Blended Families

Intro & when did you tell the ex?

Hello!  I have been lurking on this board for a few weeks now.  My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now, and are expecting our first LO in January.  I have a 10 year old DD from a previous marriage that my DH has been around since she was 5 and he treats her like his own. 

 

Long story short, her dad is a POS.  He moved many states away when she was young (we split before she was a year old).  We haven't seen him in two years, and it was 4 years since we had seen him before that. He says he will call every week, but that may be two or three weeks apart.  He breaks her heart all the time saying he will come when he knows he doesn't have the money to. 

 

So, all that to ask of those who have BTDT, when did you tell your ex you were PG?  He doesn't see me, we aren't friends on FaceBook even though he tries, and we have only one mutual friend, and they don't talk much either. I really don't care to share anything about my life with him that doesn't have to do with DD, not that he really stops talking about himself long enough on the phone calls to listen to anything we say.

AnnRenee 1/21/03
Luke 12/30/2013

Re: Intro & when did you tell the ex?

  • Honestly I don't think you have to tell him. We told BM when we were pregnant the first time. We have SS EOW and told her after 12 weeks. She wasn't thrilled, but it isn't her life so I didn't care. This time we haven't told her. She will either notice and figure it out, or SS might say something. DH might say something close to 20 weeks if SS wants to come to the big ultrasound.
    Proud Step Mom to Zachary 10-26-98
    Loving Wife to Billy 04-28-07
    Proud mom to Jeremy 08-15-08

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  • Who says you have to tell him?
  • image MrsHetzel:
    Who says you have to tell him?

     

    That's a valid point.  I don't have to.  My DD almost did tonight on the phone, but I stopped her.  

    AnnRenee 1/21/03
    Luke 12/30/2013
  • SigirSigir
    250 Answers 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary
    member
    I never told exh. Dc did, and that's ok. I think it's wrong to hold your dc back from telling their dad something that they are excited about just bc you don't want your ex to know, but I also don't feel you have to go out of your way to tell him yourself.   You don't want your dc to think it is something she has to hide. 
  • I don't think you should have stopped your DD from telling him. You are putting your DD in a bad position by having her withhold things from her BD. And this baby isn't just part of your life, it's your DD's sibling and she should be allowed to share that info. A child should never have to keep secrets for an adult.
    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

  • image Sigir:
    I never told exh. Dc did, and that's ok. I think it's wrong to hold your dc back from telling their dad something that they are excited about just bc you don't want your ex to know, but I also don't feel you have to go out of your way to tell him yourself.  You don't want your dc to think it is something she has to hide. 

    Immediately after the call I talked to her.  I told her it wasn't a secret, I was just telling people at different times. I did feel bad as soon as I shook my head.

     I have this fear that her dad would try and manipulate her feelings (one day is the best thing, the next her life is OVER). There's some more background that I don't want to drone on about, but right now he hasn't pushed for visitation (again, he's thousands of miles away), and I'm afraid if he caught her on a bad day she'd push to go stay with him. Which would be a whole other can of worms. 

    AnnRenee 1/21/03
    Luke 12/30/2013
  • I do agree with PPs that you shouldn't stop DD from telling him bc you don't want her to think its something to hide and it makes you look "shady" trying to hide it. Just let it come out naturally, whether from DD or someone else. Doesn't mean it has to come directly from you.
  • Congratulations on your LO! We are expecting a LO in December. We did not tell BM, we did tell SD and SS then just let them tell when they wanted too. BM has acted just like we expected her too she is BSC. But all we can do is manage the fall out. I agree with the pp though let her tell whenever she is ready and even having her not tell little things will grow into a big problem later.
  • image MrsHetzel:
    I do agree with PPs that you shouldn't stop DD from telling him bc you don't want her to think its something to hide and it makes you look "shady" trying to hide it. Just let it come out naturally, whether from DD or someone else. Doesn't mean it has to come directly from you.


    I agree with other PP's as well.

    At her age, I would think that depending on the individual child, it would be ok for you to give her a reason for why you didn't want her to say anything, why you are only telling certain people at certain times.

    I don't know your daughter, but I know at 10, I knew that sometimes pregnancies don't go as planned and you might tell her you don't want everyone to know until all your ducks are in a row. Different wording, but something that would give her a reason now that you have held her back anyway.

    I think it was wrong to hold her back in the first place not onky because it is keeping a secret but also because you are curbing her enthusiasm for her new sibling. I would think the next time she talks to him, let her tell him.if she wants. You don't have to. It sounds like you are more than the majority parent here, so I would feel no obligation to tell him. But I would let it come naturally as it would.
  • I'm going to disagree with everyone else. I don't think your daughter should be the one to tell him. What if he has a negative reaction to the news and your daughter has to deal with it? I think that is unfair to her. You should tell him, and soon before she let's it slip..
  • SigirSigir
    250 Answers 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary
    member
    image KrystalCrockett:

    image Sigir:
    I never told exh. Dc did, and that's ok. I think it's wrong to hold your dc back from telling their dad something that they are excited about just bc you don't want your ex to know, but I also don't feel you have to go out of your way to tell him yourself.  You don't want your dc to think it is something she has to hide. 

    Immediately after the call I talked to her.  I told her it wasn't a secret, I was just telling people at different times. I did feel bad as soon as I shook my head.

     I have this fear that her dad would try and manipulate her feelings (one day is the best thing, the next her life is OVER). There's some more background that I don't want to drone on about, but right now he hasn't pushed for visitation (again, he's thousands of miles away), and I'm afraid if he caught her on a bad day she'd push to go stay with him. Which would be a whole other can of worms. 



    IMO once you tell your kid, the secret's out, you have to be ok w the idea that everyone is going to know. So for example if you are only telling the grandparents until first tri is over, you can't tell the kid either. I totally get telling different people at different times, but the kid should be in the final category.

    I also agree w pper that 'shooshing' your dd put her in the middle and that's something we should never do... I understand having a manipulative exh, but it is what it is, you can't control his behavior. If I were you at this point i'd tell him, and then tell your dc that you told him so she can go ahead and feel comfortable talking w him about it. I think you backed yourself into a bit of a corner by 'shooshing' and need to just make it right for your dc ASAP.

  • image SimpleJane:I'm going to disagree with everyone else. I don't think your daughter should be the one to tell him. What if he has a negative reaction to the news and your daughter has to deal with it? I think that is unfair to her. You should tell him, and soon before she let's it slip.. 

    ^^This. 

    If you're worried about BD's reaction, then you should tell him yourself before DD has the chance to.  Example:  BM is completely BSC and we knew she would need a few days (years) to process the news of my pregnancy.  DH emailed BM about 5 minutes after I picked K up from school and told her that we were expecting a baby and that we were telling K that weekend.  K was able to have 3 days of being really excited before going back to BM and having BM turn it into something ugly. 

    Once a child is told there's a baby coming, they are going to tell.  We let the kids tell whoever they wanted about the baby, whenever they wanted.  But we made sure the necessary players were informed first (BD and BM) so that the kids weren't the messengers. I agree with Gin though, DD needs to feel like she's allowed to share everything and anything with BD.  If she starts feeling like she's not allowed to share things with him, it won't be long before she feels like she can't share things with you either.  


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  • Thank you all very much for all your feedback.  This all new territory for both of us, and I am sure it won't be the last mistake I make - but we can always help ourselves and our kiddos learn from them.  
    AnnRenee 1/21/03
    Luke 12/30/2013
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