Baby Names

Tricky situation

So my DH finally suggested a name that we both love: Melissa.  We love that it actually goes decently with our last name (quite a feat), pairs well with our DD's name, and we think the meaning is adorable (that's important to us).  The only issue is that it was the name my mom had chosen for one of her babies that was stillborn at 34 weeks.  I can see this going both ways...either my mom would see it as an honor to her baby's memory, or something negative.  I obviously plan on asking her how she feels about it, but I'd like to know what your thoughts are.  How would you feel in my mom's position, and what would you do in mine?

Re: Tricky situation

  • I personally would not consider it
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  • MrsCFBMrsCFB
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    i don't know what i would do in your mom's situation, but i agree with you that you should run the name by your mom first.

    sorry to hear about your mom's loss.

  • I'd just run it by your mom to see what her thoughts are and go from there, because my personal decision in such a situation would depend entirely on that. I can see how it could be a big NO to name your child after your mom's lost child, but I also have a friend whose older sister died at birth, and my friend's mother felt honored when she and her husband gave their daughter a MN after the deceased sister (although there could be a big difference between giving your LO the FN Melissa vs. the MN Melissa).

    Good luck with whatever you decide! 

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  • We lost a baby girl at 24 weeks and her name is sacred to us. I would not be okay with anyone who knew about her wanting to use her name. I just consider angel babies names to be precious and off limits and we've stuck to that in trying to name our boy due in August. We met many loss moms thru a support group heard many cute boy names but wouldn't consider them out of respect for the moms
    That may be completely different as it is your mom tho. I think it's good to ask her feelings on it first. Maybe she would feel honored by it. I hope it works out for you as I know how hard it is to find a name you both love!! We are still struggling to find THE name. Hth
  • Being someone who's suffered a loss I would feel slightly hurt by this. I would ask your mom to be sure, but I wouldn't consider this name ultimately.
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  • It would depend on your mom.

    If I were your mom, I'd be so happy that you chose to honor your sister in that way.

    All you can do is ask. It sounds like she's pretty open about things, so you can have an honest conversation about it.

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  • If I were your mother, and had had X amount of years to deal with the grief of losing a child, to me it would be an honor. I think I would be happy that the babies name would still live on through family. Definitely talk to her before you make a decision.

  • Yeah, I have run the name by her before and she said how much she loves it.  I guess it's just time that I seriously present to her that this name is a final contender, but that I'll honor her wishes either way.
  • I think I would talk to my mom first.  Then, go from there.

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  • image Dr.Loretta:

    It would depend on your mom.

    If I were your mom, I'd be so happy that you chose to honor your sister in that way.

    All you can do is ask. It sounds like she's pretty open about things, so you can have an honest conversation about it.

    I agree with this.

  • I definitely think it depends on how your mom feels. My uncle had a stillborn baby girl and had picked the name Samantha. .. Then when I was born, the name was on the top of their list. They asked my uncle (mom's brother) about it and he was OK with them using the name. But they would have totally understood if he was not OK with it.

    I agree with PP - talk to your mom, then go from there.

     

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  • image katielou711:
    If I were your mother, and had had X amount of years to deal with the grief of losing a child, to me it would be an honor. I think I would be happy that the babies name would still live on through family. Definitely talk to her before you make a decision.

    Excuse me? You don't just get over losing a child "in X amount of years". You live with that daily. It's not easy, even more so if it's a late loss or still born. That is just highly insensitive.

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  • My great-grandparents had twelve children and lost five of them in infancy.  They re-used several names of children they lost for subsequent children of the same sex.  This has always seemed odd to me, but I doubt they mourned their lost babies less than other parents who would not consider using the same name again.  To me this shows that the way people deal with grief (and to me "deal with" means something other than than "get over," although I suppose not everyone agrees) is highly individual.  I can't even imagine myself in the position of having lost a child, but even if I had, I could probably only speak to my own feelings, and even those might be quite conflicted.
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  • Personally I couldn't even consider the name for a first name. MN maybe, but I would run it by my mom first.
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  • Definitely talk to your mom about it. To me it's totally up to her.   I do know someone who named her child after her stillborn sibling, and her mom was fine with it.  So, it does happen.
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    My mom and I have a lot of issues and she criticizes me about many things, but this is actually something she would be okay with. She had two boys in between each of us girls and the boys were stillborn. I thought for years that if I had a son, I would use the names of my brothers. Unfortunately, by the time I did have a son, one name was ruined by someone I knew with the same name, so I didn't use it. 

    I know she still mourns those losses (she's told me that since I have two boys, it makes it easier because it's almost like having her boys back), but she would have loved her grandson having one or both names. Talk to your mom and respect her wishes on whatever she chooses.  

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  • I wouldn't ask unless you were sure. But I would be careful in your wording maybe even say "We love the name would like to honor your sister/her daughter." I think there are ways you could say it that could be hurtful, like you just like it you're asking permission. If you go about it the right way, it could be a great way to help her continue to heal. Good luck.
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  • I can't put myself in your Mom's position because I've never experienced that.  I think all you can do is ask her how she feels about it.  If she says no, do you like Marissa, Megan, Mackenzie, Mena, Mila?

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  • image Nana_Osaki06:

    image katielou711:
    If I were your mother, and had had X amount of years to deal with the grief of losing a child, to me it would be an honor. I think I would be happy that the babies name would still live on through family. Definitely talk to her before you make a decision.

    Excuse me? You don't just get over losing a child "in X amount of years". You live with that daily. It's not easy, even more so if it's a late loss or still born. That is just highly insensitive.

    I don't think she meant it that way. 

  • image Meery82:
    image Nana_Osaki06:

    image katielou711:
    If I were your mother, and had had X amount of years to deal with the grief of losing a child, to me it would be an honor. I think I would be happy that the babies name would still live on through family. Definitely talk to her before you make a decision.

    Excuse me? You don't just get over losing a child "in X amount of years". You live with that daily. It's not easy, even more so if it's a late loss or still born. That is just highly insensitive.

    I don't think she meant it that way.&nbsp;



    I don't think she did either... I think it was more like, they aren't considering giving the baby the same name a week or even a few years later. It really depends on op's mom, though.
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