May 2013 Moms

WWYD...Loss Mentioned.

I have some dear friends who gave birth to their 22 week old baby. Unfortunately the baby did not survive and I am in complete shock that this has happened to them. I want to do something nice for them but they live 2 hours away. So running food over to them would be a difficult task to do. I was thinking about getting a piece of jewelry for the mom with the baby's initials but I didn't want to overstep any boundries on what she may or may not want. Do you ladies have any ideas or thoughts on what to do?
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Re: WWYD...Loss Mentioned.

  • Look up In The Bean Time on facebook. She has a necklace that is just for miscarriages/deaths. It says the name and somethhing about being in heaven. I thought they were so sweet and special.
    IAmPregnant Ticker
  • I had a friend suffer a loss. A group of us chipped in for gift cards and a meal delivery service since none of us were close enough to actually deliver food for her either.
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  • That would be perfect. Also understand that she may need distance from you and the baby right now. My loss was early but seeing pregnant women or babies was a dagger to my heart.

    The best thing you can do is be kind and think before you speak. Too many people said things that made me hurt more even though they were well intended. Also things like a journal, restaurant cards, and bath or relaxation items are very helpful.
    TTC January 2010
    BFP #1 10-11-10 ectopic discovered 10-22-10, 10-23-10 methotrexate & emergency surgery, lost right tube BFP #2 12-1-10 Found to be tissue dropped from salingectomy or missed heterotopic pregnancy from BFP #1 BFP #3 1-30-11 DS arrived on due date 10-10-11 BFP #4 Surprise 9-3-12 EDD 5-9-13 DS2 arrived 5-5-13 BFP #5 5-14-14 Emergency D&C 6-16-14 9 weeks
  • I would leave any memorial gifts to immediate family, as some see these items as unhappy reminders despite the good intent.  I know I personally wouldn't want anyone to give me such a gift if I was in that situation, but might eventually choose to pick one out myself after I had time to mourn.  Perhaps a giftcard to a jeweler if you feel your friend would appreciate it.

    I would go with giftcards for food and a polite card.  Something like Edible Arrangements that could be delivered ready to eat would also be nice.  Or, what I have done for a close friend, is make a donation in the baby's name to a cause the family supported.  That friend also had a tree planted in memory of her child, which she later took her rainbow baby to see.

    It all depends on how close you are to the family.  Also, don't forget the father... often the dad is overlooked.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Thanks everyone. I think I am just going to send some restaurant gift cards so they can go out to eat when they feel like it and it can be their choice on when to. I was worried about a personalized gift so I think this is the best option. 
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  • krwactkrwact
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    image jacqueandadam:
    Look up In The Bean Time on facebook. She has a necklace that is just for miscarriages/deaths. It says the name and somethhing about being in heaven. I thought they were so sweet and special.

    I know OP has already chosen what to do but I wanted to respond to this. As well-intentioned as this idea is, you have to really, really, really know the person before offering anything with a religious connection.  I'm not a religious person, so a person's religion-based comment about my loss felt hollow (though again, well-intentioned).  I've spoken with religious people who really struggled with their faith in the wake of a loss, so a gift of this nature might actually do more harm than good.  Unless you've had personal discussions with a person about their faith in relation to their loss, find another way to express your sympathy.

    ETA: OP, I think you are a wonderful friend to be reaching out to your friends in what is probably the worst time of their lives.  Too often, people with tragedies end up isolated.  As hard as it is to know what to say, reaching out to them is a very good thing.  I'm so sorry for your friends' loss.

    Kim 

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  • April!April!
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    Sounds like a good plan. A personalized gift is very sweet, but probably something she should pick out/decide she wants herself. It's nice of you to want to do something.
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