March 2013 Moms

Feeling couped up and resentful (long)

DH and I moved back to Ontario from New Brunswick after having been gone for 6 years (me 6, him 2). The friends that I had here I am no longer friends with, and the ones that I cared to stay in touch with no longer live in the province ironically enough. DH on the other hand has managed to reconnect with most of his friends and sees them on a regular basis. This doesn't bother me in the slightest as I encourage him to go out. Anyways, one of my friends came to visit from Alberta and I made arrangements so that I could spend the night with him (DD is EBF, but I pump to have a supply). DH makes plans so that his buddies can come over and have a video game night. I tell him that he promised I could have the night off and that I don't want to get a call saying I have to come back seeing as I haven't seen my friend in well over a year. He says he knows, and that I should go and have a good night. My friend and I leave and are just making it to the coffee house when I get a call. It's DH and apparently DD is inconsolable and I need to come home. It has been all of 20 minutes and at this point DD is about 2 months old. I tell him I am not coming home and that he can handle her, he says he'll try and I hang up. We order coffee and just get a table when my cell rings again. I can hear DD screaming in the background, his buddies playing their game, and DH telling me to come home. My friend says it's fine, and after seeing him for only 30 minutes I have to leave. I am devastated and upset. That was the first time I got to go out since DD was born and I just feel DH ruined it. I let it go.

Anyways DH makes arrangements to go out with his friends every Friday night and I stay home with DD alone. This doesn't bother me so much, but I do feel resentful seeing as I don't bother him when he goes out, but the one time I go out I get called back. I also am feeling incredibly lonely seeing as I can't seem to make friends. I have tried to join a baby wearing/breastfeeding group to meet like minded moms, but they meet on Fridays and DH doesn't think it will work transportation wise... so I don't get to go (public transit is awful here and it would take more than an hour to get there). I looked into doing baby swimming classes, but this time it doesn't work because DH doesn't want to spend the money on the classes as we are trying to save for a house (we rent at the moment). The only people I get to see are my parents and my in-laws. I then make arrangements to have extended family hikes on Sundays. This works for all of 3 weeks and now DH doesn't want to go... but he doesn't want to look after DD on his own, and he wants to sleep in, so I have to take her with me. This doesn't always work as some of the hikes are quite strenuous and there are a lot of biting bugs and it can be really hot... I don't want to expose DD to this just yet so I stay home...

I just feel so lonely now, and last night when DH went out with his friends for his birthday... I felt so left behind. I made dinner, and baked a cake... but right after dinner he tells me he's going out. He leaves at 7pm and didn't come home until after 2am. He didn't even stay to open his gift. I didn't even know he made plans to go out. He wakes up this morning and tried to tell me how much fun he had and that it was great hanging out with so-and-so and seeing so-and-so, and I just didn't want to look at him because I am so upset. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening.

Re: Feeling couped up and resentful (long)

  • mal922mal922
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    My DH and I are very independent in terms of appreciating me time and separate time with our friends, but I can understand your frustration that it doesn't seem to go both ways. I assume that your husband's activities cost money, so I'd be particularly irritated to hear that there's a budget for his regular outings, but not for baby swim class. It sounds like he's being a little selfish, but some men can be kind of clueless. Have you talked to him about needing some notice before he goes out with friends and needing him to recognize that it's important for you to get out of the house too?
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  • image mal922:
    My DH and I are very independent in terms of appreciating me time and separate time with our friends, but I can understand your frustration that it doesn't seem to go both ways. I assume that your husband's activities cost money, so I'd be particularly irritated to hear that there's a budget for his regular outings, but not for baby swim class. It sounds like he's being a little selfish, but some men can be kind of clueless. Have you talked to him about needing some notice before he goes out with friends and needing him to recognize that it's important for you to get out of the house too?

    He knows I feel lonely and I've explained that I need opportunities to make friends... but it's in one ear and out the other it seems. I've told him on several occasions that I don't have friends here (quite literally no one... not one person here that isn't family), that the only person I see is DD all day and then DH when he gets home from work. I don't get personal/just me time because when he gets home from work he wants to relax. In NB we both had our own social lives, so to go from having people who I saw several times a week to nothing is depressing. He keeps saying I'll make friends, but I tell him it's hard to meet anyone when I don't get to leave the house. I call and talk to my friends from NB often, but it's not the same. I don't mind his Friday outings because I understand that everyone needs to have their own social lives, but I find myself getting jealous and sad because he CAN go out with friends. I'm not saying I couldn't go out, but I have no one to go out with. As far as going out without notice, last night was the first for that... it was just really upsetting seeing as it was his birthday and I didn't know he was going until his friends showed up at the door to pick him up. It's just so hard.

  • Could your parents or in laws help you with the baby? Maybe watch her for an hour or 2 so you can get out of the house and do something for yourself. Not sure what it's like in Canada, but here there are lots of mom groups through churches. Just a thought :

    And as far as him going out every Friday without you, that crap would not fly with me. Yes he wants to see his friends, but I think maybe once a month would be enough. He is a father now and you and his baby should be the priority, not being with his buddies.
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  • i don't really have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that i know what you're going through.  hubby and i moved out to the greater philadelphia area a little over a year ago, and i haven't made one friend.  i am in the house all day with baby girl, and see my hubbs in the evenings and weekends.  baby girl and i get out for walks daily, but i miss adult human communication.  we go back to our home town about once a month to visit with people, but the other 28 days of the month, i'm rather lonely.  i've also tried to join meet-up groups and be friendly with the people in my neighborhood, but nothing seemed to work out. so, for what it's worth, you're not alone in this struggle for friendship. 
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  • I don't understand why you guys could not do things as a couple. I didn't know a ton of people in the city we are in (as everyone moved away after college), but I got to know his friends wives. We would have them over or we would all go out together. I don't know if any of them have kids, but brining a baby is not a big deal or getting family to watch her for a couple of hours. It would probably be good for you guys to go on a date night. How old is he? My husband would never want to stay out until 2am (even if I gave him a hall pass!). I know he must be excited about moving to a town where all his friends are, but you need to talk to him about explain how you feel. This is not normal. I would also check his text messages and email just to make sure something else wasn't going on as well.

  • I am surprised that you aren't more upset at your DH, I think you are being a bit too accommodating for him. It sounds like he really has not stepped up as a Dad and is relying on you to pretty much take care of LO on your own. I would be incredibly angry that he invited a bunch of friends over to play video games and made you come home on the one night you did get to go out. It sounds like he really needs to learn how to manage your LO on his own once in a while! You should really have a talk with him about that. And he also should help out when he gets home from work. . . parenting is a full-time job (including nights and weekends) for BOTH parents.

    It sounds like you don't have your own transportation, right? So are there any parks or shops nearby that you can walk to? I don't know how friendly you are, but you could try striking up a conversation with women your age at those places. Or could you and your husband go other places together where there might be couples your age? Do any of your husbands friends have SO that you could get to know by inviting them over? Even if they don't, why don't you get your parents or IL to watch LO so that you can go out with your DH and his friends (they could be your friends too you know!) I don't know if meetup.com includes Canada, but maybe try finding people to do activities with through a website like that.

    I am sorry, I know how hard it can be to make friends in a new place, especially if you aren't working and don't have transportation. Please have a serious talk with your DH about changing something!

    ETA Sorry my siggy pic is so huge, I am trying to figure out how to make it smaller.

     

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  • I agree with pp. you seem to be way too accommodating, there is no way any of that would fly in my house. If he needs time to himself that's fine but just going off of this post it seems like most of his time outside of work is spent doing things for himself or with friends.

    Make plans, go out, stick to it. Don't come home if he calls, the only way he'll ever figure out how to handle your dd on his own is if he doesn't have you to bail him out.

  • You're definitely too accommodating and you say it doesn't bother you that DH goes out as much as he does, but I think it does bother you.

    Your DH should have have called you the only one time you went out and should have tried harder to handle DD on his own. I'm sure it didn't help that he was distracted with his friends and video games. Sounds like he has some growing up to do and needs to take parenting more seriously. And you need to expect him to.


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