Adoption

Lurker Question: Those who struggled with IF come in!

HI ladies! I'm at the crossroads of IF or adoption. I'm really struggling with my decision. I'd like to hear your perspective and experience. 

 Here's my background. We are 100% OOP and have paid for all testing, meds, and 3 iui's. I'm in the unexplained IF category, which is really frustrating. We do have the funds for one IVF cycle and if needed a frozen cycle too. I've been told by the RE that he's "optimistic." I'm 28 and DH is 29, both healthy.

 If we do adoption, I'd like to go International and I'd even be open to a sibling group if one of the children would be under 3. 

 Here are the situations DH and I have discussed and my reservations with each. 

 1. IVF now. If it doesn't work then wait about 6 months to save and begin adoption path.  (It's such a gamble and I'm impatient and don't want to wait to start such a long process!) If it does work, adopt for child #2. 

2. Adopt now and try IVF in 2-3 years. Pro- If it doesn't work, go home and love on your kid(s) Con- I'd be older and chances would be less than if I did IVF now. 

3. Just plain adopt and abandon all treatments. (I worry I would feel like I didn't do everything I could to achieve my dream. I've always wanted to experience pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc.)  

Please share your experience/path. Did you try IVF and regret it? Did you not try it and wish you had?  

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TTC since Jan 2012

Me (28) DH (28)

Dec 2012 Testing Complete: Me: Blood tests look great HSG "beautiful" DH: SA = normal Unexplained?

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Re: Lurker Question: Those who struggled with IF come in!

  • Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. If you do IVF and it works, you'll likely have no regrets. If you do IVF and it doesn't work, you may wish you hadn't gone through the time, expense and stress of it all. Unfortunately, you can't know the outcome.

    My decision was easier because after two timed intercourse cycles that were covered by insurance, it was pretty clear that my body was not going to cooperate and produce the eggs needed to give us a good shot with IVF. So, my choice was going to a donor route or adoption. Then, I got into the adoption research and had all sorts of second thoughts and briefly considered all sorts of other options before settling on foster care. But that's another story. I also already have a wonderful biological daughter, so that changes things, too.

    I only say all of that to let you know that you are certainly not the only one to struggle with this decision and everyone's circumstances are a bit different. One of the deciding factors for us was that if we went with adoption, we were pretty confident that eventually we would have a child placed with us. We couldn't say the same with continuing treatment. But then again, our odds were quite different.

    From my own experience with secondary IF, I'd suggest pursuing treatment now, if it's something you feel like you will want to do. You are much younger than I am, but fertility issues don't generally get better with age. I'd also suggest really researching the adoption avenues you'd like to pursue so you know what you're jumping into if you decide to move in that direction.

    Good luck and I'm sorry you are in this position.
    ***************************** Our beautiful daughter was born in October 2009. Turns out she was quite the miracle. After two years of TTC, diagnosed with DOR. A couple of failed treatment cycles later, we decided to let go of our hope for more biological children and explore adoption.
  • Hey,

    Welcome! We were 100% OOP too so I completely understand. We went through 2 IVFs and have had a total of 5 losses all while being technically unexplained (I have my theories though). It's hard, and it sucks.

    I was actually discussing this with a friend last night who is also struggling, so I wanted to offer you the same advice.

    I knew I was ready to move to adoption when:

    1. We realized we were ready to parent a child instead of have a baby.
    2. We needed a happy ending. Gambling with my body is hard, and the uncertainty was too difficult.
    3. The more I learned about it, the more inner-peace I found.
    4. As soon as we started the adoption process, I could feel a lot of my IF anger melting away.

    I think it's great that you recognize that one option doesn't negate the other. We'll seek more IF treatment once our family is settled.

    There are a lot of different ways to adopt, and a lot of different options out there. I wish you all the luck in your decision.


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  • It's an interesting question. I've actually struggled more with my infertility since I've been matched with an emom than I did when I was just waiting or actually facing the reality of my infertility.

     My partner and I decided to pursue adoption because even though we were fortunate to have fantastic insurance coverage for IF, the emotional toll and the physical toll it was taking on me was gruesome. I'm already fat, and I put on 50lbs from the hormones I needed and to produce anything I needed to do and IVF protocol of drugs even though we were only doing IUI's. That combined with a 2 hour commute to work and teaching morning classes really made continuing IF treatments seem absolutely un-doable to us. 

     I had always planned to adopt- we're queer- and if we conceived the baby was only ever going to be genetically related to one of us (me), so, it actually felt like a more participatory process to pursue domestic infant adoption because that was a process that we could both easily participate in.

    So, we're going with it. The emom is due in 23 days (not that I'm counting) and I guess we'll just see if the placement actually happens. 

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  • Not sure if my treatments are still in my siggy, but we tried for 3 years, and after only 5 months, I started treatment.  Countless cycles with four different doctors, repeated m/cs, but no IVF.  

    I feel that most doctors will say they're optimistic.  They benefit from that optimism, and who wants to tell a patient they're pessimistic?  They were always super optimistic about us, even thought we started trying at 35.  They never found a single reason we couldn't conceive...  anyway, I am SO happy we stopped playing that game.  

    We were lower income and couldn't easily afford IVF and adoption, and adoption is a sure thing.  We're doing DIA (domestic infant adoption) with an agency and the cost should be $10-16K.  

    We are still waiting, but feel strongly this is the right path for us.  Embryo adoption is something to consider (we did) if you want to experience pregnancy.  We just want to be parents and couldn't handle any more medical treatment, testing, or failure.  hth! 

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  • I simply could not take being a patient any more. We were out of pocket, and spent about $30k (and we never even did IVF or injectibles). But our main issue was early losses, so I was not about to go through IVF for what I considered another chance to have an early miscarriage (nothing about my losses indicated that IVF would do anything to reduce the chances of another one).

    I would perhaps caution you to really examine your feelings about the losses that come along with adoption (including but not limited to pregnancy and breastfeeding) and not go into the adoption process with the thought that you can still have all that stuff down the road. It might put some unfair grief into the game with the adopted child. I'm not expressing this well or saying that you are doing anything wrong, but I would suggest really spending time thinking about that piece and not adopting with the idea that you can still have the "real" mom experience later. There is a book called Adopting After Infertility by Patricia Irwin Johnson that has a section in the front about the losses of moving from IF to adoption. I found that a VERY enlightening read and it really helped me form my thoughts around the idea of moving to adoption and letting go of IF and the possibility of pregnancy. You may read that and find that you are totally resonating with the idea of moving on, OR that you are just not ready to let go (both of which of course are 100% fine)...I think it would be helpful no matter what. It also can help guide or spark a discussion with your partner to see if you are on the same page.

    Good luck...it's a complex decision, that's for sure! 

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  • We did 3 IUI's plus 5 months of clomid. Our chances we're actually really good for IVF, and we went to a seminar, but ultimately decided not to do it. After 3 years, I was just done with TTC. I have never cared about being pregnant, so adoption was a very easy decision.  However, this has it's own set of stresses and it's very emotional.  

    Domestic Adoption-Activated January 29th, 2013. Trying to be patient. The journey: http://perpetuallyupsidedown.tumblr.com/
  • I am also unexplained IF and 28.  We did IVF because, like you said, I wanted to know that I did all I could and not have any regrets...but it didn't work and it was very expensive and painful.  I am soooo grateful we chose adoption, granted we had an unusually wonderful adoption story.  But now, I'm pregnant too.  I find it annoying when people say "oh adopt and you'll get pregnant" because I do believe the statistics of that happening is lower than people think..but since you're young, healthy, and unexplained, it certainly is possible that you'll end up pregnant on your own some day.  Good luck!
    Married Since 09/2006, TTC Since 09/2010 
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  • ^I also assume we will have a bio kid or two someday, but I was sooo done waiting. Also, my husband just had a surgery to fix our issue, so there is a very good chance I will get pregnant. However, the surgery won't start making a difference for a year, so I'm so glad we are going through adoption. 

     

     

    Domestic Adoption-Activated January 29th, 2013. Trying to be patient. The journey: http://perpetuallyupsidedown.tumblr.com/
  • We did IUIs (including donor sperm, clomid, trigger shot etc) all out of pocket. The next step was injectibles or IVF which I did not personally feel comfortable with.

    For me, the decision was based on the fact that I wanted to be a parent more than be pregnant, I don't have unlimited financial resources and I wanted to put the rest of our savings toward a path that will eventually be more certain, and the fact that I hate anything medical and the treatments and appointments were really stressing me out (in all this I say I... DH obviously agreed and left final choice up to me since it was my body). 

    At this point, I don't regret my choice. I went to about 6-7 sessions of therapy to help me be more certain with my decision because I was having a lot of sadness and anxiety. It sucks waiting for a match but I know I will be a parent through adoption at some point. I didn't have that certainty with fertility treatments.

    Good luck with whatever you choose! 

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  • We also did IUI's.  We have been TTC for over 4 years and I was crushed each time IUI did not work.  I feel like I was optimistic but in the end with the time we have been trying it just was not working.  Both my husband and I want to adopt and parent a child that needs a home.  We are adopting through foster care.  Since making the decision I have had much more peace about our IF and am excited for our family to be complete.    Good Luck on your decision.
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    I am one of the older ones on this board.  We had two M/C's before trying IUI three times, started looking into adoption and still tried IVF but never produced enough eggs to go through with it so those turned into IUI's as well.  I still had unexplained infertility.  After that I was done being a pin cushion.  People ask me why not a donor egg.  At this point in my life I don't need to be pregnant, I just want to have a baby and be a mom.  It is still annoying when people ask me why not a donor egg.  At least for the surrogate question we can respond, do you have an extra $100K lying around for still not a "sure thing"?  We have had two failed adoptions in the past year and still waiting to become parents.  Another 1.5 years of this and we will give up since DH will be hitting 50!  Fingers crossed all goes well in the next 12 months.  

    If I were you, I would try IVF now while you are still in the "under 35 range" and if that doesn't work, adopt if you can afford both.  The only reason I tried the IVF is because I didn't want to hear from family that I didn't give it my best shot, yet they are the ones who didn't go through D&C's after the M/C's which frankly suck big time.  Best of luck either way you go, get ready for the rollercoaster, neither route is easy.

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  • It took 18 months, an unexplained IF dx and IUI To conceive my dd. H was very against IVF. He felt it was too invasive, I was willing to research it more. We were really lucky that IUI worked. I thought I was going to get the whole pregnancy, delivery, and BF experience that I wanted. Then, she was born unexpectedly at 27 weeks. I missed an entire trimester of pregnancy. I wasn't able to breast feed. Her birth was the worst day of my life. I do have a healthy and amazing dd and I will never stop being grateful for that. My point is, nothing is guaranteed. So, make any decision knowing that you might not get everything you want. Anytime a baby is involved, there are so many variables.

    We are starting the process for adoption because I don't know if I can get pregnant again and if I do, I have a 50 chance of delivering early again. H and I aren't willing to take that risk.

    If my H was on board and I was in your situation I would probably try IVF. I really wanted to see what a child from H and I would be like. I would love to have another bio child, but not enough to chance having a 24 weeker which the drs think could happen. I'm looking at adoption because I have love to give a child and my desire to have another child far outweighs any desire I have to have a child who is biologically mine.
  • We didn't try IVF, and I don't regret it one bit.

    I was unexplained, with recurrent pregnancy loss. I was also AMA, starting TTC at age 37 I had one loss on Clomid, and 2 with no medical intervention. We did "IF treatment lite", only Clomid, and I was done.

    I had a lot of reasons to not do IVF, but one big one was that I had 3 losses already, and doing IVF wasn't going to necessarily make that any better. I just wanted to be a mom, and I didn't have to have a baby come out of me to make that happen.

    At this point I have no desire to experience pregnancy, and was always ambivalent about breastfeeding.

    It sounds like you have options, and a lot of them.

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  • image jalara48:

    I knew I was ready to move to adoption when:

    1. We realized we were ready to parent a child instead of have a baby.
    2. We needed a happy ending. Gambling with my body is hard, and the uncertainty was too difficult.
    3. The more I learned about it, the more inner-peace I found.
    4. As soon as we started the adoption process, I could feel a lot of my IF anger melting away.

    So glad I found this post!  I was coming onto this board to post for the first time as we have finally come to the realization that adoption is the path that is best for us.  I could not have listed the reasons better than they are phrased above.  Going through the monthly cycles and having a miscarriage has really taken its toll on me emotionally. 

    We nearly pursued IVF but given my age, the likely success was very low, and I did not want to put my body through all of that, and spend all of that money, to end up disappointed.  But mostly I feel like our drive is really to parent another child - not necessarily to give birth to another baby.  Our family just does not yet feel complete. 

    We do have one biological child, and that plays into all of these decisions as well.  It is a deeply personal decision, that requires a lot of reflection.  It has taken us a long time to get to where we are now.  GL w/your decision.  I know for us it has not been an easy one.

     

  • We had two ectopic pregnancies, with each one requiring emergency surgery. I lost a tube with each one. We briefly considered IVF -- the doc was "optimistic" -- but I was not. I'm almost 40 and fat, I was already tired of being a pincushion and a patient, and as much as I wanted to experience pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc., my gut was telling me IVF was not for us. The more we researched adoption, the more at peace I felt. From a purely practical point of view, we knew that if IVF didn't work, we would have to wait years before we saved enough money to adopt.

    Like maryoosa, I have certainly struggled more with my IF since we've been matched with an EM than at any other time, but I don't regret the decision (but ask me again in 20 days, if the EM decides to parent instead of place!). There isn't one right answer, and I encourage you to listen to your heart about the path that is right for you.

  • We did 1 IVF and 2 FET cycles eventually after 3 years of trying and looking back we're kicking ourselves for ever going that route and "wasting our time" like that. However, I feel like if we hadn't, we'd always be wondering. So I guess, would you rather be feeling bad about "wasting time/money" or regret for not trying and the what if's? 
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