Babies: 3 - 6 Months

Is/Was LO fussier with DH than you?

We go through moments in our house where I have to listen to LO scream and cry while DH works on consoling him. I don't know what the issue is as sometimes they are completely comfortable with each other and LO is laughing and playing with DH. But then there are moments when LO is extremely fussy with DH and the minute he gives him to me, LO is fine.

We have been trying to let them work things out and I will try to do something else in house so they can bond and I can try to drown out the cries. I will tell you that it is very hard to do because these are not just your regular cries. These cries are like screams and breath stopping cries.

Sometimes I can see DH's discomfort with trying to figure things out but he's adamant about letting them work it out. The problem with that is I think the discomfort and awkwardness that DH feels is exuded in his body language and energy(for the lack of a better word) and LO is aware of it which makes him uncomfortable.

I know that LO is really used to me because I am a SAHM so we spend a lot of time together. During his waking hours I engage and play with him a lot. When he's fussy, I talk to him, rock him or whatever I need to do to try and calm him down.

I've read articles about daddy-baby bonding and most of them discourage mothers from trying to get daddy to do things the way we do but I'm a firm believer in doing what works. If it means DH needs to do the same thing I do to calm LO down then do it.

I know DH is trying, but he tries HIS way and when I try to inform him on what might be a better way he thinks I'm trying to tell him to do it MY way. But what I want him to understand is I do it LO's way and that is why I can calm him. I hate to say it but I think DH is jealous that LO is less fussy with me and that jealousy creates an energy that LO can sense. 

For example as DH is rocking him and trying to feed him...he's softly saying "it's ok buddy...daddy's here. someone other than mommy can feed you". It's freaking annoying and I've been sitting here for 30 minutes listening to LO scream off and on while DH tries to do things HIS way.

I'll consider any advice at the moment that doesn't recommend my leaving the house while they work it out. I will not do that as long as DH is trying to calm him down out of jealousy.

OK this turned into somewhat of a vent. 

Re: Is/Was LO fussier with DH than you?

  • Oh I can feel your pain. My DD completely hated DH for months.  I was home the most and DD was unable to take a bottle so she was way more attached to me and like you my DH was very upset about it.  He did not want to listen to me either and it was extremely hard to listen to her cry with him and he was super quick to pass her off to me. 

    I think you should leave the house.  It took me leaving for things to get better.  For one, my DD knew I was available and she so preferred me that she would cry way more if I was around.  Second, your husband will then be forced to try and soothe her by himself.  For my DH he quickly learned that some things I told him DID work for him (and since i was not there I think it was not as much of a hit to his ego to admit I was right) and third he also learned some things that worked for just him and her. 

    It will get better.  It made me literally ill to leave her for quite a while with him but I had to keep telling myself that they deserved to get to know each other.  I hope this helps :)

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  • image spainy17:

    Oh I can feel your pain. My DD completely hated DH for months.  I was home the most and DD was unable to take a bottle so she was way more attached to me and like you my DH was very upset about it.  He did not want to listen to me either and it was extremely hard to listen to her cry with him and he was super quick to pass her off to me. 

    I think you should leave the house.  It took me leaving for things to get better.  For one, my DD knew I was available and she so preferred me that she would cry way more if I was around.  Second, your husband will then be forced to try and soothe her by himself.  For my DH he quickly learned that some things I told him DID work for him (and since i was not there I think it was not as much of a hit to his ego to admit I was right) and third he also learned some things that worked for just him and her. 

    It will get better.  It made me literally ill to leave her for quite a while with him but I had to keep telling myself that they deserved to get to know each other.  I hope this helps :)

    At first I didn't want to leave the house because I was uncomfortable with it, but I ended up leaving anyway because we almost got into an argument about the whole issue. So I ended up running an errand. I just got back and when I walked in the door I LO was soundly sleeping in DH's arms. I hope things get better but it's rough when DH takes offense and starts to close his mind to my ideas simply because they're my ideas. 

  • Oh that is awesome.  I was the same way and there was a lot of struggle but DH and DD are starting to get it now.  It completely sucked but it has to be done.  My DH was so defensive about it too and now he tells other people the way she likes held, etc.  So it will get better.  Me going back to work and being forced to be out of the house helped so if you are a SAHM I would save errands for when he is home and use it to make them have that time to figure it out.  It is so frustrating. Glad she slept for him :)
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  • The same thing is happening with our LO. She will be 4 months in a week, and I have been on maternity leave. I EBF her, so I'm the one taking care of her a majority of the time. Recently, we started trying to get her to take a bottle...impossible. And my fiance definitely gets frustrated sometimes when he's trying so hard to calm her down, then when he hands her to me she's perfectly fine. I go back to work in 2 weeks though, and my fiance is going to be a SAHD, so we'll see how it goes. I think DD just needs to spend more time with him and learn that he's ok to care for her too. I'm just trying to be patient because I know it's just going to take some time.
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  • Calm your tits. Let your DH be a freaking dad. Let him figure things out for himself, he isn't a child. If you can't handle it then leave. You sound so bitter and angry over your DH trying to help with the baby. Some mothers would kill for that kind of help. If you won't leave the house then get some ear plugs or sound canceling headphones.
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  • image Nana_Osaki06:
    Calm your tits. Let your DH be a freaking dad. Let him figure things out for himself, he isn't a child. If you can't handle it then leave. You sound so bitter and angry over your DH trying to help with the baby. Some mothers would kill for that kind of help. If you won't leave the house then get some ear plugs or sound canceling headphones.

    YOU calm your effing tits!

    However you read my post, you read me the wrong way. I love that he is trying to help as it will make it much easier on me in the future. And I want father and son to have a strong bond. I'd like to leave the house knowing that all is well with DH and LO but not while DH is highly frustrated. And the reason for the vent is that it's actually DH who is bitter, angry, and frustrated with the situation and LO senses it when he is held by him which makes it worse. I'm not angry or bitter. Discouraged at the moment because of the situation? Yes! That's why I posted here....with hopes that other people could share their experiences and let me know how it's working or how it all worked out.

    And if my post ended up turning into a vent. So effing what?!! That's allowed on this forum as well.

      

     

  • Yes, it's the same way at my house.  DH has a harder time calmer her than I.  I think it's normal at this age.  Mom's are usually calmer, gentler, know how to move.  Plus, we have boobs.  Babies like boobs. lol
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  • image tashadee75:

    image Nana_Osaki06:
    Calm your tits. Let your DH be a freaking dad. Let him figure things out for himself, he isn't a child. If you can't handle it then leave. You sound so bitter and angry over your DH trying to help with the baby. Some mothers would kill for that kind of help. If you won't leave the house then get some ear plugs or sound canceling headphones.

    YOU calm your effing tits!

    However you read my post, you read me the wrong way. I love that he is trying to help as it will make it much easier on me in the future. And I want father and son to have a strong bond. I'd like to leave the house knowing that all is well with DH and LO but not while DH is highly frustrated. And the reason for the vent is that it's actually DH who is bitter, angry, and frustrated with the situation and LO senses it when he is held by him which makes it worse. I'm not angry or bitter. Discouraged at the moment because of the situation? Yes! That's why I posted here....with hopes that other people could share their experiences and let me know how it's working or how it all worked out.

    And if my post ended up turning into a vent. So effing what?!! That's allowed on this forum as well.

      

     


    Sorry, you sound bratty. Just pointing out that you need to calm your tits.
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  • We have similar issues, and DH has really had to work on taking note of his energy.  He has anxiety and a crying baby sends him over the edge, which I have had to tell him in the moment only makes the situation worse (I wait until a calm time to tell him this though... in the moment he is not a very good listener...).  He is getting better, at least now he understands that babies really do play off your energy - obviously that's not a magic solution, but it's the first step for him, so he can calmly soothe her, and think about what she might need rather than just freaking out.

    And for what it's worth, DD will fuss with DH regardless of whether or not I'm home.   

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  • image tashadee75:

    image Nana_Osaki06:
    Calm your tits. Let your DH be a freaking dad. Let him figure things out for himself, he isn't a child. If you can't handle it then leave. You sound so bitter and angry over your DH trying to help with the baby. Some mothers would kill for that kind of help. If you won't leave the house then get some ear plugs or sound canceling headphones.

    YOU calm your effing tits!

    However you read my post, you read me the wrong way. I love that he is trying to help as it will make it much easier on me in the future. And I want father and son to have a strong bond. I'd like to leave the house knowing that all is well with DH and LO but not while DH is highly frustrated. And the reason for the vent is that it's actually DH who is bitter, angry, and frustrated with the situation and LO senses it when he is held by him which makes it worse. I'm not angry or bitter. Discouraged at the moment because of the situation? Yes! That's why I posted here....with hopes that other people could share their experiences and let me know how it's working or how it all worked out.

    And if my post ended up turning into a vent. So effing what?!! That's allowed on this forum as well.

      

     

    You didn't sound ungrateful at all.  At the very least, her reply could have been less b*tchy.  She is probably just pissed that her own DH doesn't help at all.  Thank you for telling her off..........she deserved it :-)

  • image Nana_Osaki06:
    image tashadee75:

    image Nana_Osaki06:
    Calm your tits. Let your DH be a freaking dad. Let him figure things out for himself, he isn't a child. If you can't handle it then leave. You sound so bitter and angry over your DH trying to help with the baby. Some mothers would kill for that kind of help. If you won't leave the house then get some ear plugs or sound canceling headphones.

    YOU calm your effing tits!

    However you read my post, you read me the wrong way. I love that he is trying to help as it will make it much easier on me in the future. And I want father and son to have a strong bond. I'd like to leave the house knowing that all is well with DH and LO but not while DH is highly frustrated. And the reason for the vent is that it's actually DH who is bitter, angry, and frustrated with the situation and LO senses it when he is held by him which makes it worse. I'm not angry or bitter. Discouraged at the moment because of the situation? Yes! That's why I posted here....with hopes that other people could share their experiences and let me know how it's working or how it all worked out.

    And if my post ended up turning into a vent. So effing what?!! That's allowed on this forum as well.

      

     

    Sorry, you sound bratty. Just pointing out that you need to calm your tits.

    If the point of your post was to tell me to calm down, your delivery was $hitty. The actual point that you made may have had some validity but I couldn't see past the bytchiness. And if that's the best that you can do as far as your delivery then don't respond. 

    Like I previously said, I am looking for people with similar experiences and helpful information. That is why I created this thread.  Unfortunately, I'm finding more and more people who simply just want to add their condescending "two cents" instead of offering help and advice. You clearly are one of them.

  • image MrsG071809:

    We have similar issues, and DH has really had to work on taking note of his energy.  He has anxiety and a crying baby sends him over the edge, which I have had to tell him in the moment only makes the situation worse (I wait until a calm time to tell him this though... in the moment he is not a very good listener...).  He is getting better, at least now he understands that babies really do play off your energy - obviously that's not a magic solution, but it's the first step for him, so he can calmly soothe her, and think about what she might need rather than just freaking out.

    And for what it's worth, DD will fuss with DH regardless of whether or not I'm home.   

    OMG, this sounds exactly like my experience. I've tried to make that point about his energy but you're right.... it is not well received in the moment no matter how you try to communicate it.

    So when your DH and LO are actually "in the moment" what do you do to not interfere so that they can work it out? I'm a FTM and I haven't quite figured out the art of being able to hear LO scream and cry without trying to settle him down. LO is 3.5 months and he recently started acting like this with DH in the last couple weeks. 

  • =Lee=B=Lee=B
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    My husband is very, very hands on with our daughter but at times she is more fussy with him than me.  It's completely normal since I am her primary caregiver and spend the most time with her and therefore have learned to read her cues and respond in a way she expects.

    But, babies are very good at learning to distinguish caregivers and have different expectations for mom and dad.  My husband see's how I calm her and care for her.  I've gently hinted at tips but otherwise have stepped back and let him do his thing.

    I can't imagine how hard it is to be a parent and to not be able to calm and care for your child as easily as your spouse.  Not to mention men just don't care to be told they are wrong so having us 'tell' them how to best do it just backfires.  They will ask or watch if they truly want to do it our way.

    A few weeks back I put our daughter down for the night then ran to the pharmacy.  When I came home I found my husband sitting in the family room beside the baby asleep in the swing.  She never sleeps in her swing, it makes her wide awake.  She apparently woke as I was leaving and cried strongly for 40 out of the 45 minutes I was gone.  He gave a long list of things he tried to do to calm her (a mix of my ways and new ways) and finally resorted to putting her in the swing facing her comfort item (a floor lamp).  She fell asleep instantly. 

    He was successful in getting her to sleep.  He was somewhat upset that she loves the lamp more than him but he was successful.  It certainly wasn't how I would have handled it but it worked and all was well when I returned.

    There have been many times when she's freaked out with him for no real reason. I've left him on his own a bit but when it is clearly not improving I've just gone in and said it was past feed time and she's hungry. She isn't hungry but it saves his ego. I feed and calm her then return her to him so he can have her happy again.

    As they get older dads are better able to read them and to connect so they can calm them faster. While this young I feel the more happy time they have together the better off everyone is long term.

     

     

     

  • image tashadee75:
    image MrsG071809:

    We have similar issues, and DH has really had to work on taking note of his energy.  He has anxiety and a crying baby sends him over the edge, which I have had to tell him in the moment only makes the situation worse (I wait until a calm time to tell him this though... in the moment he is not a very good listener...).  He is getting better, at least now he understands that babies really do play off your energy - obviously that's not a magic solution, but it's the first step for him, so he can calmly soothe her, and think about what she might need rather than just freaking out.

    And for what it's worth, DD will fuss with DH regardless of whether or not I'm home.   

    OMG, this sounds exactly like my experience. I've tried to make that point about his energy but you're right.... it is not well received in the moment no matter how you try to communicate it.

    So when your DH and LO are actually "in the moment" what do you do to not interfere so that they can work it out? I'm a FTM and I haven't quite figured out the art of being able to hear LO scream and cry without trying to settle him down. LO is 3.5 months and he recently started acting like this with DH in the last couple weeks. 

     Usually I go in the other room and take deep breaths. :)  I completely agree it is so hard to not want to just grab her.  I usually try to leave him be, just popping in every now and then and very gently ask "is there anything I can do?".  Sometimes he just wants to be left with her to work it out, sometimes he wants my suggestions, sometimes he just wants to hand her off to me.  Like I said though he has definitely gotten much better with it lately, taking my suggestions, and just in general being more successful with calming her. Just this weekend, I went over to a friends house and about 30 min after I got there he called and I could hear her crying in the background - my heart sank.  He (surprisingly calmly) said that she had been crying for 10 minutes, he had tried everything he could think of, and asked for suggestions.  The one thing he hadn't thought of was swaddling her, and apparently that did the trick.  He texted a few minutes later and it just said "Asleep!!!!".   I feel like that was a win!

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  • image =Lee=B:

    My husband is very, very hands on with our daughter but at times she is more fussy with him than me.  It's completely normal since I am her primary caregiver and spend the most time with her and therefore have learned to read her cues and respond in a way she expects.

    But, babies are very good at learning to distinguish caregivers and have different expectations for mom and dad.  My husband see's how I calm her and care for her.  I've gently hinted at tips but otherwise have stepped back and let him do his thing.

    I can't imagine how hard it is to be a parent and to not be able to calm and care for your child as easily as your spouse.  Not to mention men just don't care to be told they are wrong so having us 'tell' them how to best do it just backfires.  They will ask or watch if they truly want to do it our way.

    A few weeks back I put our daughter down for the night then ran to the pharmacy.  When I came home I found my husband sitting in the family room beside the baby asleep in the swing.  She never sleeps in her swing, it makes her wide awake.  She apparently woke as I was leaving and cried strongly for 40 out of the 45 minutes I was gone.  He gave a long list of things he tried to do to calm her (a mix of my ways and new ways) and finally resorted to putting her in the swing facing her comfort item (a floor lamp).  She fell asleep instantly. 

    He was successful in getting her to sleep.  He was somewhat upset that she loves the lamp more than him but he was successful.  It certainly wasn't how I would have handled it but it worked and all was well when I returned.

    There have been many times when she's freaked out with him for no real reason. I've left him on his own a bit but when it is clearly not improving I've just gone in and said it was past feed time and she's hungry. She isn't hungry but it saves his ego. I feed and calm her then return her to him so he can have her happy again.

    As they get older dads are better able to read them and to connect so they can calm them faster. While this young I feel the more happy time they have together the better off everyone is long term.

     

     

    Thank you! It's good to know that it gets better. I do feel bad for DH when he can't calm him down. It's like I want to help them both, but I'm slowing trying learn to be more hands off when they are working things out. Yesterday was pretty rough though for all of us. Today is much better. 

  • Oh yes- I'm such a control freak on top of everything else that I would give DH 'tips' on what would help with DD so he got really pissed all the time. Now with DS, the second he starts getting fussy he just says "I think it's time for mommy" and plays hot potato. It will take time, and sometimes you just have to leave the room and try not to listen.
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