October 2013 Moms

October loss mamas

I dont post much but was wondering how all are doing as well as had a question. I hit 23 weeks, and this is the week i lost my daughter my last pregnancy. I know my little boy is all stitched in, but given the barrage of issues ive had this pregnancy i  still cant imagine having a take home baby. I see so many posts about buying clothes setting up nurseries and i must say im very envious. It gives me horrible anxiety to think that if something happens ill have to pack away everything again like i did with my daughter. Is anyone else feeling this way and if you are...when will you or when did you "take the plunge" and start on purchasing things? I keep thinking at certain milestones thats when ill get up the courage to do it but so far...nada. Ugh..i so hate my brain right now! 
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Re: October loss mamas

  • Aw, that's so sad. Sorry for your loss. Is it inappropriate to ask what happened? If it is, sorry.

    I went through 2 losses but they were early on b4 I had DS 2. I didn't really start buying major things until I felt him kicking. I did buy a couple outfits after I found out the sex.
    With this baby, I haven't bought much. I feel him kick all the time. I just haven't got around to it much.
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  • For me, getting past the first trimester was when I started to feel like it was gonna happen. I know things can still go wrong after that point, but all my losses where early. I still have the fear, but not as bad as at first. I think the pgal brain works by fearing most until a little after the loss occured. Not that the fear ever goes away. From what I hear, I will have that fear in the back of my mind for the rest of my life.
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  • OmeedOmeed
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    First of all I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand your fears. I lost my daughter at 20 weeks and I feel the same way. I have not bought anything as yet. Just too scared. I'm also 23 weeks now and don't know when I'll feel that it's safe to start purchasing stuff or set up the nursery.
  • I did not have a late loss, but I still feel anxiety before every appointment. DH has really helped me with being as secure as I can be and we've pretty much got the nursery put together. 

    Im sorry you lost your little girl. Maybe try buying something small, like an outfit, and moving onto bigger purchases.  

    Edited to fix my error! 


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  • HomcrnHomcrn
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    image sharonstevens85:
    Aw, that's so sad. Sorry for your loss. Is it inappropriate to ask what happened? If it is, sorry. I went through 2 losses but they were early on b4 I had DS 2. I didn't really start buying major things until I felt him kicking. I did buy a couple outfits after I found out the sex. With this baby, I haven't bought much. I feel him kick all the time. I just haven't got around to it much.
     

    Not inappropriate at all. I had an incompetent cervix which led to preterm labor. By the time i knew what was happening i was 4cm dilated and had to deliver. She was fine..perfect..it was my body that failed. She was born alive and lived for about 3 precious hours. Im sorry for your losses as well. Thanks for your reply! 

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  • I know exactly what you mean. I went into PTL and lost our daughter close to 26 weeks. I'm 24 wks 3 days today and I'm just now letting myself believe that this could be our take home baby. Getting to viability helped a lot. It's not a magic number but it means something. 

    I also haven't bought a single item for this LO. (we're expecting a boy) I have a ton of girly stuff from last year but we'd also bought a crib and stroller that weren't too girly that we'll use for our lil guy. 

    I think I'll take the plunge once I hit 30 weeks. Or maybe 34 :) I honestly don't know. Like you, my PgAL brain always finds a way to stop me in my tracks when I want to indulge on some shopping.

    One thing I did buy though that's somewhat baby related are nursing pads. I started leaking like crazy last night and there's no way I'm stepping out without them.

     Are you getting additinal monitoring? My weekly ultrasounds have also lessen my anxiety. 

    It can be really tough but hang in there mama! Big hugs! 

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  • HomcrnHomcrn
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    image reneeandbill:
    For me, getting past the first trimester was when I started to feel like it was gonna happen. I know things can still go wrong after that point, but all my losses where early. I still have the fear, but not as bad as at first. I think the pgal brain works by fearing most until a little after the loss occured. Not that the fear ever goes away. From what I hear, I will have that fear in the back of my mind for the rest of my life.

    Im sorry for your losses, To me a loss is a life no matter how small.  Im glad your pgal brain has eased some! 

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  • HomcrnHomcrn
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    image Omeed:
    First of all I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand your fears. I lost my daughter at 20 weeks and I feel the same way. I have not bought anything as yet. Just too scared. I'm also 23 weeks now and don't know when I'll feel that it's safe to start purchasing stuff or set up the nursery.

    Thank you and im sorry about the loss of your daughter. This sucks to think this way but it is nice to know im not rowing in this boat alone. Make you a deal...if you figure out first let me know and ill do the same for you!  

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    image Charlie1178:

    I did not have a late loss, but I still feel anxiety before every appointment. DH has really helped me with being as secure as I can be and we've pretty much got the nursery put together. 

    Im sorry you lost your little girl. Maybe try buying something small, like an outfit, and moving onto bigger purchases.  

    Edited to fix my error! 

    Thank you...im sorry you have had loss as well.Im glad you got your nursery together! Early or later loss the anxiety sucks!  Thanks for the suggestion! 

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  • HomcrnHomcrn
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    I know exactly what you mean. I went into PTL and lost our daughter close to 26 weeks. I'm 24 wks 3 days today and I'm just now letting myself believe that this could be our take home baby. Getting to viability helped a lot. It's not a magic number but it means something. 

    I also haven't bought a single item for this LO. (we're expecting a boy) I have a ton of girly stuff from last year but we'd also bought a crib and stroller that weren't too girly that we'll use for our lil guy. 

    I think I'll take the plunge once I hit 30 weeks. Or maybe 34 :) I honestly don't know. Like you, my PgAL brain always finds a way to stop me in my tracks when I want to indulge on some shopping.

    One thing I did buy though that's somewhat baby related are nursing pads. I started leaking like crazy last night and there's no way I'm stepping out without them.

     Are you getting additinal monitoring? My weekly ultrasounds have also lessen my anxiety. 

    It can be really tough but hang in there mama! Big hugs! 

    Hugs back to you...im sorry you lost your daughter. Congrats on the boy...thats what im having as well!  I think viability will mean something..then i think no 28 weeks then it gets further away! Im right there with you. I get biweekly ultrasounds...its nice to see him..but in all honesty it adds to anxiety sometimes. They take me back to the day i lost my daughter. When i went in....they did an ultrasound, printed pictures....she was on the screen alive and doing well. I thought ...thank goodness shes ok...whatever is happening they can fix it. Tech left...in came dr and my world came crashing down. In the most horrible bedside manner he said baby is fine but your going to deliver we cant stop it and left. So needless to say all i can think of is this will happen again. Luckily..i have a crack team of experts on me watching me like a hawk which does bring some comfort. 

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  • For me, I won't be excited about this pregnancy until I am home with a baby in tow. Hell, maybe not even then. It's hard seeing people get prepared because that was me. I was prepared. And then I was torn apart when I had to pack up all of the baby stuff and move it out. It is something that lingers in the back of my head every day and I'm sorry it's getting to you. Sending you tons of thoughts of peace through this milestone and know that you're not alone.
  • HomcrnHomcrn
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    image mdharrison:
    For me, I won't be excited about this pregnancy until I am home with a baby in tow. Hell, maybe not even then. It's hard seeing people get prepared because that was me. I was prepared. And then I was torn apart when I had to pack up all of the baby stuff and move it out. It is something that lingers in the back of my head every day and I'm sorry it's getting to you. Sending you tons of thoughts of peace through this milestone and know that you're not alone.

    Im sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. Thank for such a sweet reply and i appreciate the thoughts and knowing im not alone! Prayers for you and bringing home a little one! 

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  • I think it won't be real until she's in my arms. We bought the crib and I've painted, but I don't want to buy any clothes or small little trinkets because going through all of the stuff last time was way too hard for me, the crib can still be taken down and stored, so that's why I felt comfortable with that purchase.
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  • I lost my son at 32 weeks.  Honestly I still feel uncertain that we are bringing home our baby girl. It makes me sad to feel so uneasy but I can not shake that feeling. I just keep looking at all the stuff grandma bought her but it does not feel real to me yet.  It helps to see the high risk doctor frequently but does take all my fears away.  

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  • HomcrnHomcrn
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    image Jaycarmelxo:
    I think it won't be real until she's in my arms. We bought the crib and I've painted, but I don't want to buy any clothes or small little trinkets because going through all of the stuff last time was way too hard for me, the crib can still be taken down and stored, so that's why I felt comfortable with that purchase.

    Going through the small things was so very hard. Im sorry for your loss. I think painting may be my first step as well. I just have to get there!  

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  • HomcrnHomcrn
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    image JenOSU03:
    I lost my son at 32 weeks.  Honestly I still feel uncertain that we are bringing home our baby girl. It makes me sad to feel so uneasy but I can not shake that feeling. I just keep looking at all the stuff grandma bought her but it does not feel real to me yet.  It helps to see the high risk doctor frequently but does take all my fears away.  

    Im sorry for the loss of your son, thank you for your reply. I agree it is so very sad to always be uneasy and to think this is our normal. Big hugs! On a separate note...i have to say Go bucks! Ohio mama here too!   

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  • image Homcrn:
    Going through the small things was so very hard. Im sorry for your loss. I think painting may be my first step as well. I just have to get there! nbsp;


    Painting was good for me because its something I felt comfortable enough to do, and it gave me a little control over going crazy with time to kill in between appointments lol

    I'm sorry for yours as well.
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  • RedZeeRedZee
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    I'm so sorry for all that all of you have been through.

    I just wanted to tell you not to stress about not preparing for the baby. My family and community are superstitious and we don't purchase anything until after a baby is born. We went to the hospital and had nothing but a car seat and it was really, really fine. (The first week DH was taking lots of trips to Target and Buy Buy Baby.) I had a few scares with DD, but didn't go through what any of you did, and even with that it was hard to feel sure that I'd be taking DD home and this time feel like I can't take anything for granted.

    Looking forward to hearing great news from all of you in October!

         
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  • Hugs. I am so sorry for your loss.

    I have had early losses so I have a ton of fear during my first tri. I totally understand your feelings and do not push yourself to do something your not comfortable with just yet, like big baby purchases. You still have plenty of time to do all that. Hugs!!


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  • Just sending out big hugs. I have watched a few friends go through late losses and it is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

    Just do what feels comfortable. I have never had a late loss but I don't set up the nursery ahead of time. The baby sleeps in a bassinet next to me for atleast three months and that is when I set up the baby's room. I mean the paint and floors are done but the rest of the stuff still needs to be done.
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  • First of all, huge [[hugs]] to you. I am so sorry for your loss. PgAL is hard. I also am envious and jealous of the innocence of other non loss moms. I wish I had that still.

    My situation is a little different than yours, since my loss was a few days before my EDD; we had a shower and had purchased everything we thought we would need for DD. We have an entire nursery full of stuff that's waiting to be used. I told DH from the beginning that I don't want to buy anything else for this baby until she's here, and I've stayed firm with that. For me, the real excitement probably won't set in until I have a live baby in my arms. My advice is to go at your own pace and listen to your gut. Babies need very little, especially in the beginning, so you can always get the necessities in the coming months, and purchase everything else as needed. I completely understand your trepidation about buying stuff right now, and I can assure you that it's totally normal. Just take care of yourself and do what feels right in order to get through this pregnancy.

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  • I had an early loss with my second pregnancy. I also had a dear friend lose her full term daughter when she was 3 days old due to some health issues with the baby. I think both of these are contributing to my not feeling ready to really let myself believe this is happening. Just the other day, I had an overwhelming feeling of love for this baby girl and it terrified me and brought me to tears. 

    I'm sure I'll make myself "get over it" before she actually arrives so that things are ready for her, but I'm not sure when I'll get there. Probably after 30 weeks. My first pregnancy was so carefree by comparison.  

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  • HomcrnHomcrn
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    image RedZee:

    I'm so sorry for all that all of you have been through.

    I just wanted to tell you not to stress about not preparing for the baby. My family and community are superstitious and we don't purchase anything until after a baby is born. We went to the hospital and had nothing but a car seat and it was really, really fine. (The first week DH was taking lots of trips to Target and Buy Buy Baby.) I had a few scares with DD, but didn't go through what any of you did, and even with that it was hard to feel sure that I'd be taking DD home and this time feel like I can't take anything for granted.

    Looking forward to hearing great news from all of you in October!

    Thank you for your support and reply!  

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    image yesthisiskim0401:
    Hugs. I am so sorry for your loss. I have had early losses so I have a ton of fear during my first tri. I totally understand your feelings and do not push yourself to do something your not comfortable with just yet, like big baby purchases. You still have plenty of time to do all that. Hugs!!

    I'm sorry for your losses as well! At this rate if baby comes home..he will have a dresser drawer to sleep in..which is fine by me so long as he comes home! Thank you for the support! 

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    image norbert5:
    Just sending out big hugs. I have watched a few friends go through late losses and it is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Just do what feels comfortable. I have never had a late loss but I don't set up the nursery ahead of time. The baby sleeps in a bassinet next to me for atleast three months and that is when I set up the baby's room. I mean the paint and floors are done but the rest of the stuff still needs to be done.

    Thanks for the supportive hugs!  

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    image rsigler:
    First of all, huge [[hugs]] to you. I am so sorry for your loss. PgAL is hard. I also am envious and jealous of the innocence of other non loss moms. I wish I had that still. My situation is a little different than yours, since my loss was a few days before my EDD; we had a shower and had purchased everything we thought we would need for DD. We have an entire nursery full of stuff that's waiting to be used. I told DH from the beginning that I don't want to buy anything else for this baby until she's here, and I've stayed firm with that. For me, the real excitement probably won't set in until I have a live baby in my arms. My advice is to go at your own pace and listen to your gut. Babies need very little, especially in the beginning, so you can always get the necessities in the coming months, and purchase everything else as needed. I completely understand your trepidation about buying stuff right now, and I can assure you that it's totally normal. Just take care of yourself and do what feels right in order to get through this pregnancy.

    Im sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter 7 years ago then was told i would never have children after infertility struggles. Though i was 23 weeks we had a nursery and it was so very hard. Though your loss was later i can certainly relate to the nursery. After losing her then losing hope for a child it took a good year to pack it all away. I did keep most of everything but the big items. They still sit stowed away bacause those were Saras things and i just cant part. Thank you for your support and advice. Fingers crossed to healthy little ones in our arms to take home!  

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  • HomcrnHomcrn
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    image chuicafina:

    I had an early loss with my second pregnancy. I also had a dear friend lose her full term daughter when she was 3 days old due to some health issues with the baby. I think both of these are contributing to my not feeling ready to really let myself believe this is happening. Just the other day, I had an overwhelming feeling of love for this baby girl and it terrified me and brought me to tears. 

    I'm sure I'll make myself "get over it" before she actually arrives so that things are ready for her, but I'm not sure when I'll get there. Probably after 30 weeks. My first pregnancy was so carefree by comparison.  

    Im sorry for your loss as well as your friends. Carefree pregnancy is such a taboo word for loss mamas!! Thank you for your reply and support and hugs to you!  

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  • image Homcrn:

    image rsigler:
    First of all, huge [[hugs]] to you. I am so sorry for your loss. PgAL is hard. I also am envious and jealous of the innocence of other non loss moms. I wish I had that still.

    My situation is a little different than yours, since my loss was a few days before my EDD; we had a shower and had purchased everything we thought we would need for DD. We have an entire nursery full of stuff that's waiting to be used. I told DH from the beginning that I don't want to buy anything else for this baby until she's here, and I've stayed firm with that. For me, the real excitement probably won't set in until I have a live baby in my arms. My advice is to go at your own pace and listen to your gut. Babies need very little, especially in the beginning, so you can always get the necessities in the coming months, and purchase everything else as needed. I completely understand your trepidation about buying stuff right now, and I can assure you that it's totally normal. Just take care of yourself and do what feels right in order to get through this pregnancy.

    Im sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter 7 years ago then was told i would never have children after infertility struggles. Though i was 23 weeks we had a nursery and it was so very hard. Though your loss was later i can certainly relate to the nursery. After losing her then losing hope for a child it took a good year to pack it all away. I did keep most of everything but the big items. They still sit stowed away bacause those were Saras things and i just cant part. Thank you for your support and advice. Fingers crossed to healthy little ones in our arms to take home!  


    I'm sorry, I didn't at all mean to insinuate my loss was any more traumatic or "worse" than yours, just that we were days away from bringing her home, so we literally had an entire nursery full of unused stuff. We made the decision to pack away some of it into a chest that we will keep as only Virginia's, and the rest we will use for this baby. I know not everyone is comfortable doing that, and it's totally a personal decision [and I know for you, your struggles with IF factored into your decision]. For me, buying new stuff feels a little too much like counting the chickens before they've hatched. Plus, we had always intended to reuse the bigger items anyway.

    I'm so sorry for your loss of little Sara. Thoughts and prayers to you for a quiet, uneventful pregnancy. And fx that we all have healthy, live babies in our arms in a few months.

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  • HomcrnHomcrn
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    image rsigler:
    image Homcrn:

    image rsigler:
    First of all, huge [[hugs]] to you. I am so sorry for your loss. PgAL is hard. I also am envious and jealous of the innocence of other non loss moms. I wish I had that still. My situation is a little different than yours, since my loss was a few days before my EDD; we had a shower and had purchased everything we thought we would need for DD. We have an entire nursery full of stuff that's waiting to be used. I told DH from the beginning that I don't want to buy anything else for this baby until she's here, and I've stayed firm with that. For me, the real excitement probably won't set in until I have a live baby in my arms. My advice is to go at your own pace and listen to your gut. Babies need very little, especially in the beginning, so you can always get the necessities in the coming months, and purchase everything else as needed. I completely understand your trepidation about buying stuff right now, and I can assure you that it's totally normal. Just take care of yourself and do what feels right in order to get through this pregnancy.

    Im sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter 7 years ago then was told i would never have children after infertility struggles. Though i was 23 weeks we had a nursery and it was so very hard. Though your loss was later i can certainly relate to the nursery. After losing her then losing hope for a child it took a good year to pack it all away. I did keep most of everything but the big items. They still sit stowed away bacause those were Saras things and i just cant part. Thank you for your support and advice. Fingers crossed to healthy little ones in our arms to take home!  

    I'm sorry, I didn't at all mean to insinuate my loss was any more traumatic or "worse" than yours, just that we were days away from bringing her home, so we literally had an entire nursery full of unused stuff. We made the decision to pack away some of it into a chest that we will keep as only Virginia's, and the rest we will use for this baby. I know not everyone is comfortable doing that, and it's totally a personal decision [and I know for you, your struggles with IF factored into your decision]. For me, buying new stuff feels a little too much like counting the chickens before they've hatched. Plus, we had always intended to reuse the bigger items anyway. I'm so sorry for your loss of little Sara. Thoughts and prayers to you for a quiet, uneventful pregnancy. And fx that we all have healthy, live babies in our arms in a few months.

    i never thought you insinuated that at all and if my wording came across as me thinking so im sorry! Iviewed your post as very supportive and sharing your story and i appriciate that! If this LO was a girl I would use some of the stuff! For me there would be some comfort in that. But alas it is a boy and i dont think he would appriciate wearing pink dresses and bows!  

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