Parenting

Baby father drama

The boat has longed sailed for a relationship with my ex and myself. But he now has a new girlfriend. He has always said since our son, he does not want to get married or have any other children. Our son is three and every night, in the middle of the night, he climbs into bed with us we are working on this behavior. I recently found out from our son he was even dating this woman and that she is spending the night regularly. My ex and I have always had an open honest relationship, but he pet this from me. My issues are 1. She's in bed when our son crawls in bed with daddy and 2. My ex wasn't honest with me.
What do I do? He has said he wouldn't like it if the tables were turned. How can we do what's best for our son?
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Re: Baby father drama

  • It's going to eventually happen. I don't see the big deal. Now, wen you date and he crawls into bed with you and your BF/FI/DH and he has a problem with it. Then I would be pissed.
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  • He told me he'd have an issue with it.
  • image mccullka:
    He told me he'd have an issue with it.

    Are you still married/dating him? No. Then he has no say in what happens between you and your next SO. If he makes a stink then tell him he can suck it. I do this to my ex on a regular basis. 

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  • I can understand that it is hard, but if you've decided to move on this is part of the process. Maybe you can schedule a time to meet his GF so you can be more comfortable with her being around your son. 

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  • I trust he would not have any "bad" people around our son. My biggest issue is that my son is only there a couple nights a week and he crawls into bed with them
  • image mccullka:
    I trust he would not have any "bad" people around our son. My biggest issue is that my son is only there a couple nights a week and he crawls into bed with them

    So if she isn't bad, what is your concern? Not trying to be snarky, just trying to understand.  

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  • Is there nothing in your custody agreement?  It is reasonable to want a relationship to be fairly serious before your child starts spending time with them- and it's often written into such agreements. I completely understand being upset about this- but, it's something that could have been handled during the breakup. He is allowed to move on, you are allowed to move on, but, you should both be respectful of your child and part of that is not allowing him to be involved in relationships that may prove to be frivolous.

    If you don't have anything enforceable, it's in everyone's best interest for you to be as kind and open minded as possible, and get to know a little more about his new GF. 

    ETA: Both of your concerns are selfish and petty. You should be concerned about your son's attachment to a possibly fleeting relationship. You aren't concerned that she's a bad person. You are upset about secrets being kept (and to be fair- you sound pretty dramatic, so maybe he thought that was in everyone's best interests) and for whatever reason, the bed thing? If she's not a bad person, I doubt she's doing anything in bed (while he's there) that should be more concerning than when he's in bed with his mom or dad alone.

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  • That she's in bed when my son comes in in the middle of the night. I don't like that he's in bed with someone I don't know and he's only met a couple times. Why can't she just not spend the night the couple nights he's there
  • I brought that up to him and he said Our son will just have to deal with it when the time comes. I don't want our son to get hurt if he does get attached and then she's not there. Plus we don't have these conversations around him.
  • image mccullka:
    That she's in bed when my son comes in in the middle of the night. I don't like that he's in bed with someone I don't know and he's only met a couple times. Why can't she just not spend the night the couple nights he's there

    Do they possibly live together? How many times have you met her if you just found out about her? I don't think any of us will be able to tell you anything that will make you feel better about this. This is bound to happen eventually if it is this girl or one further down the road. Have a conversation with your ex and the GF at the same time, address your concerns and boundaries. Also, come up with something better than "I know you're not a bad person". Are you worried about him being attached to her? 

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  • What is your custody agreement? If he isn't seeing eye to eye on introductions of relationships, and you don't have anything on paper, I'm not sure what to tell you other than "sorry- that sucks". :(
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  • No they don't live together. They both have their own homes. But she spends the night regularly from what I'm told by my ex. I've suspected it for a couple months. But I asked about it when my son asked me about her. He thinks mtg is crazy.
  • Honestly, this isn't a big deal, and not your business. If you didn't have such a "fair" and normal co parenting situation then it would be different. For me I told my ex that if his skank came anywhere near our daughter then he wouldn't get to see her, but I have full custody and he doesn't get visitation. This isn't that type of situation and you just have to move on. It's not like they have sex on him or something.
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  • I wouldn't be comfortable with my son being in bed with some random woman I didn't know either. I also wouldn't want SO to introduce DS to someone he wasn't serious with, as I wouldn't either. It's not healthy to keep introducing girlfriend after girlfriend to your child.

    I agree there needs to be a more detailed custody agreement here. If you're not comfortable with your son being around his girlfriends, that needs to be addressed...how long would it take for you to be comfortable? Or is this a personal thing for you that you'll never be confortable with? [because in that instance, it seems like you're not over your BD].
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  • image bigbootyjudi:
    I wouldn't be comfortable with my son being in bed with some random woman I didn't know either. I also wouldn't want SO to introduce DS to someone he wasn't serious with, as I wouldn't either. It's not healthy to keep introducing girlfriend after girlfriend to your child.

    I agree there needs to be a more detailed custody agreement here. If you're not comfortable with your son being around his girlfriends, that needs to be addressed...how long would it take for you to be comfortable? Or is this a personal thing for you that you'll never be confortable with? [because in that instance, it seems like you're not over your BD].

    I couldn't have said it better.


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  • image bigbootyjudi:
    I wouldn't be comfortable with my son being in bed with some random woman I didn't know either. I also wouldn't want SO to introduce DS to someone he wasn't serious with, as I wouldn't either. It's not healthy to keep introducing girlfriend after girlfriend to your child.

    I agree there needs to be a more detailed custody agreement here. If you're not comfortable with your son being around his girlfriends, that needs to be addressed...how long would it take for you to be comfortable? Or is this a personal thing for you that you'll never be confortable with? [because in that instance, it seems like you're not over your BD].

    This.

    I had a similar issue with DS's BF having GFs in bed. He was told in court it wasn't appropriate and he needed to stop. It was put in the CO.
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  • image mccullka:
    The boat has longed sailed for a relationship with my ex and myself. But he now has a new girlfriend. He has always said since our son, he does not want to get married or have any other children. Our son is three and every night, in the middle of the night, he climbs into bed with us we are working on this behavior. I recently found out from our son he was even dating this woman and that she is spending the night regularly. My ex and I have always had an open honest relationship, but he pet this from me. My issues are 1. She's in bed when our son crawls in bed with daddy and 2. My ex wasn't honest with me. What do I do? He has said he wouldn't like it if the tables were turned. How can we do what's best for our son?

    Why are you discussing your ex's living arrangements and dating life with a 3-year-old??  Just because he told you thing then, doesn't mean he didn't have a right to change his mind later if he met someone.  

    Stop talking to your son about what happens at his dad's with the new woman. VERY frowned upon by courts and any reasonable adult. 

    What would you have to say if he says that she's moving in with him and that's that?  Then she has a right to be in her own home and your son needs to stay in his own room.  So, in the meantime, I think it's better that he still has his father's comfort available.  If you don't think he'd have someone bad around him, then what's the big deal?  She might turn out to be his step-mom one day. You kind of have to accept that.  

    Sounds like this is the first woman he's had around since you, and maybe that's the real issue here. 


  • I've asked to meet her so I can make my own opinions. My only issue is the bed thing. My son seems to like her bc she plays games with him and has a pool. Which is good he like her, but I'm concerned this is a new relationship and do not want my sons feeling hurt if things don't work out.
  • image mccullka:
    I've asked to meet her so I can make my own opinions. My only issue is the bed thing. My son seems to like her bc she plays games with him and has a pool. Which is good he like her, but I'm concerned this is a new relationship and do not want my sons feeling hurt if things don't work out.

    You stated earlier that this has been going on for months, which means it isn't "new".

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  • image mccullka:
    I've asked to meet her so I can make my own opinions. My only issue is the bed thing. My son seems to like her bc she plays games with him and has a pool. Which is good he like her, but I'm concerned this is a new relationship and do not want my sons feeling hurt if things don't work out.

    He's 3.  She's just a casual person in his life.  Not a parent.  He won't even miss her. 


  • DS only brought it up with me bc he wanted to go swimming at her house. I told him I didn't know her. He then said ms. sleeps in daddy's bed. That caught my attention and discussed with my ex, not with a three year old
  • image Nana_Osaki06:

    image mccullka:
    I've asked to meet her so I can make my own opinions. My only issue is the bed thing. My son seems to like her bc she plays games with him and has a pool. Which is good he like her, but I'm concerned this is a new relationship and do not want my sons feeling hurt if things don't work out.

    You stated earlier that this has been going on for months, which means it isn't "new".




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  • image Brandi Bee:
    I'd be livid if H was letting Isla sleep with him and his new woman, honestly, especially if I barely knew her or hadn't met her. nbsp;That sounds creepy to me for some reason.


    I agree! And its not even a jealousy thing.. its flat out creepy to me. Sleeping in the same bed is not something a child should be doing with someone they've only known a couple months. Even if daddy is there too... just weird in my opinion.
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  • I don't like him being in bed with them either. Seems weird. Honestly I think you should work on him sleeping alone. He is old enough and then mom and dads beds are free to have guests.




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  • I'd be pretty annoyed and upset, too, if DD were sleeping in bed with her father and another woman, especially one I barely know.

    OP, have you tried posting on the "blended families" board or single parents board? They might have some other ideas for you.

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  • Deja vu. Didn't someone post a similar situation couple months ago?

    I'd be upset and uncomfortable that my kid was sleeping in the same bed with an adult he barely knows.

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  • suv75suv75
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    I'm surprised with the amount of people that are ok with this. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my son being in bed with her. If they got married and she became his step mom, that's one thing. But it isn't healthy and kinda creepy that she and your ex are comfortable with it. If I were her, I wouldn't spend the night on the few days he has DS.
  • image Scout2005:
    It's not about him missing her, IMO, it's about the insecurity that will develop from forming attachments only to have then yanked away. There's no way that doesn't have lasting impact of its done on the regular. I wouldn't like it, OP, though I'm not sure there's much you can do about it.

    Kids at the age of 3 can handle things like that, assuming it's not "on the regular".  

    Imagine a day care and suddenly a teacher is no longer there. She was there periodically for 2 months and then she's gone. The kid will be fine. Or some kid they see at the park several times for 2 months is no longer going to the park. No big deal. They probably won't even notice.  

    This sounds like it's his first girlfriend since they split, so there is no reason to believe he's parading a string of women in front of him.  

     

    I'm not saying it's great, but if the kid is scared or something, it's not a big deal. I'm sure they move him back once he's asleep or calm.  If the kid has a toddler bed, it's not like dad can just go lay with him in his room. 


  • image suv75:
    I'm surprised with the amount of people that are ok with this. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my son being in bed with her. If they got married and she became his step mom, that's one thing. But it isn't healthy and kinda creepy that she and your ex are comfortable with it. If I were her, I wouldn't spend the night on the few days he has DS.

    Me too. In fact, I can say with experience children are affected at that young of an age. DHs XW is a serial dater. SD was exposed to every single one of them before XW had a chance to figure out if it was a viable relationship first. A couple of months dating is too soon for a kid to meet a SO IMO.


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  • image suv75:
    I'm surprised with the amount of people that are ok with this. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my son being in bed with her. If they got married and she became his step mom, that's one thing. But it isn't healthy and kinda creepy that she and your ex are comfortable with it. If I were her, I wouldn't spend the night on the few days he has DS.

    I wouldn't be ok with it necessarily, however it is to be expected that your ex is going to move on and these things will happen eventually. OP sounds like they've been over for a long time and the kid is only 3. As cool and "open" as it sounds, and as she said she trusts him not to bring bad people around. I'm giving the dad the benefit of the doubt and thinking he is somewhat serious about this girl.  She really needs to have a talk with both the dad and the girl OR revisit her custody agreement. I'm guessing since she hasn't answered any questions about that agreement that there isn't one in place. As sucky as it is, it just doesn't sound like there is much that she can do.  

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