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If you know someone that has adopted

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If you know someone that has small children that were adopted, how much do you think of them being adopted? I'm not sure that the question even makes sense.

Today Hadley went with H to his family's 4th get together and I went close to bedtime to pick her up. H's cousin who I don't see often was bragging on how well behaved she was and how she'd grown so much since she last saw her. I said "I know, she'll be 2 in a week or so!" and she said back "I bet it don't seem like it's been that long since you got her". I know she didn't mean anything negative about it at all, she's a super nice lady, but it just makes me feel like being adopted is how she thinks of Hadley. I was in the nursery with her when she was still covered in blood and goo from delivery... I honestly forget that she isn't biologically mine. It's not just her comment, I've had several like that since she turned 1. When she was an infant I never thought twice about it, but now that she's almost 2 it just strikes me as odd that it's something that's brought up at all by people that aren't close to us.

Just the other day an old coworker stopped by to visit and asked "Have you seen her mom lately?" out of the blue... I said "you mean her birth mom? No she doesn't want any contact with us and we are respecting that". I truly do know that it's just lack of knowledge of the correct terms, I just can't understand why someone who doesn't see us often at all would even feel the need to bring up birth mom, no matter the correct term or not.

I've also had 2 other people I can think of in the last few months to ask if we've had contact with her first family, people that I very rarely see. 

I want Hadley to know that she was adopted, for it to be a part of her life story and never have to sit down to have "the talk", so it's not as if I'm trying to hide it, I just think it's kind of odd that it's even mentioned.

I'm not asking if you'd actually ask such questions to someone who has adopted their children, I just wonder when you see them, is that something that you always think about? I don't know many people who have adopted but the ones that I do know it's just not thought about. 

 


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Forever blessed through adoption! 7-17-11

Re: If you know someone that has adopted

  • I don't know anyone with young children that were adopted, but my H was adopted as a newborn. No one has ever even mentioned it to his mom. H's birthday was the 3rd, and his aunt said "I remember when you were just born!", even though he was adopted at 2 weeks old. No one thought anything of it.

    H's adoption is kind of a forbidden talk around his mom anyways, so that might be why...

    Eta: the only person that thinks about H's adoption is him.
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  • I know someone who was adopted but don't think of it often. She's an adult.

    My dad and his brother were adopted by my grandfather and is only recently become something we talk a little more openly about. Someone he just met tried to push my dad to talk about his biological father and he refused. He feels like it is disrespectful to his dad. He doesn't care to know or speak about the man who abandoned him.
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  • I have several friends/acquaintances with adopted children, and I always forget they're adopted. The other day I asked one of them some question about when she was pregnant with her daughter and she had to remind me that her daughter is adopted. I felt like a dolt.

  • My ILs have adopted six international orphans. The only time I ever think about it, is when people give me weird looks when I introduce them as my sisters-in-law, and they're Chinese, African, or Guatemalen and look nothing like H. 
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  • My cousin is adopted. We are the same age and growing up it was never an issue. He always knew he was adopted but no one in our family ever made odd comments about his adoption. Half the time I forget he is adopted and I'm pretty sure everyone else in our family is the same way. Even reading your post, I had to remind myself that I do in fact know someone adopted.

    One cool thing about my cousin's birth is my dad, his uncle, was the birth mom's doctor and actually delivered my cousin.

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  • Thanks! That's all nice to hear. I really don't mind it being known and thought about, like I said I really don't want it to be something that's not okay to mention... it's part of who she is. It just kinda makes me sad to think it's something someone that doesn't see us often thinks of first thing.

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    Forever blessed through adoption! 7-17-11
  • A fairly good friend - we've been doing playgroups together for years and our husbands work together - adopted a baby last July. Unless she brings it up specifically, it never even crosses my mind. He is their son just like their biological daughter is. 

    I will say, they only found out they were "getting him," the day he was born (they'd been waiting for 6 months or so w/ an agency) so we have pretty openly talked about what an emotional roller coaster it was and how her daughter is dealing w/ it, etc. 

    I would never say anything like that to an acquaintance, though.

     

     


    E 9.08, V 8.11, #3 coming April 2014
  • SpookoSpooko
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    DS is adopted, and there's a lot of adoption in my family. I don't feel like the first comment was strange or like she slapped an ADOPTED label on H at all. DD is bio and just turned 2 and people say about it being like I just had her all the time. You didn't have her in that same way, so she just tweaked the sentence to fit your situation. NBD. 

    The second one is a little more adoption-specific, but it seems more like trying to make conversation than any kind of judginess.

    I know exactly what you mean about it kind of slipping from your mind that you didn't give birth, so maybe the comments are just more jarring to you than they are to natural conversation.  


  • Slightly off topic- but Hav have you ever heard of "Gotcha Day?" 

    Apparently it's the day the family celebrates the day they adopted their child. It's a huge deal in international adoption circles, and often times the families that adopted on the same day celebrate together. My MIL even gets her DD together with another girl adopted from the same orphanage and they celebrate together with that family. 

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  • The only people I know who have adopted small children were not infants when they were adopted, and I definitely think about them being adopted when they're around, but only because they all came out of the foster system and had such bad lives. I think about how much better off they are.

    If they had been adopted from the get go, I can't imagine asking those questions.

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  • image Spooko:

    DS is adopted, and there's a lot of adoption in my family. I don't feel like the first comment was strange or like she slapped an ADOPTED label on H at all. DD is bio and just turned 2 and people say about it being like I just had her all the time. You didn't have her in that same way, so she just tweaked the sentence to fit your situation. NBD. 

    The second one is a little more adoption-specific, but it seems more like trying to make conversation than any kind of judginess.

    I know exactly what you mean about it kind of slipping from your mind that you didn't give birth, so maybe the comments are just more jarring to you than they are to natural conversation.  

    That is what I didn't want it to come across, like I was upset that people were making the comments, I really am not bothered by them as much as just surprised that people I don't see often at all even remember to "tweak" it to fit our situation. That's all, I was just wondering if you know someone that is adopted how often you think about it.

    I'm not going to lie I do get frustrated by people asking about her mom (or other relative), I'm her mom. Pure and simple, just wish people would learn the correct terminology. 


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  • image scatteredtrees:

    Slightly off topic- but Hav have you ever heard of "Gotcha Day?" 

    Apparently it's the day the family celebrates the day they adopted their child. It's a huge deal in international adoption circles, and often times the families that adopted on the same day celebrate together. My MIL even gets her DD together with another girl adopted from the same orphanage and they celebrate together with that family. 

    We don't really celebrate it. Since we were there when she was born, honestly it was as if I gave birth. I promise when we got home from the hospital (H was away at the police academy) my mom hurried inside with her and left me to carry our bags inside the house and I thought "I shouldn't be lifting this heavy bag!" and then busted out laughing outside by myself... I'd been in the hospital with her for 3 days, it was just so much like she was just mine that I forgot. :o)

    Then the day that the adoption was finalized should have been when she was around 6 months old but instead she was 16 months old, and by that time it was nothing more than a formality that it's not really something that I remember the date of to be honest. 


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  • image Hav=Fath:
    image Spooko:

    DS is adopted, and there's a lot of adoption in my family. I don't feel like the first comment was strange or like she slapped an ADOPTED label on H at all. DD is bio and just turned 2 and people say about it being like I just had her all the time. You didn't have her in that same way, so she just tweaked the sentence to fit your situation. NBD. 

    The second one is a little more adoption-specific, but it seems more like trying to make conversation than any kind of judginess.

    I know exactly what you mean about it kind of slipping from your mind that you didn't give birth, so maybe the comments are just more jarring to you than they are to natural conversation.  

    That is what I didn't want it to come across, like I was upset that people were making the comments, I really am not bothered by them as much as just surprised that people I don't see often at all even remember to "tweak" it to fit our situation. That's all, I was just wondering if you know someone that is adopted how often you think about it.

    I'm not going to lie I do get frustrated by people asking about her mom (or other relative), I'm her mom. Pure and simple, just wish people would learn the correct terminology. 

    It's definitely inappropriate for them to say that kind of stuff, I think. It's not like your great friends chatting about kids/struggles/etc. I can't imagine ever asking straight up about the mom - but I think a lot of that is the situation you are in. Small town, everyone knows the story and some might even know the mom (?). With everyone I've known that has adopted or is adopted they are either a) from a different country or b) we live in a populated enough area that no one would know the mom anyway. It's all done through agencies. 


    E 9.08, V 8.11, #3 coming April 2014
  • SpookoSpooko
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    image Hav=Fath:
    image Spooko:

    DS is adopted, and there's a lot of adoption in my family. I don't feel like the first comment was strange or like she slapped an ADOPTED label on H at all. DD is bio and just turned 2 and people say about it being like I just had her all the time. You didn't have her in that same way, so she just tweaked the sentence to fit your situation. NBD. 

    The second one is a little more adoption-specific, but it seems more like trying to make conversation than any kind of judginess.

    I know exactly what you mean about it kind of slipping from your mind that you didn't give birth, so maybe the comments are just more jarring to you than they are to natural conversation.  

    That is what I didn't want it to come across, like I was upset that people were making the comments, I really am not bothered by them as much as just surprised that people I don't see often at all even remember to "tweak" it to fit our situation. That's all, I was just wondering if you know someone that is adopted how often you think about it.

    I'm not going to lie I do get frustrated by people asking about her mom (or other relative), I'm her mom. Pure and simple, just wish people would learn the correct terminology. 

    I am right there with you on the terminology. Positive adoption language is a huge deal to me and I don't hesitate to correct people.

    I do think about adoption when I know, but only because it's such a main part of my life and it's so important to me. It's a special, good thing. 

    ETA, It's like additional connection. 


  • I do have a friend who adopted a child, She knows she was adopted because her adoption did not go through until she was three, so they were very upfront with her about it. They have an adoption day that they celebrate as if it was a birthday.  She knows that her birth mommy loves her but could not take care of her the way she needed ( she is in jail) and that because she loved her she had to give her to her forever mom and dad. 

    My best friend growing up was adopted also and her family did the same type of thing.  

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  • I have a friend who has 3 adopted daughters. I think about it sometimes because the story is so sweet and touching. I really look up to her. I never asked her about it but we were talking and she just told me their stories and it touched me.

    I think adoption is just so beautiful and they are an amazing family. She is open with them about it and they are from two different cultures and their mom does an amazing job honoring the culture they come from and melding it into their life. She is just an amazing mom. It comes up sometimes because she is pen and it is a part of their story and who they are. 

    I don't think about it like the way the people n your life do though. I think more just about how sweet their story is. I do the same with birth stories and an adoption is basically a birth story in my eyes. It's just a part of who the family is just like every other thing any family does. 

    I would for sure never ask any of the questions the people in your life do nor do I wonder about them. I think they don't understand that YOU are Hadleys mom and adopting her was like a birth in your eyes. I think when you are open about it like you are being it is a beautiful thing, but some people will never get it. That's to bad for them. 
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  • Nel11Nel11
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    My neighbors adopted their son at birth; he is 2 now.  Honestly, I do think about him being adopted when I'm around them because a) he is of a different race, so that alone makes you pause and think about it for a second, and b) I want to be cognizant of the situation because I don't want to inadvertently say something (like your Aunt most likely) that would make them uncomfortable/upset/think that I don't believe their sons is really theirs.

    Hopefully that made sense.  


  • I have a friend whose son was adopted at birth and now he is 3.  Honestly, it is one of the first things I think of when I think of him - not in a negative way at all, though.  I think people find adoption interesting, so it is something they would remember about you.  

    I also have an adopted brother, but he was 10 when we adopted him so yes I think of him that way also. 

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  • My mom is adopted.  I never really think about that except when I start thinking about family genetics and then realize that I can't compare any of her family to me in a medical/physical looks sense because they aren't actually blood related. :)

    I only know a few families with adopted children and they were through the school I taught at.  I only think, "Oh yeah, they are adopted!" when I see the kids who look nothing like their adopted family.  I can't imagine a reason to bring it up at all though!!

     

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  • Probably, since these are folks that you admittedly don't see often, they are looking to connect with you based on the experience they have. I have some friends who are waiting for the call to adopt  a LO and they are super open about the whole process- looking for prayers/positive thoughts, etc. If this was your situation it makes sense that they would remember when they are with you that your daughter is adopted.

    I would be worried if they treated her any differently than the rest of the cousins or coworkers kids. Otherwise, it is just silly people putting a foot in their mouth.  

  • I know several families who have adopted children. DD's best little friend was adopted from China. I never even think about it. I can't imagine their family without her, it's like she's always been there. We have other friends who have 6 children. Two are biological, four were adopted through the foster system. Other than occasional conversations with their mom about issues with bio parents I totally forget they're adopted. It just isn't something I think about. I guess maybe if adoption isn't super common people are just curious and don't know how to ask. Maybe if they ask about Hadley's mom next time just answer with an "I'm great thanks for asking" haha


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  • I know quite a few adopted kids and I honestly very very rarely think about it. Only when it comes up, like in conversations about baby pictures (for older international adoptions that don't have any) and such, or talking to parents of older adopted kids about how conversations about their birth parents/country are going. I would never bring it up out of the blue like that.

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  • beyla1beyla1
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    You know, I usually find myself dwelling on thinking about someone's adoption when I don't know the details around it, especially if they keep it secretive. My curiosity makes me think of it more often, whereas with friends who I knew the whole story, I rarely think of the adoption again.

     With that being said, I absolutely NEVER would inquire about details regarding anything to do with an adoption, because it's none of my business and can be a sensitive topic.

     

     

  • I was adopted at 3 days old (it was a closed adoption though, so it's a little different than Hadley's). I also know a family that adopted two children from birth and they know both bio families (the two children are not blood related). This family were our family's friends for a long time, and we have grown apart since before they adopted. I personally think they made both adoptions a bit dramatic (almost in the sense of "look at us, we're so great and nice to have adopted" not "we love this child, and want to make him/her our own"), so I do think of them as being adopted.

    I don't know your story, but did a lot of people know you were adopting? Did you have a long journey to become a mom? Did you share your journey with people, or did you keep it more private? Do you see what I'm sort of getting at?

    When I was a kid, every time I met someone, I would tell them I was adopted because I thought it was something really interesting about myself. My aunts and uncles have never really brought up my adoption, and neither have my friends. I don't actually know if any great aunts and great uncles know I was adopted, but they never bring it up. 

    But to answer your question: I think it depends. I think of Hadley as adopted, but I don't know you IRL, and I remember the "little" things really well, especially if they have something in common with me. 

    I think as she grows up, and your families start to get to know her, and love her more, it will be less and less uncomfortable.

     

    Sorry to ramble =( 

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  • caybehcaybeh
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    I have two cousins that were adopted. One was a boy, and I was pretty young when my aunt and uncle adopted him. The other was a girl, and I was 12 or so when a different aunt and uncle adopted her. She was adopted as a baby, and my aunt and uncle took her home from the hospital. I rarely think about the fact that they are adopted. In fact, a year or two ago, my aunt was talking about how her son was going on a trip with his biological family and getting to meet a lot of them for the first time. I kept thinking it was so weird, because we were his family. They did keep in touch with his biological grandma and they did things together. He was also a fetal alcohol syndrome baby, so he has some issues from that. So I guess, in that way, yeah we are reminded that he was adopted, but its not something we talk about often.

    My girl cousin that was adopted, we rarely ever talk about the fact that she was adopted. I think she knows, but I would never talk about it with her or her family.

    Also, my MIL was a foster child. When my H and I started dating, my H told me that she was a foster child, and she had a rough childhood, but she never talks about it. Since we've gotten married, MIL has told me more about her past, without me ever mentioning it. Since she was a foster child, H's family is crazy complicated as he has his biological aunts/uncles/cousins and then his uncle/aunt/cousins from the foster family. MIL calls the couple that took care of her Mom and Dad, and we call them Grandpa and Grandma. H never knew his maternal biological grandparents.

    I think adoption is a wonderful thing and my H and I have always talked about adopting someday too.  I do think its just one of those things that people remember, so they probably say things meaning well, but it comes across differently than they meant it.

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  • image ChristyML:

    I was adopted at 3 days old (it was a closed adoption though, so it's a little different than Hadley's). I also know a family that adopted two children from birth and they know both bio families (the two children are not blood related). This family were our family's friends for a long time, and we have grown apart since before they adopted. I personally think they made both adoptions a bit dramatic (almost in the sense of "look at us, we're so great and nice to have adopted" not "we love this child, and want to make him/her our own"), so I do think of them as being adopted.

    I don't know your story, but did a lot of people know you were adopting? Did you have a long journey to become a mom? Did you share your journey with people, or did you keep it more private? Do you see what I'm sort of getting at?

    When I was a kid, every time I met someone, I would tell them I was adopted because I thought it was something really interesting about myself. My aunts and uncles have never really brought up my adoption, and neither have my friends. I don't actually know if any great aunts and great uncles know I was adopted, but they never bring it up. 

    But to answer your question: I think it depends. I think of Hadley as adopted, but I don't know you IRL, and I remember the "little" things really well, especially if they have something in common with me. 

    I think as she grows up, and your families start to get to know her, and love her more, it will be less and less uncomfortable.

     

    Sorry to ramble =( 

    Maybe that has something to do with it? I live in a small town and while the b-mom lives nearby I've never ran into her (before or after Hadley), she used to live about 45 mins away. We were not looking into adoption at all but this opportunity was just sprung at us and from that day until she was born it was 50 days, so not a lot of time to prepare mentally or physically. We actually didn't tell anyone other than our immediate families, not even most aunts & uncles because I was 75% sure the b-mom would change her mind. The contact we had with her was strictly through texts and it was random at best... I was so unsure if she'd be ours or not. I didn't tell anyone I worked with besides my boss so she knew there would be a possibility I'd be out for FMLA. Heck, we didn't even know a due date... :o). So this baby was born and we sent out word to everyone (we don't have FB) that we were parents... it was very shocking to most people, but everyone that has since made the comments I was talking about know the full story... but her adoption story is very unique. I had to explain to people for weeks and weeks about who's baby I had with me when I'd run into them with a newborn and I hadn't been pregnant. I assure you I never portrayed the "oh look at what a great thing we did", I was so far beyond blessed to have her that it just never felt that way, not for a second.


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    Forever blessed through adoption! 7-17-11
  • Very interesting question. I have two close friends who were adopted. My best friend was adopted through foster care when she was in kindergarten. Her life story has some stuff (bad stuff) that is tied to what happened to her before she was adopted, so it's more important to her life story. I think of her adoption more often because of it. Well, I don't think of the adoption process specifically but I do remain aware that she has had more than one family and more than one "life." My other dear friend was adopted at birth and it doesn't come up much. I don't think of it as often but we do giggle when people tell her she looks like her dad. She has all his mannerisms and they are really similar but it makes her laugh. 

    I wonder if people are thinking more of you and that you're a mom through adoption and trying to say the "right" things. I don't know. Maybe it's just a weird coincidence but I'd probably feel weird about it too.  

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