TTC After a Loss

grieving without God

I sometimes find myself having a hard time relating to a lot of the miscarriage and loss groups, blogs and quotes out there because I am just not a religious person--I was raised that way; life without faith has always just been a non-issue for me. As a result when people talk about their angel babies and say they will pray for me and things like that I am unsure how to respond. For prayers I usually just say "thanks'. but I don't know how to respond if they press me about my faith in God or tell me that things will happen in God's time and crap like that.

Anyone else? Does it make you feel out of place? unheard? conflicted? I guess it mostly just makes me feel like I am without language to talk about it.

 

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Re: grieving without God

  • QfrumpQfrump
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    That is a tough situation.  I would just take it like any other well-intended unwanted advice.  Just smile, nod, and say thank you.  Saying you aren't religious could potentially open Pandora's box.  Hang in there! When pressed, maybe just say it's private?
    TTC since 5/2012.  DX: PCOS
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    BFP #2  Baby Boy Q (BBQ): 2.5 mg Femara + trigger + progesterone.  

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  • DH and I are not religious at all. People have said those things to me. Personally, I don't think God (or any higher power) wants to break hearts and have people find out they have a dead baby in their womb, or a sick baby that will not survive to be born.

    It's hard. But when people say those things, I just say "thanks" for prayers...and when they say things like "Everything is in God's time or control...whatever" I just state the previously stated....

    People cling to their religious beliefs during hard times, I can't blame them for that--I just don't feel the same.

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  • Coming from a religious point of view, what the PP stated is good. Take it with love and with no intention of stepping on your choices regarding faith. So sorry for your loss.
    For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

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  • image AppleMomma:
    Coming from a religious point of view, what the PP stated is good. Take it with love and with no intention of stepping on your choices regarding faith. So sorry for your loss.

     

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  • No advice. There used to be a nonreligious check in for people who dealt with this very thing but it stopped a few months ago, so know that you are not alone in your perspective.

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  • ebwhitebwhit
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    image AppleMomma:
    Coming from a religious point of view, what the PP stated is good. Take it with love and with no intention of stepping on your choices regarding faith. So sorry for your loss.


    Of course. I do just say thanks and try to move the conversation along. I guess me struggle is that in the loss community the language isn't there for me. Things like reconciling my super prochoice stance and still needing to grieve early losses. It's complex.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    ME (26) DH (32) Diagnosis- unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss
    BFP #1 7/12- MC 8w.3d
    BFP #2 10/12- CP 
    BFP #3 1/13 - CP
    BFP #4 8/13- MC 6w3d
    IUI #1 50mg Clomid/Ovidrel 1/13-BFN
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  • I appreciate it when my religious friends irl and online say that they are sending me some prayers. I think of it this way, these people take the time out of their day to spare me a thought because they care. Even if we don't share a religious belief I am grateful for the thoughts.



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  • You're not the only non-religious person out there don't worry! I'm right there with you. If you want to chat about it, feel free to PM me. Most of the people in my life are not religious though, so I'm not faced with as many situations as you. People are just giving you well wishes the way they know how. Hang in there!
  • image ebwhit:
    image AppleMomma:
    Coming from a religious point of view, what the PP stated is good. Take it with love and with no intention of stepping on your choices regarding faith. So sorry for your loss.
    Of course. I do just say thanks and try to move the conversation along. I guess me struggle is that in the loss community the language isn't there for me. Things like reconciling my super prochoice stance and still needing to grieve early losses. It's complex.

    I get the bolded entirely. I'm very pro-choice, but never thought I'd be faced with having to terminate my own VERY WANTED and LOVED pregnancy. I was in the boat of...I wouldn't do it but don't think I should tell other women what to do boa.

     I wanted my twins very badly, but when you find out one has no heart and head and is actively causing your other twin to die of heart failure--it was very difficult to go through all of those emotions.

    My family is very Catholic and very pro-life from conception. I was scared to death to discuss this with my mother, but she likened it to 'putting my babies in hospice care'...I got off on a tangent LOL

     

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  • I can relate.  I'm perfectly happy to have people who are religious pray for me if they want to; as far as I am concerned I will take all the good thoughts I can get.  :)  But it can be hard to talk about how you are feeling when it does not fit into the framework that most people use.  My mother died when I was 25 and a lot of people tried to reassure me by saying that she was with the angels, or I would meet her when we were both in heaven.  I just believe that when you die, you die -- so all of that rang false for me and made me uncomfortable, and it made it difficult to talk about my loss.  Grieving my pregnancies has made me feel similarly out of place sometimes, though in general I am deeply grateful for the support of the women on this board, whether or not religion plays a part in their views.

    As PP said, there used to be a check in for this sort of thing...not sure if there is enough interest to make it worth reviving.

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  • image Serenla:
    I appreciate it when my religious friends irl and online say that they are sending me some prayers. I think of it this way, these people take the time out of their day to spare me a thought because they care. Even if we don't share a religious belief I am grateful for the thoughts.

     I agree with this. I'm coming from an in the middle, or rather transition, place. I was not raised in a religious family, but in the last few years it is a relationship that I have actively sought and tried to make sense of (personal choice entirely). But it's still awkward because regardless of your faith, religious opinions, or feelings, they are most likely not going to be right in line with someone else's anyway. I think thanking Faithful (with the "big F") people is appropriate, because it shows appreciation for their way to show compassion and hope that your pain eases and you get what you are trying for!

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  • image Serenla:
    I appreciate it when my religious friends irl and online say that they are sending me some prayers. I think of it this way, these people take the time out of their day to spare me a thought because they care. Even if we don't share a religious belief I am grateful for the thoughts.

    this. 

     

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  • image Serenla:
    I appreciate it when my religious friends irl and online say that they are sending me some prayers. I think of it this way, these people take the time out of their day to spare me a thought because they care. Even if we don't share a religious belief I am grateful for the thoughts.


    That's how I look at it too. Fwiw, I do believe in God but I don't think he has anything to do with planning our losses, so those comments annoy me just as much
    imageimage
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  • image ellajune2012:
    image Serenla:
    I appreciate it when my religious friends irl and online say that they are sending me some prayers. I think of it this way, these people take the time out of their day to spare me a thought because they care. Even if we don't share a religious belief I am grateful for the thoughts.


    That's how I look at it too. Fwiw, I do believe in God but I don't think he has anything to do with planning our losses, so those comments annoy me just as much

    I think most of us would agree that hearing "God has a plan" or whatever upsets us all.



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    Started dating in 5/9/05, Married 6/25/11
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    BFP #2 7/17/13, EDD 3/29/14 ended in a CP on 7/22/13.
    BFP#3 8/19/13 EDD 5/3/14 Nerdling was born 4/29/14, welcome little one!
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  • ebwhitebwhit
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    thanks ladies for all your thoughts and perspectives---- this is such a rough river to navigate.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    ME (26) DH (32) Diagnosis- unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss
    BFP #1 7/12- MC 8w.3d
    BFP #2 10/12- CP 
    BFP #3 1/13 - CP
    BFP #4 8/13- MC 6w3d
    IUI #1 50mg Clomid/Ovidrel 1/13-BFN
    IUI #2 2/14 100MG Clomid/Ovidrel- BFP! grow baby grow

  • I totally get the balancing the uber pro-choice mindset with grieving a very early loss. We used to have a check-in for agnostics/atheists. . . .
    Me: 36 yo, TTC #1 since Feb. 2012
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    BFP #2: 11/16/12, EDD 7/25/13, MMC 12/5/12, D&C 12/6/12, Complete molar pregnancy confirmed 2/9/13, benched for 6 months until  August 2013

    IUI #1, 8/16/13 Femara + Menopur, 3 mature follicles, BFN
    IUI #2 (back-to-back, 9/12/13 and 9/13/13) Femara + Menopur, four mature follicles, BFFN
    IUI #3, 10/8/13 Femara + Menopur, six mature follicles, BFN

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    Additional Dx: hypothyroidism, TgAb positive & anti-TPO positive, POR/DOR (2/2013), and suspected endometriosis

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  • KMW08KMW08
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    I'm not real religious, dh grew up catholic and follows those beliefs, but doesn't go to church regularly.

    When I get prayers, I think of them as well wishes and take comfort in them knowing I'm being thought about.

    Now, I do believe in heaven and maybe hell. And I've had discussions with dh and my mom since our losses.

    I can't believe HE needs all of these angel babies or kids, like the sandy hook tragedy.

    Why these things happen I believe is unknown. Religion teaches there are things we can not understand, and that has brought me the most peace and most understanding of why this is happening.

    I told dh and my mom that if He is that selfish and needs those babies I'm going straight to hell when judgement day comes , because I'll let Him know exactly what I think about that. I simply can't believe He needs them all or by the deaths of all those children is meant to teach one or two people a lesson.

    So for me, there are things we can not understand. None of these tragedies are meant to be a lesson or happen for a reason.

    That's just my take, and maybe you and others can relate. This is how I keep my sanity and my mostly positive outlook.

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  • I kind of feel the same as you. I was raised Catholic but dont really fallow any religion right now. This is why I pretty much just always send out *hugs* instead of prayers because honestly, I dont pray. I will always say my grateful thank you though because to me its the thought that someone is taking a minute for me that counts. 
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  • image Mrsbtobe2012:

    DH and I are not religious at all. People have said those things to me. Personally, I don't think God (or any higher power) wants to break hearts and have people find out they have a dead baby in their womb, or a sick baby that will not survive to be born.

    It's hard. But when people say those things, I just say "thanks" for prayers...and when they say things like "Everything is in God's time or control...whatever" I just state the previously stated....

    People cling to their religious beliefs during hard times, I can't blame them for that--I just don't feel the same.

    Well said, this is me and my hubby too. And I have very religious parents, it's a bit of a fine line to walk sometimes balancing their beliefs and our lack of them.  


         

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  • I was also raised religious but feel no connection to it now. When people offer me prayers, I say "thanks" realizing that for them, that's the best thing they have to offer. When people ask for prayers I tell them I will keep them in my thoughts and close to my heart, and I do. I hope they know that is the best I have to offer.

    If I had to label myself something, it would probably be a humanist. I believe in the goodness of each of us, our duty to care for one another, and that our ultimate reward is right here in the lives and relationships we build.

    DH (44) and I (40 Lordy, lordy!) started TTC with hysteroscopy to remove embedded Paraguard IUD (of which a chunk remains) 10/10.
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    And she will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night

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  • My thoughts were explained much better by VeganLady and ball.and.chain.

    Just know that there are others out there going through the same struggles.

    I'd be happy to run a checkin if people are interested. I can't recall the old format so I'd have to do some searching on the forum.

    "It's, not, where you are, it's where you're going,
    And it's, not, about the things you've done, it's what you're doing, now"

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  • ebwhitebwhit
    250 Answers 500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary
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    image jenkellen:
    My thoughts were explained much better by VeganLady and ball.and.chain. Just know that there are others out there going through the same struggles. I'd be happy to run a checkin if people are interested. I can't recall the old format so I'd have to do some searching on the forum.

    I would love that- I'm not sure how it used to be set-up but I know I'm not organized enough to be in charge of it. However, if there is anything I could to to help please let me know  

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    ME (26) DH (32) Diagnosis- unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss
    BFP #1 7/12- MC 8w.3d
    BFP #2 10/12- CP 
    BFP #3 1/13 - CP
    BFP #4 8/13- MC 6w3d
    IUI #1 50mg Clomid/Ovidrel 1/13-BFN
    IUI #2 2/14 100MG Clomid/Ovidrel- BFP! grow baby grow

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