Dads & Dads-to-be

Quick question

Why is it that every time dh and I have a big blow out argument he promises to change and then he's the best man ever for only 3 to 4 days and goes back to the doush he was before ????

Re: Quick question

  • He's an azzhole????

    With us not knowing what you're fighting about constantly, I would have to ask you if you've ever thought about counseling?  If this is a recurring issue and you're getting so exasperated that you feel the need to approach a bunch of random dudes on a message board for help, I think you would do better to discuss marriage counseling with your DH.  

    ETA:  Not trying to sound snarky in my response but counseling really is my go to answer for posts like this. 

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  • We argue about him looking for other girls to talk to at his job , because he gets upset with me bitching at him all the time , because he goes to work comes home and plays his Xbox and ignores me and his kids . The only time he wants to bother me is when he needs food or if he wants sex . He always says hell be a better husband and father and then 3 days he's perfect and then boom ! Back to how he was . I have talked to him about going to counseling and in his opinion those people don't know *** .....
  • Well then I stand by my original statement, he sounds like an azzhole.  Some guys simply refuse to leave their college days behind (I'm assuming you're both out of college).  

    You have legitimate concerns regarding your relationship and as a husband and a father, he needs to be responsible and hear you out instead of being so irrational.  His opinion that "those people don't know sh!t," well that's just ridiculous.  I have friends who went through counseling and they have a much stronger relationship because of it.  

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  • I just really don't know what to do any more , I've threatened to leave and all he says is " I'll help you pack your *** "
  • That's f'ucked up and I'm sorry he's being like that.  These problems are WAY beyond the scope of "normal relationship issues."  You need marriage counseling.  
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  • image futant462:
    That's f'ucked up and I'm sorry he's being like that. nbsp;These problems are WAY beyond the scope of "normal relationship issues." nbsp;You need marriage counseling. nbsp;

    I know we do but for him it's just not an option . At this point I just don't know what to do , I don't have any family and I'm a Sahm so it's not like I can just get up and leave with no concern .
  • Start looking at your options then.

    Option 1: If he won't go to counseling, go by yourself. It could be that you're expecting way more from him than he ever indicated he would offer, or that he never really wanted the responsibility of a child, and he expects you to do most of the work because you're the mom. (Honestly he sounds like a man-child to me, but I don't know him outside of your gripes about him - maybe he has or at one point had some redeeming qualities that compelled you to have a child with him?)

    At any rate, if you decide to stay with him, you need to take control of the things you CAN control in order to be happier for yourself and your child. You can't force him to change, and asking the guys here why he's being so unhelpful isn't really helping YOU. If he wants to sit on the sidelines and let you do all the parenting, resolve to be the best mom you can be, and make the best out of your situation. 

    Option 2: If you want to get out of your marriage, start looking for a job that will still allow you to support your children, even on your own. If you come in at a low enough household income on your own, you may qualify for government assistance regarding childcare during the day. You say you have no family, but maybe you have friends you can move in with for a while as you figure things out? I don't know your situation. If you get a divorce (Or even if you're not married in the first place) you can get child support from him. 

     I don't know your personal situation, but while this may seem like the harder option, it may end up being better for you in the long run. It could be that once you're out and living for yourself and your child, you may find a man that's crazy about you and crazy about being a dad, and get the husband/father that you seem to want your current man to be. 

    Either way you choose, asking WHY he's acting the way he is, just isn't productive. There could be a million reasons why, but none of them will help you get your relationship on the track that you want it on. And ultimately, you'll have to make your decision based on what's best for your child. 

    Good luck.  

    "Your accent is horrible and your grammar not much better." "But apart from that-" "Also, it sounded like you were asking the baker how his penis is, which I don't think was your intention at all." "Ah. Best we stick to English, then." -James Lovegrove "The Age of Zeus"
  • image MommyP26:
    We argue about him looking for other girls to talk to at his job , because he gets upset with me bitching at him all the time , because he goes to work comes home and plays his Xbox and ignores me and his kids . The only time he wants to bother me is when he needs food or if he wants sex . He always says hell be a better husband and father and then 3 days he's perfect and then boom ! Back to how he was . I have talked to him about going to counseling and in his opinion those people don't know *** .....

     Also, in my decade of being married, my husband has never once responded well to me bitching at him. If you start nagging or hollering at him first thing after he comes home from work, he's not going to WANT to spend time with you or the kids. Hell, I'd retreat to my Xbox too, if that's what I came home to every day.

     

    "Your accent is horrible and your grammar not much better." "But apart from that-" "Also, it sounded like you were asking the baker how his penis is, which I don't think was your intention at all." "Ah. Best we stick to English, then." -James Lovegrove "The Age of Zeus"
  • Why did you marry a a douche?

    Honestly, if a guy is a douche, he's likely to stay a douche.  He's only going to change if he really wants to, and if he's not taking his role as dad and father seriously, then I'd say he doesn't really want to.  Even if he wants to, change is not always an easy thing.

    I'd say explore counseling, even if just for yourself.  If you've told him you'll leave and he said I'll help you pack... I don't know why you'd want to be around him anyways, and is that a role model you really want your kids to have in the house?

  • I agree with the PPs. I think you need to sit down and talk to him calmly. I know it sounds almost stupid but make it a conversation about the relationship. All the things you value about it and the things you want to change.

     Try to meet him in the middle and keep it calm and rational. Tell him how you feel and suggest you go to counseling so that you all can work through these things in a constructive light. 

     If that just doesn't stick then I would consider if this is what you want in the long run and start considering what you would do if not. I think it is hard for most of the men on this board to relate as I know I cant imagine telling my wife I would help her pack if she offered to leave. 

  • Depends on what you are fighting about.  If it is something serious such as him spending too much money so you can't have groceries that is a huge issue and you my need professional help.

    If it is because he can't leave the toilet seat down or one of his other quirks that is an irritant then  you have a choice to either live with it or leave him.

  • After reading the other posts, I would say just leave his and have him pay you alimony and child support.  It will be hard initially, but if you have been dealing with this for a decade that is long enough.
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