another good sleeper.  I'm totally rambling now....There's 100 more things the H and I talk about with this, but the above is the main.

ANDplusalso....when I find out friends of ours are on #2 I feel verrrrrry slightly envious.  Just a twinge.  Is that a sign?  

On the flip side, did you have one and done? 

If you got through all that share your thoughts, experiences, whatever.  Should Ijust do it and not look back?  If we did try again it would be this fall. I NEED TO STOP TYPING NOW. 

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Re: NBNR: Moms with 2+ kids or One and Done? (long)

  • bobceebobcee
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    I don't think there's a way to ever know for sure.  Maybe making a list and really weighing the pros and cons. I had always wanted 2-3 kids.  DH probably would've been ok stopping at one if I was.  But we both are pretty close to our brothers and when we thought about it, really wanted DD to also have that experience and support as she grew up.  Now that I'm 10 days from my due date, I'm getting pretty nervous and sometimes think what have we done, how will DD react, etc....but it's typically only for a split second. I'm also pretty darn excited to be adding to our family and seeing how the dynamics will change and lookng forward to all the little things again.  Plus as they get older, hopefully they'll be able to entertain each other a bit which will be nice.  I'm excited to see DD as a big sister :)

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    D 2.20.2011 & Z 7.16.2013

  • We are likely one and done, but leaving the door open just in case.

    We adopted DD, so we are most certainly going through another adoption process, whether that's another infant adoption or a toddler adoption through foster care, we're not sure. The cost of adoption fees and adding another child to our family are the things that are holding us back right now. DH's job situation is somewhat fluid right now (he has a good job, but is looking to move up), so things may change one way or another depending on what happens with that.

    I am surprisingly OK with being one and done, even though I was never that way when I was younger. We have a great kid, a happy family, and I don't feel like DD is deprived in any way. There are times I watch her playing by herself in the yard and I feel like it would be nice for her to have a sibling. But I also know how much work that would entail, raising 2 kids vs 1.

    DH won't get rid of any of the baby stuff in our house--we just put the swing in storage "just in case". But we know we have a timeline where we need to make a solid decision one way or another. I'm not getting any younger.

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  • I don't have 2 yet, but we are trying, and I could have written your post almost word for word (except for the house stuff-- we are in a 3 br apartment-- so we have even less of our sh!t together-- if that makes you feel better).

    I literally swing back and forth in my head-- from wanting to be KTFU this second, to thinking I can wait another year-- or I think about being OAD.  Our lives would be so much simpler if I knew we wanted to be OAD. 

    But I just don't feel like we are finished yet.  I hated being pregnant and I hated the first 6 weeks of DD's life, but I am looking forward to the opputunity of having better experience on both fronts.

    We are nowhere close to being where we want to be financially and neither DH or I are close to where we want to be professionally, but we are both 33,  time's a tickin' and we are just going to make it work.  That's it.  Maybe.  I mean, sort of. I think.Big Smile

    No one can tell you when you are ready.  It's scary as all get out.  Good luck!

     

    Married 11/23/07 BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12

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  • TheWopTheWop
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    image bobcee:
    I don't think there's a way to ever know for sure.  Maybe making a list and really weighing the pros and cons. I had always wanted 2-3 kids.  DH probably would've been ok stopping at one if I was.  But we both are pretty close to our brothers and when we thought about it, really wanted DD to also have that experience and support as she grew up.  Now that I'm 10 days from my due date, I'm getting pretty nervous and sometimes think what have we done, how will DD react, etc....but it's typically only for a split second. I'm also pretty darn excited to be adding to our family and seeing how the dynamics will change and lookng forward to all the little things again.

    This is one of my issues, I think.  I wasn't really that close to my brothers growing up, but my H was/is really close with his sister.  I was the middle child with an older and younger brother (and a much younger adopted sister who didn't come inti our family until I was 16), we still aren't super close.  I mean, we get along, but I don't call up and confide in my siblings.  The H though, him and his sister talk about everything. I'm actually closer to his sister now that I ever have been with my brothers.

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  • image TheWop:

      I'm actually closer to his sister now that I ever have been with my brothers.

    And this may happen with your child too. I'm much closer to my SILs than my brothers.

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  • This will be a dilemma for us after #2 is born. I don't know if I want a third, at this moment I never want to be pregnant again, but I just don't know how I'll know if we're really DONE.

    I don't really have any advice, though. These decisions are hard! 


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  • My husband and I are pretty intense in our faith (we're Roman Catholic), so my mentality for my entire life has been that I will have as many children as I am blessed to conceive and I will mother as many children as are blessed to be born to me. One of my main criteria for choosing a husband was to find one that agreed with this. Since we married young, I can expect to have a slew of children, but I don't know the exact number I will end up with, and I am completely at peace with that. I'm already so blessed to have two in my arms and one on the way. Even if I never have another child, I will be happy with that. If I have seventeen (not that I would deliberately try to have seventeen), then I will be very stressed out, but still happy.

    GL with whatever you decide will work for your family.

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  • We'll be trying for #2 this fall- DD will be 2.75 yrs old when we start- I don't think I would have been ready a year ago, so I think your fear is normal!

    I think if anyone only thought logically about having a kid, then no one would ever do it. They're expensive, they prevent many date nights, vacations, etc... They're an extra source of stress. There are a million reasons to not have even one kid. That being said, I think it's all worth it.  When you look back at your life when you're 95 years old, you probably won't remember the kitchen being stuck in the 80s for a few more years, but you will remember the billion memories you had with your kids.

    Certainly, one and done is the right choice for a lot of people. To me, it just sounds like you're having normal apprehension.  You'd be crazy to not be nervous about 2 kids.  I'm still nervous, but if I like LO#2 even half as much as DD, then it's worth taking the leap.

    Just my 2 cents. :) 

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  • Before I had kids, I wanted like three or four.  Now that we have one, I realize how much work it is and how draining it can be.  Some people like the idea of having a lot of children around and devoting your life to them.  I totally get it.  I realized after DS1 that I didn't want that, and wanted two kids for similar reasons that you want one.  I want to be able to focus on my career, have extra money, do the things to our house that we want to, and TRAVEL.  Already, it's going to be YEARS until DS2 is in first grade and I feel we have to put a lot of what we want on hold until I can work more when he's in school.  I guess you could say it boils down to money.  

    DH never wanted a lot of kids.  He would have been fine if I said I was done with one.  The truth is that I did want DS1 to have a sibling.  I know it's never guaranteed that they will be friends, but I think in general people are glad they have siblings, especially once their parents are gone.

    We get some pressure from family to have a third, especially from my MIL.  (She has three, wishes she had more, and projects that on us a lot). 

    Interestingly, my mom and dad were convinced they were done once they had me and my younger brother.  When I was about 8 and my brother was 5, she said she got an overwhelming feeling she needed to have another baby, and my dad agreed.  So, a year later my other brother was born.  Just shows that you  never really know what's going to happen in future! 

    EDIT: I actually lurk sometimes on the One and Done board because in a weird way I feel I can relate.  Just like a lot of them are kind of adjusting and coming to terms with being one and done, I feel the same way about being two and done, since in my mind I always envisioned three kids. 


  • PPs have given a lot of good advice.  I think the decision should be based on your personality and lifestyle.   For example, my DH and I are very simple people in our day to day lives.  We don't have TV, we don't drive fancy new cars, we don't live in a house that eats up half of his take home pay.  We save our money for travel, the Roth, and our kids.  We live comfortably, but not extravagantly.  People have different views on how to live their lives, and that's great.  You just have decide what are the priorities in your life.

    One other thing I would add that I feel is SO important: if you do decide to have 2, have them closer together rather than farther apart.  My sister's DD was born when her DS was 8.  The poor boy never got a real childhood because everything revolved around the DD for the next 4-5 years.    

  • Here is a glimpse at our twoandthrough process:

    http://heavenstomurgatroyd.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/twoandthrough/

    Hope it helps!
    Married! | July 15, 2005 | It's a Girl! | January 31, 2009 | It's a Girl! | July 21, 2011
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  • image Purelife21:

    PPs have given a lot of good advice.  I think the decision should be based on your personality and lifestyle.   For example, my DH and I are very simple people in our day to day lives.  We don't have TV, we don't drive fancy new cars, we don't live in a house that eats up half of his take home pay.  We save our money for travel, the Roth, and our kids.  We live comfortably, but not extravagantly.  People have different views on how to live their lives, and that's great.  You just have decide what are the priorities in your life.

    One other thing I would add that I feel is SO important: if you do decide to have 2, have them closer together rather than farther apart.  My sister's DD was born when her DS was 8.  The poor boy never got a real childhood because everything revolved around the DD for the next 4-5 years.    

    He also had a childhood revolved around him for 8 years all alone.  Its not something that happens with EVERY person that has children spaced further apart.  Seems like something your sister needed to work on.  Having kids close together doesn't work for every one and not everyone wants that.  Seems like a pretty blanketed statement for something you have ONE instance of being an issue.

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  • Well, we always said 3-4 kids and except for the end of pregnancy misery with DS I've always desired that many.  I had IF for years so I did have to realize sometimes these things are out of my hands, but we were blessed with DD and have every reason to know believe conception should no longer be difficult for me. 

    I think there timing is a big thing.  If you're not at the point where an OB will worry about AMA then it might mean that it's just not the right time for #2 for you.  I realized shortly before DS turned 2 that I felt ready to have another.  Then I got pregnant on the first cycle and honestly, if I hadn't I might have changed my mind and put it off for another year because I had a crappy pregnancy (just a lot of sickness) and DS hit the terrible 2's a few different times.  But we were able to communicate with him, he understood "no" and waiting by this point, so it's a big difference than if we had tried any earlier.  

    Again at one point during this pregnancy I really thought I might be done.  I never felt "done" though.  I'd start to think about how I wasn't ready for this to be my last pregnancy, as grumpy as I was, it just wasn't the end.  And I was worried about the sleepness nights again but, it's so different this time.  Granted, she's just a better sleeper, but I am more experienced too.  With DS I would scoop him up for the smallest sound for the longest time, this time I knew better.  Her screaming in the car on the way to the store doesn't tear me apart the way it did with DS, and thus I'm actually willing to get out of the house more often which makes us all happier.  Breastfeeding has been much easier.  Getting into a routine with baby, with my life and feeling like "me" and not just "mommy" has been much easier this time.  And I'm so much more relaxed.  The other day I took the baby out during church to feed her and my toddler came running, literally sprinting, down the aisle after me, with DH running behind him.  Last year this time I would have been mortified, but I just shrugged it off.  I have left her with my mom for several hours and much earlier, I've even supplemented with formula a few times, I've let DH try to handle her when she's crying instead of skipping a shower.  In short, I am no longer worried about trying to be "perfect" or thinking that I'm entirely indespensible and can't see to my own needs.  I think living through toddler tantrums have helped a lot.  I wouldn't let her CIO at this age of course (6 weeks!) but I do know she can cry for 2 minutes while I pee and it is not hurting her or scarring her for life.

    At this point, I know our family is not complete in my heart.  I can't say that we'd be willing to go through IVF or adoption to have a third, but if we can have another naturally then we will. A really big thing I've noticed with DS (2.5) lately is that he talks non-stop and I will be soooooo happy when DD can play and talk to him and won't just be me.  I am so glad we have a sibling for DS.  I had 3 siblings and it now makes sense to me why I have fewer memories of my parents than siblings.  It's not that they didn't have time to spend with each of us (as many people fear) it's that we preferred each other, we had built in best friends and constant playmates.  Of course we didn't always get along (rarely so, actually) but kids need peers to play with and that I had versus only my mother or visits from friends. 

    We'll see as to when though, sometimes I think doing it earlier and then being done might be good, in addition to the promise of at least one kid napping, other times I think a greater distance would be better.  We'll see.  And 4 is still a possibility, but I will admit there are times when we already feel outnumbered with just 2 (like when they both only want me) so I can only imagine what they will pull off with #3.  Then again, I hear once you're outnumbered it doesn't make much of a difference so perhaps it will be 4 after all.

    And because this is a baby names board I do have to say, I'm not done using names yet.  That wouldn't be the only or biggest deciding factor but since I am for it in every other way I will be honest and admit that ideally I'd love to have one more of each.

    As to the house and projects like that.  There will always be those things, or other things.  You could completely finish your house and then a tree fall on it.  I wouldn't limit my life and real life experiences to have my house finished.  Now, if you're mid-reno I would wait before getting pregnant because that's a lot of stress but if you're just contemplating deciding between baby #2 or redoing the kitchen I'd pick baby.  

    Personally, I've never thought of being one and done so maybe I'm not the best one to give an opinion!  It's just something I can't quite relate to, to me it sounds like your reasons for not going for #2 are just normal things that happen in life.  And if you're not prone to being overly anxious and actually like children, can afford them and are a good parent (not abusive etc.) then I don't really see clear arguments to stop at one. 

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  • DH and I always wanted 3 kids.  As I was nearing the end of my third pregnancy, I knew I didn't feel done.  I brought it up to DH thinking he would talk me out of the crazy but he agreed with me!  He didn't feel done either.  So, after #3 was born, we were slowly considering the possibility of a 4th sometime in the future and BOOM, pregnant.  We were shocked, but I was relieved that the decision was made for us!

    But, like I've always said, you will only ever regret NOT having that next kid.  You will never, ever regret doing it.

    GL! 

    ________________________________________________________________


    Carter Robert 7.18.08 | Brynn Sophia 5.24.10 | Reid Joseph 9.10.12 | Emerson Mae 1.27.14


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  • We're in our 30s and still don't own a house, so if that were something we had to do before we had all our kids, my eggs would fossilize first.  Though I can relate because there are things I want to do in the next couple of years that may well preclude ever having #3, which is fine.  I think I am fine with 2 (though I would like to name another too!).

    It took us quite a while to commit to having #2, not because DD was difficult or anything, it's just hard to start over and we were cruising along so nicely just with one.  But I always wondered what it would be like to have a biological sibling (I have an adopted sister whom I love but my parents had no other kids) and DH is from a big family, so it was hard for me to imagine DD not having any siblings.  That by itself is not a reason to have another child, but it was a big reason I wanted to, and of course DS is inherently an awesome kid and I'm glad I had him.  I kind of figure, once you have a child you don't regret it, but you might regret not having another, you know?  But it's just hard even to know that for yourself, let alone for another set of parents.

    I don't think the age difference between kids is that big a deal.  I like having four years between our two.  If I were any younger, I'd do it again, and then DD would be eight when we had #3, and...not have a childhood, I guess?  I mean, older kids from large families inevitably end up with younger siblings to distract their parents; DH is the oldest of eight and there was constantly a baby in the house, and he survived somehow.  Everyone manages their families differently, but they manage.  It's the 2u2 thing that blows my mind, personally, but plenty of people do that.

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  • MarseeMarsee
    Ninth Anniversary 250 Answers 500 Comments Combo Breaker
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    We're struggling through this same decision, so I really have no advice for you.

    <------ Have you checked out the new OAD board? Maybe you could ask how they decided to be OAD.

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  • Before DH and I even got married we decided we would have at least 3, we now have 4 and hope to add 1 more! We both have siblings and couldn't imagine being only children. It's nice to have that family "back up" throughout your life.
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  • If you aren't sure you're truly done then you probably aren't done! I think you'd regret not having another one more than you'd regret having another one.
  • I'm sorry its stressing you guys out so much. For us we definitely knew after #2 we wanted a third. Her timing surprised us a bit, we hadn't "officially" started trying yet when I got the bfp, but in retrospect it was perfect. We had just moved from an apartment into a big old house and I had tons of plans and projects. We were there for three months when Bam! BFP haha Now our kids are 7,5,3 and I am having serious pangs for a fourth- DH isn't 100% against but I think enough that I'm not going to push it. I know lots of only children who grew up pefectly happy and well adjusted but for us- both coming from 3 sib families- it just wasn't a question we would have 2+ even if it meant adopting. All I can say without really knowing you is It seems you are leaning enough towards it that you will Never regret having another child to love but maybe regret not down the road?? Good luck I hope whatever you chose you are happy with it!
  • I think this has been a really useful thread, I'm glad you asked this question here. I really appreciated the variety of responses people have given. I do agree with the PP who said if you don't KNOW you're done, then you're probably not. I will also say that I'm not sure the sentiment that you won't regret another child, but you may regret not having one is the basis off of which to make a decision.

    I will also say that I think there's not the rush you may see, unless you're getting to be AMA, which I don't know. As far as spacing of children, I think you have plenty of time. I also disagree that having children spaced farther apart robs the older of a childhood - that is a really bizarre statement. My sister and I were 6 years apart, and both had great and complete childhoods, and although we weren't terribly close when we were younger, once we were both out of the house and off to college, we are very close. It's just harder for a high schooler to relate to an elementary school kid, but that was a small portion of the rest of our lives.

     My suggestion would be to wait it out. Don't do anything permanent in terms of birth control, keep working on what you want to get done, and wait and see if they time feels right. If it never does, it never does, but you're not closing any doors. 

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  • TheWopTheWop
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    image Guillerma:

    I think this has been a really useful thread, I'm glad you asked this question here. I really appreciated the variety of responses people have given. I do agree with the PP who said if you don't KNOW you're done, then you're probably not. I will also say that I'm not sure the sentiment that you won't regret another child, but you may regret not having one is the basis off of which to make a decision.

    I will also say that I think there's not the rush you may see, unless you're getting to be AMA, which I don't know. As far as spacing of children, I think you have plenty of time. I also disagree that having children spaced farther apart robs the older of a childhood - that is a really bizarre statement. My sister and I were 6 years apart, and both had great and complete childhoods, and although we weren't terribly close when we were younger, once we were both out of the house and off to college, we are very close. It's just harder for a high schooler to relate to an elementary school kid, but that was a small portion of the rest of our lives.

     My suggestion would be to wait it out. Don't do anything permanent in terms of birth control, keep working on what you want to get done, and wait and see if they time feels right. If it never does, it never does, but you're not closing any doors. 

    I agree with those that say that if I'm really undecided, I'm probably not done. I'm not 100% at peace with saying OAD, but I don't know if I want more.  I wish this was easier.   I'm not old (29 no medical issues) so I know I have time, but I'd rather just be done with it if we do decide to have another.   

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