February 2013 Moms

S/O Sexual abuse

***Sorry if this is triggering***

I am always surprised and disheartened by the sheer number of women who say they have been sexually abused on TB and other forums. I think it's far more widespread than anyone wants to admit, and the reason it may not seem that way statistically is because it often goes unreported. I know it has in my case. 

Here's a heavy question: Do any of the sexual abuse survivors here find your past experiences and traumas affecting the way you raise your LO? I know some mothers can't breastfeed because of it, but I'm wondering if your approach to other aspects of parenting is shaped by past trauma and abuse.  

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Re: S/O Sexual abuse

  • My daughters bio donor attacked me physically and sexually. It tooka long time for me to get past it, more because we had been in a relationship for 5 months and i never saw the warning signs until it was too late. Basically, without too much detail, he isolated me from everyone and everything and some how i let it happen without protest. I think my experience has made me more cautious, but thankfully, dh has had a hugely positive in my life. He has helped me heal and grow past my experience, and realize that what happened to me was NOT my fault. I can honestly say that it is something in my past, and it doesn't hurt me anymore. I also have stopped letting people continue to hold my mistake over my head! DH helped me become strong... Mobile smiley
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  • I basically lost my virginity to being raped when I was 18. I don't think it affects the way I'm raising my daughter (other than making sure she's extra cautious at parties when she's older!), but it definitely affects my intimate relationships. Thankfully my fiance is understanding.
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  • I think it will just make me more vigilant as a parent, especially since I have a daughter. Also, I would never leave my daughter alone with the person who abused me, which could possibly happen since it was my uncle. We rarely ever see him though, so I don't really think I'll have to worry about that.
    PCOS with long, irregular cycles
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  • It really is sad just how widespread sexual abuse is. It makes me worried for my son and any future children.

    I was molested by my grandfather as a child. Unfortunately it does affect me a little bit. In the sense that I am aware when I am washing or changing my son that there are sick people out there who view babies and children in a sexual way. He is so perfectly innocent right now. I just hope I can protect him better than my parents did for me.

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  • I never was, but DH was. I agree with Kleigh, it does in the fact that DS will never, ever be alone with the person who did it to DH, who we also rarely see, but nonetheless. What is very scary is that a majority of the time, the perpetrator is well known to the victim. So while you try your best to teach your kids "stranger danger," it's so sad and frightening to think that the real threat is closer than we might think.
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  • kitevkitev
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    Mine was in the work place and I'm so embarrassed about it that it's hard to even admit over the internet that it happened. I haven't even told my husband what happened. I was about 19 in a male dominated industry and I don't think I realized what was going on or what to do about it. Looking back now, I could slap myself for letting things get so out of control and not reporting the ahole who was doing it.

    Unfortunately it's never far from conscious thought, but it definitely brings out the mama bear in me. I'm not going to be quiet about things like that as my daughter gets older because I want her to know that it's not ok, and if something was too happen, she can't keep it bottled up because she's embarrassed. My mom never talked to me about stuff like that and I honestly thought it was "normal". If you're going to work with men, then you have to expect it to a certain level and if you have a problem with it, then find a new job.
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  • I hope you don't mind me chiming in.  My mom was sexual abused for 12 years by her step father.  I see how big of an impact this bad on my childhood, and I think it still makes me Leary about men, especially when it involves my dd.   I will never leave her alone with any of my uncles,for similar reasons.
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers m/c Harrison 2/6/12 @ 14weeks
  • In a way, having a child has been healing for me. I can provide for her the normal childhood I never got to have. And I'm not talking about just sexual abuse I've suffered but also the other physical abuse and mental and emotional. She has two loving, normal (though the family I came from is anything but) parents who honestly care about her and are capable of teaching and protecting her.

    Both of my parents wanted to protect me from the outside world but couldn't even protect themselves and I ended up needing to protect myself from them!

    I've had a lot of time to grow up and to heal before becoming a parent and when I found out I was pregnant I made it my mission to center myself before DD was born. I feel like a new person so my experiences (unreported) have definitely affected my pregnancy and even my birthing experience. Only time will tell how the abuse I suffered affects the way I parent, but I know that I want DD to feel empowered

    It took me a long time to feel empowered and even now I sometimes have to remind myself that feeling victimized is not how I am supposed to feel.

    However I need to parent in order to cultivate confidence, strength, bravery and intelligence as well as honesty and humility in my daughter that's what I'll do.

    Ug. After writing all that I want to go back to therapy right away! Embarrassed I guess
    I feel like it affects my parenting by driving me to heal myself and be a better person. The best way to lead and teach is by example after all.

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  • absolustely. Thankfully mine was a one-time thing, but it was when I was four, by the babysitter. 

    It made it really really hard for me to leave my kids with anyone other than family.

    People joke about good touch/bad touch, but it's really important to talk to your kids about it. I wasn't sure what happened, and only really remembered it when I was 16. I panicked because I didn't know if I had ever told my parents about it, but I didn't want them to worry...

    After skirting around the issue for ages I finally talked to my mom about it. We did file a police report, but they didn't press charges because they didn't want to put me through that. She had been told not to mention it unless I brought it up because I might not remember...

     



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  • If nothing else it will drive me to make sure that my son treats people, not just women, with respect. The only thing I have noticed currently is that, especially since I'm doing this alone, I'm extremely anxious about who he's left with. Even for short periods of time. It's not rational, but if he had been a girl, I imagine that anxiety would be a lot worse.
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  • image PnkDingo:
    If nothing else it will drive me to make sure that my son treats people, not just women, with respect. The only thing I have noticed currently is that, especially since I'm doing this alone, I'm extremely anxious about who he's left with. Even for short periods of time. It's not rational, but if he had been a girl, I imagine that anxiety would be a lot worse.

    See, this is me exactly. Vervo said something similar, and I can totally relate. I don't trust ANYONE. I have more anxiety about daycare than I can even begin to describe... 

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  • I wasn't sexually abused when I was little, but rather when I was a teenager and by other teenagers (teenagers suck, btw)... So I will try to be as honest with my daughter as possible and teach her warning signs to look out for. Not sure really what I could do to prevent sexual abuse but I hope knowledge is power. I did find this great article on small children and possible abuse situations. You guys should definitely give it a read- it has great advice! One thing in particular I will be doing is teaching my daughter the proper names for genitalia.

    http://www.checklistmommy.com/2012/02/09/tricky-people-are-the-new-strangers/

    Quote from article: "There isn't a child molester on Earth who's going to talk to your daughter about her vagina. Really. But if she suddenly starts calling it a cupcake, you can ask her who taught her that."
    There isn?t a child molester on earth who?s going to talk to your daughter about her vagina. Really. But if she suddenly starts calling it a cupcake, you can ask her who taught her that. - See more at: http://www.checklistmommy.com/2012/02/09/tricky-people-are-the-new-strangers/#sthash.VEnoLuoq.dpuf
    There isn?t a child molester on earth who?s going to talk to your daughter about her vagina. Really. But if she suddenly starts calling it a cupcake, you can ask her who taught her that. - See more at: http://www.checklistmommy.com/2012/02/09/tricky-people-are-the-new-strangers/#sthash.VEnoLuoq.dpuf
    There isn?t a child molester on earth who?s going to talk to your daughter about her vagina. Really. But if she suddenly starts calling it a cupcake, you can ask her who taught her that. - See more at: http://www.checklistmommy.com/2012/02/09/tricky-people-are-the-new-strangers/#sthash.VEnoLuoq.dpuf
    There isn?t a child molester on earth who?s going to talk to your daughter about her vagina. Really. But if she suddenly starts calling it a cupcake, you can ask her who taught her that. - See more at: http://www.checklistmommy.com/2012/02/09/tricky-people-are-the-new-strangers/#sthash.VEnoLuoq.dpuf
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    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • Having happened to me when I was 3-4, with 2 girls now I am extremely distrustful of any males to be left alone with them. My DD1 is now 12 and very worldly and mature for her age. She talks to me about everything and I don't hide much from her. She is aware of the warning signs that would go off in her head to unwanted behaviors and has actually told me that there are certain peoples whom she doesn't like to be around because of these triggers. I think I am now able to keep my daughters safer for the misfortune that I had gone through and hopefully it makes me a better mom <3
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