Parenting

I know this may cause all kinds of drama

I know this may start all kinds of drama and flaming although I hope not.  Do you spank your kids?  I really don't like spanking DD but her behavior has been so extreme lately that no time out or talking to works and I have spanked her a few times.  I always feel bad afterwards but I do not know how to get through to her.  My parents spanked me when I was a kid, and mom thinks I should spank DD now.  Somebody out their be honest and say you have spanked your kid?  If you don't besides time out, firm talking to and taking things away how do you discipline your kids? 
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Re: I know this may cause all kinds of drama

  • Nope I don't spank.  The few times you spanked did it work?  How'd you feel after? If it doesn't feel right to you, don't do it.  Don't let anyone else tell you how to deal with your child.  I personally don't think spanking is an effective form of punishment.   

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  • How old is your DD? I personally don't, it's just NMS.

    Don't do it because somebody else thinks you should. You do what feels right. If you're not comfortable with it, then don't do it.
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  • I honestly don't understand this concept of discipline "working". There isn't one thing you can do to make a child never act out again. Some of it is impulse control, which isn't fully developed until age 6, by the way, much of it is child development, as in kids of certain age are "supposed" to flex their independence muscles as part of healthy development which conflicts with parents' preferences, and some of it is actual rebellion.

    I believe in connecting before corecting, building relationships, trusting my child, and showing her the impact her actions have on others.

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    No, I don't and I won't, no matter what anyone else thinks.  
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  • I swore with DD1 that I would never never spank a child and I never did spank her. DS has been a different beast and we've each tried spanking him a few times to get through to him. It doesn't work and even though he didn't get upset either time that I did it, he occasionally says "Mommy spank a bum" and then laughs. It makes me feel like all sorts of sht.
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  • I have spanked mine before. More so to show the seriousness of the issue, get their attention, not so much to cause pain or anything. It hasn't been often at all. DS maybe got his hand popped once and DD maybe 3 times in life. 

    ETA - when it has happened it was not an automatic result of a behavior, like if you do this, this will happened. So, not as a form of punishment.

    You can't use natural consequence, redirection, or positive reinforcement when it comes to certain things that are important or can result in death or great physical harm. 

    ETA - I also wasn't "frustrated" when I did it. They also never did whatever again.  


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  • I feel like spanking teaches kids physical aggression. They learn that they get physically punished when they do something bad, so when other people do bad things, they are likely to have learned that those people need to be physically punished as well.

    With kids that I teach and kids I have nannied for, I put a consistent reward system in place, which really cuts back on the need for punishments. When they did something undesirable, I gave time outs. I also believe in natural consequences, when they are not dangerous. For example, if little Sally throws her plate at lunch and she's old enough to understand not to do that, little Sally doesn't get to eat and has to help clean up her mess.

    Consistency and keeping a level head is the key. Oh and lots of wine.
  • In a moment of danger where nothing else was stopping him (such as when he was repeatedly running toward to open oven as I was trying to take something out), yes.

    It's never been anything to hurt him, but to get his attention. I'm pretty sure me smacking his butt is preferable to him driving into a 400 degree oven. 

     

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  • I've never understood the purpose of it. Physical pain equals fear equals obeying? It just seems so backward. Spanking because you are at the end of your rope is simply a euphemism for wanting to hit your kid. In my bold and probably flammable opinion. Also, there not their. Hate to do it but the thread below brought it to mind lol
  • I understand the frustration that may lead one to spanking, but I won't and I don't think it is constructive. I think it's quite the opposite actually. I was spanked once by my dad; all it did was make me fear him, not make me learn my lesson.
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  • I haven't spanked yet; I probably won't.  I believe more in teaching than discipline and I use a lot of natural consequences.  I also use praise and rewards.  My mom did this a lot growing up, for example, clean your room and then you can go to your friends house.  Also like Fred said, are your expectations developmentally appropriate? 

    ETA: This is not to say that I haven't popped DS on the hand when he hurt me, more like a reflex to move his hand away.  I am not claiming perfection by any means, but I am not the kind of person to be like, "OK let me get my belt" like some parents.  

  • Never spanked my kids.  I've made it 6.5 years without feeling the need or desire to hit my children, I plan to make it a lifetime.  Hitting just doesn't feel right to me. I've never actually hit an adult, I certainly don't think that hitting children is a good idea.

    When i'm at the end of my rope and discipline isn't getting the desired result I walk away.  discipline doesn't always work in the moment, I do think it works in the long run. 

  • Burp!


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  • I did it once. The look of hurt and confusion on his little face will ensure that as long as I live, I will never do it again.


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  • image justAphase:
    I understand the frustration that may lead one to spanking, but I won't and I don't think it is constructive. I think it's quite the opposite actually. I was spanked once by my dad; all it did was make me fear him, not make me learn my lesson.

    Then he didn't use it correctly. I'm guessing he did it out of anger.

     

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  • Nope, for many reasons- of which, the simplest is just that it really would not work with my kids (or any children I've known in that capacity). I really think it would terrify my children if I raised a hand to them, and it would break my soul to see them look at me with that kind of fear in their eyes. They are both extremely sensitive, bright kids who know that any degree of smacking earns them some serious consequences, too- I'm not about to undermine that understanding by showing them, "But, hey- I can hit your butt when I'm upset about something- that's totally different!".

    What kinds of behavior are you having trouble with?


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  • We spank. My DH is fully on board with it. I was spanked, he was spanked as a child. Neither of us were scarred from it. I don't worry about what others think of it. I feel that it is a very effective tool for us. I don't need someone else to make me feel guilty for parenting.

    I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.
  • image GhostMonkey:

    image justAphase:
    I understand the frustration that may lead one to spanking, but I won't and I don't think it is constructive. I think it's quite the opposite actually. I was spanked once by my dad; all it did was make me fear him, not make me learn my lesson.

    Then he didn't use it correctly. I'm guessing he did it out of anger.

     



    I don't agree with this. My mom spanked and did it the "right" way, as in open palm, after a break and not seething anger, no marks, etc. It, along with the rest of her and my dad's very authoritarian parenting practices made me fear them but not respect them.

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  • image courtnif:
    We spank. My DH is fully on board with it. I was spanked, he was spanked as a child. Neither of us were scarred from it. I don't worry about what others think of it. I feel that it is a very effective tool for us. I don't need someone else to make me feel guilty for parenting.

    I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.


    Just because a kid is not hit does not mean a kid is not disciplined.
  • I admit that I have tried it. I didn't like it and the only reaction I got from DS1 was him telling me hitting is not nice, LOL. It didn't last, obviously.

    We have started using 123 Magic and it is working for us. We do timeout in his room, with the door locked at the moment, if we ever get to 3 and he doesn't like it one bit. I highly recommend reading the book. It's pretty simple and effective.

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  • image fredalina:
    image GhostMonkey:

    image justAphase:
    I understand the frustration that may lead one to spanking, but I won't and I don't think it is constructive. I think it's quite the opposite actually. I was spanked once by my dad; all it did was make me fear him, not make me learn my lesson.

    Then he didn't use it correctly. I'm guessing he did it out of anger.

     

    I don't agree with this. My mom spanked and did it the "right" way, as in open palm, after a break and not seething anger, no marks, etc. It, along with the rest of her and my dad's very authoritarian parenting practices made me fear them but not respect them.

    But even in your example, it was not that one thing that made you fear them, but their parenting style in general.

    The way her comment is phrased it seems like her fear stems from that one incident. 

     

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  • image GhostMonkey:
    In a moment of danger where nothing else was stopping him such as when he was repeatedly running toward to open oven as I was trying to take something out, yes. It's never been anything to hurt him, but to get his attention. I'm pretty sure me smacking his butt is preferable to him driving into a 400 degree oven.nbsp;nbsp;


    This for me too. DS has been running out into the road and running away from us all the time. He doesn't stop when called and he's FAST. It scared me so much that when I caught him I spanked him hoping that he would feel the fear that I felt and wouldn't do that. I do my best to not give him the opportunity to run but I can't always foresee it. Anyway, it didn't work but its not that I was necessarily trying to punish him so much as make him associate that with running into the road. He's just about to turn 2 and doesn't get the whole cars =danger thing.
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  • image courtnif:
    We spank. My DH is fully on board with it. I was spanked, he was spanked as a child. Neither of us were scarred from it. I don't worry about what others think of it. I feel that it is a very effective tool for us. I don't need someone else to make me feel guilty for parenting.

    I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.
    Defensive much?
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  • image GhostMonkey:
    image fredalina:
    image GhostMonkey:

    image justAphase:
    I understand the frustration that may lead one to spanking, but I won't and I don't think it is constructive. I think it's quite the opposite actually. I was spanked once by my dad; all it did was make me fear him, not make me learn my lesson.

    Then he didn't use it correctly. I'm guessing he did it out of anger.

     



    I don't agree with this. My mom spanked and did it the "right" way, as in open palm, after a break and not seething anger, no marks, etc. It, along with the rest of her and my dad's very authoritarian parenting practices made me fear them but not respect them.

    But even in your example, it was not that one thing that made you fear them, but their parenting style in general.

    The way her comment is phrased it seems like her fear stems from that one incident. 

     

    I think it's two sides of the same bush.

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  • I have not and will not spank my child.
  • image fredalina:
    image GhostMonkey:

    image justAphase:
    I understand the frustration that may lead one to spanking, but I won't and I don't think it is constructive. I think it's quite the opposite actually. I was spanked once by my dad; all it did was make me fear him, not make me learn my lesson.

    Then he didn't use it correctly. I'm guessing he did it out of anger.

     

    I don't agree with this. My mom spanked and did it the "right" way, as in open palm, after a break and not seething anger, no marks, etc. It, along with the rest of her and my dad's very authoritarian parenting practices made me fear them but not respect them.

    I would think making a kid wait for it would be worse, like a mental torture.  I just find the whole act of spanking to be so humiliating for the child.  I suppose it's a forced physical submission.  I just don't see any good side to it.  Seems lazy to me.  Time outs are hard for parents to implement at first, if done right.  That's why so many parents give up and say they don't work for their kid.  

    I give up trying to get a ticker.  I have a DD that is 2.5 years old and is awesome.  Maybe I'll add a quote to distinguish myself.  Hmmm.  How about...

    "It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?" - A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
  • image eddy321:

    image courtnif:
    We spank. My DH is fully on board with it. I was spanked, he was spanked as a child. Neither of us were scarred from it. I don't worry about what others think of it. I feel that it is a very effective tool for us. I don't need someone else to make me feel guilty for parenting.

    I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.

    You get to make the choice to spank your children, but I'm not sure it's fair to say that all non-spanked kids are "entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis."  It's also not fair to imply that non-spanked kids have parents who believe "everyone deserves a trophy."

    I fully intend to discipline my kids.  I just know that I cannot spank them because of personal background issues.  I also don't buy into the mentality that everyone gets rewarded just for participating.



    I'm not specifically saying kids who aren't spanked are all undisciplined. However, I have seen a total shift in behavior of kids since the antispanking movement has progressed. Is that the definite reason, probably not, but lack of discipline at home has created a generation of kids with all sorts of issues. Taking the paddle as discipline out of schools has also caused a shift. This is not just my opinion, but has been backed up by comments from students. There is nothing to fear anymore.
  • image shanado:
    image courtnif:
    We spank. My DH is fully on board with it. I was spanked, he was spanked as a child. Neither of us were scarred from it. I don't worry about what others think of it. I feel that it is a very effective tool for us. I don't need someone else to make me feel guilty for parenting.

    I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.
    Defensive much?


    Not really.
  • image courtnif:
    image eddy321:

    image courtnif:
    We spank. My DH is fully on board with it. I was spanked, he was spanked as a child. Neither of us were scarred from it. I don't worry about what others think of it. I feel that it is a very effective tool for us. I don't need someone else to make me feel guilty for parenting. I teach high school and an exposed to entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis. I do not want my child to be like that. I was not raised like that, and I don't want my child to be. I also don't buy into the "everyone deserves a trophy" mentality, so take my post with a grain of salt.

    You get to make the choice to spank your children, but I'm not sure it's fair to say that all non-spanked kids are "entitled kids who have never been disciplined on a daily basis."  It's also not fair to imply that non-spanked kids have parents who believe "everyone deserves a trophy."

    I fully intend to discipline my kids.  I just know that I cannot spank them because of personal background issues.  I also don't buy into the mentality that everyone gets rewarded just for participating.

    I'm not specifically saying kids who aren't spanked are all undisciplined. However, I have seen a total shift in behavior of kids since the antispanking movement has progressed. Is that the definite reason, probably not, but lack of discipline at home has created a generation of kids with all sorts of issues. Taking the paddle as discipline out of schools has also caused a shift. This is not just my opinion, but has been backed up by comments from students. There is nothing to fear anymore.

    I disagree. The way kids are today is due to lack of parenting, not spanking. There are too many lazy parents who don't take the time with their children. You don't need to put hand to your child to raise a well behaved kid. Mine has never been spanked and never will be. I take the time to teach her how to behave. Not just punish her when she doesn't. 

  • image eddy321:

    image courtnif:


    I'm not specifically saying kids who aren't spanked are all undisciplined. However, I have seen a total shift in behavior of kids since the antispanking movement has progressed. Is that the definite reason, probably not, but lack of discipline at home has created a generation of kids with all sorts of issues. Taking the paddle as discipline out of schools has also caused a shift. This is not just my opinion, but has been backed up by comments from students. There is nothing to fear anymore.

    This is kind of ridiculous, IMO.  There's so much involved with the culture shift that it can't simply be blamed on not spanking.  Parents started to decide to become their children's friends instead of their parents.  Spanking is just a tool for discipline.  The idea that discipline in general is failing isn't due to one tool being shunned.

    Also, FWIW, my siblings and I feared my father in a huge way.  He spanked us (among other physical punishments), and he was super strict.  That didn't stop any of us from being complete sh!tholes to our teachers.  I threw a book at my math teacher in 6th grade.  I skipped classes and treated certain teachers like garbage.  My behavior was appalling until I grew a conscience and started acting for myself.  Fearing my dad simply made me learn to hide my actions better.



    I don't feel it is the only reason, as I stated, but I do think it has some bearing on it.

    I guess I have a different perspective because spanking was a very effective tool for me as a child. I never feared my parents because of it, but the threat of it was enough to make me question my decision.

    I'm certainly not saying that everyone should spank or that people who don't are bad parents. I feel that it is an effective discipline tool in my household. I guess my other comments are more about a lack of discipline than a lack of spanking. Thanks for making that clear.
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